Cello Face

of course there's the aphobia of that statement, but also. So what if I choose to identify with another label at some point? Doesn't diminish what i feel now.. Our lives are inherently ephemeral, it's not like something has to last forever and ever to be significant

I want to talk about certainty.

Anybody who's been out as asexual for a minute and a half has heard the "well what if you're wrong?" and "what if it's a phase?" narrative. Coupled with "you shouldn't ID that way if you're not SURE."

…How does one become "sure"?

Quite simply, like EVERY OTHER SEXUALITY, you DON'T.

Asexuality, like any sexuality, is an expression of your attraction experiences based on the past and present. It does not make claims about the future except to the extent that anyone else's does. Which, you'll find, IS PRETTY ACCURATE.

Identifying as asexual isn't a celibacy vow (lol, especially since some asexual people have sex and sexual orientations aren't behaviors, but I digress). Identifying as asexual isn't a statement that we know, for sure, how we will feel forevermore.

It's just the same estimation everyone else makes.

When people expect us to be sure somehow before we ever apply the word to ourselves, they limit that very exploration. How are we to know if this is true for us if we can't try it on? Explore our relationship with the world through that lens? Experiment, according to our inclinations, within reason?

I once had a dude on the Former Bird App go off on me because I said some ace people date and find out while dating that they don't feel sexual attraction. This dude SCREAMED that we better FIGURE OUR SHIT OUT before we HURT PEOPLE like that.

'Scuse me, sir, but how do we do that in isolation?

And considering that everybody else is allowed to date and split up if they're not right for each other, why would we be some special case where we have to hide in shame, "figuring our shit out" somehow, before we ever try to learn about ourselves in relationships? Sorry, but we all do that.

I also once had someone send me a shaming e-mail claiming I'm corrupting children and confusing the youth by advocating for asexuality awareness. That teens who haven't developed yet latch onto asexuality because they're scared or inexperienced and it somehow ruins them for life.

OK then!

Apparently just having that information out there is so captivating that it will lure unsuspecting young people into our fold and we will never release them! Mwahah! Evil plan complete! What do we get now? It's like they think we're Underpants Gnomes and they're sure there's a [Profit] somewhere.

This chap said my Responsibility as an activist is to carefully prioritize straight and cis people and make sure they don't "erroneously" identify as ace before they've explored all options. Asexuality = last resort, as we all know. (Notice how this contradicts the "figure your shit out" guy.)

Y'all, none of this is how sexuality works. Asexuality awareness is important because it is ONE of many things a person can be. And, as a lifelong asexual person who did NOT have this presented as an option when I was growing up, I can say my life would have been easier if I'd known I had company.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not capture and hold people who initially identify as asexual and refuse to let them change their terminology in the fear that it will make us look bad. I know it can be hard and feel like you're betraying former ideals, but freedom to evolve is important.

In asexual communities, we SUPPORT it if someone realizes they need a different term or a modified version of the term they've been using. We SUPPORT someone IDing as demisexual after initially IDing as only asexual, for instance. It means they've learned something about themselves. That's good!

But it's also important to make sure we do not see asexuality as an embryonic orientation. It is ALSO sometimes people's full and complete answer. It is not a sign that the person has not examined themselves fully or is living a regressive, sheltered life. Asexuality is ALSO some people's answer.

You do NOT have to be "sure" to use the label!

If what you feel changes, you CAN change how you describe yourself to fit what best communicates your experience and preferences! This isn't failure!

And no one--except unreasonable people holding you to different standards--will be mad at you!

Coming across the rich culture, diverse community, and wealth of information about asexuality has been a turning point in many ace people's lives. Realizing they aren't alone and they too can have fruitful discussions about a formerly alienating aspect of their lives. Make friends. Learn. Be heard.

This is all available to you even if you're not sure. This is not damaging to everyone else if they might mistakenly identify as ace for a while before realizing it doesn't fit. I will continue to make materials and welcome people and educate on the topic. This is vital to health and happiness.

And if you think this is not relevant to you because you are not asexual or think you don't know any asexual people, guess again! People who are not on this spectrum still benefit from knowing about us and understanding an important aspect of human sexuality.

As the author of the first mainstream-published nonfiction book on asexuality from an ace perspective, I have been thrilled to see the wealth of educational materials and ace-inclusive fiction boiling up after me. We need more, always--more updated and nuanced works than what I wrote 10+ years ago.

