You ever wanted something so bad and you watch everyone around you get and you? Then you wonder why is it not happening for you, or what could possibly be wrong with you. That's what I feel everyday of the week. Every single time I get my period. For the last 16 years, I've watch ,What feels like, everyone around me become mothers or fathers. I new my entire life that all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I new I didn't want to be a teen mom, because I wanted to be able to independently provide for my child and I wanted to be in a stable love filled relationship with their dad. I wanted to give them everything I never had and more. I wanted to homeschool and be a stay at home mom. Then when I was 17, I met the love of my life. We went to college together, and again, while I was trying to create stability, everyone around me were becoming moms. They weren't ready, some of them embraced it. Others, well we're not going to talk about that. Then, every other year, my younger siblings were becoming parents. It started with my brother, then a couple years down the line my sister had a baby. Four months after that, my brother had a baby. Two years later my sister had another baby l, then 5 months later, my brother had another baby. For years, I stopped going home and started working more. I stopped talking to anyone. My relationship with my fiance suffered. I became very depressed and hid it behind my work. Then three years ago, it happened. I had my baby girl. I was induced, I had a c section, I had issues with breastfeeding and had to supplement formula (during a formula shortage). The thoughts of not being enough once again resurfaced. I put so much money and time into breastfeeding. Nothing helped. Meanwhile, my sister had three natural births and made enough milk to supply other babies. I felt incomplete and incompetent. I thought I was being selfish and greedy? I also thought: "what was wrong with me and my baby?". I overcompensated by pretty much not moving unless absolutely necessary and let myself be constantly available for whenever my baby wanted me. Whether she wanted to nurse or just for me to hold her. I literally held her ALL DAY everyday. I let her nurse on demand and didn't even put her down unless I had to cook ( her dad held her then). I even held her during naps. Now it's hard because I've made myself available to her 24/7 for 3 years and I don't know me any more. My entire life is dedicated to solely her. During the day, I'm almost constantly interacting with her. At night, I'm planning her activities and lesson plans for the next day. On top of it all, everyone around me is on their second kid. My sister had her 4th literal days after my baby's second birthday. It's so hard to see everyone else expanding their family while once again, I'm finding it difficult to conceive. My dream was to have four and my sister has that amongst others I know. Now, with my age, I'll settle for two. I want to experience having a son. His name is already picked out (just like I did with my daughter). However, it's not happening. At this point I'm starting to believe it's just not meant to be. I let myself be hopeful once again this month an hour ago, I went to take an ept and as I wiped, I noticed that I'm spotting. FUCK! I think I'm being ungrateful and greedy for wanting more. Now I'm figuring out how I can do even more for and bond even more with the one and only child I think I'll ever have. It's not that she's not enough, she's perfect! I'm the incompetent one. . .
