moogie and adhd

potentially triggering content ahead. please proceed with caution.

when it comes to ADHD, we fall into many statistical shortcomings. the divorce rate is nearly twice as high for us. having ADHD can make you 5 to 10 times more likely to develop alcoholism and addiction. we are more likely to get into debt and make late payments. most of this has to do with the constant chase of dopamine, and acting on many impulses. so, with all of the odds stacked against us, it's not uncommon for those with ADHD to seek for things they can actually control. unfortunately, one of those is developing an eating disorder.

many people with ADHD already have poor eating habits. executive dysfunction and forgetfulness can make it hard to motivate ourselves to get up and cook a nutritious meal. we would rather just open the pantry and find a bag of chips - carbohydrates are a favorite among ADHDers. on the flip side, we can also be extremely motivated to cook and meal prep and chase food for the rush of dopamine we also receive from eating it. this can all lead to under-eating or overeating.

many people who don't have ADHD but have an eating disorder can usually have anxiety or depression. the eating disorder is formed as a combination of low self-esteem and needing to find something in their life that they can control. the same will apply here for ADHDers.

in my personal experience, my eating disorder started from that very same lack of control. dealing with the repercussions from my ADHD causing me to overspend, be late to university classes, put off on chores, etc... the one thing i felt that i could control while trying to "look better" was developing a restrictive eating disorder.

note: i will not be discussing any numbers (calories, weight, measurements) or methods that i use(d). eating disorders are very "contagious", competitive, and dangerous. to avoid spreading harmful verbiage, that information will not be discussed at all in this post. if you or a loved one is suffering from disordered eating, and you want to get help or your loved one has consented to seek help, visit here.

i was forced to partially recover after developing kidney problems from the lack of nutrition. i was focused - possibly even hyperfixated - on getting healthy in the right way. i deleted everything from my phone and laptop that was contributing to the unhealthiness, and focused on eating more and eating better. but these eating habits soon deteriorated and i was back to where i was before - lacking the energy and letting executive dysfunction take the wheel, eating entire bags of chips and processed foods and stopped exercising. needless to say, any weight i had lost was gained back and then some. the jeans that used to fall off my hips were now tight, and this was triggering.

thus, the restriction restarted.

ADHD perpetuates to my eating disorder because when I am not hyperfocused on the calorie content, i am "ruining my life" with those same poor habits that continue to exist in the statistics. i'm a few thousand dollars in student loan debt, i spend money that i need to be saving, i put off college assignments and when my apartment is a mess and the laundry pile is literally up to my thighs - i procrastinate dealing with it by writing this post. (reminder to take my meds tomorrow so that i can actually get some of that done. whew.)

many of us with ADHD may feel like we are just hamsters on a wheel. habits are terribly hard to break and even harder to form new and better ones. our neurotypial loved ones fail to understand why we keep "falling back into same patterns. you used to be so smart and so dedicated! remember when you would burn through reading books so quickly? and you were so happy?"

yeah, ouch.

if you're diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, you've probably been told at least 85,000 times that you need to "quiet down" when you're talking. or have been shot dirty looks when you finish a sentence for someone because you know where it was going and they are talking entirely too slow and you need this conversation to move just a little bit faster. maybe you've been told that you're annoying and you talk too much or post too much on social media. being asked to "pay more attention" when you have been this entire time, but playing with the strings on your hoodie and not making eye contact the entire time somehow means that you aren't a good listener.

sound familiar?

now, before i continue, that's not to say that we can't absolutely be rude and come across as poor listeners. that can be true. having ADHD isn't an excuse for acting like a dickwad, but it can be the driving reason we tend to speak as soon as a thought is formed.

i've found that in my friendships with other ADHDers, we interrupt each other and talk about 60 different subjects in the span of 15 minutes (exaggeration, but the point still stands). but it isn't always taken as rude. there is a subconscious level of understanding that we need to say it as soon as it comes, otherwise we will spend 3 hours trying to remember what that one thought was that we were going to say...

