haunted selves

Don't date thirty-year-olds until you are at least 25.

Having a glass of water for every glass of alcohol will give you a 50% reduction in hangover viciousness.

Bad people will use your willingness to be quiet as a weapon against you. If someone's being awful to you and trusting you'll be quiet to keep from making waves, surprise them.

There is no physical object in the world that is worth as much as your honor.

Honor is not the same as dignity. Retaining one sometimes means leaving the other aside.

Don't have any sex you don't want to have; have as much as you want of the sex that you do, whether that's a lot, a little, or none at all. Nothing you can do to your own body is immoral, unless you're doing it as an act of self-punishment.

Food is morally neutral. You do not have to earn the right to eat calories. Fat and sugar keep your brain from eating itself.

Learning to sit still and breathe--in, in, in, hold, hold, hold, out, out, out, out, out, out--can give you five feet of clear space around yourself in a maelstrom.

Find out how to make three good meals: A comfort meal you can make for just yourself relatively easily, a fancy meal you can use to wow a date, and a meal you can feed a bunch of people. All the other cooking can come later, but you can build a community on those three meals.

1. What's the worst that can happen? And based on my experience, and not on my emotions, how likely is that to happen?

2. Feelings are sometimes painful, but are time-limited.

3. It will get easier each time I practice.

4. My success is measured by taking skillful action, not whether I was anxious when I did it.

5. I'm not going to let a lapse get in my way. I'm going to continue making progress towards my goal.

6. Feeling I can't do it is not the same as not being able to do it. Stick to the plan.

7. Good job-- I'm staying in the situation, even though it's hard.

8. I'm going to make it.

9. It's a sign of strength to ask for help in an effective way.

10. Knowing when to ask for coaching is a skill in itself.

11. I am a unique person, and I have unique reactions. Only I can determine how I should feel in any given situation.

12. My feelings are not right or wrong, they just simply are.

13. A feeling of uncertainty is not the same as the truth.

14. My painful emotions happen for a reason and are an important source of information and direction for me.

Hello! Yeah, this is a really common problem: a lot of the most popular RAMCOA resources are... Well, made by quacks. Here's some places I use and some places I avoid.

People & places I do not trust:

Svali, because of her insistence of a New World Order, that the "magic" used in SRA is real, and generally promoting antisemitic conspiracies. I can't in good faith say if she did or did not experience RAMCOA, but she is an anti-science religious fanatic who deeply misunderstands what she experienced (if she experienced anything at all).

Fritz Springmeier, for being even more out there and bigoted than Svali, who thinks that asking a survivor their favorite Pokemon can tell you what kind of programming they've endured. (Screenshot.) He's generally just unhinged, dangerous, and any time I stumble across his writing I can feel my braincells exploding.

Unwelcome-Ozian, for also using antisemitic conspiracy theories and memes, being ableist towards pwPD and addicts, and racism. (Post about it.) This includes their book, Chainless Slaves.

Deprogramwiki, because it platforms these three.

Papers by Braun, as he has a history of implanting SRA memories in patients. He has also abused patients.

Generally, sources that speculate on if a popular figure is a RAMCOA survivor or not should be avoided. Most of these are just repackaged misogyny ("x female singer is beta programmed because she is sexually provocative!") and it's deeply unprofessional, invasive, and at its core, useless.

Of course, any source that spouts antisemitic conspiracies and dogwhistles (New World Order/NWO, Illuminati stuff, "the global elites", Qanon, etc.), and any source that does not focus on victim wellbeing or support are not ones to trust. These sorts of groups and sources are more interested in political agendas than the survivors.

People & places I trust:

EndRitualAbuse, as it is run by a professional and is one of the oldest RAMCOA resources on the internet. It's a good "intro to RAMCOA" site as it's not as huge as others and formatted in an accessible way. Here's the full article index. The woman who owns the site, Dr. Lacter, can be contacted for questions about programming, referrals to specialists who deal in RA, and more. (Contact page.)

