Cosmere Lists

When people make incisive or witty or extreme comments, another person will often reply, "Wow. Tumblr's hate mail game is insane!" If Tumblr existed in the Cosmere and had the same sort of culture, here is the "hate mail" that I think anons would be sending.

I've done quite a few of these "Cosmere characters on tumblr posts"...

Cosmere Characters Make Tumblr Polls

Cosmere Validation Posts

Cosmere Characters' gimmick blogs

Cosmere characters' favorite tumblr post

Cosmere characters on tumblr

1.

Anon: I'm surprised you don't have a spren yet. You have such an interesting bouquet of mental illnesses.

HELLO???

2.

Anon: Listen, I'm going to block you after this, but I wanted to just let you know that I am NOT blocking you because of your post about how if the Stormfather had a dick it would be electrified. That electrified dick post was pretty based. No, I'm unfollowing you because of everything else about you.

Anon come back I can change for you

3.

Anon: "I think 80% of the vocally pro-Hemalurgy people are just teens trying to be edgy" ~You, someone with a Survivorist icon

kifeiaopjajkjoifjieoajior

4.

Anon: I can't believe you're from Sel!! I'd been assuming this whole time that you were a Drab from Nalthis, you know, because of your general lackluster taste in art and music.

Help? I'm being skewered?

5.

Anon: I think you'd be a good worldhopper. I think if you were a worldhopper you'd say it was because of the thrill of adventure but it would actually be because you're never satisfied with what you have and are always convinced that the next change will be the one that fixes you forever. IDK. You just have that vibe.

omg you can't just appear and say this to me i'm crying

6.

Anon: I know a guy who makes Soul Stamps. Super reasonable price. Doesn't ask a lot of questions--well, I mean, he DOES ask a lot of questions because you have to in order to make a Soul Stamp but he doesn't ask a lot of questions about why you want it. He just sort of accepts that sometimes a person wants to be a different person. anyway do you want me to dm you their number?

HELP the WINDUP??

7.

Anon: Claims to be second heightening. Favorite artist is Taylor Swift. It's not okay to lie about what heightening you are.

Her music is good?????

8.

Anon: so were you like cursed by cultivation or is this just who you are as a person

anon you can't say that to someone

9.

Anon: I think you'd be a good candidate for the Shard of Whimsy.

ARE YOU CALLING ME A CLOWN

10

Anon: You're like if Elantrian Slime became sentient.

Chat, I won't be recovering from this any time soon.

11.

Anon: "Oh no, it's hipster season." --You, who once used a pumpkin spice latte to swallow your metals.

THAT WAS ONE TIME ANON PLEASE

12.

Anon: I just wanted to say that if you were a stick, I think you'd become fire.

what are the others if you don't mind me asking?

Keeping in mind that my headcanons are fluid, here are some of the runners-up that did not make it onto the “Coming Out” list:

Navani: bisexual (for Raboniel)

Raboniel: lesbian (for Navani)

Leshwi: trans

MeLaan: something gender

Wayne: also pansexual

Cord: lesbian

Rysn: bi

Ranette: like literally a lesbian

Yumi: bi / gender fluid

Lift: trans guy or agender

Ral-Na: literally trans

Rushu: literally non-binary

As requested by @im-bad-at-names-okay :)

Happy Pride Month! If Cosmere characters wanted to "come out," here is how they would do so.

1. Renarin: A series of unsigned letters

Lore drop: I came out via a letter to my parents when I was in high school.

Dalinar: The first note said, "Someone is gay." Dalinar: The second note said, "Someone you know." Dalinar: The third note said, "Someone in your family." Dalinar: The fourth note said, "One of your sons." Dalinar: ... Dalinar: I think I can predict what the fifth note will say.

2. Adolin: Tells people face-to-face

He just figures that telling people in person is the right thing to do.

Adolin: ...So anyway, I like men as well as women. May: Yes. I am aware. Adolin: Y-You are?? Did someone tell you?? May: You stare at a lot of butts. Adolin: ... Adolin: Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

3. Kaladin: The most dramatic moment possible

Think about every time Kaladin let someone know he was Radiant. Now apply that logic to Kaladin coming out.

