smile

Do you ever cycle through the same 4 apps on your phone over and over again and feel like a tiger pacing its cage at the zoo

If you’re doing this, it is because you, like the tiger, need enrichment and variety in your life. May I suggest cramming just a whole bunch of raw hamburger into a pumpkin and rolling it around your enclosure?

The number of times I have been delighted by witty banter only to find out later that I was “Flirting” is both unfortunate and disappointing.

I found out several of my female coworkers were planning on trying to get our male coworker to ask me out because “You guys kept flirting” but I was like “We were literally just goofing around. Like we literally just told jokes to each other. Literally just stuff that friends do, the same stuff you and I do.” I was definitely 100% NOT flirting but everyone thought I was

So he gave millions and you gave $40 and feel like you’re doing more?

Discourse: Willy Wonka is Old Testament God

Explain

Sings “if you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it,” then kicks people out for eating stuff he told them not to eat

Omfg, THIS is why I love the internet.

And they say the internet causes isolation and loneliness 🤩

<3

​I love Miriam

Performance of that era

Harold Perrinneau is the only person to ever play Mercutio like, truly, its amazing

Look at Harold perrineau, inventing Shakespearean acting. Amazing.

Goddamn, Harold Perrineau snapped. After Mercutio died I lost interest in the movie.

I KEEP FORGETTING THEY’RE BIPEDAL 

THEY ARE WHAT???

True: Pangolins are mammals who walk on two legs

This is great thank you

so this kid he used to bully me in middle school before i got tough, well this is kind of a funny story. so i sugar from time to time but my latest sugar mommys house is so extra and i didnt bring my glasses but im going through the house because she told me to make myself at home and i see a family photo and im just like he looks really familiar but i cant make out shit. and so she and i start talking and shes like yeah i have a son your age actually and im just like wait… and she was like you’ll meet him later when we go to the car show, and im just like fuckin wait.. and we get to the car show and its me and her we’re holding hands being friendly and shes like and heres my son. and i shit u not this is the same dude who used to fucking bully me in middle school and he starts fucking crying because he didnt know his mom was lesbian and i was just like hey its been a while, but im getting fucked by your mom.

i had a thought today like man, my ancestors would probably not approve very much of me being such an extravagant glutton, but then i was like wtf are u kidding. those dumbasses didn’t live on a fuckin potato ass diet for no minimalism. they didn’t do what they did, whatever the fuck it was, for me NOT to fucking eat my bodyweight in sashimi!!! they would be fucking ecstatic to see me making the most of my opportunities for plenty. they would be fucking cheering me on. every lice-covered cossack and illiterate serf and three-toothed yak herder in my lineage is with me in this restaurant, and they are going absolutely apeshit watching me try to fit an entire samosa in my mouth

I’m of the opinion they’d actually be really disgusted with us and they they’d see us as lazy, pathetic, and worthless.

That was like, 1000% obvious at “their blood tied to the soil” and I stopped reading

Yeah, that’s the line that made me go ‘waitaminute’ too. 

Like you can just TELL when someone has never had to dig rocks out of a vegetable patch and has never seen a cow IRL. 

good thing i listen to exactly one song with explicit lyrics every day

I’ve been saying this for a while but Startup Bro is the new and terrifying lovechild of the brogrammer and the business major and he is somehow even more self-centered and bigoted than either of them

“It would have been better to have found out this was an organ harvesting scheme” is not a sentiment I expected to see today, and yet.