RA-Info, which is similar to the above, but with more resources. It hosts lots of papers, dissertations, convictions, and more relating to this topic, and is run by a survivor. I like their MC basics page and this page, which when clicking on the drop down menu, gives you a huge list of categories.

Becoming Yourself and Healing the Unimaginable by Alison Miller are classics in survivor spaces. Basically some of the first pieces you'll be suggested when you start digging into RAMCOA. I haven't read them yet.

Safe Passage To Healing by Chrystine Oksana; another classic, another book I haven't read. From 1994 but often referenced by survivors still.

Papers by Ellen Lacter. She's a big name and has worked with a lot of reputable organizations to get where she is. Yes, the same one who runs EndRitualAbuse.

Ritual Abuse and Mind Control: Manipulation of Attachment Needs by Orit Badouk Epstein, Joseph Schwartz, & Rachel Wingfield focuses on how, often parents, use a child's basic instincts against them within the context of RAMCOA. Attachment needs are a huge part of programming as well.

Papers by Michael Salter. He’s part of the “new generation” of RAMCOA researchers, compared to the “old guard” of folk like Lacter. He has a book out, mainly about CSEM & the internet’s role in organized abuse, versus the focus on ritual and religion of the earlier folk. He does have a really good piece out about the role of ritual in RAMCOA though, so he hasn't completely ignored that element. Salter also runs the website organizedabuse.

Both Dialogues with Forgotten Voices and The Alchemy of Wolves and Sheep by Harvey Schwartz. The former is covers DID and organized, ritual, & extreme abuse, and the latter specific to forced perpetration in organized abuse contexts. Both are really helpful but really heavy. Link to the first and link to the second.

Some miscellaneous sources I can't find a place to put, whether because they are one-offs, or I don't have much to say about 'em:

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

Of course, there are some pieces to salvage with bad sources, and things I disagree with in the good sources. Deprogramwiki has a decent list of alter roles that are common in RAMCOA survivors, for example, and there's definitely some hardline Christian resources listed in RA-info that make me uneasy. Being perceptive and cautious are the biggest things you need when researching this.

(written by an early diagnosed nonverbal higher support needs autistic, meaning that I can only write about what I know. This is about a medical perspective because the medical perspective is my everyday life. It can sound pathologizing, but all I want to do is explain terms and some history)

"Ok, I read that, but what should I say for the situation when I suddenly can't speak anymore?"

- Common are "speech loss" or "verbal shutdown", but here is a big list with suggestions:

"Why do people still talk about severity when it comes to autism? Why do NTs always want to categorise us?" - a double link

"Everyone is talking about autism levels. Are support needs the same as autism levels? What are support needs about?"

- there's a TL;DR if you want a quick answer:

And please remember that a lot of different countries, and therefore many different diagnostic manuals, educational systems, and experiences clash on Tumblr.

Elevated energy

Pure hypomania: Motivated, driven, productive.

Mixed hypomania: An uncomfortable, anxious energy that feels "wired, restless, crawling out of my skin".

Elevated mood

Pure hypomania: Euphoric, excited, giddy, good humored, a spiritual sense of connection.

Mixed hypomania: Labile, with rapid swings between irritable, sad, anxious, despairing, and rarely giddy or euphoric.

Irritable

Both: Impatient, quick to anger, starting arguments or isolating to avoid fights. There's often a mild paranoid sense that "people have it out for me", and the patient is quick to cut off relationships or split others into good and bad.

Increased confidence

Pure hypomania: More certain of their ideas or abilities, optimistic, self-important, arrogant, ignoring risks.

Mixed hypomania: When mixed with depression, the heightened confidence doesn't make the patient feel too good about themselves. Instead they come across as demanding, intimidating, or stubborn. Depressive self-doubt is replaced by an undue certainty in their beliefs, leading to frequent arguments.

Decreased need for sleep

Pure hypomania: Sleeping less than 6 hours while still carrying on their usual activities.

Mixed hypomania: Even when decreased in quantity patients still feel they need sleep, either because of depressive fatigue or because they dread consciousness. Sleep is reversed (up all night and asleep during the day) or random.

Rapid or pressured speech

Pure hypomania: Rapid, loud, interrupting and talking over people, difficult to follow.

