If you care at all about people who have anxiety, autism, OCD, CPTSD, or any other number of "ruminating," "nervous," and "catastrophizing" conditions or dispositions, you need to abandon this phrase and others like it IMMEDIATELY:
"I need to talk, give me a call."
The PROBLEM isn't the request, it's ambiguity and unnecessary room to worry. Here's a little help, for the confused and ambiguous communicating types:
❌ "We need to talk."
✅ "Can we talk? I've been thinking about what you shared last night and I'd like to tell you more about my perspective."
❌ "Have you looked at your email yet?"
✅ "Did you see the email about the flight change? We'll need to update our plans."
❌ "Please come see me sometime today."
✅ "Do you have time to swing by my office and to go over the report? I have some feedback before it gets sent out."
❌ "Give me a call when you have a sec."
✅ "Can you call me so we can talk about when to meet to plan the presentation?"
❌ "When can we talk?"
✅ "When can we catch up? I miss you!"
GUESS WHAT???? Being kind not cryptic does mean saying/typing/sending MORE words vs. less. And that's fine--just say/type/send them. Your choice to take 2 minutes instead of 15 seconds will be a HUGE weight of mental load off your anxious receiver. You may save them hours or days of ruminating/worrying/obsessing.
This is especially important if you have power over them, aka, you are a boss/teacher/parent. Especially because some of these same folks won't feel comfortable saying back to you, "about what?" they'll just go on worrying until you say more. Even if they know they shouldn't. Even if they try their best to "assume positive intent." Even if they take anti anxiety or other mental health meds to help.
INTERESTINGLY, I have also heard people who say they cannot stand it when someone does this to them DO IT TO OTHERS because they forget that it sounds cryptic as fuck and they only remember their own firsthand experience. You may know that when you texted "When can we talk?" you are happily reaching out to chit chat, but they might hear it as "something's wrong in our relationship and it's so bad I'm not going to say it until we talk" and then they are wracking their brains to figure out "what they did wrong" when the answer is literally fucking nothing.
Clarity is kindness.
Taking 2 minutes and using a few more words can truly make all the difference to someone else.
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Any idea to know what to do and say in terms of conflict?
Depersonalize others' comments & actions
Perceive the person's intentions – are they seeking war or peace?
If their intentions are sound, enter the conversation with the mindset of two individuals vs. a problem – decouple their humanity, emotions, wants, and needs from external factors & situations
Seek to understand, not win through your conversation
Approach the conversation from a solutions-oriented POV
Remember that compromise means both parties walk away happy or at least content with the outcome – self-sacrifice has no place in conflict resolution or negotiation
trying this new thing supposedly called being assertive. it went like "hey mom, just so you know, i want to come out to my aunt by the end of the week. do you want me to include you in the process or do you want me to do it myself?"
and she actually just went "oh, you can do it yourself no problem" instead of starting to meltdown and scream and try everything in her power to stop me.
i have to admit i felt pretty damn powerful lmao + if everything goes well i might be coming out to said aunt tomorrow!
@rosekoite asked me to say more about assertive communication due to this post. This is very simplified but here we go.
⚠️ LONG POST! ⚠️
INTRODUCTION
Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself truthfully and honestly while respecting yourself and others, in a way that's adequate contextually and based on your personal goals. The purpose of assertive communication is to be authentic and honest with ourselves and others. Period. Its point is NOT to obtain things from others and it's NOT a "better" or more efficient way of communicating in that sense.
In fact, very importantly, sometimes assertive communication IS NOT the best choice. For example, there are work situations during which you won't choose to be assertive and honest with your boss if you want to keep your job. There's a time and place for assertive communication and it's a choice you have to make depending on what's important to you at that time (eg keeping your job or being authentic?).
So why choose assertive communication when you can? When used adequately, it helps you clarify your needs, thoughts, and opinions. It makes you feel more in line with yourself. It teaches you to listen to yourself, and to express yourself and your needs. It helps with self confidence, self esteem, and trust in others. It can also help during conflicts. It makes you feel more in control of your life and better overall. I'd say it also helps with mentalizing, which is the ability to understand your and other people's mental states.