(this is reflected heavily in my writing, i think. i don't brainstorm and map and plan. i proofread when i have the spoons to do so, but most of the time i'm just raw-dogging my think-pieces as a true ADHDer should.)

within my neurotypical relationships, i noticed that this isn't so well-received. sure, maybe at first it's seen as cute or quirky and makes me seem outgoing and can even point to the fact that i was really listening to the conversation and i'm motivated to have that conversation - but after a while that novelty wears off and it almost inevitably becomes a hinderance.

if you're an ADHDer reading this post looking for verbiage to use to explain this phenomenon to your NT besties, or if you're a neurotypical with a loved one who has ADHD and you're here to try to support them, let's explain what happens in these instances.

pretend we are having a conversation. i'm the neurotypical, you are the neurodivergent. i bring up something that you're really interested in - let's say your current hyperfixation is painting and art in general. i say something like, "i went to the Louvre a few years ago. i saw the Mona Lisa. i thought it would be bigger!" then, to you as the ADHDer, are set off. you were just reading about this topic last night. you know so many facts about this painting. you know so many facts about DaVinci. in fact, you're wearing a t-shirt with the Vitruvian Man on it right now! so you tell me some facts. i listen and respond with, "wow, that's interesting, i never knew-" and you know that what you had just told me was not a well-known fact, so you interject "yeah, not many people know that. it's all good. hey, did you know...." and you continue with another topic, slightly related. this time it's a fact about Michelangelo. oh, i know a little something about that guy! "isn't he the one who painted the ceiling of... oh, what was the name-" "the Sistine Chapel!"

now, to you, this is just a subject that you are so in love with right now. you could talk about it all day. you love those dead guys. you just wanna share all that you know with me, as someone who only knows a normal, casual amount about those European artists. you may even have spoken a bit louder because you were just so excited to talk about something that you actually like! get those dopamine receptors working!

i just briefly mentioned the Mona Lisa in passing. i didn't know you were so into art! it's cool, but you definitely talked about it a lot. i could barely say what i was thinking, and much less at a normal pace. all the information that i learned at rapidfire, whew. i wish i could have mentioned something, but you were just going off there. so i just let you speak. i was a little annoyed, actually. did you wanna have an actual conversation or do you just like the sound of your own voice? jeez. it's just art.

end roleplay. spoiler alert: it's usually a regular thing. that was basically a long winded way of getting ND and NT folks to understand each other a little better.

now, some ADHDers prefer to keep our motormouths confined to our thoughts and just deal with the thousands of overlapping voices and images. so we aren't all loud and obvious. but many of us do love to talk and forget that there are unspoken rules that we have to wait our turn. we do get so excited to speak, especially because we oftentimes do have a file cabinet of thoughts on that subject just dying to be bursted open and flung out.

i find that doing a self-check in when talking to my non-ADHD friends is super helpful. after all, we can't always expect people to do the work for us. when we feel that slight pang of insecurity when people look uninterested or bored with the conversation, that's a good time to reel it in and ask "i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to talk over you/interrupt/go off like that/etc. did i make you feel unheard/unimportant/etc?" and that opens a safe space for reconciliation. now, if you ask this, you do have to be prepared for someone at some point responding with "yes, when you interrupted me, i felt like you didn't care what i was saying."

the first time i was told that, RSD took over a bit and i took that like a punch in the gut. but i managed to take a breath and i thought to myself all the times i felt unheard and if i was in their shoes, i'd be pissed too.

that's when you, as the ADHDer, actually stfu. i'm not kidding, literally bite your tongue or chew on something or whatever if it's hard for you. but you have to let the other person speak and wait for them to finish. i've learned that not every pause between sentences is the other party being done with their thought - speaking at 3 million words per minute isn't standard.

and NTs - don't be afraid to tell your ADHD friend "hey man, i understand that you're excited/passionate/want me to speak a little faster, but i would appreciate it if you didn't interrupt me as often." and if your ADHD friend has RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), you can follow that up with "i love you and i wanna hear what you have to say - just slow down a little for a sec, i wanna talk to you also!" or, yanno, something along those lines. i just find that providing scripts helps us sort through our messes of brains and thought patterns.

again: keep in mind this shit takes PRACTICE and PATIENCE. it won't happen and magically be fixed overnight. after all, ADHD cannot be cured overnight either. that's not how it works. however, we as ADHDers need to be proactive with making other people comfortable and aware (within reasonable means. don't be a doormat) while also holding ourselves accountable when we let our ADHD drive the bus.

neurotypicals, the same goes for you - be understanding, give your ADHD buddy a safe space, but you can be heard too. everyone is allowed to have healthy boundaries; they just look a little bit different depending on how your brain works.

anyway, if i write anymore, i'll get carpal tunnel. you guys get the point.

disclaimer for this post: my personal political views are mine only and do not represent my educational institution or my employer. if you have different views, or don't agree, i'm open to discussion if you want to talk about it. however, this blog is not about politics. this blog is about existing with ADHD. please engage in friendly debate only. thanks!

