#split-attraction model

A few years ago now I made a post about how asexuality is not pedophilic, in direct response to seeing what I thought was a trusted mutual reblog a post saying, "It's important to teach kids it's okay to be gay, but it's pedophilic to teach them about asexuals" and teaching kids about it can only help them, so they know it's okay not to want to date or kiss other people.

And ever since I made that post people have been fucking getting pissy about me using "ace" and also talking about not feeling romantic attraction.

And a few years ago I did make an addition to the post apologizing.

But you fucking know what? No, I've changed my fucking mind. I'm not going to apologize for saying ace and also meaning aro.

Literally no other fucking orientation forces people to use the split attraction model, and I'm fucking tired of people acting like being ace and aro are completely disparate things that never have anything to do with the other -.-

You use the split attraction model? Cool.

Now, honestly, shut the fuck up and stop policing how other people are allowed to talk about their experiences.

People are allowed to just say "ace" and mean someone who does not want to have sex or date, or kiss, or do anything romantic either.

No, it is not fucking aromisic or acemisic for people who are both to talk about their experiences without always using the fucking split attraction model.

I usually refer to myself as aroace - but I shouldn't fucking have to. You know why I do? Because otherwise if I just call myself ace, people will ignore my aromantcism. If I just call myself aro, they ignore my asexuality.

And that is fucking unacceptable.

I am sick and fucking tired of the aspec community acting like the split attraction model is mandatory and applies to everyone, when it's fucking optional.

Fucking shit like assuming someone who says they're ace still experiences romantic attraction unless they state otherwise is literally fucking amatanormative. Someone saying they're aro and people assuming they still experience sexual attraction unless they state otherwise is literally fucking amatantormative!

Assuming that someone who says they're "ace" or "aro" still experiences the "other" form of attraction unless they state otherwise is literally amisia, by acting like people who are ace or aro need to be fucking redeemed by experiencing other forms of attraction, and they can still be fucking "shippable" and "normal".

I'm fucking tired of it.

I'm aromantic and asexual.

I should be allowed to make a post about being ace or aro without people fucking jumping down my throat about how I'm erasing people who use the split attraction model.

No other fucking sexuality or orientation treats the split attraction model as mandatory, and it's fucking amisic as shit that people in the aspec community think it's okay to do so.

Assuming I'm still redeemable or normal and am willing to date people if I say I'm ace is amisic as fucking shit.

Assuming I'm still redeemable and normal and willing to fuck people if I say I'm aro is amisic as fucking shit.

Leave aroace people alone, and stop fucking demanding people use the split attraction model.

Shit like this is why the first question out of amisics mouths when I tell them I'm ace is "okay, but who do you date?" and why they think it's okay to erase a character's orientation so they can still ship them, because "oh it's definitely ace, but romance was never mentioned!" even when the character is explicitly just as repulsed by romance as sex.

Stop fucking forcing people to use the split attraction model. Stop fucking acting like it's okay to assume someone can still be fucking redeemed by being "normal" in other ways. I'm going to rip the next amisic I see to fucking shreds, and no, fucking ace and aro people who use the split attraction model, you are not fucking exempt!

Especially because it seems like every few years there's yet another fucking form of attraction that you're assumed to experiences unless you state otherwise. "Oh you might be aroace, but you still want a QPR, right? Oh you still experience platonic attraction, right? You still want to get platonically married, right???"

that's more than okay! the split-attraction model isn't restricted to aro or ace people; that's just the most well-known use. if you want to use it, use it ^^

I should also note -- many people consider demiromanticism to be a subset of the aro spectrum, so you are more than welcome to use the split-attraction model either way

Being gay and aromantic iz epic actually.

Haven’t seen any of these bad boys float around, but! Here are some terms that may be helpful to folks who are like “what is an aro”? This is definitely not a complete list of terms, and I don’t remember where all the terms came from, but here we goooooo!

Important note: not all of these terms are used by the entire community, and there is discourse within the arospec community about terminology and the politics surrounding them, particularly in the identities section. The OP does not intend to make any statements on specific terms intentionally, and corrections from other arospecs (unless starred) are appreciated. Discourse from exclusionists is not, however, and romantic folks are NOT to speak over arospec folks discussing in this post. All terms defined will be tagged in the OP as to make sure that those avoiding specific terms can avoid them.

ETA: Removed the ‘read more’ and is now tagged as #long post for those who want to save their dashboards.

Important Concepts

Arospec: The umbrella term for the aromantic and aro-aligned identities within the wider aspec, which is the aromantic and asexual communities. The arospec has different needs and wants than the acespec community, and both are worth distinguishing from each other.

Split-attraction model: also known as SAM, the split-attraction model holds that attraction to people can be distinctly split up into categories, such as romantic, platonic, sexual, etc. Using the SAM is not mandatory to identifying as aromantic or arospec, and many people just use “aro” to describe themselves for many reasons.

Alterous attraction: an attraction term to describe attraction that is not entirely romantic or platonic, the “crush” equivalent is mesh

Queerplatonic relationship: a self-defined relationship by those within it that does not fit within the stereotypical definitions of a platonic or romantic relationship. You do not have to be aromantic in order to want or be in a QPR, a partner is called a QPP, zucchini, or a plush

Amatonormativity: the sociocultural idea that every single person is the most happy within a heteroromantic, heterosexual, monogamous relationship. Term coined by feminist Elizabeth Brake to describe the systemic ways that this ideology is upheld, and used within the arospec community as well as within the polyamorous community to discuss…

*Relationship anarchy: the ideology and practice of never assuming any kind of interpersonal dynamic is “one way” or “another” based purely on action. Every interpersonal dynamic, be it platonic, sexual, romantic, or otherwise, is discussed between all parties involved in it

Squish: the “crush” equivalent of platonic attraction, usually used to define friendships or a desire to become friends with someone

Arophobia: a specific prejudice against arospec people. Arophobia can be both intentional and unintentional, being called arophobic is not being called a slur, nor is it a dogwhistle for bullying.

