#assertiveness

In heteronormative men its expected, ordinary, "default." Many of them stumbled into it blindly without a second thought and without any real challenge from the world, so they either developed a feeling of begrudging performance at best, or being entitled to it at worst. "It doesn't matter how good you are at it," the world says to them, "any wall comes down eventually if you push hard enough, just like on tv." The kind of tact needed to develop a real connection to the other person while simultaneously asserting their own desires is often absent entirely. This isn't universally true of course, but it seems so, so common.

I want you on your hands and knees, down here with me.

I think some folks see “setting boundaries” as a kind of magic talisman to influence other people’s behavior. “I’ll tell you what I need or can’t accept, and you will act accordingly.” And sometimes that’s what happens, and that’s great! But if the other person disregards your stated boundaries, it doesn’t mean setting boundaries didn’t work.

Because boundaries aren’t about others’ behavior, they’re about your own. If the other person’s behavior doesn’t change, then yours has to. “Please don’t discuss [x topic] with me” is a request. “If you continue to talk about [x topic] then I will end this conversation/hang up/leave” is a boundary, which you must then enact. The point is less about stopping the other person (although that’s ideal) and more about protecting yourself. And you have to be committed to protecting yourself, because no one else will be.

You have to be so committed that you’re willing to tolerate other people being hurt or angry or uncomfortable. You have to accept that some relationships might change. You have to hold onto the idea that it’s all right for them to change, because the way they were before was hurting you, and you deserve to not be hurt. You gave them a choice: maintain a relationship or keep doing the thing that hurts you, and they chose to keep hurting you, so if the situation is now awkward or unpleasant that was because of their choice. Enforcing boundaries means deciding that if someone is going to feel bad here, it need not be always and only you.

This interpersonal effectiveness skill helps you assert your boundaries, and get yourself heard and understood.

D: Describe

Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.

Example: “You told me you would be home by dinner but you didn’t get here until 11.”

E: Express

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.

Use phrases such as “I want” instead of “You should,” “I don’t want” instead of “You shouldn’t.”

Example: “When you come home so late, I start worrying about you.”

A: Assert

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.

Example: “I would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”

R: Reinforce

Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. Remember also to reward desired behavior after the fact.

Example: “I would be so relieved, and a lot easier to live with, if you do that.”

M: stay Mindful

Keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic.

“Broken record”: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again.

Ignore attacks: If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.

Example: “I would still like a call.”

A: Appear confident

Appear effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. No saying, “I’m not sure,” etc.

N: Negotiate

Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.

Turn the tables: Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for other solutions.

Example: “How about if you text me when you think you might be late?” “What do you think we should do? . . . I can’t just stop worrying about you [or I’m not willing to].”

More tips

Describe the current interaction.

If the “broken record” and ignoring don’t work, make a statement about what is happening between you and the person now, but without imputing motives.

Example: “You keep asking me over and over, even though I have already said no several times,” or “It is hard to keep asking you to empty the dishwasher when it is your month to do it.”

Not: “You obviously don’t want to hear what I am saying,” “You obviously don’t care about me,” “Well, it’s obvious that what I have to say doesn’t matter to you,” “Obviously you think I’m stupid.”

Express feelings or opinions about the interaction.

For instance, in the middle of an interaction that is not going well, you can express your feelings of discomfort in the situation.

Example: “I am sorry I cannot do what you want, but I’m finding it hard to keep discussing it,” or “It’s becoming very uncomfortable for me to keep talking about this, since I can’t help it. I am starting to feel angry about it,” or “I’m not sure you think this is important for you to do.”

Not: “I hate you!”, “Every time we talk about this, you get defensive,” “Stop patronizing me!”

Assert wishes in the situation.

When another person is pestering you, you can ask them to stop it. When a person is refusing a request, you can suggest that you put the conversation off until another time. Give the other person a chance to think about it.

Example: “Please don’t ask me again. My answer won’t change,” or “OK, let’s stop discussing this now and pick it up again sometime tomorrow,” or “Let’s cool down for a while and then get together to figure out a solution.”

Not: “Would you shut up?” “You should do this!”, “You should really calm down and do what’s right here.”

Reinforce.

When you are saying no to someone who keeps asking, or when someone won’t take your opinion seriously, suggest ending the conversation, since you aren’t going to change your mind anyway. When trying to get someone to do something for you, you can suggest that you will come up with a better offer later.

Example: “Let’s stop talking about this now. I’m not going to change my mind, and I think this is just going to get frustrating for both of us,” or “OK, I can see you don’t want to do this, so let’s see if we can come up with something that will make you more willing to do it.”

Not: “If you don’t do this for me, I’ll never do anything for you ever again,” “If you keep asking me, I’ll get a restraining order against you,” “Gosh, you must be a terrible person for not doing this / for asking me to do this.”