if you're an ADHDer in the world of leftism, you may have heard or been asked the question "would ADHD still exist under capitalism?". if you're like me, you probably were a little taken aback by this question. my initial thoughts were, "capitalism sucks, but this disorder that has seriously fucked with my life is not seriously being reduced to just an anti-capitalist 'gotcha'?"

i was pretty bothered by that question. i slept on it, thinking about it forever before i thought about what the question was really asking. first, we have to understand the leftist theories in what happens in late-stage capitalism as well as how ADHDers have always existed in this country (USA, for my international pals).

the general societal expectation is to go to school, get your license and buy a car, graduate high school, get a job maybe while you are still in high school, take out some thousands of dollars of loans to go to college, get a degree and start your career, get successful and maybe even rich. you can start a business if you want to, trade crypto and buy stock, get filthy rich, and die. we are expected to consume, consume, consume. there are 14 different brands for the same kind of canned chicken noodle soup, made in the same factories. all for our consumption, under the illusion that we have choices and that there is individual freedom in those choices. this is a super brief summary, but definitely look into more leftist/marxist theory if you are in interested. this is a good quick read.

now, how does this tie in with ADHD? under this same lens, ADHDers are diagnosed based on our disruption and inconvenience to society. we are all over the place. stereotypically, we don't sit still. we have trouble with authority. classrooms are either a constricting hell, or the one safe place we can simply be. we have an increased risk for addiction. we are more likely to be arrested than neurotypicals. we are at risk for developing comorbidities, such as anxiety and depression. we are more likely to drop out of schooling, and more likely to not pursue college. our divorce rates are higher than average. we are more at risk for getting into debilitating debt. less likely to get promoted at work, or keep a job for a stable amount of time. more likely to have our lives reduced to a statistic.

it's pretty fucking depressing, right?

all of that goes pretty hard against the expectations for capitalist society. but, i always had this theory that our society was not built for anyone who doesn't fit that specific standard. cisgendered, white, Christian, traditional, rich, attractive, non-disabled, no mental health issues, generally a convenience, whatever that specific standard is. having undiagnosed ADHD until i was 18, i experienced that in such a rough first-hand account.

if you don't want to read my personal story and get back to the topic, skip down to the dashed line. there's a lot that i wrote on my personal experience, i kind of word vomited. but if you wanna read that, it starts now!

typical burnt-out gifted kid. always had my nose in a book. was reading at a 12th-grade level in 4th grade. then something changed. maybe it was trauma, maybe i was just bored because i had done it all, who the hell knows! my grades went from straight-A's to D's and F's. i used to say that i would off myself from embarrassment if i ever failed a grade in the 6th grade. then i failed the 9th grade, my freshman year of highschool. then i really did try to. then i was depressed. then i did stuff for attention and couldn't stay interested in a hobby and got into all sorts of trouble. run ins with police, addiction, all that very fun stuff. then i got my ass handed to me by the cops and my parents and i tried to save the shredded ribbons of my high school career. i left public school and homeschooled. i made it to my junior year before i crashed again and dropped out. tried to get a job, because i couldn't be a bum and live at my parent's house without doing anything. got fired after 3 months.

then, i was forced to go to therapy. again. i was first in therapy in middle school after the first cracks were appearing - slipping grades, general lack of care for the future, and the self-harm and the eating issues jesus h christ. i won't go into detail for the sake of sticking to the topic and to prevent triggers, but you get the picture. i was a mess before my life even really begun. that therapist helped me to an extent. she helped me sort out my feelings and trauma. then i was "stable" until what i call the Crash and Burn Era of my life. definitely humbling.

anyway, this new therapist was pretty interesting when i told her everything i had been through. the ADHD conversation went something like this:

me: "im just not really sure what's wrong with me. i feel so different from everyone else. i take stuff too far. i know the right things to do, but yet i do the complete opposite."

therapist: "do you like coffee? or, energy drinks maybe?"

me: "yeah. i drink them all the time. they don't really give me energy, but they're good, so."

therapist: "have you ever taken Adderall? or Vyvanse? anything like that?"

me: (instantly thinking about all of the drugs i experimented with. yes, definitely did those several times. didn't understand the hype.) "um, i dunno..."

therapist: "i'm not gonna tell your parents or report you. you mentioned having issues with drugs, so i just wanna know if those ever crossed your path." (she has a serious face on when saying this).

me: "um, yeah. i've done both of those. uh..."

therapist: "how did that go for you?"

me: "i'm sorry, i don't think i understand?"

therapist: "it's a straightforward question. when you took stimulants, how did it make you feel?"

me: "well, uh... everyone said it makes you feel like, super euphoric and super focused." (worried at this point anything i said would be used against me in a court of law) "um, i had friends who took it and were able to pull all-nighters with homework and stuff, but, like, i was just kinda tired actually."

therapist: "have you ever heard of ADD or ADHD?"

me: "yeah of course... how do you think i got the Adderall? haha." (insert painfully awkward laugh here.)

therapist: (actually laughed at my joke attempt, making me feel less like im being interrogated) "i'm gonna schedule you an appointment with a psychiatrist. i can't believe you haven't been tested for ADD or ADHD yet."

