#dear man

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This interpersonal effectiveness skill helps you assert your boundaries, and get yourself heard and understood.

D: Describe

Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.

Example: “You told me you would be home by dinner but you didn’t get here until 11.”

E: Express

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.

Use phrases such as “I want” instead of “You should,” “I don’t want” instead of “You shouldn’t.”

Example: “When you come home so late, I start worrying about you.”

A: Assert

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.

Example: “I would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”

R: Reinforce

Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. Remember also to reward desired behavior after the fact.

Example: “I would be so relieved, and a lot easier to live with, if you do that.”

M: stay Mindful

Keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic.

“Broken record”: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again.

Ignore attacks: If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.

Example: “I would still like a call.”

A: Appear confident

Appear effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. No saying, “I’m not sure,” etc.

N: Negotiate

Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.

Turn the tables: Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for other solutions.

Example: “How about if you text me when you think you might be late?” “What do you think we should do? . . . I can’t just stop worrying about you [or I’m not willing to].”

More tips

Describe the current interaction.

If the “broken record” and ignoring don’t work, make a statement about what is happening between you and the person now, but without imputing motives.

Example: “You keep asking me over and over, even though I have already said no several times,” or “It is hard to keep asking you to empty the dishwasher when it is your month to do it.”

Not: “You obviously don’t want to hear what I am saying,” “You obviously don’t care about me,” “Well, it’s obvious that what I have to say doesn’t matter to you,” “Obviously you think I’m stupid.”

Express feelings or opinions about the interaction.

For instance, in the middle of an interaction that is not going well, you can express your feelings of discomfort in the situation.

Example: “I am sorry I cannot do what you want, but I’m finding it hard to keep discussing it,” or “It’s becoming very uncomfortable for me to keep talking about this, since I can’t help it. I am starting to feel angry about it,” or “I’m not sure you think this is important for you to do.”

Not: “I hate you!”, “Every time we talk about this, you get defensive,” “Stop patronizing me!”

Assert wishes in the situation.

When another person is pestering you, you can ask them to stop it. When a person is refusing a request, you can suggest that you put the conversation off until another time. Give the other person a chance to think about it.

Example: “Please don’t ask me again. My answer won’t change,” or “OK, let’s stop discussing this now and pick it up again sometime tomorrow,” or “Let’s cool down for a while and then get together to figure out a solution.”

Not: “Would you shut up?” “You should do this!”, “You should really calm down and do what’s right here.”

Reinforce.

When you are saying no to someone who keeps asking, or when someone won’t take your opinion seriously, suggest ending the conversation, since you aren’t going to change your mind anyway. When trying to get someone to do something for you, you can suggest that you will come up with a better offer later.

Example: “Let’s stop talking about this now. I’m not going to change my mind, and I think this is just going to get frustrating for both of us,” or “OK, I can see you don’t want to do this, so let’s see if we can come up with something that will make you more willing to do it.”

Not: “If you don’t do this for me, I’ll never do anything for you ever again,” “If you keep asking me, I’ll get a restraining order against you,” “Gosh, you must be a terrible person for not doing this / for asking me to do this.”

Just thought some people might appreciate this convo with @queerenbian about pets and assertive communication. Both because it's funny and also because it contains actually useful info.

He is a scientist - and a good man. He wants nothing but good for his creation. It is only when the Creature has killed three people that Henry decides that it must be destroyed, and even then it is with regret. Perhaps he remembers that Fritz stole the wrong brain and failed to tell him - perhaps he knows that without Fritz's negative influence, the Creature would have been, like any other child, a curious, harmless thing.

D – describe: Most conversations are doomed from the beginning because the first statements sound accusatory. You need to start from a neutral stance. Avoid opinions, “you” statements- otherwise you’re sliding into blame-game territory.

E – express: All you are doing here is showing the other person how the situation affects you. Again, this helps you avoid the blame-game. 

For eg. “You make me worry.”-a “you” statement. Instead a simple “I get frustrated and anxious looking for you” should suffice. 

I know it’s hard, allow yourself to be emotional here, but honestly it opens the opportunity for them to validate you. They can’t be validating if they don’t know how you feel.

A – assert: What do you prefer to see differently?

Examples: “I would like it if you called me before cancelling plans.”  Or “Next time, can you let me know ahead of time you won’t make it?”

As opposed to a soft, passive response: “It’s ok, I forgive you.” when you really don’t.

Or an unwarranted harsh one: “I don’t want to see you again.” when you’re really just hurt.

R – reinforce: Think of this as your “why”. Why do you need this change? Reinforcing drives the point home and will help the other person understand the importance of what you need. “Next time, can you let me know ahead of time you won’t make it? I would worry less and can plan my time ahead.”

M – mindful: If you’re not mindful, you could fall back into the habit of lashing out in anger or passively pretending nothing is wrong. In other words, your nerves will get the best of you and your message might not be as clear.

A – appear confident. You can’t control how you feel, but you can control your central nervous system somewhat by remembering to breathe, to think about what you say, to slow down if you need. It really does make a difference.

N – negotiate: Lastly, be firm, but willing to compromise. It helps to know what you want and what you’re willing to give. Think before speaking-where would you draw the line?

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