#plural vent

My head feels heavy in a way like something is there but if I’m a we, we share all the same memories. If I forget something I’ve done then that’s just. Permanent I guess. I don’t feel driven by someone else and I think it’s because if anyone were to be fronting I would be all the time and it makes it hard to know who else is here if anyone.

My thoughts feel half like me but is it because I hope they do or believe they do?

Maybe I’ve been plural for so long without knowing that it just doesn’t feel real.

But I know I’m exhausted thinking about it but I’d be more exhausted and upset to find I’m wrong about it.

When I think about plurality I feel a weird weight on my chest but when I talk to others about it who I trust and am more open about I feel less weight but more doubt…what a prison!!

I wish I could take it at face value when someone says I’m plural.

I also wish there was something definitive that I had that someone could point to and say “dummy! Look at this! Clearly you’re/you’re not plural!”

I don’t have amnesia just dissociation and depersonalization mostly. I don’t feel different or entirely wrong in my body I just hate it so much sometimes because I don’t want to be human or I don’t feel like I look right or the right gender but that just seems like dysphoria I guess. Of some sort.

I feel all sorts of wrong, like I can’t laugh hard enough or express myself hard enough and I just feel this weird weight and this strange not exactly fuzzy not exactly heavy not exactly explainable feeling.