Aeri

hii🩷

This is a strictly 18+ space, please DNI if you’re a minor.

This is honestly just a vent blog for me.

I project feelings onto fiction, so I do write fanfiction where i’m just projecting onto a victim (usually my favorite character, so sorry). so maybe I’ll post drabbles? Who knows…

Otherwise, this is just a vent blog. For myself, and also you if you happen to come across this blog and find yourself relating to my experiences.

TW: I will be talking about SA, abuse, religious trauma, generally pretty heavy topics so please don’t interact if that makes you uncomfortable. trigger warnings in tags.

This is an open space to share any similar experiences, advice, or literally anything else you’d wanna chat about in my asks.

if you do find this blog, please don’t use the r-word in reference to me. for yourself or others, it’s alright. but just not for me, please. SA, assault, stuff that beats around the bush is okay. Thank you.

Interests: kpop (particularly 2-4 gen groups), books, anime, manhwas, genshin impact, k dramas

i’m going to try and figure out a way to safely remove myself from my friend group because i, like an idiot, told them things about myself that i don’t want them leaking to anyone.

so i have to do it in a way where they won’t hate me and talk shit somehow.

something they definitely do because they’ve lost many friendships in the last two years alone and have been talking shit about them.

i’m really sad. i still love them.

i wonder if this is what it’s like for people with partners when they break up because i’m super upset about ending this. it’s been ten whole years.

anyway thank you everyone so much for telling me it’s not just in my head!!

i kinda don’t trust myself to go full no contact honestly. the last time i tried with a friend, i…am still struggling with not talking to her. it’s really hard to stop loving someone once you start apparently.

i don’t understand why.

they keep calling me muslim and telling others i am.

if i’m eating something they go ooh don’t worry! it’s halal!

i’m really confused because like they know i’m not.

and they also know the reasons i’m not and how much islam has hurt me. and i’ve cried in front of them.

i don’t mind the occasional forgetting about it. but like to go out of your way to associate me with that religion kind of hurts my feelings a bit.

and like yesterday, i was out with my friends, H, D, and N. we were with H’s, boyfriend who i don’t know so well and have only met one other time before. but he was the only one who didn’t do that. and he told me like “oh all they talk about when it comes to you is how muslim you are.”

which is… strange.

my friend D was quiet. she knows i’m not muslim. she is, but she also has been genuinely very kind about my leaving islam.

but N…

she just doesn’t hear me or see me or really know me. and i don’t think she or H want to.

H and N were kinda making fun of how long i take to reply. i don’t usually take a long time. but N and H have a habit of leaving me on read for weeks or months at a time so i started to reciprocate. not for that long, a few days to a week usually. and they don’t respond for like a month.

anyway, they were talking about how fake i am and how much i hate them. because i don’t respond.

so i brought up how they also leave me on delivered for months. N once left me on delivered on every platform for half a year.

H’s boyfriend looked at her n went “why do you leave her on delivered?” and then he told me “N texts me every five minutes. her phone’s always in her hand”

i know..

i’ve known that.

i see the texts she gets when i’m with her and i see her responding to them.

when i saw H just us two alone once earlier this year, he spent the entire time texting his boyfriend. like i’d be talking and he’d be texting. so i know they always have their phones on them.

and the way it went yesterday.. i think there’s something up with how they talk about me in front of H’s boyfriend because he was really kinda like gentle (??) and extra kind this time when he wasn’t the first time i met him and kept looking over at me when i’d just be sitting there quietly while everyone kinda formed a group without me.

also, they made the plans for the restaurant we went to yesterday. didn’t tell me where or what it was. didn’t tell me how to dress besides a specific color.

i dont live here for most of the year, so my closet is limited. i pulled out something from high school and wore that because it was the only thing in the color i had.

i find out it’s some upscale place i was supposed to dress nicely for.

i was in jeans.

N looked at me and went “oh… you’re wearing that?”

you didn’t tell me otherwise. you didn’t tell me anything actually.

and when we got there.

the whole menu was seafood.

i’m allergic.

every single option on the menu, i was allergic to.

H and H’s boyfriend looked a little upset about it. H’s boyfriend asked why they’d pick a place i couldn’t even eat at.

they said it was a last minute plan.

so i’m underdressed and i can’t eat anything.

