Let's make some fucking mistakes.

The Ilya we see in Heated rivalry would not be throwing the first punch, he's not an enforcer. Ilya is a star center and a Pest. He wouldn't be doing his job correctly if he was punching players every other game, it would end up with not enough ice time to let him be the playmaker he's paid to be.

But being a pest can be playmaking! Find a player to bait, emotionally push them just enough that they try to fight you, and then get the fuck out of there before the ref gives you both penalties. This gets your team the power play. There is probably someone on Ilya's line dedicated to helping him get out of the fights he starts, and finishing them for him!

I also think this is also something that Shane would respect. Ilya is good at it and it's a good strategy for his team. I don't think Shane would see it as some dirty tactic, because Shane probably thinks everyone with a brain can see it for what it is! He probably thinks everyone should be able to see that being an asshole is a tactic for Ilya, that it's something to ignore and not fall for, that it's a strategy and not personal beef.

But he doesn't know who Bad Bunny is, and Bad Bunny doesn't know who Shane is... So they're both just making small talk with this hot guy they met at the bar while they wait for their drinks. They're enjoying talking to someone who doesn't know their celebrity status. And Shane is getting a little flustered despite being married, because damn if this guy isn't his type, and Bad Bunny is lowkey flirting with him.

And then Ilya shows up and has a heart attack. Alternating between fanboying over Bad Bunny and wanting to fight him. Just standing there frozen with this bonkers expression on his face.

We boycottinggggg 🫡

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."

1. Jokes about being mistaken for relatives, anyone who has ever been in an interracial relationships knows what I’m talking about. Some white Centaurs player is complaining about his white girlfriend being mistaken for his sister, and Ilya’s annoying ass cuts in like “omg this happens to Shane and I alllll the time sooo annoying”, the sarcastic jokes that they get mistaken for siblings/twins/cousins never stop

2. Communism jokes whenever Ilya wants to share something that Shane has, “Shane it’s OUR personal space, this is how it is in Russia 🙄” then whenever Ilya complains about Shane’s boring car, Shane hits him with the “oh I thought it was OUR car huh🤨”

3. The STRONG mutual agreement that cold water is bad for indigestion and highly preferring room temp drinking water, and yes, this does get them some side eyes from teammates when they always refuse ice in their water. On the flip side, they both drink their tea scorching hot, and anything less than boiling is not hot enough.

4. They may avoid The Question since they’re both famous, but I feel like it’s likely that Ilya still sometimes gets the heavily disguised “oh and where is your husband from…no no I mean where is he ‘originally’ from” and every time he gives a straight faced “Ottawa😐”

5. I know in the show we see Shane and Ilya wearing shoes in the house a few times and I’m here to say this is FAKE NEWS. Both of our boys are strict no outdoor shoes in the house, and they only wear house slippers when at home.

6. Whenever they are drunk or just delirious with sleep in the late hours, one or both of them starts a sentence in a different language without even realizing. Just to clarify, multilingual people do not “forget to switch” but the wires can get crossed when the brain is impaired. Shane hears Ilya getting up at 3am for water and tries to ask where he’s going, but it comes out in French and Ilya’s standing there in the dark like “…I don’t know what that means Shane”

7. An unanticipated struggle of hiding their relationship in their early days was just their different hair types. Hayden is hanging out at Shane’s place and sees strands of blonde curly hair on the couch and spots curly hair products in the bathroom…suspicious. They’re constantly finding each other’s hair in their beds, their clothes, their OWN hair, Shane one time finds a strand of Ilya’s hair in his meal prep and gives him the cold shoulder for the rest of the day.

8. Obligatory jokes about throwing in a “oh what because I’m Asian?” in an arbitrary conversation. Ilya and Shane are obviously immune to these from each other over time but it never fails to turn their teammates into fumbling messes. A Boston teammate asks Ilya if he knows about a niche American political topic (he doesn’t) but Ilya just responds with “oh you assume I do not know bc I am immigrant, this is so xenophobic of you” and he watches with glee as this guy backpedals harder than ever before in his life