hopping on the trans Parker trend
Female Spider!

oozey mess
TMBGareOK. The Official They Might Be Giants tumblr

Jimmy Eat World
noise dept.
Interview Vampire Daily
Show & Tell

gracie abrams

ellievsbear
RMH
Sade Olutola

blake kathryn
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Fieri Frames
𓃗
Today's Document
hello vonnie
Not today Justin
One Nice Bug Per Day
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@cakeking779
hopping on the trans Parker trend
Female Spider!

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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locked in vs geeked
I love asking friends, without context, "what are you really into this week?" I'll go first. this week I'm really into mouthwash and sudoku. Last week I was into peaches.
we used to be a society on here!! reblog, don't like! I want to hear what you're into!!! I'm literally looking into the nyt game Pips!!!
compiling my favourite responses
#voiceacting
may have found the funniest possible thing ever in this essay on medieval sex laws im reading hold on
From Law, Sex, and Christian Society in Medieval Europe by James A. Brundage
This is how tiktok users decide if you deserve to die or not
Wait wait wait
You weren't allowed to be naked???
every time I always want to write a program to do the flowchart for you (if you don't know, a lot of early programming is taught as flowcharts (or at least used to be), so there's a natural flowchart->computer program connection already in my mind)
like it could ask you the yes/no questions, then you enter the date and it calculates if it's one of these dates when it's sin. and it'd be a fun research thing, you know? to go look up what exactly the rules are around those dates. it could be like an apple II program, since it's very simple.
plus you could hook it in with the penances for those sins! so it can also be used for reference. if you accidentally fucked your wife on a feast day, how bad as sin is that? do you gotta only eat bread and water for three years, stay off the ale for 6, and leave the country?¹ or do you just gotta stay on bread & water for a 100 days²?
but then sometimes you gotta realize that you're seriously considering writing BASIC software for Early Middle Ages catholic priests? based on a type of document that went out of favor IN THE TWELFTH CENTURY AD?
yeah I am. I just really like programming and religious miscellanea. this is awesome.
Penitential of Finnian (pdf link), what you gotta do if you kill your friend not out of hatred but because the devil made you do it.
Penitential of Cummean (link), what you gotta do if you puked somewhere and a dog ate it. Some other fun bits of Cummean: If a cleric fathers a child, they should do one year bread and water. Unless the child is a boy, then it's 7 years, get out the country, and no fucking! CHASTITY FOR SEVEN YEARS, CHURCHMAN! Speaking of clerics and not fucking: if a cleric "makes love to a woman [..] in his mind", that's 7 days penance on the bread and water. But if the reason it was only in your mind was because you asked her, and she said no? FORTY DAYS PENANCE, LOSER!
wait. if I'm reading Cummean right, you get less penance for masturbating with a friend than on your own. if "boys of twenty years" masturbate together, it's 20/40 days penance. but if a man masturbates alone, it's 100 days. Huh. I wouldn't guess that hanging out together was the way to make your masturbation less sinful.
Those are first offenses, of course. there's like, a scale you go up if you repeat it.
Also, everyone's favorite "used to be huge, now fallen out of the zeitgeist" type of sex makes an appearance: Intercrural sex! (aka thighjobs). Here called "femoral masturbation", a wild term I've not seen before today.
They're mentioned so they can be not as bad as sodomy. a thighjob with your bro is 100 days, then a year each time you do it again.
While sodomy starts at a year, goes up to two, then three, and then "if it becomes a habit" (and sodomy so easily can become a habit), seven years! and "a method of penance shall be added according to the judgment of this priest". Zero idea what that'd be.
they have a rule about what punishment there should be for if someone gives someone else a liquor "in which a mouse or a weasel is found dead". which seems a very specific situation to write down the rules for, but I don't know what it was like in 7th century Ireland. maybe this was a serious problem.
I think you have to do a penance if you have (either a sex dream or a nocturnal emission, I'm not 100% sure), but only if it's "willingly". I'm not really sure what they mean by that but it's another wild idea.
(the penance is singing, obviously)
(well, singing AND bread and water, but BREAD AND WATER! is the standard penance around here)
I was looking at Paenitentiale Umbrense in Latin and tossed it into google translate and got this:
"Likewise, he who commits this manly crime shall repent for four years"
I DON'T THINK ARCHBISHOP THEODORE OF CANTERBURY CIRCA 700 AD CALLED SODOMY A "MANLY CRIME", GOOGLE TRANSLATE!
I scrolled past "in femoribus" too fast and thought it said "in femboys". Gonna start telling people that's what femoribus means in latin; femboy. yeah, if you fucked a femboy in 7th century ireland, the penance was a year of bread and water.
BTW I just LOVE how they said "in femoribus". This is a translation from 1938! They're too shy to explain what "in femoribus" means, because that was a thing back in british/US academia in the day: you didn't translate anything relating to homosexuality, so that only Educated Men could read about it. We can't have just anyone knowing about thighjobs, you see.
"Of a wife who is a harlot, thus the same man explained"
I chimed in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
first millenium germany had some wild problems
I made the program:
💬 0 🔁 3 ❤️ 9 · from that thread about when you're allowed to have sex with your wife as an Early Middle Ages Catholic, I have written an A
I tried to confirm some translation and the Vatican has some original manuscripts but they're a little hard to read
the other version is in Beneventan script? I very can't read that.
"He who is guilty of sodomy in its various forms shall do penance for four, three, or two years according to the nature of the offense."
they wouldn't translate the "three types of sodomy", but I can!
respectively they are:
Anal (four years)
Thighjob (three years)
Handjob/Masturbation (two years)
BTW bestiality ("He who sins with a dog or with an animal") is two years.
So apparently dogfucking is worse than a handjob but better than a thighjob or anal.
(this is from The Synod of the Grove of Victory. Cummean says oral is 4 years, so the same as anal)
BTW I'm not randomly being up bestiality for homophobic reasons, that's literally the verse above Sodomy. The verse above that is momfucking (three years AND you gotta go on a perpetual pilgrimage)
for reference, if a married man sees a naked woman, it's five days penance. unless he's in a bath with his wife and other women, and they all see each other, it's three days.
if an unmarried man sees a naked woman, it's only two days.
if an unmarried
man sees a naked woman,
it’s only two days.
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
Things I like about this decal on a restaurant window: -the insane orange waiter -that he’s carrying his plates in the air like a strongman -the couple looks like this isn’t the first time he’s done this, but it’s easier to just let it happen at this point. -the sign says PASTA as if he’s screaming it like a frankenstein -but he’s holding a plate of an entire chicken and a plate of wine glasses -there’s three wine glasses -one’s for him.