H’s boyfriend didn’t end up eating either and so afterward, H was considering going somewhere else and H’s boyfriend was like “good she needs to finally eat something and so do i.”

but we didn’t end up going anywhere else and i just went home and ate dinner there instead.

i felt so off.

like these are people i know but they still felt so new.

and i felt so awkward and came back feeling pretty upset.

this was our 10 year anniversary of being friends. mine, D, N, and H.

i got N a gift and had asked her before if there’s anything specific she wanted. and she said no and that anything was fine. she liked figurines a lot so i asked if she had any already i should avoid. she said no.

i said okay great. i bought a figurine.

when she opened it, both her and H went “ohhh…” in a condescending voice. she already had that one.

that’s why i asked her.

i felt so dumb.

and this isn’t the first time this has happened either. H likes pokemon cards. i don’t know anything about pokemon cards so i asked N if she could help me with his birthday gift. she said get anything, it’s all good. i said okay.

i got some packs the store employee said to get, but i guess they were the wrong ones?

and i heard the same “ohhh…” again.

and for N’s birthday. she likes BTS a lot (would spam my phone about jin and yoongi and whoever else is in the band and how much she loved them). i got her some merch i knew she didn’t have yet. she went “ohhh… i actually don’t like BTS anymore…”

yes she does. just recently, she went to their concert and was super excited about it. another friend’s gift was some BTS doll and she loved it and said how badly she’d been wanting it.

i’m very confused. did i do something wrong?

for my birthday one year, my friends had thrown me a little get together at the park and i had a great time. but N was on some discord call with her other friends the entire time. like the entire time. on speaker and wasn’t really present. it’s alright, though. i had a really good time with my other high school friends.

for another birthday, H threw a party at his house. he invited all of his friends, people i didn’t really know. and some of my friends were there, too. i had some issues in my home life and told H that i didn’t think my dad would let me go. to my own birthday party. he said “aww no :( it would’ve been better if you were there. i hope you can make it!”

i ended up being able to go, and when they brought the cake out, some of the people went “it’s someone’s birthday?”

. ok

i had enrollment for school yesterday that i missed the first few hours of so i could be present with them at the restaurant. and i wish i hadn’t gone.

a lot of things are piling up and i’m not sure if i’m feeling very overwhelmed because im living in my parents’ house again and i feel suffocated because of that.

like am i projecting onto my childhood friendships or is there genuinely some animosity im missing here?

i don’t think they like me.

this isn’t even all of it. but i’m just really…

if he’s the most perfect man to ever live, his way of life should uphold in every single era. the most perfect man would not own slaves or marry children.

even if it was the norm back then, a man who supposedly exists as a role model for all of humanity should not follow the barbaric society he lived in and should have instead lived a life of higher morality to show everyone how it should be done.

take your own logic into play: a muslim woman in a secular country should still wear the hijab even though the society she lives in doesn’t practice that because you all believe it is mandatory and the right thing for a believing woman to do.

she doesn’t follow the trend of those around her and upholds her values.

as if it’s as important as god.

have to read the quran in arabic (i don’t speak arabic) all day today. colossal waste of time.

actually no.

i don’t follow your book, i don’t sin.

you can’t do it.

if i get a flashback, i don’t feel afraid. i feel embarrassed. i feel so pathetic honestly.

fawn response is so stupid i hate that it’s what i default to.

and all the “well why didn’t you do this or do that” stuff makes me really mad bc you’re right..

why didn’t i do that???

and my mom is making the whole family sit together n read the quran bc she genuinely believes the words will disappear from the pages if we don’t

all these images of jesus existing should be considered blasphemy, but somehow it isn’t?

no one knows what he looked like, so any depiction of him is literally just some random guy. not to mention, they completely change his race most of the time. WHO is that??

and then they say oh it just represents him.

so idol worship?

that photo you got is not the jesus you’re supposed to follow.

that’s a random man.

it’s an image.

to worship that or to keep that in your home or church is equating this photo of a random guy with jesus himself.

aka blasphemy.

but that’s perfectly alright to do? you can’t pick and choose which rules you want to follow.

i grew up both muslim and christian (mostly muslim) and went to catholic school for a little while and the muslim version of sunday school at our mosque.

and what i’ve seen aren’t devout followers of faith. i’ve seen performance.

your rules say you shouldn’t idolize false gods (which your fake image of jesus would be) and yet you do.

why?

so you look good to other christians.

you keep an image of your “lord” in your home to prove yourself.

in islam, they make an effort to pray publicly, wear niqabs, hijabs, fast publicly.

why?

to look good.

it’s all about your presentation.

there’s no faith involved in organized religion.

it’s just “who is better than who?”

who believes better. worships better.

it’s pathetic.

i’m a firm believer that religion was created as a means of control, but if you’re not someone who believes that. if you’re someone who has genuine faith in a god, why would you ascribe to any of these religions?

they’re clearly not in the business of being good people. they’re in the business of looking like they’re good people.

i guess that’s one thing islam got right, banning images of the prophets. in a mountain of every single thing they got wrong.

but how do you ban images of prophets but state that the only way one can be muslim is if they announce their blind faith in god… and the prophet.

god, your supreme ruler, your creator.

and a human being.

you say both god’s name and a man’s name in the same breath. both of them equally important to announce your faith.

not just the cousin marriage stuff bc that’s a whole issue we kinda already know about.

i’m talking about how it encourages emotional incest between immediate family members.

i have a brother and a father. uncles, too, but the main issue are the two men i live with.

