take Ilya's dick out of your mouth before you talk

shane: hey :) play better next time best buddy :)

i also LOVED that fic so much.. do u think vivienne Knows about them.. like surely there's one family member going i know what you are shane hollander and ilya rozanov

i think vivienne has suspicions that there's a crush in there somewhere, but i don't think she KNOWS.

^ elle probably figured out which mutual luca was as soon as she was in the car on the way home (ive seen the user luca-rozanov thrown around which is so unsubtle and so funny) but luca doesn't figure out elle is hane-shollander until years after they met

GOD shane who knows his little cousin likes heckling grown ass men and has since she could barely fucking see over the wall who just assumes she's doing the same to luca, so he takes luca aside and is just, "listen, you can't let her get to you, okay? she's just having fun. she does the same to me all the time."

and now luca is internally having a crisis because he thinks this is shane saying he is somewhere on tumblr, too, and now he is about to have a panic attack thinking about if Shane Fucking Hollander has seen his in-depth hollanov analysis posts in person.

elle (who is. a demon) one day after a game is making introductions to a friend she brought along and goes, "and this is luca rozanov, no, oops, i mean haas. :) my mistake. :) right, luca? :)"

and luca is just

maybe harris finds out that shane's beloved cousin is in town and is like. hey shane do you think your cousin would like to come to practice and help me with media (maybe he heard from troy about shane's menace of a younger cousin and thinks that she would be a fantastic person to bring to the media team)

shane's like yeah why not? i'll see if she's free

and oh boy is elle free, she's so excited. she's coming up with new questions that these hockey boys had never heard of before. like why do you look sometimes like a trout when you're warming up? or how many times do you think you can skate around the rink at full speed before you throw up?

it's ahead of family night, so she gets to do interviews as kind of a bit of involving family at every step of the way, and she's not on camera (both because minor (they do get a sign off from her mom) and also she's just not interested in that. she'd rather be an anonymous plight to hockey players everywhere), but for ANYONE paying attention it is VERY clear that she is very slowly chasing luca around the rink as luca looks increasingly sweaty. she is coming for him, and they BOTH know it. luca straight up contemplates just puking on the ice so he can CALL IT and LEAVE.

no one who watches the video knows elle's name because the only time she's addressed is by ilya, who calls her Small Hollander (which is affectionately changed to Smallander by fans). the video also gets traffic because it's among the most relaxed interviews shane's ever given. he's still On because he's in his uniform and aware this is going online, but he's smiling slightly because it's his little cousin "interviewing" him, which means it's mostly just chirping back and forth. "what's your ideal breakfast, shane?" "a protein smoothie" *loud buzzer noise* "boring answer. try again." "that IS the answer." "well make up a better one. we're trying to make a television program here." "this isn't for television. this is going on instagram, i think." "okay well just for that, you're getting the villain edit in this one. it's going to make rupaul's editing look tame." "i don't even know who that is." "GOD you're so bad at being gay." "i'm telling your mom you said that." "okay and then i'll tell ilya you said you wouldn't love him if he was a worm?? en garde, dude."

luca, who doesn't know how she knows about his fanart but knows she Knows: n-no, not really.

elle, who is in a pink puffy coat and has a bow in her hair and is a good foot shorter than him and yet is scarier than any hockey player he's ever faced on the ice: oh? 🙂 i would have thought there's plenty of inspiration. i mean you're on the same team as the world's most famous players. they even have their own couple name, don't they? 🙂 what was it again? hollanov or something? am i saying that right? 🙂

luca, about to die of heart attack at 19:

her name is miko.

yuna's dad bought her for her mom after they moved to canada because she got lonely at home after they first arrived because they were so far from family, and it is an extremely husband move to be like, "sad? i know what will fix this. giant loud bird. PERFECT."

yuna's mom did indeed love miko, and yuna bonded with miko after her mom's death because it felt like she had someone to grieve with who missed her like she did (i the writer just teared up thinking about that oh my god). when yuna moved out, miko went with her because miko got along with yuna's dad but in the spirit of "we share a house, so i'll tolerate you" lmao. yuna knew that david was the one for her when she brought him back to her place for the first time and he immediately greeted miko like a person.

shane experiences sibling-like tension with miko lmao.

in a lot of ways, miko is like his older sister (sits with them at family meals, HAS come on vacation with them before, has to be greeted in the morning or his mom gets mad at him and also miko yells) except she is FUCKING LOUD. she tragically knows his name because yuna taught it to her after bringing shane home and introducing them (how could you condemn him like this, mom? she knows like twenty words and one of them HAD to be his name??? what the FUCK??), so the SECOND miko sees him or hears him or just thinks he's in the general vicinity, you are hearing "SHANE! SHANE! SHANE!" loud enough that the fucking NEIGHBORS know when there has been a Shane Spotting.

