A compilation of inherently BOY things I think Ilya does during his first time at the cottage that fundamentally ruin his cool-guy image for Shane in the most endearing way possible:
- Ilya’s first sunburn, which is Very Bad. His are all cheeks all flushed and he’s walking funny and hissing through his teeth as he pushes on the reddened skin as it turns yellow. He yelps any time Shane tries to touch it, which is all the time because it’s funny and also because he likes touching Ilya.
- Shane catches a little sunfish off the end of the dock and puts it in a bucket full of water and Ilya sits in a Slavic squat in front of that bucket for hours on the dock watching the fish swim around. He’s sticking his hand in there to try and touch it and making embarrassing noises and jerking his hand away when he does manage to brush a finger along the scales. Until Shane tells him it needs to be released at some point and then Ilya is insisting on being the one to do it.
- Utterly failing at water skiing, with Shane trying to give tips while David drives the boat. Full on face of water, sputtering eating-shit so many times but insisting on going again, because Shane can do it so Ilya will do it too.
- Not tying up his shorts tight enough the first time David takes them tubing (despite his calm demeanour, once David has a tube behind his boat he drives like a maniac) and Ilya almost loses his shorts, white booty out. Shane can’t help but smack his ass and cackle as Ilya tries desperately to hold onto the tube handle with one hand and his shorts (that are around his knees) with the other while they continue to fly across the water.
- Ilya trying to dive off the dock in a life jacket because Shane told him it was impossible and now of course he has to try.
- Ilya in a life jacket in general.
- Ilya with a mosquito bite. Itching itching itching while Shane slaps at his hands and tells him to stop. It’s gets all red and raised bump, and Ilya’s kind of self conscious but he still can’t stop scratching and cursing mosquitos as he does. But then Shane’s pressing a careful thumbnail into an X over the bite and Ilya’s fascinated by another way he can be close to Shane.
- Ilya on the dock, on his stomach watching a spider eat a bug in its web for an undetermined amount of time. He’s narrating for Shane with a slightly disgusted but fascinated tinge to his voice who is suntanning beside him, sunglasses on.
- Ilya in the marsh trying to catch a frog after David explains how Shane used to do it all the time. He’s finally got one, calling Shane’s name with so much excitement and a frog cupped between his hands. Of course it’s the largest fugliest frog in the marsh so then they’re both crouched down, staring into Ilya cupped palms arguing about whether or not the frog is cute (Ilya says it is, Shane says it’s ugly)
- Ilya with a leech from the marsh stuck onto his ankle. He’s actually Losing His Shit about this one. freaky, disgusting, Canadian blood sucker. Why the fuck would they even have these things in the lake. Shane has to pull it off. Obviously he lets Ilya chase him around the property throwing his ankle towards Shane screaming “get it off, Shane! Get it off!” before he has Ilya sit on a sun chair and performs leech surgery on his ankle while Ilya whimpers (non-sexily).
Sincerely, someone who grew up with a Canadian family cottage.
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