Kaladin: [Glowing with stormlight, descending slowly from the sky] Kaladin: Romance. Sex. Gender. None of it--none of it--is compulsory, and none of it is for me! Lirin: You literally could have told us this normally at dinner last night. Hesina (elbowing him): Shhhh!

4. Wayne: Casually, conversationally

Wayne drops the lore as if it's no big deal, although he is admittedly a bit anxious the first time (when he tells Wax).

Wax: Listen, Wayne, if you want to be a good man... Wayne: Actually, I'm a girl today. Wax: [processing very quickly] Just today? Wayne: Well, we'll see, I guess. Sometimes it's just for a day. Sometimes it's a girl week. Wax: Noted. Wax: Listen, Wayne, if you want to be a good woman...

5. Rlain: Matter-of-factly

Rlain knows he has to make humans accept him as a person. Sometimes he tells them that he plays cards. Sometimes he tells them that he is gay.

Rlain: I'm Rlain. And this is my boyfriend, Renarin. The Alethi guy who was just talking shit about Singers: Uh... Rlain: Now you know something else about me. Rlain: Namely, I can pull.

6. Shallan: Eventually and with difficulty

Look, Shallan does not like to reveal lore about herself. Sometimes it takes being trapped in a cave in a high storm. Sometimes she makes her alters do it. It's a process.

Shallan (currently huddled with Kaladin in the little nook while the high storm rages outside) Shallan: ....A-And also, I think I have a crush on Jasnah! Shallan: Does that mean I like women??? Kaladin: Even worse, you might have bad taste in women! Shallan: What Kaladin: I shouldn't say my first thought.

7. Sazed: Makes Wax do it

This is always the Sazed-Harmony strategy.

Sazed: [communicating with Wax via his earring] Please tell everyone that my pronouns are now "they/them" so if they could stop using "he" for me, I'd appreciate it. Sazed: I know that there are other things going on, but it has been annoying me for hundreds of years now. Wax: ...You sent a kandra to command me to put in my earring for this...? Couldn't the kandra just do it...? Sazed: You try explaining pronouns to a kandra!

8. Vivenna: Just kinda assumed people knew

The short hair and the sword aren't enough??

Beard: Captain, we've been talking... Beard: And we've come up with a list of just three guys in all of Kholinar who we think MIGHT be worthy of going on a date with you! Vivenna: ...Try again, but with women. Beard: .... Beard: Oh! Vivenna (to herself): How much more obvious could I make it?

9. Jasnah: Writes a truly groundbreaking treatise

Jasnah is not going to bother coming out if it's not also scholarship.

Ethid: Your treatise on asexuality will truly have a lasting effect on scholarship. Jochi: I predict that the undertext referring to your own experiences will promote much speculation in future generations. Jasnah: Thank you, both. Jasnah: ...Glad that relationship was worth something.

10. Nikaro: Tells no one until they all figure it out for themselves

Nikaro can't shake the fear that everyone will leave if they know the truth, groundless as that fear may be.

Akane: Last week you had a boyfriend. Yumi: Correct. Akane: Today you have a girlfriend. Yumi: I do. Akane: Your girlfriend looks quite a bit like my old friend, Nikaro. Yumi: Fancy that. Akane: ... Akane: Congrats on the gender, Painter! Painter: ...It's that easy?

11. Dalinar: Unintentional lore drop

Dalinar is one of Those dads.

Kaladin with puppy requested by anon. :)

No puppies will be even (imaginarily) harmed in the making of this post! Anyway, let's think about key moments in the Stormlight Archive and how the would have been different with Kaladin had a puppy during them.

1. Kaladin forcing the Bridgemen to wake up

Kaladin has decided to take control and make sure the bridgemen survive. But they don't respect him. They don't listen to him. He decides he's going to wake them up at the crack of dawn to train....and he decides to pick the meanest bridgeman to make an example of.

Moash: WHAT THE HELL IS LICKING MY FACE The puppy: ! ! ! ! ! ! Kaladin: And if the rest of you don't want to be woken by slobbery kisses, you'd better get up! Rock: ....Sounds kinda nice, actually. Moash: IT IS NOT NICE

2. The Disadvantaged Duel

Adolin and Renarin are in the arena. It's the disadvantaged duel. Dalinar is frantically asking someone, anyone to help them--where is their honor??

