#amatanormativity

We have so many concepts that the average alloromantic person has never heard of. Concepts that make it so much easier to explain our experiences, desires and struggles to other people. They make it so much easier to exist as an aromantic person in this world. Of course, every aromantic person can decide whether they find these concepts helpful and applicable to their experiences. But I find it amazing how many cool concepts the aromantic community either came up with or took pre-existing concepts and made them our aromantic 101. I don't think the allos really get how being aromantic can fundamentally change your worldview. And to be honest, I think they're missing out because I think everyone would benefit from at least being familiar with those concepts.

Being aromantic is basically like this:

Aromantic shrimp colours are real.

here is the original comic i'm talking about

here is some stuff on relationship anarchy

here is a blog post that helped me (it's about sexual attraction but it resonated with me about romantic attraction too)

I get so used to the nuances of the aspec tumblr community that I forget people like this are the median person outside tumblr

This person says they're also aro/ace btw, and somehow they took me pointing out that "hey, saying platonic relationships can't possibly include sex is allonormative" and turned it into me conflating romance and sex???

I tried to break it down for them as simply as possible that conflating platonic with non sexual is just as allonormative as conflating romantic with sexual, that both are equally not inherently sexual and also capable of including sex, and that the best way to describe a non sexual relationship is to just call it non sexual

I highly doubt they actually want to listen, but jesus christ it legitimately pissed me off that they thought I, the person trying to help them understand that language isn't prescriptive and the people involved in a relationship are the only ones allowed to decide if their actions are platonic romantic or sexual, was the one somehow saying sex and romance are the same thing?

Marriage is official government documentation and public record of a relationship. It would be extremely foolish to document a relationship with a lifelong fugitive who needs to leave no trace of his identity to survive. Like, even if Essek got away, that's painting a huge target on Caleb's back and would very likely tear them apart permanently. And possibly undermine the legal work Caleb has done in the intervening decades if was revealed that he was a long term romantic partner of a traitor to the Dynasty and Empire who was involved in the Cerberus Assembly's crimes. Legal systems do not and cannot have that kind of nuance if they want to even try to be fair.

For what purpose? Uncertified relationships are no less meaningful. "Husband" is no greater an expression of love than "partner" can be. It's a shortcut to a bunch of legal and administrative rights, many of which can be accomplished individually if you're persistent enough, but none of which Caleb and Essek need because the risk of documentation is higher than the benefits. Is Caleb gonna try to put Essek on his health insurance plan at the Academy? Are they worried about not being able to visit in the hospital when they can just break in (or likely only use under the table doctors)? Is Caleb worried that no one will know what to do with his cool illicit wizard stuff when he dies when his friends can just smuggle out anything important? Does he need to leave property to someone who can't stay in one place?

There are so, so many reasons that marriage rights are important, and even a society that ended marriage as an institution would have to develop an easy set of forms to grant all those rights piecemeal. Disabled people not being able to marry without giving up what little stability they have is structural violence and discrimination. But I also think the old anti-marriage queers are right that people put way, way too much value in the idea of marriage and it's very amatanormative and heteronormative. Marriage started as a way to determine legitimate heirs for pregnancies that could only occur between people viewed as men and women.

There is not a linear progression of the legitimacy of love that's like friends → lovers → declared partners → spouses. All of it matters equally and people may be in one phase and find a lot of personal value in it, but it's not more important generally, and no one has to "progress" to some perceived "higher state." This not The Sims. A couple who's been together for 40 years but never married is no less committed as uncertified partners than married ones. It's an incredibly insidious bit of structural amatanormativity that people often do not realize they've been primed to assume is The Way Things Are instead of a cultural construct to be let go of if we're ever going to achieve true relationship equality.

I know romantic love isn’t the “highest level” of love, but I crave it, I think because I crave the idea that someone would love me and be so openly affectionate.

But I know I can’t fall in love and a romantic relationship in practice cannot happen and would not be truly desirable. I’m merely creating an unrealistic ideal of a romantic relationship.

like genuinely I don’t understand the text book difference between platonicy and romance. I’m starting to think everybody is just making it up as they go along. no wonder I thought I had crushes on all my friends growing up, because the only definition for it that anyone could give me was that you enjoy their presence apparently.

‘it feels different than everyone else!’ my feelings towards each person that I know are different from each other.

‘but with romance you want to kiss and cuddle and have sex’ not only do asexual alloromantic people exist but so do friends with benefits.

like it’s probably a mix of my autism and aromanticism that’s causing this but genuinely how the fuck am I meant to know whether my feelings are romantic or platonic when nobody will tell me why they’re even different from each other. Oh yeah, I’M the weird one because I don’t understand your made up feeling that you can only explain with vibes and hand gestures. yeah I’ll start grasping romance once anyone can tell me what it fucking is.