#cdd vent

i don't get it. nothing is wrong. nothing happened. everything in my life is going well. except whatever the fuck is going on inside of my head.

nothing is making me happy. I'm not sad or angry either. I'm just numb.

none of my likes or interests do anything for me anymore.

I'm having an incredibly difficult time eating anything because it's all just meh.

i don't feel connected or attached to anything. not my body. not my relationships. not my life.

Saying "Non-human alters aren't real" Is baffling. As a child, I ate most of my food out of a bowl on the floor, I acted as animal and everyone around me encouraged that behavior and treated me as such. Dehumanization is one of the most common forms of abuse, so go figure someone with DIDOSDD will form an alter to hold that trauma, and that alter will present as an animal or non-human.

"Having introjects / fictives" I was raised around fictional media as a form of escapism, the first alter we formed was Spencer Reid because our mother watched the show with us around since we were born.

I was making snacks for myself in the kitchen at the age of 4 and experiences hallucinations at the same age. I was raised in houses that weren't mine, a basement, a shitty 1 bedroom apartment with 3 older siblings and a single mom, I was put in a room by myself whenever I cried because my mom didn't want to deal with me. I can barely remember my childhood beyond those aspects, and some things that I cannot share on here.

Do you know why I cannot seek help or therapy despite my mother knowing about my intrusive thoughts of hurting others and myself? Because she doesn't want me to lose job opportunities.

(More under the cut)

Key: [🐈‍⬛] Cat, he/him [💥] Larz, he/it

[🐈‍⬛] I made this cause I was bored and also just pushing the point that disordered community can be ableist as hell.

They make a good point. The last reblog I did about sharing triggers is that in spades. Do not harass this person for being anti-endogenic.

It's a post about being a disordered system and we relate, as we're a polyfragmented system.

We didn't notice. <- How it usually goes lol

Every day I wake up and my own fucking community reminds me I'm fucking Hitler reincarnated because my system operates differently (or certain headmates perceive it differently).

For sure not effecting us on a psychological level, even subconsciously, why would it?

Why would people with my own disorder telling me — not directly but passively through text posts on Tumblr.com — that I'm a LARPER not effect me on a genuine level? Goddamn, I just can't put my finger on it! It's almost like being anti-endo can end up making you be ableist as fuck to those with DID and start fake claiming disordered (and in their eyes "real enough") systems.

[💥] "oh, but just block the tags if it's that big of a deal!" IT'S IN THE FUCKING DISORDERED TAGS. IT'S LACED WITHIN BEING A TRAUMAGENIC SYSTEM. I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO BLOCK ALL THE FUCKING TAGS JUST TO AVOID ASSHOLE NUMBER 5 THAT THINKS WE DON'T EXIST BECAUSE WE PERCIEVE SHIT DIFFERENTLY.

the cdd inclus tag is the only place we allow ourselves to go because anywhere else is like a landmine of us either getting triggered or fucking angry.

i hate that in the disordered tags it feels like the default has to be consistent fucking hatred, misery, and consistent vitriol towards another party that is just minding their own fucking business.

it's either that or we feel alienated because we don't use parts language COLLECTIVELY and we don't consider ourself a broken mirror or whatever the fuck they do. we aren't broken but god do we feel like we have to be to be considered a real system.