Kaladin: Honor will not be with me. But I'll see what I can do. Kaladin: [hands Dalinar a fat, fluffy puppy and then jumps into the arena] Dalinar: [staring down at the glyph on the puppy's collar] This creature's name is Honor...?

3. Prison

Kaladin has been thrown into prison due to him daring to challenge Amaram.

Kaladin: I'm so sorry, Honor. Kaladin: This prison.... We can't see the sun. We can't leave. It's like being trapped in the darkness. The puppy: [is making little puppy snoring sounds in its sleep] Kaladin: ... Kaladin: Maybe it's not quite so bad with you here.

4. Kaladin and Shallan in the chasms

It's the next morning. Shallan has barely slept. She is bedraggled. Exhausted. Irritated.

Kaladin (cheerfully): It's morning! Let's get walking! The puppy (equally cheerfully): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Shallan: ... Shallan: They're both storming morning people?!

5. Kaladin rescuing Dalinar from Szeth

Szeth sent Dalinar up into the sky to die. But! He just floated back down, safe and sound! And who is that coming down from the sky, glowing and heroic?

Kaladin (he has a puppy in his arms): You (bark!) sent him (bark!) to the sky (bark!) to (bark!) die, assassin. (bark!) But (bark) the skies (bark!) are mine (bark!).... Kaladin: ... Kaladin: Um, Honor, do you mind? I'm trying be dramatic here.

6. Returning to Hearthstone

Kaladin's return to Hearthstone was very dramatic in canon, what with him being a Radiant 'n' all. But in this version, he also has a puppy.

That guard, stubbornly: He's dangerous. He has a shash brand. Hesina: He is currently playing with an adorable puppy! The guard: It's probably a...dangerous puppy? Hesina: Do you have eyes???

7. Fighting Lezian

Kaladin is being constantly pursued by a horrible Fused who can discard his body and zip into a new one to avoid death!

The puppy: [happily chasing Lezian's discarded husks like it's a game of fetch] Lezian: Um, can he stop doing that? I feel like it's bad for my dignity. Kaladin: You have dignity?

8. The dog and the dragon

Kaladin is in a coma. His soul has been taken to Braize. It is horrible. But! Hoid has come. And he's telling Kaladin a story.

Hoid: "The dog slunk away, feeling foolish and hurt. He had failed in his first task, to have scales like a dragon." Kaladin (holding a dream version of his puppy protectively in his arms): He did NOT fail! Kaladin: That dog did NOTHING wrong!

9. The puppy and Syl

I just want to state for the record that no matter where we are in Stormlight, Syl absolutely LOVES the puppy.

Kaladin: !! Kaladin: Syl...did you just pet Honor? Syl: I'm learning to be more solid! Syl: Specifically so I can scratch a very good good boy under his super soft and fluffy ears! The puppy: Bark! Bark! Bark! Syl: I love you too!!

10. The puppy and Kaladin's depression

Having a puppy would not in any way cure Kaladin's depression, of course. But depression + puppy > than depression and no puppy, am I right?

Great minds think alike, friend!

So I've done Cosmere characters vs. math which will have to be enough because I don't know any advanced maths :)

As requested by @i-am-a-radioactive-paperclip :)

Previously in this series: Leshwi/Kaladin, Kaladin/Lezian, Shallan/Vin, Kaladin/Kelsier, Renarin/Rlain, Shakadolin, Shallan/Kaladin, Kaladin/Adolin, Jasnah/Shallan, and Raboniel/Navani.

Note: this post does not contain any WAT spoilers or Era 2 spoilers (to the best of my ability) per requester's request. I'm assuming Secret History spoilers are a go!

1. Vin

Vin: Kelsier is dating...that one beggar who gave him information sometimes...? Vin: ... Vin: But why

2. Shallan

Shallan: [solemnly hands Hoid a plaque] Shallan: I thought talking about poop on a first date was bad. Shallan: But corpse-surfing into a room and then beating a guy up? Now that's bad. Hoid: [reading the plaque] "Worst...first...impression...award"? Shallan: You've earned it, champ.

