Let's make some fucking mistakes.

He doesn't get much useful advice and soon the guys are arguing about how long you can pursue someone before it starts getting pathetic. Holmberg is at one end of the spectrum at two weeks ("We're rich professional athletes, man, we shouldn't have to try that hard.") and Wyatt Hayes is on the other at three months ("Maybe she likes you but just doesn't want the WAG lifestyle. You need to prove to her that you see her as a person with her own goals separate from yours.")

Then someone notices that Ilya, despite his wealth of experience, hasn't chimed in yet and asks, "What do you think, Cap?"

"Two years."

The entire room goes still.

"What?"

"Two years," Ilya repeats, completely unashamed. "Is not pathetic to go for what you want. Not if you think they're worth it."

In sync, every person in the room turns to look at Shane, who's pretending to fiddle with the laces on his skates, looking pink-faced and vaguely pleased.

Finally, Holmberg turns to the rookie. "Okay, I guess two years is fine if it's Shane Hollander. Is your girl Shane Hollander?"

The poor rookie has no response to that. His girl is, indeed, not literally Shane Hollander.

"Man, gay people move different," LaPointe mutters.

first of all they absolutely rate each others nudes, sometimes they send them not even with the intention to send the nudes so someone else, just for the hell of it, just to have the other saying hell yeah brother looking good, just to boost self esteem

second of all while the idea of them 10/10ing each picture is funny and appealing to me, i had a vision in which i saw the most meticulous earnest constructive criticism in order to help the other achieve absolute perfection

-(a dick pic, full light) move your hand down a bit, will make it seem bigger and maybe turn down the light a bit, give it an aura of mystery

-(navel to mid thigh, a giant hickey right where the pubes line starts) damn roz, who did this to you? (ilya says you should see the other guy. marley doesn’t catch on)

-(mirror selfie, full frontal) marley don’t you have a mirror outside of the bathroom? the toilet in the background is a bit of a buzzkill

-(hands down pants, dick fully erect) love the vibe but there is a giant hole in your boxers, maybe change those

Shane and Hayden: *They get super concerned and get outside fast af because Ilya was showing off his Porsche to the kids, they immediately head out to see what happened*

Ilya: *Is stuck inside this thing*

The Winged Nazgul in this old Finnish edition of Return Of The King is just-

Shane Enabler Hollander: ok so Ilyusha this player has had zero assists in the entire season, he got drafted last, and finally - and this is crucial - he once scored a goal in his own team's net

Heated Rivalry 1.05 After (leftovers)

The tarantula that bit JRR Tolkien as a child.

He swore he didn’t have a spider phobia and the experience had nothing to do with the man-eating giant spiders in The Hobbit, the even more giant and even more man-eating spider in Lord of the Rings, or the unholy eldritch spider from outside creation that plunged the world into darkness and made literal Satan scream like a little kid in the Silmarillion. Very few people believe him.