#aro issues

Firstly in that amatonormatism is just so wide spread and expected of others. When I assumed I was alloromantic, and saw other alloromantic get into relationships, there was this pressure that you Had to prioritize your romantic relationship over every other relationship in your life EVER. All of your friends, all of your family, your children, co-workers, every single person in your life (oftentimes including yourself) MUST take a back seat to your romantic and sexual partner. And it’s ridiculous because I am also sure that most people don’t actually want that.

When I was in my toxic relationship, I was essentially expected to stop talking to all of my friends. Most of that was just due to the controlling nature of my ex but it was also the expectation from everyone else in my life too. People who weren’t negatively effect by the harmful nature of that relationship distanced, people who didn’t even know what he did to me and didn’t experience my negative outlash from being in that position still left and distanced. Everyone assumes you’re prioritizing them now and they react accordingly. I hated this, and so did many of my friends. But it was just the assumption.

I’m loosing track of my thoughts but my other thought is just that— it’s so expected yet literally no one I know actually wants that. So many people have expressed to me sadness and anger and lonliness when their other important friends got in a relationship and stopped talking to them, I’ve felt and seen other people experience the pain of the pressure to have to stop being as close to their friends as they once were— stop talking, stop engaging, no more touching ever, no more sleeping over, no more intimate private conversations. You seemingly have to forfeit the depth of love for everyone else you have.

I have also had potential partners + people I’ve engaged in more-than-platonic behavior with get visibly weirded out when I prioritize my relationship with my friends. They see it as weird when I tell them there are things I will only tell and do with my friends, that I will never tell them. They get weird when I prioritize my friends over them. They get weird when they see that romance isn’t my priority. This goes even with relationships that it’s been made clear it’s only sexual/platonic but engaging in more actions that are seen as romantic.

sorry to put this in a meme format, it just made more sense that way

Forced kisses - We live in a society where consent is not properly conducted so when someone think their owed a kiss on a date, they would either coerce or physically force it on us because of "body language."

The constant portrayal of single childless women as miserable cat ladies who actually DO desire a husband and kids (despite majority being the opposite in reality) all because they can't imagine a woman living life in her own terms, especially an aromantic woman

Aromantics get accused of being abusive or "leading someone on" for being in romantic relationships as if you need attraction to treat people with care.

Despite this, they still try to force aros to date, to "give it a try" in hopes that they feel romantic attraction so they can conform to amatonormative society.

People acting like aromanticism is due to truama or fear of romantic relationships, can't ever grasp that it is an identity someone is born with and can't ever be "cured."

The stupid relationship heirarchy we have where romance is on top and friendship is on the bottom. You have to be on the side because your friends value romance over your friendship with them, people using 'just friends' or 'more than friends,' you and your friend can't have the same ecnomic rights/benefits unless your married.

Your work will see you as less of a person with a life than your married coworker.

You realise your aromantic but have to hide it from your loved/ones you care for to not lose them or not to face shame.

People ignoring your aromanticism by ONLY referring to your asexuality.

People calling your aromanticism asexuality.

Works that's suppose to be about aromanticism such as researching amatonormativity still focuses on asexuals

Aro men being portrayed as sexist sexual perverts while Aro women get ignored in discussion because of patriarchal beliefs people held while pretending they don't uphold the patriarchy; that men wanting only sex with women is evil because that would mean he views her as an object and it's not them actually calling the women objects for choosing to engage in these sexual relationships. Oh, and women can't ever want only sexual relationships according to these people.

Aro trans women and men dealing with both transphobia AND aphobia at the same time (like last point but reverse, hence the transphobia)

Aro enbies being as ignored in conversation.

Sex work being demonised and sex work women constantly portrayed to not work there by choice as if that job isn't something an aromantic women might pursue because again, women wanting sex without romance is unbelievable to these people.

Portraying hookup culture as bad because society can't imagine consensual adults separating sex from romance. In their amatonormative world, romance and sex has to intermingle with each other. This further excludes aros who hookup culture is geared and supportive to, especially when of course, their entirely ignored in the conversation.

Aromantics constantly getting ignored both outside and inside our own community.