Mixed hypomania: Speech is often rapid or loud, but what is more apparent is the urgent, emotional tone of desperation.

Racing thoughts

Pure hypomania: Lots of ideas, mental clarity, or multiple trains of thought that are hard to follow.

Mixed hypomania: Their mind is crowded with depressive or anxious thoughts, imagining worse-case scenarios. Patients complain that they "can't shut my mind off", particularly at night.

Distracted

Pure hypomania: Changing tasks frequently, thoughts shift from topic to topic, easily distracted by external stimuli.

Mixed hypomania: Shifting tasks in a directionless manner, disorganised, hard to think, thoughts shuffle from one anxious topic to another.

Hyperactive

Pure hypomania: Exercising or moving more, restless, socialising more, making lots of plans or starting many projects.

Mixed hypomania: Agitated, tense, and "driven to do something but don't know what to do". The patient paces from room to room or goes on random walks or drives.

Impulsive

Pure hypomania: Spending more money, driving faster, sudden travel, starting new relationships or projects, saying things they regret, sex, gambling, drug use, crossing social, moral or legal lines.

Mixed hypomania: Reckless, destructive actions. Suddenly leaving relationships or jobs, breaking things, aggressive driving. When pleasure is pursued patients explain away the impulsivity as an attempt to lift their mood (overspending through "retail therapy", binge eating, pornography). Rates of addition, self-harm, and suicide are elevated.

I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.

All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."

But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.

Please use discretion and don't do something that will trigger you further, including triggering trauma or sensory issues!

Aggressive activities (Adrenaline-focused): Do not use sharp objects if you can't trust yourself around them in that moment.

Tear apart paper or napkins

Cut up boxes, plastic, or paper

Stab boxes or foam

Angrily scribble

Throw rocks at the ground

Scream into a pillow, or punch it

Passive activities (Adrenaline-focused):

Watch something scary (scary game, thriller movie)

Watch someone get angry (Youtube react videos, gamer rage)

Watch an action movie

Watch a fails video compilation

Sensory grounding

Hold an ice cube or splash cold water on your face - take a cold shower if you're really feeling it

Smell a strong scent, even an unpleasant one

Have a nice warm or cool drink

Any kind of strong pressure that won't injure you (weighted blanket, cuddle with your dog)

Listen to music or white noise

Use a heating pad or take a warm shower/bath

Creative outlets: (if you need the similarity, use red ink)

Draw on yourself or body paint

Do SFX makeup

Finger paint

Journal about your feelings honestly, even if they're negative

Make a moodboard

To check what types of amnesia are there, click on this post prior reading! This is a compact, straightforward post to keep amnesia at bay.

Diagram created by me

General criteria for amnesia:

Memory loss

Confusion

Inability to recognize familiar figures/places

Difficulty recalling names or places

Not remembering where you went

Worser ability to remember things that had happened Post on how to handle these kinds of amnesia: click here!

Generalized Amnesia Where a person completely forgets everything about themself and have no recollection of what, where, and who they spoke to. This can describe a blackout switch and may still recognize who they are.

Localized Amnesia Where a person is unable to recall a specific/series of event from the whole, which creates an incomplete picture of the situation. For example, remembering childhood but not the abuse.

Selective Amnesia Where a person only lost some and retain the rest, forgetting parts yet not all of them. This can describe greyouts as it grasps some information/sensory yet not enough to tell what exactly happened. One example is playing the phone and unable to recall what occured, only to jump its memory right to being at bed.

Emotional Amnesia Where a person has an intact memory and it's details on what had happened, but do not remember what the event feels like (e.g. was scared, happy, etc.). One description is that you're watching something that didn't happen to you, because you don't feel like being in the scene itself.

Continuous Amnesia Where a person fails to retain full parts of the event/day, for a set period of time (can vary from minutes to days) and create an accumulative, small bits of selective amnesias, continuously, leaving many gaps in a chronological timeline. This usually happens in times or stress, or abuse.

