2am thoughts

oh man can’t believe another year has passed. Honestly, it doesn’t even feel like new years. It felt like new years back when I graduated from grad school. But anyways, 2022 was overall pretty alright. 

Probably relatively less of an emotional rollercoaster compared to previous years. But also, I feel like my brain has become a lot simpler because dealing with work and school took up all of my brain cells and now that I don’t have grad school, that space has been left emptied. In 2022, I tried to be a more grateful person rather than focusing on the negative things too much. That’s something I want to carry with me into 2023. 

My limited brain cell energy recap of 2022:

- I don’t even remember what Jan/Feb looked like - I really feel like so many memories from grad school just didn’t stick in my brain. Like I remember undergrad so much clearer than my grad school year. Oh, I remember hating being the only girl in my one in-person class in grad school. But I appreciated Andre’s enthusiasm about data/tech. And I appreciated Chris letting me use his parking spot. Such a life saver. 

- I took on embroidery, thanks to Tiff <3

- I took up pilates, thanks to Karen <3

- I started reading more - Free Food for Millionaires, In Order to Live, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Crying in Hmart, Ugly Love, Anxious People

- Celebrated 1 year with Matt

- Matt surprised me in Michigan and we went to Mackinac Island 

- Graduated!! 

- Seattle trip with Matt was super fun

- moved to NYC

- regretted my tiny room with no air flow

- wuliwooleexu trip in philly <3 so nice seeing all the gals

- boston trip with Matt and Jez was fun

- church hopping was interesting/kinda rough but I’m coming to terms with Remnant Westside

- Miami trip was super fun besides being on my period for most of it - wow i actually got to travel a lot this year - v thankful.

- oof being in NJ for the Holidays was whack. Loved seeing family and chillin at home w Luna but found out I had a batshit crazy neighbor and was reminded why I disliked Monty people sm - people always had something negative to say about everything and everyone. Kinda thought about going back to therapy but the fact that I’m still going through the insurance nightmare with the first time I went.. kinda a turn-off

Goals for 2023

- read at least one book a month (2 would be ideal)

- go to the company gym more bc at-home workouts aren’t cutting it

- be more consistent with devos

- make monthly vlogs

- explore more of the city, esp Brooklyn

Hopes for 2023

- God, pls let there be an apt available that is reasonably priced that has laundry in the building, near a subway, at least a 3rd floor walkup, no pests, and a room that I can fit at least a full size bed in

- Also, God, pls help me find decent mentors and a data team with nice people and people who like their jobs

- Attend a reasonably priced art class or hip hop class

- Friends that I vibe with more

- Grow in my relationship w Matt

Ways that the Lord provided

- amazing roommates

- my awesome manager

- I’m still very quick to get angry but definitely a lot better compared to when Matt and I first started dating

- as traumatized as I am by the nyc apt search process, still super thankful for a roof over my head in a safe neighborhood

- Nana <3 ugh she’s the sweetest

- More patience when spending time with my parents

- getting me through grad school

- although I don’t feel a super strong connection with any of the girls in my small group, I’m thankful for Xinxin being my small group leader and providing some semblance of Michigan, which helped with transitioning, and for Khai Wen and Joyce that I’ve gotten to know a bit

The hardships

- I think part of me still feels burnt out. Like Nana’s been wanting to be challenged more at work and then killin it with interviewing and trying to push herself to work at harder companies and I’m like blehhh l o l I mean it’s ok to chill for a bit.. for the first time ever in my life.. but I’m like ugh f what if I chill too long that my brain rots and I can’t make it to another role. I mean realistically I prob won’t start looking until summer. 

- Feeling a bit of a lack of purpose. Part of it is the not serving like I did in undergrad. Part of it is not contributing to a cause I care about. Part of it is just overthinking and catastrophizing life. 

