fluffy

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These past 6 weeks have been quite tiring to me, and I have so many reasons to be so very tired of things right now. I’m doing what I can to enjoy the things I’m able to do, but, oh god do things suck right now, for so many people that I know. Induced gender dysphoria I am so tired of getting misgendered, constantly. I’m finally starting voice training with an actual, accredited vocal coach who specializes in gender-affirming stuff, at least. Hopefully that’ll help. The last one I saw was a big waste of time and money, and she was just making stuff up as she went along and not even doing much to help me anyway. But this one is an actual doctor at an actual clinic who takes my insurance and so on, and a friend of mine had very good results with her as well. Hopefully that’ll take the edge off of some stuff. Like how the fucking federal government has a mandate to misgender me. I had to renew my passport (as it’s my only valid travel document, since my Washington driver’s license hasn’t been upgraded with RealID, because I had a valid passport so they were like “nah you don’t need to do this”). When I last renewed it in 2016 it was with the thought that this would be my last chance to update the gender marker for a while, and getting it taken care of before Trump took office made it urgent. I never would have suspected that the change would be reverted, but, here we go. Also, social security denied my disability claim, and a big part of the ruling was based on me having undergone hormone replacement therapy. So of course I made that a part of the reason for my appeal. So today I just got a denial for the appeal, saying that they do not agree that the HRT aspect shows discrimination, and they see no other evidence of procedural problems with the denial, even though my lawyer wrote a pretty comprehensive thing about all of the procedural issues. But it’s not just the government. People in my social circles don’t respect my gender anymore. Even in VRChat, where I have a femmy avatar and a permanent “they/she” pronoun thing, people have started thinking I’m a dude. Even though so many people I know insist they had no idea I wasn’t a cis woman! It’s so baffling. Even people who have known me for a while have started introducing my performance sets with a he/him misgendering. What, entirely, the fuck?! And I’ve been hiring a cleaning and organization consultant (something that should have been covered by disability, if I were able to fucking get it) and while she’s been suepr helpful, she also keeps misgendering me, and at this point I’m just too fucking tired to try correcting anyone. Music stuff I’m hoping that in July I can spend more time in the studio and actually working on music. I’ve been performing a lot and that wears me out. I have so many pieces of music I want to actually get recorded. I want to finish at least one of the three albums I’ve been actively working on. I’m just feeling too fucking tired to do it though. I’m also tired because of the endless shit with Spotify and Bandcamp and all the other things, and how now there’s endless purity tests where people are starting to hate the musicians who are trying to sell stuff where it sells, instead of the platforms that make things bad for those very same musicians. And I’ve been trying to work more on Canimus, and I am so very tired by how people keep trying to undermine it by diverting the conversation over to the very same protocols that weren’t a good match for what it’s trying to do to begin with. And now now that there are things putting it into production there are a bunch of things I’d love to be different about it. But hopefully now that it’s starting to gain traction there can be a more principled discussion about doing it better, and there aren’t so many people using it yet that it’s an intractable problem, at least. I’m also so tired with the constant expectation that I’m constantly producing and performing and interacting and being super nice and friendly through all of it. And that I’m not doing enough (“you should market yourself more!” “you should do collaborations!” “you should do more videos!” and on and on), when I’m already doing more than I can. Art stuff I really want to work on my pottery again too. But that’s been hard for me to overcome the gravity well on. I also ended up needing to do some last-minute art for CoCA’s annual member show, which I didn’t realize I was even being selected for. And then getting the artwork delivered to the gallery was annoying, because I’m still not driving (nor do I expect that to change anytime soon), and, of course, this is the sort of thing that disability services would be able to help me with, if I were to qualify for it, but apparently I cannot. Apparently the show opened today. I’m too tired to care right now. Peoples' reactions to disability and gender shit I am so tired of people telling me that things just aren’t right (yeah no shit), or that I should work with a disability lawyer (I fucking have been), or that I should flee the country (as if other countries would want to take a disabled, unemployable trans person). Also, for all of the problems with the United States, I like my home, I like my town, I just wish there were better transit access and alternate paths to getting support that didn’t rely on the fucking federal government. And meanwhile, I get people telling me that it’s trans peoples' fault for caring so much about their pronouns that it’s turned the world against us. No, fuck that. Fuck anyone who says that shit. And I’m too tired to explain why. If you still don’t get it, do your own fucking research, because I’m also tired of sealions. I’m tired of being tired Chronic conditions fucking suck and I want to get better but I don’t see any path for that to even happen. I still refuse to let entropy win but sometimes I wish it would anyway. comments #disability #social security #art #music #Canimus #bandcamp #everything #fatigue #cleaning (via busybee)