That is why we are queer and we have an awareness week, because so many people lack awareness of our very existence. Despite what we face in this amatonormative world, we should be proud of who we are and continue living in stride.

Help. I'm small. I'm aro. I'm ace.

I need protection from my boss's husband who's hitting on me behind her back...

End my suffering 🫠

All jokes aside, this is disgusting and I don't know how to deal with it, I can't sleep, Im twisting on my bed trying to come up with a solution on how to protect myself in case he doesn't get it that I could never be interested cause...you know:

I really hate that even for a few seconds I have to worry if he's a dangerous individual that will throw something on my food or water so he can have his way with me or make a mental note of where all the knives are located in the business, just in case I need to protect myself... I don't want to be paranoid, this fucking sucks.

Can other aro/ace people share advice or experience?

What should I do if he's a super creepy person?

If only I had an ace friend who could pretend to be my partner just to scare him away 😭

Anyone who wants to help?

I was just checking information for a UK government welfare benefit, regarding housing, and I discovered they have this rule:

[Image ID: screenshot that reads: "If you're under 35 and you live in private housing

If you do not live with a partner, the most you can usually get is the rent for a single room in a shared house in your area, even if you do not live in shared housing. This is called the Local Housing Allowance shared accommodation rate (SAR)."

End ID]

What this means, is that, if you're single and under 35, and you live in a 1 bedroom property, you automatically get less than someone in a couple living in a 1 bedroom property. Which essentially means that if you're single and relying on this benefit that you will struggle more to find accommodation if you want to live on your own than someone in a couple on the same benefits would - or be forced to live in a house share (which really isn't suitable for certain groups - I can tell you that from experience). For literally zero reason other than the fact that you're single.

This, obviously, is extremely arophobic. Aside from that, I'm pretty sure this would also indirectly affect queer folks who haven't been able to date/get in relationships due to queerphobia, and probably the same/similar for other marginalised groups too. Plus, people should just be allowed to live on their own anyway, even if they're on benefits. The fact that single people on benefits will struggle more to find a place to live on their own in comparison to both single working people and couples on benefits, is discriminatory to disabled aros especially.

Just generally, there is absolutely no reason for this to be a rule, and it obviously should be changed somehow.

Personally, I'm not able to do anything about this. My one idea is that there is an official government site where people can host petitions which will get discussed by parliament if they get enough signatures (not linking so this post doesnt get nerfed). But I do not have the spoons or knowhow to make such a petition or to make it successful.

It is completely valid to recognize that you are arospec but still want to end up in a partnership. It doesn't make you less aromantic for wanting a partner as a goal in life.

And it's not really amatanormativity to seek out the relationships in life that make you happy.

Amatanormativity is when someone else assumes that's what you want because you exist as a human being in a culture that puts entirely too much emphasis on the idea of a partnership that lasts forever and procreates.

Amatonormativity is wedding culture and the exorbitant rates couples are charged for throwing a party to celebrate their commitment vows.

Amatanormativity is your relatives asking when you're bringing someone to the family holiday party instead of taking an interest in your career goals.

Amatanormativity is you talking about your same-sex best friend and others giving you a knowing wink when it's not like that at all.

Wanting a life partner is not amatanormative, everyone else wanting a life partner for you is. And its perfectly okay to decide whether or not a life partnership is one of your goals. The aromantic community should not shun you for wanting what makes you happy. Because deciding to have a partner is just as valid as deciding you don't need or want one.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how being single not only makes raising a child alone super difficult but also makes it hard to adopt in the first place. And I know it’s super deeply rooted in family traditions and the economy and everything and adoption agencies just want to make sure you can sustain a child before they give you one, but, idk, it just hits me as wrong and super amatonormative. 

I don’t think there’s any perfect answer to this problem as it’s kind of an unfortunate side effect of capitalism but I do think that we should be talking about it more and trying to come up with some sort of system to make raising a child even somewhat less financially straining, even for couples. I just don’t think it’s fair that people who aren’t in relationships and/ or who don’t want to be in relationships shouldn’t be able to raise a child if they want to. I know I sure want that sort of mother-daughter relationship even though I’m not quite sure if I want a romantic one yet.