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I am in awe just imagining the number of takes this required
I am in awe just
imagining the number
of takes this required
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
*September 1st on Tumblr*
You can only reblog this once a year
I want one of those scenes in a dude bro film where “tomboy” chick has to wear a dress to go undercover or whatever, but instead of the guys drooling as she walks down the stairs, they’re like “k. U need to stop. Go put the cargo pants back on. You look super uncomfortable and awkward in that. Brutus, you go be the fake prostitute.”
I’m just imagining this super ripped guy called Brutus being like ‘YESSS!!! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE THE FAKE PROSTITUTE!! Now is my time to shine!!’
so I got inspired… and had to make a comic….
*wipes away a single tear* Yes.
Miss Congeniality, but with The Rock instead of Sandra Bullock
He looks so ready. XD
“My time has come.”
Plot twist she’s his bodyguard
I specifically went back through my reblogs to find these
My dashboard has been blessed by this post again
ok!
yeah okay ill reblog that
I will never not reblog Brutus my beloved
Brutus
A series of events:
1. I put in an Annual Leave request form almost 3 weeks ago and my boss has not approved it yet
2. I went into my office today and replaced every single writing utensil with crayons in preparation for April Fools Day on Monday
3. Whilst searching for pens to remove, I found my unsigned Annual Leave form in my boss’s drawer
4. I placed my unsigned Annual Leave form in a photo frame and put it on his desk
5. The frame I used was from a photo of his kids that I deemed less important than my Leave form
6. My boss sometimes goes into the office on Saturdays to work
7.
World Heritage Post
reblog if ur mom is smart and beautiful
This is one of my favorite sites on here because everyone who reblogged it truly believes it because their moms won’t actually see it

