My boyfriend has a really low (nonexistent, really) sex drive. I’m hypersexual.
When we first started dating, we were long distance and had a lot of sex when I visited. We live together now and he told me a little over a year ago that he doesn’t really desire sex.
He’s described it to me as he has fun when we have sex, but he never really feels the need to do it unless I initiate. He also doesn’t want to most of the time when I initiate (which is fine, ofc!). I brought up the idea of being asexual to him and he was like I don’t really know if it’s that or some kind of physical issue, but he doesn’t want to see a doctor.
Would it be bad/acephobic to push for him to see a doctor? If he’s just ace then ofc that’s fine and I can live without sex, but if it’s actually a health issue like low T or something, I both want him to be healthy and would love if he had interest in sex again.
I’ve asked if he’d be ok with me having a sexual relationship outside of him, even just online, and he said no which I respect. I got myself a toy but I’m really missing that form of intimacy in our relationship because it felt so… meaningful to me, I guess. Also trying to decide if that’s just my trauma speaking lol.
I think it’s also important to note that he gets hard normally (like in a timely manner with stimulation) but I’ve never been able to make him cum :(
I’ve also tried to ask about if he’d wants to try new things, etc. because I’m his first sexual partner (I think he had sex with someone else for a time when we were broken up but idk) and I wasn’t sure if maybe I just wasn’t finding what he likes, but he wasn’t interested
I really want to emphasize that he does love me and we have a really good relationship in almost all other aspects, this is just something I’ve been struggling with pretty silently as I don’t want to make him feel bad or feel like he’s not enough
Basically any advice would be appreciated 🥲
So, here's the thing; I do have some thoughts about this whole thing but I don't have a lot of what I'd call "advice". This is kind of very personal and specific and I don't know either of your lives/situations well enough to advise much.
That said, you claim to be if he simply doesn't want sex but then you also seem to be assuming that, if he has low T or something like that, it's automatically something to "fix" to restore his interest in sex and not something he might simply leave as is because if the only symptom is a lack of sex drive, it might not be hurting anything and/or he doesn't care.
Saying you're okay if he's ace but "if it's fixable, I want to push him to fix it" isn't real support, Anon. He said he's not interested. He's trying to communicate with you about his sexuality.
He came out to you! Even if he did not identify himself as asexual, he still came out to you with significant news about his sexuality and it doesn't sound as if you've genuinely considered his sexuality as anything but a burden.
You also don't mention asking if this is a recent occurrence or if his lack of interest in sex is something that's been consistent for him over time. Just because he just told you doesn't mean this is a recent change. His sex drive may not even be something that's changed, he may have always felt like that.
You don't even mention asking! Or whether there are any parts of his health you're concerned about beyond him wanting sex.
At the end of the day, whether your boyfriend meets your standards of health (because those are your standards! There are many different ways to be healthy) is not actually something you get to decide.
It varies for everyone and some people can't meet the standards of "health", while others don't want to. They're all allowed to exist and make whatever choices about their body they want.
If you want to talk to your boyfriend and ask why he doesn't want to see a doctor, that's fine. But pushing him over something that's not currently an issue because you're interested in the possibility it might make him "want sex again" isn't fair to him and I very much doubt it'll help your relationship.
As for the rest of this, Anon, it's okay to want sex and intimacy with your partner. But if he doesn't want sex, maybe you should be trying to find a different type of intimacy for y'all to focus on (having a conversation about it would be a good starting place!) or, if it's important enough to you or hurting you, break up.
You can also find a space, like therapy, to talk about feeling bad or struggling in the absence of sex with your partner. Just because you don't want to make him feel bad (which is fair!) doesn't mean you can't talk about it at all. It just means don't push him into it or imply it's his fault or whatever.
I dunno, I feel like this isn't very helpful but lemme know if you have any other questions, Anon. 👍🏼