Aromantic Identities:

Aromantic: experiencing no romantic attraction, often shortened to aro.

Demiromantic: only experiencing romantic attraction when a strong emotional bond is present.

Greyromantic: experiencing romantic attraction very infrequently. This is different from…

Aroflux: romantic orientation fluctuates but is always aligned with the aromantic spectrum

Lithromantic: experiences romantic attraction but does not want it reciprocated, also called akioromantic

Quoiromantic: cannot tell the difference between romantic attraction and other forms of attraction, platonic attraction is usually the comparison attraction

Reciproromantic: does not experience romantic attraction unless they know the feelings will be returned

Cupioromantic: does not experience romantic attraction but still desires a romantic relationship, this person can also be called romance-favorable or romo-positive (discussed in the next section)

Aroace: an aromantic asexual, meaning they experience no romantic or sexual attraction

Aroallo: an aromantic allosexual, meaning they experience no romantic attraction but experience sexual attraction

Neuaro/neu aro/neu-aro: a term that fits inbetween aroace and aroallo, for aromantics who are neutral about identifying as either asexual or allosexual

Non-SAM aro: an aromantic who doesn’t use the SAM to define their attractions

Unit aro: an aromantic who solely identifies as aro because their aromanticism is the most important part of their identity.

Nonamorous: the most commonly used term for aromantics who do not wish to enter any kind of relationship or dynamic that isn’t platonic. Other terms exist for this, like callistic, but they are not as well known or used within the arospec community.

Aplatonic: an aromantic that does not experience platonic attraction, and.or does not seek out interpersonal dynamics defined by platonic attraction

The Romance Feelings Spectrum

There are many terms used to describe how an arospec person views romance in society and in their life, many of which are debated within the community. The following list are terms that the OP has personally seen used and discussed (and one is a term that the OP uses personally for themselves), some of them are analogues with the acespec sexual favorability terms.

Romo-positive or Romo-favorable: an arospec who feels positively about romance portrayed in society and media. They may seek out romantic relationships of their own.

Romo-neutral: an arospec whose opinion on romantic portrayal in society and media is neutral. They may seek out romantic relationships of their own.

Romo-repulsed: an arospec whose opinion on romantic portrayal in society and media is negative, and often experiences distress and emotional exhaustion when interacting with media that contains romantic aspects or when discussing romance with people in their daily lives. They usually do not tend to seek out romantic relationships on their own.

Romo-antagonistic: term used by the OP to describe their own very intense disdain for romantic media and social norms, it is often also paired with an intense hatred for amatonormativity that prevents people from forming legally-recognized dynamics that exist outside of its “bounds” of acceptability.

Final Note

These terms are not all the terms used within the arospec community, nor should this post be seen as the sole dictionary of terminology. The LGBTA Wiki through FANDOM is a very good resource for finding terms and their origins. Do not apply terms to people without their consent, and this post does not give any readers permission to correct people on their own terminology. Arospec people are the authorities on the arospec community, and anyone else claiming otherwise is being arophobic.

I get that a harsh separation of ace and aro as sexual/romantic identities makes it easier for the two communities to grow (specially the aro community) and is more inclusive of alloromantic aces and allosexual aros. But there’s a few things that worry me about it:

1. Reinforcing the binary of aro/alloro and ace/allo. People that are aro/ace as well as grey/demi-aro/ace could be seen as not being a part of one community as much as the other and become targeted by gatekeepers.

2. Making it difficult for aroaces to talk about their identity. They would have to speak only as aros in one community and only as aces in the other. If they can’t separate them clearly both communities could have a problem with them ‘conflating being ace with being aro’ or ‘erasing aces/aros’.

3. Totally separating communites according to the SAM implies asexuality and aromanticism can’t be complete identities and must be attached to something else. We have this used against us in ace discourse all the time with the argument that ace/aro are modifiers.

4. If we’re supposed to assume someone who says they’re aro or ace are only talking about romantic or sexual orientation and are otherwise allo that makes alloromantic aces and aromantic allos the default in both communities. 

Then you throw in issues with arophobia/aphobia of ‘we still have this other (allo) orientation!!!1’ and people outside of the aspec community are like ‘oh it’s okay, they're still straight/gay/bi just like normal people'’. 

Maybe I’m being paranoid but when aspecs want to distance themselves from one side of the community to the point that they get offended by someone assuming they are part of it I get suspicious. 

I get that you don’t want to be assumed aro/ace but what about people who don’t want to be assumed allo? Should that be less of a problem for some reason?

‘B-but aroaces are overrepresented in media’. No. They are not. The popular trope of a person not experiencing any attraction because they are robotic/sociopathic/childlike/disabled is not a representation of ANY aspec orientation. You know what is overrepresented? Alloromanticism and allosexuality. Of course being an allo ace/aro is completely different than just being allo but how can we normalize split-attraction properly if we can’t even normalize the concept of lack of attraction in the first place? 

HOMOROMANTIC

-> Homoromantic refers to individuals who feel romantic attraction to people of the same or similar gender as their own. Within the Split Attraction Model, its sexual equivalent is homosexual.