....and thus, the can of worms was opened. i was diagnosed with combined type ADHD (both hyperactive and inattentive) two months later. i researched as much as possible: books, scholarly articles and studies, ted talks, blogs, anything i could get my hands on. and everything just fell into place so perfectly. it was like the time when i got eyeglasses for the first time and i put them on and saw so clearly. (i remember saying, "is this how everyone sees?")

then i was angry. my own perception of ADHD was misinformed, but research on it was severely underdeveloped, and media portrayal was just garbage. i just happened to get randomly lucky. the universe conspired to get me back on track and damn, was it a doozy. i was angry because after my weeks of research, it all became so obvious. but i wasn't a disruptive little boy who was always running around and breaking rules. my parents couldn't have thought it was so obvious. but i was angry at them anyway.

then i was angry at the world. angry because the typical public school system isn't designed for kids like me. angry because i was always treated so differently and always behaved so differently, but i was given the same solutions as everyone else and expected to just get on with life. i learned masking. i learned how to blend in. but it was never right, was it? otherwise it would have worked.

------------------------------------------

but then, what does ADHD look like if we took away all the structure and all the expectation of society? what is ADHD when i'm alone in my room? that is the answer to the question, i think.

and the answer i have come up with is: ADHD would still exist without capitalism. but, we wouldn't be punished for it. i remember my hyperfixation phase on greek mythology and inevitably, the percy jackson series. notably when they discussed ADHD early on in the first book. percy, the main character, has a best friend named grover (who is a satyr). when he finds out he is a demigod (mortal mother, his dad is posideon, pretty crazy), grover explains that his ADHD isn't a weakness.

"....And the ADHD - you're impulsive, can't sit still in the classroom. That's your battlefield reflexes. In a real fight, they'd keep you alive. As for the attention problems, that's because you see too much, Percy, not too little."

i gotta hand it to rick riordan: that man gave millions of ADHD kids solace in his series. god bless that man.

but, that's the essence of it. ADHDers are not a product of late-stage capitalism; we are a product of a brain that is wired differently. if our means of personal value was not based on how much we can produce, how much money we made, if we were not made to feel guilty for resting, if the modern-day boring classroom was no longer, if we were given rehabilitation for addiction, and prisons are indeed obsolete... those symptoms would not go away. a quick google search brings up these typical symptoms (disclaimer, not every ADHDer will have every single one of these symptoms):

being unable to sit still, especially in calm or quiet surroundings.

constantly fidgeting.

being unable to concentrate on tasks.

excessive physical movement.

excessive talking.

being unable to wait their turn.

acting without thinking.

interrupting conversations.

that would still exist. our motor mouths or goldfish syndrome wouldn't just magically dissipate. but it would mean our existence would be less burdensome. i can't really give you the full picture, because i don't know that utopia. but i can say, i believe there would be less comorbidity rates. there would no longer be a pressure to mindlessly consume and produce beyond our threshold and burn out. i believe we would be free of mindless consumerism and production, the handcuffs off. that would improve for everybody, ADHDer or not - but especially so for us. the unbearable weight that is capitalist expectation, the guilt and shame that many of us are familiar with, tossed to the side. we are not expected to have excessive material wealth to be considered worthy of respect. we are not to be obedient and blindly loyal dogs for corporations that are worth trillions and give us scraps to live off of, and we are slapped if we dare to ask for more.

hi friends!

allow me to re-introduce myself. my name is morgan. i'm 22, i'm married, and was diagnosed with combined type ADHD when i was 18 years old.

this page is mainly my writings about my personal experiences with having ADHD-C. i started it mainly to vent and get my feelings out, but i found a good number of people relate to it and it has helped some folks out. so i kept it going.

as some of you might already know, i went MIA for a bit due to some life stuff. nothing bad, just overwhelming. between finals and having a full-time job and other life crap including the holidays, i was not very motivated to write. i also took a little break from my meds so i definitely was not going to sit down and write unless i got that random wind of ADHD motivation that usually hits at 3 am after listening to music on full blast through my headphones.

anyway, i'm back. i hope to post at least once a week on here, whenever i get the free time. maybe i'll go a little crazy and post twice or three times a week, but let's not get too ahead of ourselves.