3. Tress

Tress: Didn't Hoid call this guy his "old nemesis"? Tress: Why would they date if they're enemies? Salay: [putting a gentle hand on Tress's shoulder] Are you in good place to learn information that might hurt you? Tress: ...Yes? Salay: Sometimes, when people hate each other in the right way...

4. Marsh

Marsh: After Mare, I didn't really believe that my brother would ever date again. Marsh: But I didn't consider the possibility that he might date someone who is functionally immortal. Marsh: ... Marsh: I guess he really doesn't want to go through that loss again.

5. Frost

Frost: Hoid, who can do no violence (and yet insists on getting overly involved anyway) is now dating a man who kills as easily as he once breathed. Frost: Hoid has an attack dog. Frost: ... Frost: I do not like where this is going.

6. Jasnah

Hoid: Fired from being the Queen's Wit?! But why? Jasnah: You are dating the head of the organization that orchestrated my assassination. Hoid: ... Hoid: ... Hoid: Oh. Right.

7. Leras

Leras: Kelsier, listen, I get it. Leras: Dating the dangerous bad boy is thrilling. Leras: But then, before you know it, you're trapped on a planet together in a choking, toxic relationship! Kelsier: [glaring] Leras: I-I'm telling you this as a friend! Kelsier: Are you implying that I'm NOT the dangerous bad boy in this relationship?! Leras: ... Leras: It may be too late for me to help you.

8. Ati

Ati: Kelsier, listen, I get it. Ati: As a certified god-puncher, you wanna date the guy who killed the god. Kelsier: ....and? Ati: Hmm? No, that's it. Ati: I'm saying I get it. This relationship makes total sense to me. Kelsier: ... Kelsier: That's the opposite of comforting...

9. Design

Design: Hoid, are you erotically inclined toward men you can beat up? Design: Does that make you a "dom"? Design: If so, isn't pretty sad that your soulweb literally prevents you from doing violence? Design: Will the sex therefore be somewhat hollow and unsatisfying for you? Forever? Design: Is that why you look so grumpy right now? Design: Hey how come you're ignoring me?

10. Sazed

Cosmere characters at an amusement park requested by @echoingcave :)

I have done characters at Disneyland and characters at a Ren Faire, so in order to change this one up a bit, I'm going to think about which pairs of characters (from different worlds, just for an extra challenge) would most enjoy going to an amusement park together.

1. Kaladin & Vin: Going on the tallest, fastest, most extreme coasters they can

And yet...they're not really thrilling enough.

Kaladin: I mean...it was fun, but it was no "flying at the front of a highstorm." Vin: Yeah--is it really freefall if you have a seatbelt? Jumping off of buildings is more exciting. Kaladin: Another? Vin: Heck yeah!

2. Renarin & Spook: Going on the tallest, fastest, most extreme coasters they can

The rides are terrifying, yes. But they love it.

Renarin: You're right! Closing your eyes on the ride DOES make it scarier! Spook: Still not why I'm wearing the blindfold, but glad I helped, I guess.

3. Wax and Ann: Killing it at the shooting games

This is after Ann gets her glasses.

Wax: So what are you going to do with your six large stuffed animals? Ann: Let's just say the holidays are covered! What are you going to do with yours? Wax: Kids. Ann: Awww! Ann: Your shooting skills make you a good father. Wax: Thank you?

4. Lift and Siri: Can't stop eating

Can't stop. Won't stop.

Siri: Phew, I'm stuffed! I can't believe we got through that funnel cake! It was the size of your head! Lift: Ooooh, that stand has birthday cake popcorn! Siri: LET'S FREAKIN GO

5. Steris and Vivenna: Making a plan (and sticking to it)

By hour two, Vivenna definitely has a crush on Steris.

Steris: People say the restaurant is good, but slammed at lunchtime. Vivenna: So we eat a big lunch at 10am? Steris: And then at noon we can go to that ride whose line is always long! Vivenna: Sneak in while people are busy at lunch? Brilliant! Steris: No, you're brilliant!

6. Dalinar and Nikaro: Keep riding the same ride over and over again

They're on their fourth go. It's barely noon.

