in unrequited love with garlic bread

i appear to have made mortal nemeses with a pigeon

tumblr stop rooting for the pigeon

CEASE THIS IMMEDIATELY

Hello my beautiful human body! I’ve invited you here today to discuss adopting non-mucus-based solutions to common challenges—

Look I think it is commendable to write a book. That takes work no matter what. But man are there some bad ones out there.

big tshirt that says YOUR INTERPRETATIONS MUST HAVE A STRONG BASIS IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL on the front and I HATE FUN on the back

just overheard a mum in the museum ask her seven-year-old child ‘shall we say bye-bye to the skull?’

My girlfriend is on a cruise so while she’s gone I’m gonna cut the sleeves off of all my shirts

why

She’s pretty much 85% of my impulse control

This post is around 10 years old and I just had someone bring it up to me at a wedding

internet ransom note where instead of magazine letters it’s just jpgs of letters found on google

[gripping the sink] perfectionism does not help me avoid embarrassment or shame. perfectionism is in itself a form of shame. when i struggle with perfectionism i struggle with shame. when i struggle with perfectionism i struggle with shame. when i struggle with perfectionism i struggle with shame

We all got that feeble & extremely unpleasant loser friend that wont let u touch their shit just because yo hands sticky as fuck

Okay, this is actually funny

if i had a dick i would love to have a disappointing orgasm in the shower while thinking of something or someone that i felt i should not be thinking about & then stand under the water with my forehead against a wall watching the proof of my guilt & shame go down the drain

The insight I get into the female mind thanks to this website is amazing.

not a female 👍

tv show like grey's anatomy except they're veterinarians. all the soap opera drama but there's creatures all over the place. "is that a gerbil on your scrubs or are you just excited to see me" but it's actually the gerbil, he's a patient and we can't be having sex right now.

the characters still wax poetic via voiceover about how the surgery of the day is just like their own tumultuous personal lives but the surgery in question is like. neutering a bunch of kittens.

which is of course exactly like Dr. Riverbeans trying to decide if he wants to be a father. it's such a huge decision, and he just doesn't know what to do! if only someone had made the decision for him by gently anesthetizing him as a child and fucking. cutting his balls off.

little does he know that his girlfriend, hot livestock veterinarian Dr. Josta, is about to get kicked in the head by a horse patient so hard that she's in a coma for months because the actress needs time away to film a supporting role in the new live action polly pocket movie

meanwhile veterinary assistant Hermione (no relation to the wizard character) is desperately trying to hide the fact that her current love interest is a man who practices and unironically believes in "pet reiki" because her coworkers would never let her live it down

I want big drama for the humans but I don't want to get super emo with the animals, so this takes place in the most successful veterinary practice and no animals ever actually die during the episodes. we can get silly with it. Dr. Spud has a case with a great dane who swallowed a lit stick of dynamite and we see them later looking like a looney toon post-explosion grinning ear to ear and letting us know the dog was fine

[looking at people younger than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at people older than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at myself] its over

you have to be careful reading too many things that are good/smart/well-written bc then you encounter something that isnt and you get confused like ? why didnt they just make this good ? were they stupid