(i want to briefly apologize for my absence. i was pretty unmotivated to write, i got a full-time job, and i took a break from my meds for a bit. but, i'm back, and i have a lot to say. thanks for being awesome and patient with me, friends. i hope you guys are having a safe and healthy holiday season.)

there are many things i want to say to my family members during the holidays when the inevitable joke at my expense happens. for the past year, in particular, it has been about me never getting a license. i am 22 and i still only have a permit. the jokes were funny at first, but now they send me into a spiral of insecure thoughts. not a big deal on the outside, but after being berated and not even asked why it's taking so long (financial restrictions and debilitating anxiety, thank you very much), it starts to take a toll on you.

maybe you have receptive family members who you can say "hey, that wasn't really funny and i'd appreciate it if you didn't joke about that" and theyre like "hey man, im sorry about that, i should have been more mindful, i got you." but maybe most of your family is like mine and when you bring up that sometimes they say hurtful things, you're met with "you have always been so sensitive. it was just a joke, come on." or something along those lines.

now, take that and apply it to pretty much every little thing that you do. that is what living with ADHD is like. everything you do is inconvenient, or annoying, or misunderstood, and you are expected to mold yourself into the neurotypical's expectations of how you should be. but god forbid you ask for a little consideration.

with ADHD, many of us dread the holiday season. if it were up to me, i wouldn't have visited my family and just dealt with the "maybe i should have gone" guilt later. that sure beats physically having to leave the room and hide in the bathroom because everyone is loud and there are to many lights and everyone is far too touchy and the fancy clothes you were forced to wear have become a boa constrictor around your entire body and....

when we disappear from these overwhelming situations, i have also noticed it isn't met with great reception either. "you always have to be the center of attention, don't you? why do you need to make everything about you?" as if protecting your brain from an overload which would lead to a panic attack or a shouting match would have somehow been better.

again, misunderstood.

or maybe you are one of those ADHDers who love the holidays, either because your family isn't filled with self-interested people, or because you have already cut those people out of your life and you now have the freedom to make new memories and enjoy holidays the way you want to. how i envy you!

when i was younger, i loved the holidays because i was always so understimulated and seeing my cousins and spending hours playing games and running around was genuinely fun. now that i am an adult and my attention is now spread thin between maintaining my home, my mental and physical health, my marriage, my job, college, my social life, my bills, and still somehow find free time to relax... the holidays might as well be an inner ring of hell.

another stressor is finding the right gifts. some people make no sense to me and i have no clue what to get them, but a gift card feels so impersonal and lame, and then the other people who you know a perfect idea for but that particular item is also $900 and you make minimum wage.

not to mention, nobody ever seems to get your gifts right. they assume they know you and would want you to have something they want you to have - but it's just not you. fair enough, our hyperfixations can change like the weather, but ask us about it and we probably have something in mind.

or, the bittersweet feeling when you're gifted something in relation to a hyperfixation that you are no longer madly in love with and have since all but thrown it away. i weirdly feel guilty, and sad. but i remember how much i loved that thing, and how close it would have been to my heart, and how amazingly excited i would have been to have that gift at the peak of the fixation.

if you have a comorbidity with your ADHD, which most of us do (combined type adhder here with generalized anxiety disorder and cptsd, with a history of disordered eating, how fun), there's so much more to dread during the holidays. there's insecurity, triggers galore, you name it. but that's for another post, i suppose.

i know this idea has been regurgitated forever, but i really do wish that ADHD wasn't named after the symptoms that are burdensome to neurotypical people. "attention deficit", but i pay attention to everything at once. "hyperactive", but i just need to move around more or talk it out before i can feel content. that's just who i am, and the fact that it is an inconvenience really does just feel like pushing on a bruise.

being an adult with ADHD is a very strange and difficult thing. maybe most of your time interacting with others is spent educating them on why your ADHD doesn't show up in the same way that the popularized, medically outdated criteria says it should show up, because god forbid you're anything other than a young boy and you have ADHD. maybe talking and spending days out of the house is exhausting to you. maybe spending too much time at home makes you depressed. in any case - most of us have one thing in common and that's the headache that is navigating the healthcare system for treatment.

