Books, Christianity, And Hobbies

I have a LOT of feelings about how Gus has so many of the autistic (and some ADHD) traits that people find annoying and grating and get pissed off about (correcting people, infodumping, dropping special interests into unrelated conversations, rigidity in folllowing rules, etc) and Shawn has so many of the ADHD (and some autistic) traits that people find annoying etc (physical and verbal hyperactivity, jumping between tasks and jobs and so forth, habitual lying, interrupting in conversation, etc), BUT

With each other they sort of… build their relationship around those things, instead of treating them as Problems. Gus corrects incorrect things and Shawn forgets correct things (or habitually lies or etc) so they build an entire recurring bit around the situation where those traits intersect (“I’ve heard it both ways”) that turns it from a source of conflict into a shared in-joke ritual. When Shawn starts up one of his elaborate lies Gus immediately swings into commit to the bit back-up mode. Shawn treats Gus’s infodumping as a social strategy.

They balance each others’ extremes without genuinely resenting each other for needing that. Gus is overly rigid about rule-following, Shawn is overly impulsive about rule-breaking, and they pull each other towards a more sustainable middle ground. Gus is overly fond of routine and risks stagnation, Shawn is overly prone to starting and then abandoning things, between them they’re able to form a life that’s interesting and includes novelty but isn’t unlivably chaotic. (We see what happens with that one when they’re not together to balance each other out! During the time they were apart, Shawn had a jillion jobs and quit all of them, while Gus became a dead-eyed pharmaceutical salesman with zero, like, Upward Mobility.)

And then of course there are the traits they share! They both clearly have echolalia and a drive to stim, for instance, and instead of policing each other they just periodically break into random dances and vocal exercises and “singing” and general sensory-seeking nonsense together, matched to each other.

I just??? The fact that they visibly display all those autistic and ADHD traits that drive other people crazy but instead of being a wedge between them that’s exactly why they’re perfect for each other… and how it’s not that it doesn’t ever cause them annoyance because they’re just like naturally soulmates who never get annoyed by anything about each other, but that they’ve worked out rituals and strategies so that what maybe bothered them in the past now instead is a shared bonding activity, or acts to balance their weaknesses against each other…

I’m not sure what the right word is. He does have confidence in his skills, the moment he gets into the zone with his work of any kind (teaching, sciencing), once he gets out of his own way he has no hesitation. But away from that, he does seem to think very little of himself, or rather, doesn’t see that he could have genuine worth to others. He is out of sync with humanity in general, even though he does have the tools to connect with people fairly easily, mostly with humor/teaching. When they tell him he’s the new science officer for the Hail Mary, he calls himself a failure, simply the type of person who is unable to succeed despite his obvious and huge achievements.

I don’t think he’s a coward at all. I think he feels alone and afraid most of the time, for whatever reasons (the book/movie do not tell us — past tragedy? Traumatic experiences? Autism? Simply his temperament? His career flameout is most likely a symptom of this, not the cause) and he is constantly doing it afraid, constantly having to be brave every single day. He has his comfort zones (teaching, sciencing) and his coping mechanisms (humor, burying himself in work) but he’s always afraid. That’s why when he fails (career flameout, astrophage are made of water, etc) he breaks and lashes out in frustration, releasing all that tension in a rush. He pushes himself so hard and he fails anyway and he crashes out/melts down.

And when he has amnesia, he’s still afraid. He isn’t suddenly a fearless person without his memories. He’s terrified, waking up in space alone. But he is also the kind of person who refuses to just give up, especially with something so important, because he cares so much. It’s love of science and people that drives him for everything, even when he feels certain he doesn’t belong with either. It’s love that drives him to save Rocky.

(tags by @mercifulmother)

catharsis

(i had a bad day bc last night my insta and fb accounts were randomly flagged and disabled, and the appeal protocol is literally just me giving them more personal data (phone number, email, and a video selfie) and it felt so violating and stressful, bc if it didn't work, i'd have been permanently locked out. also, i performed in an aerial hammock + silks showcase saturday night that almost went *very* badly for me, and then turned out okay, so trust, I felt the entire emotional spectrum)

these scenes in the PHM movie are heart-wrenching, and rylan gosling did a fantastic job