Langdon, Mel, & Robby + The Pressure Of The Pedestal & The Mask
The finale has my brain going brrrr. Because something I love/tend to notice more than anything else is a good parallel/a repeated sequence. Those are my favourite narrative chew toys and Ill gnaw on them all day long with GLEE. But something (damaging) that I think both Robby and Mel do to Langdon is: pedestal him/expect too much of him. That final scene with Robby made something snap into place for me with Langdon's previous scenes with Mel/something I noticed a couple of times.
So in 2x02, when they talk about his return/his addiction, Mel says "you never let me down." And Langdon very firmly/definitively corrects her:
Langdon: Yeah, I-I didn't handle things the way I should have. I thought I could treat myself, and I let a lot of people down. I'm sorry, Mel.
Mel: You never let me down.
Langdon: Yeah. Yeah, I did. I should be setting an example, not a cautionary tale.
And we see the same sort of thing in the break room scene (the one of Kelly Clarkson fame) after they were dealing with Grady the asthma kid.
Langdon: Ten months is a long time. I almost killed that kid with an intubation. Didn't even occur to me to check for pneumothorax.
Mel: There wasn't any trauma to indicate--
Langdon: I should have caught it.
Both times, Langdon is being hard on himself/calling himself out for something he feels he did wrong, and both times Mel tries to gentle it/insist that, no, no you didn't do anything wrong. And both times e corrects her, fairly sharply/very firmly/without room for further refusal. Part of that is def him stepping up and taking accountability/responsibility/not wanting to be given any easy-outs (we see this with Louie, too) - but there's more here, which the finale has solidified for me.
He does not want to be idealised. He does not want to be seen as perfect. He does not want to be seen as incapable of making mistakes. He does not want to be seen as better than anyone else/above being wrong or failing to catch things. Because he's NOT. He knows he's not. But he also, at the very least, is at the beginning stages of understanding that, being seen that way, being treated that way? It's not good. It's not healthy. It's not realistic. It's an impossible standard that no-one can live up to.
Langdon: You know who I saw in rehab? I saw a bunch of guys just like you. The only difference is, they've accepted that they need help. I think you're afraid to admit that the mighty Dr. Robinavitch isn't perfect.
Robby: Oh, I never claimed to be perfect.
Langdon: No, but you expect it of yourself, and it's not realistic, man. How can any of us live up to your standards if you can't even do it? You need help, Robby. You need help.
I mean the parallels between these two and their arcs are: fucking blatant, imo. As are the parallels to 1x15. So, essentially, anything Langdon says here about Robby, he can/is saying about himself, too. Because Langdon is HIS, and always has been, and the reflection they share is that: that need to be perfect, that holding of themselves to impossible standards (which leads to OTHERS holding them to impossible standards, too). Robby taught Langdon how to be a doctor - taught him how to keep his composure in traumas, how to deal with pressure, how to keep the 50 plates spinning in the ED at all times. He also taught him to accept the yoke of impossible expectations. To see himself as Sisyphus: tasked with an impossibility, but driven to try and accomplish it every day, and further: to imagine this as happiness.
This is why Langdon is calling Mel out/not allowing her to do that to him anymore. He is NOT perfect. He knows that (oh boy does he know that (and always has - the difference now between s1 and s2 Langdon isn't that Langdon no longer thinks he's perfect, he never has, the difference is that now he knows he cannot keep striving for that perfection, because it isn't realistic, it isn't possible, and it WILL break him).
Langdon knows he isn't, and can't be, perfect. And he wants other people to know it, too. Because the PRESSURE to live up to that 'golden boy' expectation broke him almost as surely as anyone else. He knows that now. He knows he can't let that happen again. "Standing up for yourself: it's a healthy habit." He knows that. And sometimes: standing up for yourself means rejecting seemingly 'positive' things people think about you. That you're the best, that you're Robby's heir apparent, that you could never let people down, that you couldn't be expected to catch EVERYTHING because no. No. You must/will be held to the same standards as everyone else. And that means: you're gonna fuck up sometimes. And it's important to stand up and demand that for yourself sometimes. Demand to be seen like everyone else. Demand not to be seen as 'the golden boy'. Demand to be seen as you are: flawed, and human, and capable of error. Stand up for yourself. For your ACTUAL self. The you that is, the you that exists; not the you that everyone wants you to be/wants to see you as. Not the prodigal son. Not the golden boy. Just Frank.
