Mystery Wings

Well, it kinda depends on the context but covert incest was/is often used to describe nonphysical incestual (usually parental) abuse.

Like, guardians sharing their porn with children or explicit details about their sex life, or watching their child naked/taking pictures of their child naked, or even having sex with their child around even if their child isn't involved.

But people also use it to mean the same thing as emotional incest, which refers to a very specific type of parentification where an adult relies on/uses a child as a stand-in spouse.

I used to hate when people applied the word "incest" to psychological/emotional abuse until something clicked for me, and I realized that it really is that invasive, gross, and insidious. (And as someone who's also experienced CSA I am giving you a license to call that shit exactly what it is).

What is enmeshment / emotional incest?

Enmeshment occurs when a child is not allowed to have any boundaries. This lack of boundaries causes confusion between the roles of parent and child, making the child take on an adult role, becoming inappropriately emotionally intimate with the parent and often acting more like a surrogate partner--thus referred to as emotional incest. Other related terms are covert incest (with overt being sexual abuse) and parentification (when a child has to not only act as an adult, or partner, but caretaker for the parent).

How does enmeshment / emotional incest present?

- Parent both lacks personal boundaries for themselves and does not allow child to have boundaries, and frequently gets angry if child attempts to develop any boundaries

- Parent treats child as a source to meet their own needs rather than as a separate/autonomous person

- Parent does not allow child to say "no" to them (even after child has grown up)

- Parent feels entitled to access child at all times (even after child has grown up), and frequently gets anxious or angry if access is denied; frequently uses guilt tripping and other manipulation tactics

- Parent is emotionally needy and demanding, and seeks out an inappropriately close/intimate relationship with child; may even make comments about how special the relationship between them is or that they have a bond like no one else does

- Parent makes child responsible for managing their emotional states and uses child to regulate their emotions for them

- Parent may blame child for their problems

- Parent has unrealistic expectations about child's role and responsibilities toward them, may bleed into expecting/demanding/forcing physical contact that is unwanted by child

- Parent shares inappropriate details about their personal life, may lean on child like a therapist, and is intrusive about child's life, therefore not allowing child to have space or privacy

- Parent assumes that their personality and preferences are shared by child, struggles to see child as their own separate/autonomous person

- Parent says and does things that are excessively controlling; is manipulative and undermines child's ability to feel, think, or act for themselves by keeping them in a state of both control and chaos (also known as coercive control)

- Parent is prone to taking over or unilaterally making decisions for child that child should be capable of and allowed to make for themselves (even after child has grown up)

- Parent has excessive concern or commentary about child's body or other personal matters

- Parent says and does things to keep child dependent on them for as long as possible, may even outright say "you need me" or otherwise undermine child's growth and development as they grow up (or even after child has grown up)

- Parent becomes upset or feels "left out" as child grows up and tries to become more independent

- Parent may take responsibility for child's success, citing their wonderful parenting and expecting credit or praise when child accomplishes things

- Parent displays unreasonable dislike or jealousy toward child's partner(s) as they grow up, may insist that only they can have a special bond with child, outright fabricate reasons to hate child's partner(s), or try to drive a wedge between them

(This is not an exhaustive list, only some examples).

How does enmeshment / emotional incest trauma impact the victim?

Emotional incest is a serious form of abuse, and similar effects are seen between victims of emotional incest and overt incest (sexual abuse). This is because, in both cases, the child is being violated by the parent. Because they are stripped of their autonomy, they are not really allowed to be a person at all. They are fundamentally treated as an object to serve the parent's needs or even as an extension of the parent themselves.

- Disruption in attachment, often resulting in disorganized (i.e. fearful-avoidant) attachment, because the caregiver is both the primary source of emotional intimacy and comfort as well as a source of confusion and distress

- CPTSD and other trauma disorders, especially dissociation as this type of abuse often causes confusion in child's identity and sense of self; pervasive depression and anxiety, addiction, etc.

