#aromantic issues

if you can wrap your head around asexuals who have sex without having sexual attraction, why can't you wrap your head around aromantics who have relationships without romantic attraction? you might say "well there's a microlabel for that! like aroflux or cupioromantic!" which is all well and fine....except those microlabels still fall under the aromantic spectrum. THEY ARE STILL AROMANTIC.

it seems to me that the same reason why people don't seem to view aromanticism as a fluid identity is the reason why people don't view asexuality as anything BUT a fluid identity, never acknowledging the asexuals who are sex-averse or repulsed in favor of always talking about those who DO have or like sex.

Aphobia exists as an insidious but ignored undercurrent. It often takes less visible forms than homo-, bi- and transphobia. Less overt. You seldom hear about people beaten up in the street because they are aro or ace. Instead the violence tends to happen behind locked doors and come from intimate partners.

You don't hear much about aro and ace people at all to be honest. Because of erasure. When someone does open up about being asexual, the reactions are usually full of ridicule and invalidation. But the majority of people don't even know what asexual or aromantic means. Sex ed classes don't mention the possibility of people being ace or aro. Aspec people grow up thinking that something is wrong with them because they have never heard that you can lack attraction.

And if they seek out a professional and ask if something is wrong with them, they are likely to be told that there is. Because even medical professionals don't know what asexuality and aromanticism are about and often see a lack of attraction as a symptom. An aspec person is also more likely than most to fall victim to conversion therapy.

The worst thing isn't pathologization/medicalization though. Not in my opinion at least. I think the worst is when ace and aro people are viewed as less human. Romantic love and sexual attraction are often seen as universal human experiences. Aspec people are compared to robots, aliens, animals... And that's a very slippery slope. That's the sort of thinking that leads people to ascribe less value to an aro or ace person's life. The sort of thinking that might make an aspec person ascribe less value to their own life.

Unattractive or otherwise undesirable for romance or sex in either the eyes of the creators or the audience

Aloof, cold, detached, if not outright villainous in terms of personality

Some form of intellectual who only cares about their work

An asshole to at least some degree beyond most if not all the other characters

Implied if not outright stated to have something wrong with them, such as being traumatized about sex or romance or having some sort of disorder that prevents them from interacting with people in a “normal” way. Asexuality and aromanticism are not symptoms of trauma or having bad mental health any more than any other form of queerness. I am not broken, this is who I am. 

Disabled. I can go on and on about how the sexualities and romantic desires of disabled people are denied and stigmatized, but I’m not going to do that full rant here. Yes disabled asexual and aromantic people exist, but it really feels like a lot of writers (and headcanoning fans) find the thought of disabled people being in love or having sex disgusting, so they just make any disabled characters ace and/or aro so they don’t have to confront that reality.

Literally inhuman. I hate the tropes of using inhuman things to represent minorities, it just makes minorities feel dehumanized and any message you might have about treating minorities with respect will absolutely be ignored by bigots. I’m not an alien, robot, fey or something else. I am human, start treating me like one.

i swear if i see 1 more post by an ace going 'u have to tag all ur smut for sex repulsed folk' (very true. i do 100% agree with this for many reasons just to make that clear) but then proceed to post so many romantic lovey dovey posts and ships with no tagging at all to say that theres romantic content i swear i am going to punch a hole through my thick brick exterior walls. tag ur romance please. and stop acting like thats so shocking or like were evil for wanting u to tag.

also this weird expectation that u have to 'make up for' ur lack of atraction through romance and platonic love and this weird treatment of romance as this amazing thing that has to be experienced and its clear theyre just trying to say fuck you to acephobes but they just end up coming across very aphobic and like they dont veiw aspecs as valid unless theyre alloro and/or allopl

and the fact that i cant bring up being aspec without it being assumed that im either alloace or completely unloving (neither true (also the fact they go to 'unloving' instead of aroace is odd (im not aroace either but still odd)))

and how very 'aspec pride post' i come across consists only of ace demiace maybe aroace if ur lucky but no aromantic or aplatonic or afamilial or anything else

and 'aspec inclusive' places/event never even having the aromantic flag available let alone other aspec flags or alloace and alloaro flags. and their focus on romantic relationships even tho they were never labeled as having any focus on romance

and the focus on needing love in aspec communities. ive seen so many posts go along the lines of 'aspec doesnt mean we cant feel love' which is true but then go on a rant about how evil and 'psychopathic' it is to not feel love and how theyre 'not 1 of them' and trying to separate themselves from loveless and love complicated folk

tldr: i dont feel comfortable in the aspec community due to the heavy focus on lovefull alloaces and how any1 who doesnt feel love or is a non-ace aspec is just left out and how romance repulsed folk r ignored and treated like were some evil anti-love villian for wanting a bit of tagging

Firstly in that amatonormatism is just so wide spread and expected of others. When I assumed I was alloromantic, and saw other alloromantic get into relationships, there was this pressure that you Had to prioritize your romantic relationship over every other relationship in your life EVER. All of your friends, all of your family, your children, co-workers, every single person in your life (oftentimes including yourself) MUST take a back seat to your romantic and sexual partner. And it’s ridiculous because I am also sure that most people don’t actually want that.

When I was in my toxic relationship, I was essentially expected to stop talking to all of my friends. Most of that was just due to the controlling nature of my ex but it was also the expectation from everyone else in my life too. People who weren’t negatively effect by the harmful nature of that relationship distanced, people who didn’t even know what he did to me and didn’t experience my negative outlash from being in that position still left and distanced. Everyone assumes you’re prioritizing them now and they react accordingly. I hated this, and so did many of my friends. But it was just the assumption.

I’m loosing track of my thoughts but my other thought is just that— it’s so expected yet literally no one I know actually wants that. So many people have expressed to me sadness and anger and lonliness when their other important friends got in a relationship and stopped talking to them, I’ve felt and seen other people experience the pain of the pressure to have to stop being as close to their friends as they once were— stop talking, stop engaging, no more touching ever, no more sleeping over, no more intimate private conversations. You seemingly have to forfeit the depth of love for everyone else you have.

I have also had potential partners + people I’ve engaged in more-than-platonic behavior with get visibly weirded out when I prioritize my relationship with my friends. They see it as weird when I tell them there are things I will only tell and do with my friends, that I will never tell them. They get weird when I prioritize my friends over them. They get weird when they see that romance isn’t my priority. This goes even with relationships that it’s been made clear it’s only sexual/platonic but engaging in more actions that are seen as romantic.

This is wrong. It is wrong now, it was wrong then, and it will always b wrong.

Aros are defined as people without any romantic ATTRACTION. They can date, fall in love, or maybe they never will, and they find happiness in that.

Aces are defined as people without any sexual ATTRACTION. They can fuck, fuck around, make dirty jokes, or maybe they never have sex, or are uncomfortable with even the idea being brought up.

Ik this, because I'm aroace, and I'm in a poly relationship. I love my two partners, my boyfriend AND my girlfriend, but you wanna know what? I was never romantically or sexually attracted to them. I, oh so simply, just fell in love with them. I trust them completely, and I love them more than myself.

If I was not in love with them, I would not be in a relationship with them. It's as simple as that. I am not allo, I find no meaning in pretending to be attracted to someone. I've dated before, although it was more from societal pressures than any feelings, and that is why I'm so certain.

I never got a crush phase, never got the butterflies in my stomach or the fantasys about someone I was not close too.

Many aros/aces/aroaces will probably never want or find such relationships with a person. And that's okay, but it does not mean all are like that. People under the A-umbrella are 1000% valid, regardless of their wants/needs to have or not to have a relationship.