Because Robby never claimed to be perfect - nor did Langdon - but they didn't correct the people who saw them as such, either. And they pushed themselves to live up to those expectations and to remain worthy of the pedestal they'd been placed on. Robby as Adamson's successor, as the chief of the ED, as the one everyone calls for/sends for when things go to shit. Langdon his heir apparent, his golden boy. Twin Atlases, slowly being crushed beneath the world they've lied to themselves and to everyone around them that they're bearing and holding up just fine. And, as we saw with Roxie; sometimes maintaining that mask, maintaining the illusion of being okay, is a harder burden to bear than the thing that's making you not okay. The cancer, the pain: she can deal with that. Trying to keep up a brave face/hide it from her loved ones? THAT'S what's too much. That's what's breaking her.
That's what broke with Frank last season. The illusion both he and Robby had of him: the idealised golden boy, who manages to juggle his cases and patients, never missing a detail, remembering everyone by name, their interests, managing to be 6 different places at once, managing the residents, being Robby's right-hand, learning new procedures and techniques and making it all look easy! A man who seemed too good to be true. Because he was. Because that wasn't HIM. That was what he let everyone see. That was the mask he wore. That was what was what shattered with the revelation of his addiction and back injury. Because what the addiction and back injury revealed was that: Langdon was not perfect.
'"The mighty Dr. Langdon afraid to admit he isn't perfect." Langdon knows Robby is scared to admit that - because he knows HE was scared to admit it. Indeed, the only time in s1 we saw Langdon really truly shaken/vulnerable, and still likely the most vulnerable/openly emotional we've yet seen him, was in that scene with Dana in the break room where he admitted that he was scared.
"No, what I... what I am is scared, OK? I'm really fucking... fucking scared of what happens next. I fucked up, Dana. I fucked up, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
He's scared. He doesn't know what's going to happen next. He doesn't know what to do. This is it: this is the cracks starting to show, this is the first time he starts coming close to the idea that: he's not perfect. He doesn't know everything. He can't fix everything. He needs help. (He's asking for DANA's help specifically here - to help him hide, to help him keep up the mask, because he hasn't yet learned that THAT is what he needs help with/needs to let go). But it's his first wobble, the first slip of the almost deific composure and control. It's the first glimpse at the human Frank Langdon is, and always has been, and has now accepted: he must be, if he's going to be anything.
In season 2, with the illusions gone, with the mask cracked open the broken, vulnerable man revealed beneath, truly dragged down to rock bottom and then some, coming back hidden beneath a penguins' cap and street clothes, not wanting (and not) seen or recognised until he's in his scrubs again. But now everyone knows. Everyone knows he's not perfect. Everyone knows he fucked up. Everyone knows he's the lowest of them and he's going to have to work for everything and earn everything anew. The bitterness in that. The pain of the fall, the lofty heights he last occupied in that place. But also: a strange new freedom. To not be perfect. To not be everything. To perhaps just be. And he's still struggling with that, still learning how to do it: but that's his goal now. Not perfection. Not Robby (and everyone else's) impossible standards. Just being the best he can be.
Langdon IS still the same skilled doctor, still capable, still gifted and intelligent. What broke in the locker fight sequence with Robby in 1x10 was that: the mask, the illusion that Langdon was doing all of this and it somehow WASN'T breaking him as it was slowly breaking Robby (even then). And this was something both he AND Robby were caught up in.
Robby: I never claimed to be perfect.
Langdon: No, but you expect it of yourself, and it's not realistic, man. How can any of us live up to your standards if you can't even do it?