- Feeling "uncomfortable, gross, or icky" about the parent or relationship with the parent--but often maintaining a feeling of obligation, anxiety, and guilt over the need to meet parent's needs

- Feeling chronically stressed, exhausted, and drained by the demand of parent's needs

- Struggling to form an internal sense of security, not trusting self to know how to function autonomously, feeling lost without being controlled

- Poor self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, and insecurity in relationships

- Extreme anxiety and/or guilt about trying to develop or enforce boundaries

- People pleasing, fear of upsetting others, expecting extreme reactions and retaliation

- Being overly dependent on others to function or make decisions, OR overfunctioning/codependency and even taking on others' responsibilities for them, OR both in different contexts

- Hypersexuality or other problems with intimacy due to not knowing how to have healthy intimacy

I used to hate when people applied the word "incest" to psychological/emotional abuse until something clicked for me, and I realized that it really is that invasive, gross, and insidious. (And as someone who's also experienced CSA I am giving you a license to call that shit exactly what it is).

What is enmeshment / emotional incest?

Enmeshment occurs when a child is not allowed to have any boundaries. This lack of boundaries causes confusion between the roles of parent and child, making the child take on an adult role, becoming inappropriately emotionally intimate with the parent and often acting more like a surrogate partner--thus referred to as emotional incest. Other related terms are covert incest (with overt being sexual abuse) and parentification (when a child has to not only act as an adult, or partner, but caretaker for the parent).

How does enmeshment / emotional incest present?

- Parent both lacks personal boundaries for themselves and does not allow child to have boundaries, and frequently gets angry if child attempts to develop any boundaries

- Parent treats child as a source to meet their own needs rather than as a separate/autonomous person

- Parent does not allow child to say "no" to them (even after child has grown up)

- Parent feels entitled to access child at all times (even after child has grown up), and frequently gets anxious or angry if access is denied; frequently uses guilt tripping and other manipulation tactics

- Parent is emotionally needy and demanding, and seeks out an inappropriately close/intimate relationship with child; may even make comments about how special the relationship between them is or that they have a bond like no one else does

- Parent makes child responsible for managing their emotional states and uses child to regulate their emotions for them

- Parent may blame child for their problems

- Parent has unrealistic expectations about child's role and responsibilities toward them, may bleed into expecting/demanding/forcing physical contact that is unwanted by child

- Parent shares inappropriate details about their personal life, may lean on child like a therapist, and is intrusive about child's life, therefore not allowing child to have space or privacy

- Parent assumes that their personality and preferences are shared by child, struggles to see child as their own separate/autonomous person

- Parent says and does things that are excessively controlling; is manipulative and undermines child's ability to feel, think, or act for themselves by keeping them in a state of both control and chaos (also known as coercive control)

- Parent is prone to taking over or unilaterally making decisions for child that child should be capable of and allowed to make for themselves (even after child has grown up)

- Parent has excessive concern or commentary about child's body or other personal matters

- Parent says and does things to keep child dependent on them for as long as possible, may even outright say "you need me" or otherwise undermine child's growth and development as they grow up (or even after child has grown up)

- Parent becomes upset or feels "left out" as child grows up and tries to become more independent

- Parent may take responsibility for child's success, citing their wonderful parenting and expecting credit or praise when child accomplishes things

- Parent displays unreasonable dislike or jealousy toward child's partner(s) as they grow up, may insist that only they can have a special bond with child, outright fabricate reasons to hate child's partner(s), or try to drive a wedge between them

(This is not an exhaustive list, only some examples).

How does enmeshment / emotional incest trauma impact the victim?

Emotional incest is a serious form of abuse, and similar effects are seen between victims of emotional incest and overt incest (sexual abuse). This is because, in both cases, the child is being violated by the parent. Because they are stripped of their autonomy, they are not really allowed to be a person at all. They are fundamentally treated as an object to serve the parent's needs or even as an extension of the parent themselves.

- Disruption in attachment, often resulting in disorganized (i.e. fearful-avoidant) attachment, because the caregiver is both the primary source of emotional intimacy and comfort as well as a source of confusion and distress

- CPTSD and other trauma disorders, especially dissociation as this type of abuse often causes confusion in child's identity and sense of self; pervasive depression and anxiety, addiction, etc.