in my personal case - i'm a 21 year old woman and i was diagnosed with combined type adhd at 18 years old. of course this was after i had experienced the worst types of burn out and my parents were concerned and sent me to a therapist who literally said to me "how did you go this long without an ADD diagnosis?". after more consideration, it turned out to be ADHD, and thus began the long and excruciating process of seeking treatment.

i wanted to explore medication before starting college so that i could have a better chance. if im spending thousands of dollars, then i might as well give myself a fair shake so i don't regret it. the first psychiatrist i sought out to seek medication from continuously ignored my diagnosis papers that clearly stated ADHD-C, and kept telling me i just had ADD because i'm a woman. he asked if i was sure it wasn't just anxiety. he doubted i needed anything "strong" in terms of medication - whatever that means - and prescribed me a low dose of atomoxetine. i was open to it, and tried to take it. after two months, i noticed i felt extremely depressed and my moods were all over the place. i would cry for hours over the smallest inconvenience when that normally was something i wouldn't do. i began to feel slip-and-slide-al, if you catch my drift, something that i normally wasn't.

i then requested to switch psychiatrists and requested a different medication. this new psych was a saint. he took the time to go over my diagnosis papers and sat with me to tell me about different forms of medication and treatment outside of mediation. he was patient with me when i went on tangents and wanted to genuinely know about my life. i believe i was lucky to find a psych - much less a male psych - that was up-to-date on ADHD research and how my ADHD shows up for me.

but not everyone is so lucky. some folks fight tooth and nail for a diagnosis that they receive in middle age or later, and many will go undiagnosed without any kind of treatment. some will go misdiagnosed. the respect i have for healthcare workers in general is great and i never intend to offend those who genuinely have a good heart and want to help others - but there is a lot to be said with the issues within the healthcare industry and within the ways of teaching that need to be addressed.

what does your ADHD look like without trauma? would you be able to stim endlessly and freely? would you talk forever about your interests? could you let your brain roam, okay to put down something you don't wanna do and pick up what you do want?

when ADHDers grow up in a world that isn't suited and hardly even accommodated for them, we learn how to mask and fake it. we learn that the way our brains roll at 150 mph isn't acceptable, so we talk less. we learn that people are mean and that our hyperfixations are a bother or weird. in relationships, we've either been pushed aside or taken advantage of. it's a very bitter cycle.

so when we can find people we feel just as safe to unmask ourselves around just as we do when we're alone - it feels like a blessing. but it can leave feelings of anxiety and uncertainty, and suspicions. when you've been given a space big enough for a whisper since the moment you uttered a word but you're big, you're a public speech, a yell, a loud laughter in a busy room... it almost feels wrong to finally have the triumph space. like it's an illusion that will not last or that it's been set up by puppet masters. something feels off because it's simply not "normal".

whether that space you've been given is a friend or spouse who wants to know how your mind works, a video game that fits you perfectly, a classroom with your favorite subject... it all hurts nonetheless to think that these won't last. because if the world has never cared before, why would it now? is it true that there could really be a time for us, even a short time, where our ADHD is just a part of us and nothing more than that? is it possible that our ADHD isn't an inconvenience to everyone? but, how? what does that even begin to look like?

when we have accepted that our ADHD is a part of us, it can be liberating and freeing. it feels like we finally know why we aren't exactly the same as everyone else. we can see our brains fully and understand ourselves for the first time. we don't need the world to have our backs anymore, because we do.

October 6th, 2021

i have to preface this by saying how extremely privileged I am to have the support system I do: family, friends, my spouse, a psychiatrist, a therapist. adhd is tricky and not everyone who has it, has a support system or those they can extend appreciation to for help.

i first and foremost have to appreciate my husband, ross. he's always been very very patient and understanding with me. he asks how he can help, he wants to know how my mind works, he makes an effort to show up for me in ways that many people never have even bothered to. he has all of my appreciation and without him, i'd just be getting snacks and no actual meals for groceries and I would never find the things I lose.

i also have to extend my appreciation for my psychiatrist (who I actually found out isn't working for the institution I go to for healthcare anymore this morning. i was saddened by this news, but I am sure my new psychiatrist is great). he took the time to understand how my adhd effects me and worked very hard with me to find the right medication to use. dr carter is a g.

there are also many online friends that I've made who are also neurodivergent and who have given me help and tips to navigate adult life and adhd. you guys rock.

October 5th, 2021

[leave it to the ADHDer to forget about the blog for a sec. i'm behind on posts so i'll just write as many as i can to catch up.]

with adhd, its not uncommon at all to have hyperfixations on hobbies that can last weeks, months, years. i have a range of random hobbies that i am still very fond of, but i no longer partake in with the same passion that i used to. for the sake of the length of this post, i'll just list a couple that i was obsessed with for more than 6 months to a year or two.