There's the catch. There's the reality lingering between them. Because in s1 Langdon knew he wasn't perfect; but he thought that Robby could be. Meanwhile: Robby knew he wasn't perfect; but he thought Langdon could be. Or at the very least, if not perfect, then certainly better. Langdon felt he never could or would live up to Robby's legacy/greatness - and he was right, in the sense that: no one could live up to the idealised version of Robby Langdon had in his head. Not even Robby. Similarly - Duke asks him what you do when you can't "dance" (work the ED) anymore, and Robby replies:
Robby: Teach the kids the steps before you do.
Duke: And then what?
Robby: Hope they make it farther than you.
THIS is what broke between Robby and Langdon at the end of s1 - and THIS SPECIFICALLY for Robby. Robby, who feels like he's been trying to walk in shoes that are too big for him since Adamson died and left him his legacy to carry for both of them. Robby who knows he will never be the man or the doctor that Adamson was (Robby not seeing that: Langdon feels EXACTLY the same way about him). But Robby seeing Langdon, this golden boy, this prodigy, who fits in this ED and melds with its chaos like he was made for it. Who has learned so well, and who teaches what he's learned so well - who is managing this job AND has a wife and 2 kids (what Robby hoped to have, but doesn't) and he believes that he's managed that: he's managed to teach Langdon to dance the steps - but he's managed to make him into someone who can go farther than Robby, who can be better than Robby. Robby was never able to make himself into someone worthy of Adamson's legacy; but maybe, with Langdon, he's managed to help make someone else into someone worthy of carrying it.
THAT is what died for Robby with Langdon in s1. Because he realised that Langdon is NOT better than him. Indeed, he realised that Langdon is, in fact: exactly like Robby himself. He's just as afraid he can't live up to the legacy of his idealised mentor. He's just as desperate, struggling just as much, breaking just as much trying to live up to Robby and to be worthy of all he's given (all he feels he doesn't deserve, and will never be able to carry by himself). He's just as broken. Just as flawed. He's let Robby down - he's let Adamson down. He cannot carry their legacy. He is not golden; he is broken. Just like the rest of them.
Where we get evolution now is that: Season 2, however, gives Langdon the chance to see what Robby never did. Adamson died before Robby could realise he was as human and imperfect as Robby and as every other human being who has ever lived. But Langdon knows that now. Langdon knows that Robby is as flawed and as broken as he ever was. That neither of them were ever perfect; but damn did they both get really fucking good at pretending they were.
What Langdon also knows now is: he knows what it's like to get on the motorbike and take that sabbatical ride. He knows what it is to give in to demons and to hurt yourself to try and cope. He's been forced (violently, and against this will) to relinquish the crutches he was using to hold himself up. He knows where the end of that sabbatical ride leads, knows it's either death, or rock bottom, but either way: he knows it involves breaking. Neither of them are pretty ways to get broken. Only one of them has a way back. He knows because he's been down this road. He's faced the choice that's now facing Robby. He knows it WILL break Robby - because it broke him - and after all, they are just two flawed, imperfect human beings. Langdon accepted the help, and that he needed it - and he hopes Robby can do the same. Because you take the motorbike sabbatical alone - but you can't find your way home alone. You need help.
Robby saw him as he was 10 months ago. Saw the flawed, imperfect human - the one person he was MOST afraid of seeing him like that; the one he'd done it all for, who had been his inspiration and hope all this time. Now he's shown Robby the same. He's shown that he, Langdon, the one Robby had (false) hope in to be better than him, to be the one HE has done all of this for - the one who can, and who deserves, to carry the legacy of the man who led him, the one who can keep dancing the steps, and get further than he did - Langdon has shown Robby that he sees, too. He sees that Robby, too, is flawed and imperfect - and, more, he's able to look him in the eye and tell him that.
Because last season, when told HE needed help, Langdon's response was to tell Robby, "What about you, man? What about you? I'm not the only one who's a little fucked up here, Robby! Why don't you look in the mirror?" (also, hey, look at that! Langdon is deflecting/projecting/doing EXACTLY what Robby does when someone tries to confront him with his issues. "You need help." "Yeah, well, what about YOU tho!") But in s1, Langdon acknowledged they were both fucked up, but he didn't/COULDN'T acknowledge that: they both needed help. Because that was not 'we're both fucked up, let's do something about it.' That was: we're both a little fucked up - but we're pretending that we're not! And everyone else is buying it! We can keep on pretending together. We can keep the masks on, we can let everyone keep believing that we're what they think we are. And Robby said: no. But he only said no: to Langdon. He only said: YOU can't keep pretending...But I'm going to.
