take Ilya's dick out of your mouth before you talk

shane: hey :) play better next time best buddy :)

Drunk Shane when Ilya is ALSO drunk is the BEST. His boyfriend is sooooo funny and soooo fast and strong and smart and brave and they're going on an adventure!!! Ilya doesn't know where but his legs are wrapped around Shane's waist and Shane's arms are wrapped around his legs and the back of Shane's neck smells so good and they're GOING!!!! They're going and going and going because Shane can run forever he's the best hockey player in the whole world and he's Ilya's BOYFRIEND and they're gonna live forever and the stars are out and his mama is watching them and Ilya doesn't even know he's smiling until his cheeks start hurting from it.

4.4k, E, Shane/Ilya, magical pussy acquisition, crack treated seriously

"I— What?" "It's my pussy, Hollander," Rozanov says, drawing out Shane's name. He leans back onto the pillows, keeps his legs open shamelessly. Shane can't tear his eyes away. Because it is a pussy. Sitting pink between Rozanov's legs like it's been there the whole time. Like he's never had anything else. ——— Shane wants Ilya to fuck him. There's only one problem: it's Ilya's birthday.

READ ON AO3

fic gifted to @to-theverge :))

And then internally whenever someone actually flirts with Shane even in a jokey way he immediately turns into this wretched creature:

What, you got tired of looking like shit?