1) art

i still sketch sometimes. but the amount of pencils and half empty sketchbooks left behind is shocking.

2) greek mythology

this subject still greatly interests me, but i don't just read books and watch documentaries/movies solely about greek deities anymore.

3) kpop

yeah... i was in pretty deep. spent far too much money. not in any fandoms anymore, and i just casually listen to a few solo artists now.

4) anime

honestly? still really into anime. but i watch it just as causally now. instead of binging a whole series in two days and then starting another one and repeating the process... i'll watch an episode or two every few days if that. i can go a few months without watching it.

5) science

theres been so many "genres" of science that i have gone nuts about. psychology, chemistry, biology, earth and space sciences, etc. science is cool. i just have a horrible memory so im not that good at it.

and finally, here's what i'm currently into:

stardew valley, frogs, the color green

October 4th, 2021

after i was diagnosed with adhd combined type, i got a lot of mixed reactions. my parents, i think, didn't want to talk about it. and to be honest, i didn't really wanna talk about it with them either. at first it was because i blamed them for all of the years i went undiagnosed and without proper treatment. but now, i don't blame them and that anger has subsided greatly; they're just a bit old school and talking to them about things like adhd, autism, and mental health in general isn't the easiest. they're supportive, but we don't speak about it much.

i told my friends, and some of them made it click. "yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense!". some of my friends were severely uneducated on adhd, but especially the way that it can manifest in women. having to explain that it's more than just not being able to sit still, not being able to focus, losing things, and being late (though that is a quite big chunk of it). it's also executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, sensory issues, having a hundred thoughts all at the same time, time blindness, hyperfocus, object permanence, masking, self-esteem, comorbidity...

October 3rd, 2021

** CONTENT WARNING: This post discusses heavy and potentially triggering topics such as mental illness, substance abuse, and suicide. Read at your own  risk. **

i believe my diagnosis journey is one that many people - namely, other women - with adhd can relate to. in my elementary school and early middle school years, i was incredibly dedicated to school. i loved to learn. i was in gifted (advanced learning) classes. i was mainly an A-B student, but straight A’s were not a rare occasion. at home, i would do my homework and read for hours. i wasn’t very organized and i didn’t take the best care of myself in terms of hygiene. my teachers would write notes on progress reports and report cards: “so smart! a pleasure to have in class! however, her desk is always messy. needs to participate in discussion more!” and my parents would brag about my academic success to anyone who would listen. if you have adhd or are familiar with the different ways it can present itself in early childhood, can probably pinpoint everything that was a ‘sign’.

then, in middle school, i suddenly began losing interest in school. my grades and attendance began to slip. i didn’t read books anymore. i began to buck up against authority and befriend people who weren’t considered good influences. my disorganization and messiness turned into a whole new beast. to most people, this was just a typical teenage angst fueled by puberty and hormones. i would get over it eventually. i tried as hard as i could to fit in, all of my attempts were useless. i was rarely accepted - and when i was, it still wasn’t for the real me. my teachers didn’t give me the time of day and my parents always asked “what happened to you? you used to be so bright.”

the next that came was comorbidity. anxiety, depression, self-harm, substance abuse, self-isolation and s*icidal thoughts. i was placed into therapy in 8th grade after telling my mother that i did not want to live anymore. to my therapist, i was just a depressed and anxious teenager. she wasn’t wrong, but she wasn’t exactly right. the first time i attempted to take my own life was the summer before i entered high school as a 9th grader.

in high school, i thought my depression melted away. i was still anxious, and i would have frequent panic attacks, but i was fine. i did drugs, i skipped school to go have fun somewhere else, i lied about anything and everything so nobody knew really how bad it was - i don’t think i even knew how bad it really was. i stopped seeing my therapist at the end of my 9th grade year. i was fine. but i still couldn’t bring myself to focus on the work in front of me at school, i couldn’t even pretend to. i couldn’t keep my bedroom clean. i was detained by police officers for trespassing and truancy but, at some stroke of luck, no official arrest was made. 

not long after, something clicked in my head and i knew i couldn’t live like this anymore. i still can’t pinpoint what exactly pushed me to try life again. i dropped out of high school my sophomore year and tried to do online high school in attempt to graduate. i ended up just getting my GED. i went to therapy again; this time, the therapist told me i was a lot like her other ADD/ADHD clients. this was the first time i ever heard anything like that. she recommended me to a psychologist who was shocked that i went this long - i’m now 18 years old at this point - without any kind of assessment or diagnosis that reflected ADD or ADHD.