TYPES OF COMMUNICATION
Communication between two people works like this :
The responsibility is shared 50/50 between the two people. As the source, you're responsible for expressing all the relevant information clearly, honestly, and in a way that's coherent verbally and non verbally. As the receiver, you're responsible for being available and attentive. However, the message also goes through the context of your relationship, as well as a communication channel (aka it's not the same thing to talk face to face, on the phone, or by text), and this can lead to misunderstandings and distorsions.
According to this model there are different types of communications that we may all use at different times :
Inhibited behavior leads you to not express how you feel or what you think because you feel like you're less entitled to do so than others, you're scared you're going to be judged, or you put others needs and opinions before your own.
Aggressive behavior leads you to force how you feel and think upon others, and not leave any space for them to express themselves. You do not listen to what they have to say, and do not take what they feel and think into account.
Manipulative behavior can be lying, or just not being completely truthful about how you feel or what you think, but also irony, sarcasm, any type of communication that's indirect (making light of things that aren't, making someone else express your opinion for you, exaggerating, etc.)
Now the goal of assertive behavior is to minimize the distorsions and respect the 50/50 division of the responsibility in the communication by expressing truthfully and directly how you feel and what you think, without justifying yourself, in a way that's coherent on the verbal and non verbal level.
Again it doesn't mean it will "work" in the end in the sense of producing your desired outcome. However it will work in 1) respecting yourself by expressing yourself instead of silencing yourself 2) respecting the other party by not overpowering them 3) being honest, truthful, and authentic.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN IN PRACTICE?
Assertiveness requires 3 things :
Attitude : being sincere, honest with yourself and others, but also open to hearing their side of things and accepting that it might be different to yours
Involvement : talking about yourself, your emotions, and your thoughts as long as they're not disrespectful to the other party. Do NOT generalise. This is about YOU.
Precision : stay focused on a specific, clear aspect of things. If you're talking about something else, focus on behaviors and not character. Try to stay on the factual side of things rather than get into opinions.
EXAMPLES :
COMPLIMENT SOMEONE
(eg you like someone's content)
Don't : your blog is cool! (you're not involved, you're not precise!)
Do : I love the edits you post on your blog, I find them really beautiful.
RECEIVE A COMPLIMENT
(eg someone likes your edits)
Don't : aw thanks! or nah it's nothing! (you're maybe not honest, you're not involved, you're not precise!)
Do : I really appreciate your kind words it makes me very happy OR if you honestly disagree with the compliment which is ok as well thank you, I'm not too happy with this edit myself
EXPRESS A NEED, ASK FOR SOMETHING
(eg you're getting disrespectful anons)
Don't : not say anything or answer them kindly anyway or answer them unkindly (it's not precise, it's not honest, it's not involved)
Do : I would like it if you were more polite next time, I don't like being talked to that way
(remember : sometimes being assertive is not the best choice, you don’t need to engage every hateful anon, this is an example)
SAY NO, NEGOTIATE
(eg your anon is demanding you write the next chapter of your fic)
Don't : sorry I will get to it as soon as I can or fuck off anon or the problem is I'm having so much work and I broke my favorite mug and... (you're not honest! you're not precise! you're justifying yourself!)
Do : No. You can elaborate depending on how you feel IF YOU WANT but be careful not to start justifying yourself : I feel pressured when you keep asking or I'm worried you're going to be disappointed with me, but I can't/don't want to right now.
EXPRESS CRITICISM, DISAGREE
(eg anon is hateful again)
Don't : fuck you or you're an idiot (you're getting overwhelmed by your emotions, you're generalizing, you're not precise, you're not involved)
Do : I understand that you are frustrated but it hurts me when you do this / I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking to me (and I will not accept it)
RECEIVE CRITICISM
When receiving criticism, we will initially assume the person is justified and not wishing us harm.
Don't : you're just being a hater fuck you or omg they're right I suck as a person (you're getting overwhelmed by your emotions, you're not precise, you're not listening)
Do : clarify if necessary I don't understand what I did wrong can you explain it to me? then either agree and commit to doing better I admit that I was too aggressive in my answer and I will be more mindful from now or don't agree and ask for clarification I was not aggressive towards you so can you clarify what it is that made you angry?
BUT! Maybe the person is unjustified and does wish us harm! If so, there's several possibilities
You want to keep the relationship : clarify (if necessary or if they’re attacking your character instead of criticizing specific behaviors) + concede more or less vaguely + ask the person to do better in return = I'm sorry I don't understand what I did wrong can you explain it to me? [...] Okay I hear you, there's stuff I'm doing that you don't like. I want to say it's not clear to me what you're unhappy with and it makes me confused, I would like it if you were more precise so I can do better next time.