- Feeling "uncomfortable, gross, or icky" about the parent or relationship with the parent--but often maintaining a feeling of obligation, anxiety, and guilt over the need to meet parent's needs

- Feeling chronically stressed, exhausted, and drained by the demand of parent's needs

- Struggling to form an internal sense of security, not trusting self to know how to function autonomously, feeling lost without being controlled

- Poor self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, and insecurity in relationships

- Extreme anxiety and/or guilt about trying to develop or enforce boundaries

- People pleasing, fear of upsetting others, expecting extreme reactions and retaliation

- Being overly dependent on others to function or make decisions, OR overfunctioning/codependency and even taking on others' responsibilities for them, OR both in different contexts

- Hypersexuality or other problems with intimacy due to not knowing how to have healthy intimacy

Y’all???

Please tell me the average citizen does not need how fucked up that is explained to them???

But in case you do:

1) That makes it sound like if you are experiencing incestuous abuse it’s your fault for not stopping it and if any survivor out there needs to hear this, it’s not your fault. Even if you willingly played along and never told another soul, even if you enjoyed it while it was happening, it’s not your fault and there is nothing dirty, disgusting, or unforgivable about you.

Incestuous abuse is complicated, and most often times cyclical. Emotionally and physically. People experiencing it have never had those boundaries defined and often don’t realize that what’s happening to them is atypical, even if they do feel upset or uncomfortable about it. It’s not their fault that they were never allowed to form boundaries.

2) “tell a trustworthy adult”??? What adult is trustworthy?

I don’t think I know a single incest survivor who tried to tell an adult within their family and was believed. Parents don’t want to think their own children are assaulting each other, or that their own siblings would assault their children, and if the abuse is coming from the parents themself how the ever living fuck is that child meant to assume that any other adult would care?

Incest is not typically a violent assault. It’s not even always sexual in nature. And if it is it’s exceptionally rare for it to be conducted without any emotional grooming. These people love and need you, they want to make you feel good, they want your help making them feel good. This is happening because you’re special, because your relationship is special, because there’s no one else they can go to, because they need your help, because they love you and you love them.

Most of time incest survivors who told their family are not believed or told not to talk about it because no one wants to face the reality of how it tears families apart. Or because it’s happened to them too and they can’t face it or don’t know that it’s wrong.

And again- survivors are made to feel like they have a very special connection to their abuser. Trust is everything to a child. Betraying that sort of trust from someone you love is hard. And what happens if they do tell someone? They get the person in trouble? When they asked you not to? When they rely on you? When you love them?

I get that the knee jerk reaction to incest for a lot of people is disgust but please for the love of God just try and think critically about the things you say about it. Educate yourself on the realities of it before you enlighten the world with your personal takes.

And at the end of it all do you want to know the worst part of it? I couldn’t even confidently tell you that that comment wasn’t coming from a survivor with so much internalized guilt and self hatred that they’ve convinced themself they should have done something to stop it. In fact, I’d bet the odds are high that’s exactly what’s happened.

whumpee has been raped, sexually abused. whumpee is traumatized. whumpee doesn't want to have sex after. they're not ready yet, or they don't want it at all anymore not now not ever. whumper sees this, and they think well. that can't be allowed to continue.

whumpee can't deprive the world of their body. whumpee can't deprive whumper of the intimacy whumper has wanted from them. (maybe even before they were traumatized, and now they feel cheated.) maybe their motivation is to help whumpee, to cure them, because it makes them sad to see the trauma, see how badly whumpee is hurting from what was done to them. they have to get past this, and putting it off is only making it worse. they'll never heal if they hide from it.

i love that. one of the most compelling things about writing about trauma for me is when the abuse has been so well internalized that the character takes over perpetuating the abuse against themself even in the abuser's absence/after the abuse has ended. they repeat the beliefs they were taught about themself, the language their abuser(s) used beats against the inside of their skull especially when they're vulnerable.

and the belief that it's good that they're an object. that they're useful, that they give people pleasure and at least that means they're worth something. that's something they can offer to their rescuers/friends. they don't want to but they have to offer something.