after testing and ruling out other possible diagnoses, my psychologist gave me the official diagnosis of ADHD combined type. everything started to make sense - the times where i would try to do homework but couldn’t even get pass the first question, the times where i thought i was going to die because i was understimulated and bored, the executive dysfunction, the restlessness, the racing thoughts, and the more solid evidence that when taking adderall recreationally, that i felt the most clear-headed and calm in my entire life.

then i got angry. angry that, if i were a boy, i would have gotten a diagnosis a lot sooner and i could have had a better chance. i felt like my life was taken away from me. i was angry at my parents, at my teachers, at my old therapist, at my school counselor, at my friends... i sometimes still feel this way. it’s very hard to accept how different my life could have looked like had i just been listened to for a little longer. i was miserable.

now that i’m away from home; now that i’m in college, married, and slowly picking up the pieces from the teenager that i used to be that felt so betrayed, alone, failed; it’s a slow healing process. researching my diagnosis and staying in touch with my psychiatrist and finding help from other ADHDers is a weekly occurrence. i’m still so young, and i still have so much work to do - but i at least have the tools to get there. i’m sometimes still angry and my heart breaks for the me in the past. how i wish i could comfort her. it’s like mourning.

October 2nd, 2021

this question was one i had to sit with for a while. what first came to mind was that i love how unique my brain is, and how i am. no two people are exact carbon copies of each other, and adhd doesn’t show up the same in everyone either. but a creeping feeling was attached to the back of that thought.

being a woman with adhd, i grew up hearing mostly negative comments about my adhd. i’m just lazy and not trying hard enough, i don’t care about anything, i’m messy, i don’t fit in, i’m weird, i don’t make sense, i just want attention... the list doesn’t end. it’s disheartening to say that when asked about what makes having adhd so difficult and “bad”, thousands of things flood to my mind. but when asked what i love about it, what is “good” or wholesome about it, i have to really sit and think.

while i am unique, it’s not in a socially acceptable way most of the time. my adhd brain works a bit differently than a non-adhd brain. when a friend is opening up to me about their issues, i try to be supportive by sharing how i can relate. i learned eventually that to neurotypical people, that feels like i’m trying to one-up them, or that i don’t care about their problems and i just want to talk about myself. i actively try to avoid speaking about personal experience in conversations like these now. sometimes, people speak a little too slowly, and i know already what they are going to say, so i try to help move the conversation along by finishing their sentences for them. i realize this is pretty rude, as i also hate being interrupted, and i have gotten better about catching myself doing it. but, it’s like a reflex.

so i had to think of something else. the next thought was that i love how passionate i can be about certain things. then another rain cloud over the parade came with that as well.

i do have lots of love in my body, practically bursting out of me! but sometimes this isn’t well-received and something i can have a hard time regulating. i love many things; my husband, my mom’s dogs, frogs, space, natural disasters, greek mythology, psychology, art, music, clothing, the color green, science... but i can (for a lack of better words) overdo it. this is what is known as a hyperfixation or hyperfocus. it’s all you wanna do, all you wanna talk about, for hours at a time every day... a single topic for me can last years. in some ways, it can be debilitating. from ignoring all other responsibilities and missing deadlines, to overspending on merchandise of the topic and even creating credit card debt.

thus, i’m back to the drawing board. rinse, wash, repeat.

i then realized that these are things i genuinely do love about my mind, but i was conditioned to not love them in a society that was not built on understanding adhd women in the slightest. the initial thoughts were genuinely from me, and the heartbreaking thoughts that followed were what the world wanted me to believe. it took me all day to come to this conclusion: i can exist as a contradictory. i can be full of love and passion and that can also manifest in destructive and impulsive ways. i can care and feel deeply, and it can come across as selfish and naïve. 

that then brought me to my final conclusion: my worth as an adhd human does not come from the opinions of others. it’s okay to love and accept yourself as you are (as long as you are not hurting anybody).

October 1st, 2021

hello internet. my name is morgan. i’m a 21 year old female college student. i was diagnosed with adhd combined type (a mix of both of the impulsive/hyperactive type, and inattentive/distractible type). i also have an anxiety disorder. it was a long road to achieve a diagnosis. my hopes are that, with every day this month, those who do not really know much about adhd can learn and ask questions. adhd is very much stigmatized and misunderstood, especially for adults and especially for women.

October is ADHD Awareness Month. Every day this month, I will answer the corresponding question. If you have ADHD, feel free to join in!