#enmeshment

Common signs of enmeshment are parents who overshare adult problems with their children, expect the child to meet their emotional needs, or rely on the child for comfort, validation, or decision-making. Children may be treated like a best friend, a therapist, or partner rather than a child. Privacy is not respected, guilt is used to control behavior, and disagreement is seen as disloyalty. If a child doesn’t think or feel the same way as the parent, the parent will tell the child that they don’t know how they feel and rewrite history in their own mind, Instead of the child is developing their own independent thoughts and desires. The child is saying as a problem or even insane for not viewing the world, the same as the rest of the dysfunctional system. A child might be told things like “You’re all I have,” “After everything I’ve done for you,” or “Family doesn’t keep secrets,” which trains a child that having boundaries is selfish or cruel.

As an adult, enmeshment can show up as chronic guilt, difficulty making decisions without approval, fear of disappointing family - not making decisions without considering what your family is going to say or do, or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. In healthy families, children make decisions about their own lives confidently because they trust themselves, and then they share with their parents later, not fearing that they will be reprimanded or made to feel like a horrible human for living their lives as they should. Enmeshed individuals may overexplain, overshare, or feel intense anxiety when they try to say no or create distance. Even when the relationship is painful or controlling, separating can feel terrifying or wrong, because their nervous system has been trained to associate closeness with safety and independence with danger.

Escaping enmeshment is about slowly building a sense of self that is separate from the family system. This usually starts with internal boundaries: recognizing that other people’s feelings, crises, and reactions are not yours to manage. From there, it involves practicing small, external boundaries - saying no without overexplaining, keeping some parts of your life private, and making choices without seeking permission.

There is often a strong emotional backlash when someone begins to unmesh. Family members may accuse them of being selfish, cold, or “changed,” because the old system depended on their compliance. This discomfort does not mean you are doing something wrong. It usually means the system is losing control. Learning to tolerate this guilt and anxiety is part of the healing process.

The Exploring Motherhood in Arcane (Sakura-con 2026) transcript is now available on Ao3! Thank you for all your support, and a special thanks to my co-panelists @fruchtfleisch-art and @overhaulisms for the collective blood, sweat, and tears. With that, please enjoy our Mother’s Day gift!

Figurative Mothers preview:

“fig. 2. Codependence. Without their parents, this type of emotional reliance is exacerbated into codependence. In this image, we see Vi hugging a stuffed bunny to fall asleep, but Powder holds onto Vi as her comfort object, representing how Vi’s ability to depend on someone is a childhood fiction. Her support for Powder, however, is very much real. In essence, Vi is Powder’s bunny.

This thread continues when she reminisces on their youth, quote: ‘When I was a kid, some guy took my favorite toy and threw it up there. I used to come out here at night and stare at it, hoping maybe the wind or a bird might knock it down.’ (s1e01)

Here, she subconsciously admits to her hyper-independence, where the bunny symbolizes a childhood innocence and dependence on others. As a child, Vi had tried to rely on an external force to bring her bunny back; this is an expectation that she inevitably outgrows. Instead, she passes it on to Powder, facilitating that childhood innocence she worked so hard to preserve in their youth. By giving the bunny to Powder as a parting gift, she is symbolically giving Powder something to depend on in her absence.”

Girl why did you constantly have your hooha out you've got a dressing gown on tie the damn thing up you've got 3 kids in the house AND you're right across from your sons' room. And often times I was in the room with her naked, I SLEPT with her while she was naked.

"We're both girls" Okay and cover up woman. I dont care I'm you're daughter I didn't want to see that.

Then she'd say the same when she'd watch me change after I repeatedly asked her to leave/turn around or when she came into the bathroom to go to the toilet while I was showering, so I hid behind the curtain and she YANKED IT BACK?? What was the reason.

And all those times she'd make me hug her while naked? Hell I still remember trying to sleep only for her to be hugging me from behind while naked and I could FEEL the hairs pressed against me and EW EW EW EWWW it's gross and weird and creepy WHY was she like that

They had other people than their 13 year old child to complain to and whinge to about their shitty abusive husband- who they were actively subjecting the child to anyway. Adult people who could've supported them and taken care of them, given them advice and recourses to leave perhaps?

But no.

They actively made the choice to put their needs above yours and use you for their own comfort, no matter the cost to you. Did they protect you? No. Not from the terrifying man you were forced to live with, let alone themselves. They just wanted someone to make them feel better about choosing to continue to live in misery.