"They're not worth it," Whumpee had said softly. "I've lived through it. They're gone. I'm fine."

But Caretaker wasn't. Not even close.

Hey I'm so sorry for my delayed response! I really wanted to do all my asks justice and then I pressure myself into not answering at all😥 I know it's been a long time but I really appreciate the ask!

Stoic whumpee trauma dumping

Content: shaming for trauma dumping (!), ptsd, stoic whumpee

When what you've been through is everything you know. Maybe they can't talk about anything that isn't dark because they don't know what it's like

Stoic whumpee that says something they think is normal in their regular monotone, only to be interrupted with "Can you please... Not here..."

Or. "...are you okay?"

content: negative reactions on trauma dumping, complicated team dynamics, PTSD, stoic whumpee, misunderstandings, unconscious ableism

whumpee’s sense of “what counts as fucked up” is deeply uncalibrated (if not completely destroyed). they genuinely don’t see the issue in lots of things. violence? death or torture? cruelty? a lot of things are just normal for them. it was their regular tuesday to see these things happen to someone, to survive these things, or even to inflict them upon others.

the team doesn’t know much about their past. they probably guessed that it was kinda fucked up, but they don’t know details and don’t get the level of fucked-ness. so at least some of their teammates think that whumpee is Just Like That. they speak nonchalantly about cruel things because they ARE just a cruel asshole. they don’t react visibly to bad things happening because they don’t care.

so when whumpee drops something traumadump-ey, some people see it as malicious. “they tell us these fucked up stories to make us feel disturbed or sick or whatever. they do it to hurt us.”

maybe not all of the team thinks the same. maybe some of them think “wow, that’s really fucked that they speak about this horrible shit like it’s a regular tuesday. probably their past was more terrible than i thought.” maybe they even try to hint with “are you okay?” and “wow, that sounds awful,” and are faced with genuine confusion. whumpee doesn’t understand why their teammate is concerned. they just shared a funny/interesting/relevant story about their past, why is teammate asking?

same with negative reactions. whumpee doesn’t understand why some people are mad at them for saying some things. like, what’s wrong with their words? they didn’t offend anyone, they just shared a story, people do this all the time! it even helps them to bond and become closer! why does it never work for them?

maybe whumpee starts to feel that they’re just undesirable. people don’t like anything about them. people are mad or upset with them all the time without any clear reason. they do whatever everyone else does but somehow it’s always wrong and bad. maybe they’re just fundamentally a bad person who is unlikable to everyone else.

Caretaker wraps them in a hug, bringing them back to their body in a soft, pressure-filled gesture of safety.

They have a specific trigger? Stomp it till they have a panic attack. Make them suffer when they're triggered.

Adoption is not the solution. Adoption is traumatic. American for profit infant adoption and all international adoption is human trafficking disguising itself as child welfare.

If we can have requirements in place to adopt a child or serve as a foster parent, why on earth can we not have requirements for someone to have biological children as well. Why do we feel that biological children are okay to put into unvetted/overcrowded/unsafe homes, but not foster or adoptive ones? No child should be subject to that. We can require foster kids get their vaccines and go to the doctor/dentist, but we can't have that same requirement for all kids? We can required foster kids go to public school and meet with a therapist on a regular basis, but we can't have that same requirement for all kids?

We could be preventing the need for foster care and adoption at all right at the source, but no one wants to talk about that. Comprehensive sex education including all methods of contraception needs to be mandatory for every single human being. Long-term birth control options such as implants, IUDs, and vasectomies all of which can be reversed later, need to be strongly encouraged especially amongst younger populations. Pregnancy testing needs to be routine and abortion needs to be readily accessible.

"The adoption industry is a for-profit, multibillion-dollar industry that makes its money by exploiting families in crisis where babies are the commodity. We grow up, and we are asking you to sit with us in the discomfort and keep listening."