Something Is Deeply Wrong

first i find out my sister is pissed at me

now i've sucessfully ruined all my online friendships. it probably would have been fine if i just bothered to stay and explain myself. but no i had to go and leave the server and nuke my accounts. i wish i practiced opposite action but oh well nothing i can do now

and my pharmacy lied to me about them being covered and ready for pickup 🙃

and my prescriber STILL hasn't done the prior authorization for me 🙃

ITS BEEN 8 DAYS WHAT THE FUCK

I have 12 days of my meds left (only because I still have samples left over from a year ago). Im hopeful that this will be sorted out by then. but if not I'll have to drain my savings and ask my family to help me pay for them.

$1500 for 30 days.

FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS

FOR THIRTY FUCKING DAYS

and recently, I've been finding myself wishing for a crisis. hoping I get "worse". praying for that chaos.

i know it's not healthy. but I can't help it.

i don't get it. nothing is wrong. nothing happened. everything in my life is going well. except whatever the fuck is going on inside of my head.

nothing is making me happy. I'm not sad or angry either. I'm just numb.

none of my likes or interests do anything for me anymore.

I'm having an incredibly difficult time eating anything because it's all just meh.

i don't feel connected or attached to anything. not my body. not my relationships. not my life.

not here in my house. not here in my relationship. not here in my head. not here in my life.

everything felt so unfamiliar, so impersonal. like everything around me just wasn't right. like it wasn't mine.

it was very uncomfortable, but at the same time, I took comfort in the fact that I was dissociating. because that feeling of being so disconnected, it was familiar.

That was the first time in months something didn't just feel fake.