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IT’S HALLOWEEN TIME TO GET SPOOKY
I T S T H E M I D D L E O F J U N E
I T I S H A L L O W E E N T I M E T O G E T S P O O K Y
ok who the fuck got this on my dash it’s still june
get spooky
how does this appear every june
T I M E T O G E T S P O O K Y
it’s june
T I M E T O G E T S P O O K I N G Y’ A L L
LEE IT’S JUNE
GAY HALLOWEEN TIME
y’all know what fuckin month it is 😎
GAY HALLOWEEN
Here’s a clue, Spooky is an Autumn flavour, ITS THE MIDDLE OF JUNE
Here’s a clue, Spooky
is an Autumn flavour, ITS
THE MIDDLE OF JUNE
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
GAY HALLOWEEEENN
Dame Archer kicks McDougal’s Scots ass there in the rain at the Washington Midsummer Renaissance Faire - August 11, 2018 - Photo by Douglas Herring
Oh NO.
me, a sheltered noblewoman: Pray who is that brave knight? Dame Archer:*turns around* me: gasp! *instantly in love*
Alicia Archer
my bi heart………
I’VE NEVER SEEN THE ADDED PICS
*dies*
Oh shit.
GAY KNIGHTS
Fellas I’m real gay
@0hheytherebigbadwolf HELP!!
Every June this inevitably winds up back on my dash. And I appreciate that. And I will reblog it. Every time.
She’s so slay.
You’re an ancient Greek man coming home from 4 months of war to find your wife 3 months pregnant. Now you’ve embarked on a solemn quest: to punch Zeus in the face.
Soon after you begin your quest, you encounter another man in a similar situation. You decide to join forces, as two mortal men stand a better chance at punching Zeus than one. Two villages over, you encounter a woman who had relations with Zeus and was left with a highly aggressive half-boar half-man offspring. She too feels your anger and offers to join your quest. By the time you reach Mount Olympus, you’ve amassed a large and formidable army of cuckolded/ravished mortals, demigods with daddy issues, mythical creatures with scores to settle, and a seamstress who you’re pretty sure is Hera in disguise. Zeus never stood a chance.
What I find best about this scenario is that the original wife probably expected to be murdered for her infidelity at worst or have her relationship with her husband ruined as he grew to resent her baby, at best.
Instead this man looked at his beloved and said, “who did it?”
And she replied “Zeus,” accepting he probably wouldn’t believe her.
And then he sighed, strapped his sandals back on and said, “I’ll be back before the baby is born.”
“Where are you-?”
“The lord of the sky came into my house, molested my wife in my bed and ate my food. I am going to settle the score.”
“Darling, he’ll kill you.”
“He may try, if he would like.”
You’re so right, that IS the best part.
I’m personally caught up on the seamstress.
“The pathway up Olympus is guarded by dozens of traps and perils strong enough to thwart even the Titans. How are we going to get past all of…” the shepherd boy with golden eagle feathers gestured uselessly at the slopes above them, particularly the herd of eight-legged goats snorting fire.
“There’s a way around,” Yiorgos said, though he was not specifically asked. But he had been the first to begin the march on Olympus, and so felt obligated to take the lead whenever possible, “In the stories there’‘s always a way around whatever obstacles the Gods place in our way.”
He hadn’t meant the words to come out as a question, but they had that lilt to them none-the-less. And even though he hadn’t meant it to be a question, much less a question directed at anyone specific, it was directed at one all the same. Just as the eagle-feathered shepherd boy’s had.
“Way I heard it,” a woman’s voice said. Rough with the Mycenaean Greek equivalent of a backwoods accent, and with the depth of a farmer’s wife who straps cattle to her back to carry to market, “there’s a back path. Hidden behind an invisible door that only one key in the world can open.” Everyone’s eyes had turned to the broad older woman in heavy shawl sitting amidst supplies in the foremost cart. “Least, that’s what my grand-mammy always told me.” she added after a moment of dozens of eyes on her.
“Oh, we were so foolish!” That was Lydia, a lithe waif of a woman, many months pregnant, sitting opposite the seamstress in the wagon. “Of course there’d be a.. a quest. They’d keep such a key in the depths of Tartarus or in the golden chariot of Apollo, or, or-”
“Or”, the older woman cut her off in a voice both firm, but much gentler than she used on anyone else, “he’s like all husbands and has been promising to move the key someplace better for the past three thousand years but hasn’t gotten around to it.” She gestured vaguely to the hillside, “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was under, say, that bush right over there.”
It was. Of course. And everyone in the caravan agreed that it had been a very lucky and wise guess from the nameless woman and for the upteenth time since she first sat herself down in the front wagon and announced she was coming along with no further explanation, each and every last member very purposefully gave no further thought to the matter.
It is painful to keep secrets, especially important ones. Dates and times, hours and minutes, names and places can raise nations or fell kings, if they are the right ones. Those that want those secrets will inflict every cruelty to pry them out of otherwise discreet lips.
Far, far away, Prometheus smiled through yet another liver removal. The bird went upon its way and the wound began to knit.
He kept his secret. The burden of the bigger picture demanded it. Zeus was kinder than Kronos, who was kinder than the primal chaos that came before. The pattern would hold, so long as the titan’s tongue was likewise held.
In the early days, when Zeus would come to interrogate him each day between the bird’s feasts, Prometheus had allowed himself one small slip. Had the Lord of Olympus been less enraged he might have recognized the prophecy when the Firebringer spoke it under the veil of defiant spite.
When Prometheus laughed through gritted teeth and stared the King of the Gods right in the eye, and prophesied.
You wish to know, oh mighty King of Olympus, merciful and just?
Fuck around and find out.
You wish to know, oh
mighty King of Olympus,
merciful and just?
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
peak
Pick up trash in someone’s garden
go deliver mail
Survive.
paint the floor
complete tests
since someone already did portal
play some cards with the hobo in the woods until you play on your DS and then you play cards with his Roomba with an attitude
do you also get told to stop gawking by any chance
complete tests 2: fuckass edition
Complete tests: profit edition
Roll dice and type numbers
choices! buckets! british!
farm all day
Poke at things until something works
break stuff and make stuff
Clean until you become a god
Deliver a necklace and shut some gates
Disassemble machinery
be stuck in purrgatory
Wander around a bit and squish some bugs
a retelling of dante’s inferno
cult.
my first post yippee
uhhhhhhh
one piece