You want to keep the relationship but the person is taking it too far : refuse the confrontation = I refuse to talk to you when you're talking to me that way / I want to talk this through with you but I'm not feeling heard right now so I'll come back later + physically LEAVE
You don't care about the relationship : stay vague + stop the conversation + leave = It's your opinion, I'm not interested in talking about this further + LEAVE
These are all very simplified examples and it may seem a bit artificial at first but it gets easier with practice. Remember to 1) talk about yourself 2) be honest 3) be precise.
On the other hand, you also need to handle the other 50% of the communication aka receiving. Listen and be attentive. Accept that they might not agree with you, might think differently, might not be able to give you what you want. We're not trying to convince anyone here, we're just trying to be honest with ourselves and others.
Finally I want to remind everyone that as with all psychological tools, it is a TOOL and some people will use it in wrong ways. First of all, using these as a way to obtain things from people is NOT assertive communication, it's manipulation. Second of all, it doesn't mean that this tool is not useful when used properly!
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How to take control of an uncomfortable situation and make someone back the fuck off according to a speech therapist
About a year ago I was out at a bar with a lovely group of friends, most of whom are trans, gender non-conforming, or otherwise queer, when a drunk man walked up, tried to talk to us, and would not leave despite multiple people asking him to.
Nothing worked. He would not leave. Until I made him.
Afterwards, they all turned to me like I had just deployed witchcraft and demanded to know how I did it. I wrote the following post to try to explain, and now I want to share it on tumblr in case anyone else finds it useful.
The whole experience made me realize how much specific knowledge I’ve obtained as someone whose job involves analyzing the minutia of communication but anyone who works in education will recognize many of these. They are all learnable skills but definitely require practice to be able to use in the moment you need them.
Disclaimer: I am a white, cis, straight-passing (I was out with my opposite sex partner, although I’m not straight) woman and definitely was using this privilege to my advantage.
1) Use honorifics (e.g. “Sir”)
This is a technique I picked up from working with dementia patients, but it seemed to work with someone who was drunk also. The idea is that when you use words like this, you sort of prime the person to act like a respectable human being by speaking to them as if they are one. I'm not saying assholes deserve your respect (they don't), but it can sort of shift someone into a different frame of mind. It sends a message of "we are in polite company and you should behave as such." My fiance used to work at an assisted living facility and one of the patients was a former priest; they would always call him “father” when he was getting out of hand and it did the trick. Think of it not as being polite to them but rather using voodoo to get what you want out of the situation.
2) Use nonverbals (gestures, body language, proximity)
I stood up (so he could not literally speak down to me from where he was standing...or not as much, I'm still very short), I walked closer (sending a message that I'm not going to be easily dismissed), and I also gestured that he should leave in addition to saying it out loud (we process gestures and other nonverbal cues in a different way and I think are less likely to question them than people's words). I think the physical proximity helped him see that I was serious and wasn't going to stop until he left. This is something I probably would not do alone, because it could escalate the situation but in this context he was so outnumbered that I felt very safe.
3) Don’t ask, tell
I said "It's time to leave" not "Can you please leave?" It sounds more authoritative so people are more likely to do as you say. Something we always tell teachers is: never phrase a direction as a question.
4) Tell people what you want them *to* do rather than what you don't want them to do
I wanted him to go away so that's what I told him to do. So rather than, "Don't tell us your joke" I said "time to leave." I also stated this as a fact rather than an opinion: "it's time to leave" rather than "we want you to leave." Again, it sounds more authoritative and harder to argue with.
5) Do not engage the premise
He wanted to tell us a joke and wasn't listening when we said we did not want to hear it. He was starting to try to convince us that we really did want to hear his joke and it would be funny once we heard it. Boundary-violaters will try to engage you in negotiation about your boundaries, convince you that no, you really do want to do the thing that you don't want to do. The trick is not to engage in this negotiation. So I didn't even discuss whether or not we wanted to hear his joke, I just told him what to do calmly but firmly with as much authority as I could muster.
Just thought some people might appreciate this convo with @queerenbian about pets and assertive communication. Both because it's funny and also because it contains actually useful info.
(Weirdly cropped convo because we were actually having multiple convos simultaneously)
