#depersonalization

The emotional amnesia.

Your entire life feels like something that you watched on TV, rather than something that you actually lived through.

You know that some of the most horrific things imaginable have happened to you, and you feel nothing about it. Sure, the memories disgust you on principle, but you don’t feel anything.

It makes you question if anything that you remember is real. If that actually happened, shouldn’t it feel significant? Shouldn’t you be sad, angry, hurt, something?

Derealization is always something that confused us a lot. We were always seemingly unaware when it happened since we thought it was normal, but mostly because we only say people constantly describing it in the same way: "It's like the world is not real."

But, because we are autistic, this was not the way we needed to hear it, so we brushed it off as something we didn't do.

So, here are some signs that you are derealizing written in ways that would have helped us out better:

You know it's real and you feel connected to your body, but the world looks foggy, like you're looking through glass.

Objects look normal but do not feel "right" in some way.

Colors feel too sharp or dull.

Sounds are different in some way (i.e., too loud, muffled, disorienting, echo, etc).

Touch feels delayed, or like you are feeling things through gloves.

The world feels unfamiliar, like you're in a deja vu state instead of in a place you are in a lot.

Lights feel unfamiliar (I.e., too bright, or dull in some way).

Emotional reactions can be delayed, even when you are happy, but it is as if your reaction arrives late.

Time feels different, like it's too slow or too fast.

Also, keep in mind, some of these could be summed up to sensory problems, but derealization is not a sensory issue. Instead of feeling overwhelmed or underwhelmed by sensory things, you feel disconnected from them.

You should also keep in mind that autistic brains like to try and solve the experiences they are having, but as ironic as it is, checking your symptoms and scanning yourself mentally can keep you in a state of derealization longer, so be careful!

Derealization is a protective response from your nervous system. Going through this is not a bad thing, it does not make you a failure and you are not broken.