when you tell your sons their sisters are their responsibility. their sisters must be managed and controlled. their chastity is theirs to protect.

it creates an extremely unsafe environment.

i mentioned before how i don’t exactly dress super modestly. i wear shorter dresses at my knees.

anyway, this is been a very very large issue in my household.

with my brother, specifically.

because to him, if he doesn’t control me, he is a dayouth.

dayouth: Arabic term used in Islamic theology to describe a man who is permissive, apathetic, or lacks protective jealousy (ghayrah) regarding the unchaste behavior of his wife or female relatives.

aka men who allow their female family members to interact freely with men or post themselves online.

this is bad because “We were made and placed on earth in pairs of male and female, and the trust and success of every pious community is the conservative preservation of this union and keeping away from anything that will break it down. One of the key attributes in preserving the marital bond of men and women is the presence of ghayra [jealousy].”

not to mention Quran 4:34 where it states men are the maintainers of women.

this concept is taught to male children beginning at birth and it follows them throughout their lives.

because of this, every interaction female and male siblings have with one another is sexualized. he’s constantly watching her in the manner other men would to ensure he is not a dayouth.

it creates incredibly harmful situations.

i remember when i was 14 and i was wearing a dress. it wasn’t very short by any means. came just below my knees. i was going out to see my female friends. my brother tried to force me to change.

when i refused he got angry.

a type of anger that was frightening.

my own father hadn’t reacted that way, but he had.

before i left, he called me rapebait.

i was 14.

he, to this day, says that what you wear is essentially asking for it. that he has no sympathy for women who get raped who aren’t modest.

i don’t hug him or go to his room. we don’t sit near each other. i don’t talk to him unless i have to. we have no relationship.

my one and only brother is a stranger.

he brings up constantly how my sins (and my other sister’s) are a burden on his shoulder and it’s his job to keep me in check.

how cruel is it to raise our boys in such a manner?

brainwash them into becoming dictators over their sisters’ lives.

destroying the one relationship we are guaranteed in this live: sibling-hood.

my mother says i have to wear a bra in my house because my brother and dad live there.

she says i can’t wear tank tops or shorts even in the blistering heat because i live amongst men.

these men are my family.

but this religion created an immense divide between us all.

my father makes strange comments about my body. how my figure is nice and i have pretty legs and how men really like that.

my uncles say those things as well.

it makes me wildly uncomfortable, but i can’t say anything.

my uncles (and aunts) create their own fantasies of me getting with multiple men at once without any proof that i do that (im literally aroace like what). they look at young girls and picture them in wildly sexual situations and believe this type of thought is normal.

i look at other families and feel so much jealousy. sisters with their brothers. being able to share secrets. being friends. even fighting with each other.

i have a prison guard for a brother.

the prophet said, “Three types of people will never enter Paradise; the dayyuth, the woman who resembles a man [in dress], and the one addicted to alcohol.” [Nasai, Ahmad].

i’m angry but i can’t be too upset because i understand, in a weird way, why he is like this. why all the men around me are so horrible and disgusting around women.

because it’s being shoved down their throats.

the religion basically demands men to sexualize women. their mothers, sisters, daughters.

if they don’t, they’ll burn in hell.

and look. the woman who resembles a man in dress will also never enter paradise.

how convenient.

if you don’t make yourself attractive to straight men, you’ll burn in hell.

or

if you dress freely, you’ll burn in hell.

because one interpretation is that you’re being commanded to dress in a feminine way attractive to most men.

but another is that you mustn’t strip yourself of the female modesty standards. you must keep the hijab on. to not wear it is to mimic men and that will send you to hell.

and the concept of a dayouth is so victim blamey.

you have controlling male relatives? well you better do what they say. you don’t want them to suffer for your sins, do you?

the quran has done nothing for me.

that they make it up to ruin a man’s life. men are innocent and women corrupt them.

there was a man we knew. a family friend’s son who was in his late twenties. he was caught grooming minors and had raped a 16 year old girl he was related to.

she went to the police.

both her and my dad think she was wrong for that and it should’ve remained a family matter.

they say he was set up and now the “poor guy” will suffer for the rest of his life. his whole future gone. because of the girl.

oh.

okay.

i want my mommy but not the one i actually have. i have a family but not the type i yearn for. i grieve what could’ve been.

and they use islam to justify it. women are corruptors that’s why they must cover themselves and be submissive and obedient to men. men are always innocent, they’re led to sin by women.

when it happened by a stranger as an adult, i told him no. i never led him there.

when it happened as a child by someone i knew, i don’t remember if i ever said anything. but it doesn’t matter. how can a child be at fault for the actions of an adult?

i don’t know how much of my burning hatred of islam is due to my individual experiences and i don’t know how much of what my family and culture are like is due to islam.

but i can’t see a single scenario where being muslim is good.

a religion of peace but name one peaceful culture that practices it entirely with sharia as the governing law.

the only places i see muslims defending islam are secular states.