(also VERY salty from being told that miko's japanese is better than his. how is he losing to a BIRD.) (what do you MEAN her pronounciation is better.) (she has a BEAK.) (blue and gold macaws aren't even the clearest talkers when it comes to parrots, what do you MEAN miko is beating him?) (she only knows a few words and she's WINNING??) (just because she calls you yuna-chan doesn't mean she should get to WIN, mom.)

does miko understand hockey? doubtful. does she understand when yuna is mad and decide it's Time To Screm? YEP. not helped by yuna and david both egging her on with, "you tell 'em, miko!" (poor bb autistic shane with this LOUD ASS BIRD intruding on his sacred hockey time).

shane also denies it but he nurses a grudge to this fucking day about the time he was 15 and got miko out because she wouldn't stop Shane Screeching until he did but then stopped watching her for like. FIVE minutes getting ready to leave for a game.

ONLY TO COME OUT. TO THIS FUCKING BIRD. HAVING SYSTEMATICALLY UNWRAPPED ALL THE TAPE FROM AROUND HIS HOCKEY STICK.

SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

HE KNOWS IT.

SHE DID IT TO FUCK WITH HIM.

(not helping this is that miko has yuna's mom's laugh, which is nice because it means yuna still gets to hear it, but having to leave like RIGHT NOW only to have this bird fuck you over and then laugh in your face??? it is the closest shane has ever come to throwing hands with miko.)

he is just FURTHER pissed when miko takes a liking to ilya. he had to grow up with this annoying bird and now she's trying to STEAL HIS BOYFRIEND??? ridiculous.

they're birdsitting for david and yuna when they're on a cruise one summer, and miko rarely leaves ilya's shoulder the whole time. while ilya is shirtless!! he can SEE her claws digging in? but miko gets cuddles and to offer her opinions on what ilya is doing but shane can't snuggle against his shoulder on the couch because miko will start preening his hair, which is Annoying? ridiculous.

he wakes up one morning to find them showering together.

*miko, immediately playing word association* "UP MIKO! STEP UP MIKO! STEP UP MIKO! UP! STEP UP MIKO!"

"NO"

*now mad she's been baited and switched for what appeared to be an offer of out of cage time* "STEP UP MIKO!"

"NO. FUCK OFF."

"SHANE. SHANE. SHANE. SHANE. SHANE. SHA-"

an hour later yuna and david get home to a visibly furious shane sulking on the couch and throwing miko's ball for her so she can chase it because he lost a battle of wills to a bird.

and ooooh? shane hollander has a SECRET sister??? he has NEVER mentioned a sister before! he has, in fact, previously said he is an only child! scandal! intrigue! juicy details! hot goss-

and shane has to make a fucking instagram post going, "here she is. my sister who is not my sister. she is my mom's bird."

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And Ilya is his, they both show up to practice absolutely covered in bite marks 😌. I also like the idea of Ilya getting Shane "oral fixation" Hollander to stop biting his nails / fucking up his water bottle by replacing them with his fingers. They'll be in intermission and Ilya's chatting with like, Bood or something and he just takes off his gloves and shoves them in there. Shane starts sucking them on reflex. The Centaurs are used to it by now but it gets caught on a fan's video one time and goes viral.

THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO GET ON MY VERY NICHE SOAP BOX

The apple does indeed not fall far from the tree in this case, meaning that (like Shane and Ilya) i don't think Yuna and David have an established dynamic, per se. They most definitely ARE getting kinky with it, but they just think of it as a quirk of their relationship dynamic specifically, rather than something that exists within a broader kink community.(in other words, like hollanov, they suffer from We Are So Special No One Else Would Understand Syndrome)

In fact, I think they consider themselves pretty vanilla. David sees wife guy memes online, and he's just like Ha ha yep that's me! Without really thinking any further on it. Just like he never thought much about why he felt weirdly pleased whenever his college hockey teammates would call him "pussy whipped". Or why, when he'd cancel on friends to go out with Yuna and they'd jeer that "Wow, she has you on a short leash", he'd just shrug and preen.

I think Yuna is a bit more peripherally aware that her and her husband's ahem,,, intimate preferences,,, aren't the 'norm'. She had some very unsatisfactory hookups in college before meeting David, but this was during the era where people were still making jokes about men's masculinity if a woman was ever on top in bed, so I think she mostly kept her complaints to herself. But then she met David who seemed extremely content to let her lead (preferred it, even!!) and having that freedom to finally find herself sexually combined with a man who was secure in himself enough to encourage her to do so was like kryptonite.

In short: while Yuna and David at bare minimum know their preferences enough to understand that they both get off on Yuna "bossing David around" in bed, they are blithely unaware of how their dynamic extends OUTSIDE of a sexual context - if anyone were to call them out on it, I think they'd just feel incredulous: "Of course I'm at my wife's beck and call and can anticipate her every need, often even before she herself even vocalises them - she's my wife?? As her husband, I'm supposed to provide for her??"