It's much better now than it was, but every time an ace-related thread gets popular, we hear "well is anyone hurting you?" and "what rights do you not have?" and "sounds like you want attention." This tells me those people have never listened to an ace person. Because those questions have answers.

I urge you to listen to an ace person. Find the answer to one of your questions. Read a blog or a book or a pamphlet. Check out a thread. Read our poetry. Watch our videos. Learn about our experience instead of insisting that it is nothing.

Some autistic people don't and that shouldn't make them less worthy of life. Some autistic people do need constant help and support and that shouldn't make them less worthy of life.

Once again we're falling in the right wing trap of :

They make a hateful, fascist statement

Instead of focusing on the fact that it is hateful and fascist we try to show them that they are factually wrong

We throw our own allies and the most vulnerable of us under the bus in the process

We legitimise an only slightly less hateful, fascist view as we go

They have completed their goal of making us accept the still hateful, fascist second version, hurrah. What a victory.

Right now what we're getting to with that is that autistic people who can work and pay taxes are okay, and the others aren't. Fuck this shit.

What RFK is saying: "Autistic people can't work, so it's our duty as a society to erase autism" -> This is eugenics

Harmful response: "Many autistic people do work!" -> Validates the belief that that someone being unable to work is shameful and makes them a lesser person, and implies that autistic people should not need support

Allow yourself to start ridiculously small. 

This is likely not brand-new advice to you. There are a lot of „depression hacks“ to be found on tumblr that are based on this core idea: If you don’t have the energy to get up and shower, keep wet wipes on your nightstand. If you don’t have the energy to assemble a sandwich, eat the ingredients separately. If you don’t have the energy to brush your teeth, swish some mouthwash. If you don’t have the energy to wash dishes, use paper plates. 

But you don’t need to have severe depression (or any health issue at all) to be allowed to start small. It can be a great strategy for any positive change you want to introduce to your life. 

That applies to all those general „improving your health and wellbeing“ things: if you want to eat more vegetables but hate the hassle of preparing them, buy them pre-sliced or frozen or canned. If you want to exercise more but feel out of breath after two minutes, just exercise for two minutes. If you want to read whole books again, start by reading a few sentences. 

But it also applies to things like exploring your identity or experimenting with your gender presentation. You don’t need to have all the answers before you start trying things: If you want to wear makeup but don’t feel ready yet, you can try lip balm. If you may want short hair, you can just try out a little bit shorter for now. If it feels too early or too difficult or too vulnerable to ask your friends to help you try out a name or set of pronouns yet, you can try them out by using them for a character in a game you play or a story you write. 

Sure, for some people diving headfirst into new experiences really works best - and if that’s you, good for you! No need to fix a running system. But I dare say the vast majority of people will just stress (or even burn) themselves out if they try to rearrange their whole life in one day. 

Let’s get back to exercise as an example here. You may feel like exercising for two minutes is ridiculous, like it’s hardly worth it to even start working out if you are gonna stop in two minutes anyway - after all, you probably don’t have the inner picture of becoming someone who exercises for two minutes. You want to be someone who exercises. Period. You may worry that, if you allow yourself to start small, you’ll get stuck on that level. 

But if your starting point is pretty much „zero minutes of exercise a week“, the first step will be to build up the routine at all - not to crunch impressive numbers. 

Otherwise, you may pick out a great 30 minute workout video that matches up with your inner vision of becoming a fitness enthusiast… and then, because you’re not used to exercising at all, you will almost certainly fail at actually following it for the full 30 minutes, and then you may feel so demotivated and embarrassed by your „bad experience with exercise“ that you give up on exercising altogether. And end up with zero minutes of exercise again. 

If you set a goal you can actually achieve, you give yourself the chance to have a good experience with exercise. You give yourself the opportunity to actually see yourself accomplish that goal and stick to that new routine. You allow yourself to actually build up a exercise habit. The habit can always become longer or more intense, but it needs to exist in the first place. 

The same is true for exploring your identity. You don’t need to start by coming out to everyone or changing your legal documents or wearing a dress, high heels and makeup. It’s okay to find your own „two minutes of exercise“. 

Small steps aren’t fake steps. They’re important and brave - and sometimes they’re exactly what you need to get started on your journey to happiness. 

With all my love,