Now, in season 2: that is what Langdon's able to do that he wasn't before. He's able to stand there and confront Robby with this thing he did not want to be confronted with, this thing he knows Robby doesn't want to be confronted with, either. He's able to say 'you were right about me back then, I DID need help - I got it. Well now, here I am, the mirror I told you to look in 10 months ago, because you know what? I was right about you, too. We're still both fucked up - but only one of us has admitted that and gotten help - and you still need it."
They are still mirrors for each other, and Langdon's mirror this season has been one Robby has been terrified of looking into. Because he knows what he'll see: what he thought Langdon was, what was shattered for him, and all the hope he'd placed upon him: himself, but better. That was what Langdon was meant to be - Robby but better. But that was supposed to be something Robby never saw, because Langdon was meant to carry on after him. But it's also something he never wanted to actually see, because then he might be forced to realise that perhaps he could be better, too. And isn't that just the most terrifying thing? To admit you aren't perfect - you aren't what everyone thinks of you as...because then you have to answer the question: so what the fuck AM I?
This is what Langdon all season has been struggling with. What am I?Have I lost it? Can I be myself, can I be ANYTHING at all, if I'm not who I was? And I can't be who I was again - because that was killing me, but what can I be? Who am I without the golden boy status, without the expectation, without the perfection, without Robby's expectation and standards - without Robby at all? Who am I without the darkness to hide me, laid bare and vulnerable.
Langdon knows the answer to that. Langdon IS Robby's answer to that. But it's terrifying. Because his darkness now feels like a shield. It feels like a swaddling blanket. It feels like the only thing that's keeping him together, the only thing he knows. There's a comfort in darkness - at least, if you're Abbot, according to his therapist, and man has Robby gotten real comfortable in his darkness. Who is he without it? Who could he be without it? That's terrifying - because he doesn't know. Where he is now? It's hard. It's killing him. It's not sustainable at all. He knows this. But he knows it. It's familiar and it feels safe as a result. The alternative? Casting off the darkness and stepping out into the light to see what's left, if anything? That's frightening. It could be better... It could also be worse.
Langdon knows: he's fast running out of time to find out. Because if he keeps going as he is, he isn't going to be anything: he's going to be dead. He needs help. Langdon needs to make him see that - because, unlike Robby last season, Langdon cannot FORCE Robby to do anything. He cannot issue an ultimatum. He cannot tell him 'either you do this or you lose everything'. He doesn't have that power. He only has what he knows: his own experience, and the knowledge that he and Robby are mirrors for each other.
So he uses that for all it's worth and then he hopes. He hopes that, for perhaps the first time (or maybe not, because, in a lovely parallel/echo of the cervical reduction scene - where Langdon asked if Robby wanted to do the procedure, and Robby pointed out that he hadn't seen it done, so Langdon would have to do it. A first-time procedure, and likely for the first time Langdon doing something he's never done before, but this time NOT guided by the hands of someone who has. Not led by Robby, because Robby is following his lead and giving him the assist Langdon has so often given him in that scene. His idea, his leap of faith, one that was risky and frightening - but one Langdon still managed to pull off (with a little encouragement/help from his mentor to push him to try))
So now, as then, Robby must be the one to follow in Langdon's footsteps, and walk the path he has already trodden.
Langdon is at once both of the things he mentioned to Mel back in 2x02 - he became a cautionary tale, but he is also: leading by example. He is leading Robby to follow his example so that he doesn't become the same cautionary tale Langdon did, so he doesn't sink to the depths of self-destruction and using things that kill you so you can burn a little brighter a little longer for everyone around you. That leaves everyone in the dark, ultimately, and you utterly burned out.
We shall see if Robby manages to follow where Langdon is trying to lead him. If Langdon can be what Abbot suggested Robby needs: somebody to help you dance through the darkness. If Robby can LET Langdon be that person, and let him lead this dance.