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I want more beetlejuice accounts to follow so,,,,
Reblog this if you actively post about the beetlejuice musical please
Beetleb*bes dni or I’ll kick you
The brainrot is over a year old & holding strong.
I need to go back to posting but school has me unmotivated 🏃💨💨💨
You will be surprised how many of us you'll find mwhahahaha
I dont Post but i love it.
LISTEN UP AGAIN KIDS STOP REBLOGGING THIS FUCKING GARBAGE POST. IT IS 100% FUCKING BULLSHIT AND CAN AND MOST DEFINITELY WILL LITERALLY KILL. DO YOU NOT SEE WARNING LABELS THAT SAY “DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING”? THEY AREN’T FUCKING AROUND. YOU CAN FUCKING BURN THEIR ESOPHAGUS BY CAUSING VOMITING, CAUSE CHOKING, DROWNING, OR MAKE IT WORSE! AGAIN DO NOT FORCE ANYTHING DOWN ANYONE’S THROAT. THEY. CAN. DROWN. IF SOMEONE IS LOSING CONCIOUSNESS ALL THE CHIT CHAT IN THE WORLD WILL NOT PREVENT IT AT THAT POINT THEY ARE IN SERIOUS DANGER. “Buuut i don’t wanna take them to the hospital!!!” WELL SUNSHINE GLAD YOU’D RATHER HAVE A DEAD FRIEND THAN A LIVING ONE BUT YOU’RE IN LUCK CALL FUCKING POISON CONTROL. THEY ARE NOT THE COPS. THEY WILL HELP YOU. AND IF THEY SAY GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL YOU GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL. NO EXCUSES. 0. NONE. I have seen this shit cross my dash SO MANY TIMES so PLEASE fucking reblog this and prevent some well meaning idiot from accidentally killing someone they love!
For the love of god PLEASE REBLOG THIS
I see this stupid fucking post one a goddamn week and someone is going to literally fucking die from it
@oneshoeshort
IF YOU WONT LISTEN TO OP, LISTEN TO THE RETIRED PARAMEDIC WHO HAS SEEN PEOPLE DIE FROM THIS SHIT.
Poison control may advise diluting the toxin somehow like with water or milk, otherwise do not give them something to drink and take the empty pill bottle/ blister pack with you to the hospital.
btw just searched it up, US poison control number is 1 800 222 1222
REBLOG
F U C K I N G
R E B L O G
T H I S
W H E N E V E R
Y O U S E E T H I S
O N Y O U R D A S H
UM
R E B L O G
I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE
R E B L O G
i felt like this was important idk
PLEASE REBLOG!
In Canada, 1-844-764-7669 will connect you with a national poison control center
I found a list of poison center contact numbers around the world
Region1 Country Name of centre Address 1 Address 2 Address 3 Address 4 City Postal code Administrative telephone Fax Emergency telephone Ema
DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH
REBLOGGING OF SHAME THIS SO EVERYONE SEES THIS
hello, i am the top secret replier! well done for finding me - you may never see me again!
REBLOG OF SHAME since the replies are turned off D:
reblogging for someone who needs it.