I tried so hard to add a video Iāve had for ages to this post, but I think the guy (@athofficial666) deleted his tiktok account or something, and tumblr requires a URL to add videos to posts, so Iām just gonna type a transcript bc I donāt have anything better to do:
(content warning for irrelevant fatphobic joke)
āI used to work at a convenience store. For those of you wondering, itās open 7 hours a day, 11 days a week. I was up at the counter, reading my magazine one day. Cuz aināt shit was goinā on. Itās an easy fuckinā job. And this dude walked in, you know the type, pantyhose over his face. Looked like a skidmark going down the front of it, too. [shudders] And they werenāt tight, neither. Looked like the woman they belonged to, she step on a scale and it goes what the fuck-Ā
Well, he sticks a bang stick in my face, demands all the money in the register, and a carton of Newport shorts. So naturally, I thought Iād fuck with him. I opened up the register, packed up all the money. Grabbed a carton of cigarettes and set āem on the counter.
Looked him dead in his eye and says:Ā
āIām gonna need to see an ID.ā
I said, āman, state law. I gotta ID for the cigarettes.ā
He said, āoh. I understand.ā
[turns and reaches towards a pocket]
Pulls out his wallet, and shows me his ID!
That motherfucker was at the shallow end of the gene pool.
Well, when this happened, I figured, hm. I wonder how far I can take this.
So I decided I was gonna be cute. I rang up the cigarettes.
Said, āyeah man, thatāll be $31.20.ā (if that doesnāt fuckin age the story....)
He, from the money I just gave him, handed me 40 and said ākeep the change.ā
This dumb motherfucker here.
Surprisingly, he took the shit and left. Then we called the 5-O. They showed up, asked us if we had a description.
I said, āIāll give you his fuckinā home address!ā
I said,Ā āhe wanted all the money in the register and a carton of Newports. State law, I had to card him.ā
To that day, I aināt never see a cop laugh that hard.ā