Dalinar: Every time I ride this ride, I understand the narrative better. Dalinar: I feel so close to grasping the meaning of the dynamite that seemingly explodes and sends the minecart rocketing forward. Nikaro: I mostly just like this one and don't see why I'd do something else. Nikaro: But you do you, man.

7. Shallan and Kelsier: Determined to do it all

And they will NOT be taking any sort of "breaks." Not when they could uncover another aspect of this amusement park!

Kelsier: Okay, so you go to that show and record it, and I'll go to this one at the same time. Then we can swap recordings while waiting in line, and that's, like, three things checked off at once. Shallan: You're not allowed to record the shows. Kelsier: ... Shallan: ... Kelsier: Ha ha, that's a good one! Shallan: Ha ha, I had you going for a second!

8. Sebarial and Vasher: Found a shady seat to nap

Just two old men in big sun hats, snoozing away.

Vasher: You're awfully generous. Vasher: Every time Shallan appears, you hand her more money. Sebarial: ... Sebarial: You see nothing.

9. Tress and Susebron: Experiencing childlike wonder

The two of them are looking around with huge, wondering eyes. They may or may not be holding hands.

Tress: Look! That ride is giant teacups! We should go! Susebron: Tress! I think that's a real princess over there! Tress: This place is amazing!

10. Yumi and Wayne: Having fun shopping

There are crafts, souvenirs, hats...

Yumi: Tell me honestly. Yumi: Is this hat too large? Wayne: [studies the ten gallon hat, taller than Yumi's own head, that she is currently wearing] Wayne: If anything, I think you need to buy a miniature version of that hat to wear on top. Yumi: BRILLIANT

11. Dusk and Szeth: Trying to find somewhere that isn't so damn crowded

Look, they gave it a try, but crowds are not their thing.

Szeth (who has not otherwise spoken for three hours): I should say that I'm grateful that you found this spot. Dusk (who has also not otherwise spoken for three hours): You were the one who figured out how to climb over the dumpsters to get behind them. Szeth: Admittedly it is slightly smelly back here. Dusk: But so quiet. Szeth: Yes. Szeth: I like it too.

12. TenSoon and Nightblood: Left outside

Sadly, neither dogs nor swords are allowed inside amusement parks.

That list is already written! However, if you wish to be spoiled on whether or not I included such a Kaladin, I’ll put it below the cut.

If you saw Cosmere characters on the bus, I think this is what the experience might be like.

Steris: The person who has her bus pass or exact change ready to go, and then spends the rest of the trip side-eyeing people who wait until they get to the driver before digging around in their bags.

Moash: Is polite to the bus driver and 100% ready to throw down with anyone who tries to be rude to them.

Vasher: The scruffy guy in the back of the bus who is potentially homeless and probably drunk.

Jasnah: Leaves her purse on the seat next to her so long as their are open seats anywhere else on the bus.

Tress: Slides as far sideways she can to leave as much room as possible for whoever might sit next next to her.

Adolin: Cheerfully man-spreads, it's true, but will also be the first to offer his seat to the elderly.

Kaladin: Guy who always stands even when there are open seats available. You've privately dubbed him "handsome standing bus guy."

Elhokar: Person who seems nervous to be on a public bus and is fuguratively clutching his pearls at anyone who seems unwell or (gasp!) poor.

Wayne: Has made 19 new best friends by chatting to whoever sits next to him.

Lopen: Has made 17 new best friends and 2 forever enemies by chatting to whoever sits next to him.

Dilaf: The person who won't stop talking loudly about religion. People are pretending not to see or hear him.

Vin: The person who brings her much-too-large dog onto the bus with her.

Shallan: A magnet for men who want to find a magic pixie dream girl, since she is wearing headphones and sketching. This dream lasts until they see what Shallan is drawing.

Nikaro: The person who stares morosely out the window for the whole ride. Works best when it's raining.

Elend: What is a bus trip other than time to read?

Navani: What is a bus trip other than time to work on research notes?

Lightsong: What is a bus trip other than time to nap? Yes, he misses his stop a lot.

can you please put this on the list of upcoming lists, ms harms-ladrian? (im pretending the person running the acc is steris cause she also makes a lot of lists)