Fragmented Amnesia Where a person has an unrelated, and/or disjointed memories that does not go with the timeline's order, creating confusion and difficult to grasp the cohesive picture of what truly happened. Emotional amnesia may be present in this type. Bonus for systems:

Amnesia barriers Where a person fronting is not able to recall other alter's memories, which is a form of retrograde amnesia and compartmentalization. Because the fronter will only retain any information before switching out with the next one, the rest experiences anterograde amnesia as it cannot form and remember those memories, unless being coconcious or cofronting (even though, this is not always guaranteed).

Take notes that amnesia can still happen outside system things due to comorbidities like anxiety disorders or depression, this does mean systems are bound to experience more amnesia compared to non-systems folks out there.

Do you have any discussions about this? Or would like to describe your own way of seeing these different types of amnesia? Or have more to add? Feel free to tell them here!

A diagram depicting different types of amnesia.

Generalised amnesia: a box with a dashed border around it, indicating something missing or emptiness. Underneath is a person looking confused and distressed, with a loading symbol at their head.

Localised: a solid box with a corner missing.

Selective: a box with some solid parts, and some missing parts.

Emotional: a box that is solid, but devoid of colour. Underneath is a person with a neutral expression, with a speech bubble that has a crossed out heart.

Continuous: a box that has a solid section, then a gap, then another solid section. Underneath is a clock indicating time passing.

Fragmented: a glitchy, distorted box.

This is not to deny someone’s experience, but more of a gentle reminder that if your experiences with plurality causes genuine distress? You may want to learn more about how dissociative disorders impact functions.

I don’t really understand any labels outside of traumagenic and maybe endogenic. I can’t even begin to really wrap my head around plurality not causing dissociation—it’s just not my experience at all. It’s a big reason why I decline arguing in any debates, but I have a pretty good idea of how my DID has impacted me.

I will feel like shit and not understand why because my emotions are highly fragmented. There could be something wrong, I could feel it occasionally, but I have no clue at all why I am experiencing this level of distress.

I know of a major traumatic experience in my childhood that could have caused my DID, but I genuinely remember little to nothing about my life and the factors are endless. When I do find stuff talking about my experiences, it sets me back and almost “triggers me” back into a state where I was during that time (I have no recollection still even after these triggers happen).

Skills and knowledge are somewhat distinctive between parts. Some parts have had full blown meltdowns because they didn’t understand an assignment, and when someone else switched in, they knew exactly what to do.

“Wishing to be a system” played a huge part in my formation, but it wasn’t wishing to be a system. It was wishing I had someone to talk to/had friends surrounding me because I was emotionally neglected as a child—this was around ages 6-10, so this thought process had a lot of impacts. I verbally talked to these parts and they often knew information I never remembered learning, and they often came around the most when I was lonely.

I don’t have a stable identity, and I haven’t had one for the entirety of my life. If I try to sit and think about it, my head will turn to TV static and shut off any chance of understanding my situation. I spend about 80-90% of my time going through the motions of life without any acknowledgment of my identity, thoughts, feelings, sensations, or perceptions in life.

Trauma doesn’t have to be a serious case of SA or physical abuse, it is possible it could be years of emotional neglect causing you to turn inward. Bullying, oppression, poverty, disability, physical illness, messy divorces/parents NOT divorcing, war, and many other issues are extremely taxing on a child.

This disorder is covert and nearly undetectable in most cases. Sometimes this means that it’s nearly impossible to see in ourselves. The whole point is to hide and make sure we “function” correctly in society, even at the expense of ourselves. It’s a coping mechanism our brain decided was the safest route to survive.

Identity disruptions, memory gaps, and all these things are not stable, concrete experiences. They are fluid. They can be wildly inconsistent, and you don’t have to be on the far end of the spectrum to experience these issues.

I’m not saying this as a genuine diagnosis of “You MUST have DID” because there are many different aspects that could impact this. I know that there are also like- labels that encompass different aspects that include trauma. However, this is just something I have noticed while scrolling through tumblr recently. This also isn’t targeted in any way, but if it resonates with you, I think learning about DID in medical contexts isn’t a bad idea (or at least learning of dissociation).