...

idk overall 2022 was alright. highlights of my year were the people. so thankful for my roommies, tiff and karen. thankful for chris and grace, the only other hmcc people i really talked to. thankful for wuliwooleexudang. thankful for my nyc roommates. thankful for carolyn and alex for one of the funnest weekends i had in nyc. thankful for daniel. 

omg this past week was crazy

classes/grad school - I got into this Natural Language Processing class that is at the same time as life group, but I was like oh I can just do it asynchronously. but wow this professor is confusing during his lectures. and he never mentions code or do any live demos but for the homeworks, we need to code everything from scratch and i can’t use any of the packages that I’m used to. such a pain the booty. im debating dropping it. it’s just hard catching up because i’m already a couple weeks late and the timing is just rough/always feeling behind, there’s not enough office hours, poorly structured class. anyways, that also made me rethink grad school as a whole. normally people go back to grad school because they know clearly what they want to get out of it so they take classes geared toward their interests but i’m just kinda here because this program was really convenient to get into and get out of the way and my parents were reallyyyy pushing it.. more on this later. i spent the entire weekend just staring at my assignment and listening to every indian man on youtube explain these concepts to me but im still so lost. i think i place a lot of worth on being able to “succeed” and always meet the goals and standards that others (parents) place on me and that I place on myself. but i need to remember that if i drop a class, it doesn’t mean i wasn’t smart enough for it or that im just generally incompetent lmao. 

relationships - this guy from harvest told me he liked me. and i was shOCKED. we’ve been friends for a couple years but i never saw this coming. i wish i liked him like he’s an amazing guy. even my roommate was like smh he deserves better HAHA but i just feel so platonic about it. i’ve given it a week.. i’ll probably message him soon to tell him no. 

parents - this week has revealed to me a lot of the hurts that i feel from my relationship with my parents. i know they want the best for me and i don’t wanna invalidate because i know it fully and feel it fully. BUT just because the things they do/say are always presented in the light that they want the best for me doesn’t mean that it isn’t sometimes kinda toxic or at least leads me to have toxic thoughts. im planning on taking freedom class to work through some of these things. but yea ive been trying to work on a better relationship with my parents so i thought i’d be more open about what’s going on in my life so i told them about the guy and they were SO adamant about me saying yes without even asking me about my thoughts first. and i was like bruh i’m gonna be the one dating him. not u. so pls chill. i think the things that they were saying just made me feel like they don’t see my worth and it’s like wow if you don’t say yes, no guy is ever gonna like u again and ur just gonna be single forever. i know that’s not true but yea still hurt by how they handled the news. also the way they handled when i told them about the class that im having a hard time in.. like i just wanna be happy and have a chill semester. and it feels like they have this mentality or imparted this mentality that if im not internally dying and stressed all the time that im not doing enough. and the past 7.5 years, i’ve just dealt with it because being a type 3 enneagram, meeting their expectations gave me a sense of accomplishment/success. but i wanna figure out what i want in life not just follow what they want for me. it’s such a common pattern and im so fed up. yea honestly the past couple days were pretty sad just thinking about these things. 

that was the one thing i wanted more than anything else for an entire year. and now that i finally got it, i feel so annoyed. but taking a step back, ima reflect bc i havent done that in a hot sec. 

i reconnected with a friend from the church I kinda went to in high school and she was telling me about how she felt like she wasn’t getting spiritually fed by her small group leaders/other people in her church.

and then i got to thinking.. how do i get “fed”?

i remember freshman and sophomore year being amazed by profound things that people around me were saying. i havent heard anything that was necessarily profound in a while but i feel encouraged or i guess “fed” when people around me share about the praise God moments in their life or how God is speaking to them or how God has been using them to serve in church or be a loving friend to people outside of church. i also feel “fed” seeing the fruit from investing in life group. but i guess i wanna ask myself how has God been speaking to you?

it’s been so different this semester. i dont think i’ve really learned any major lessons or necessarily learned a whole lot about myself (although one thing i’ve recently been questioning is if my cynicism and sarcasm is a bit much bc i think part of it comes from it being so hard to believe that God wants good things for us and that includes myself. it’s easier to hide behind cynicism and low expectations than to deal with disappointment.)

ok where was i

gonna be a whiny baby for a hot sec.

it’s hard to let new people in. i know i can’t keep living like this where i’m not receiving. but i’m also really picky about receiving. ok not that i’m picky but i just naturally respond better to certain people like how am i gonna receive from someone who i don’t click with like even though i appreciate the effort, it’s still gonna leave me empty/unsatisfied. 

so is it a problem with me that i don’t click w so many people at this church. i don’t like hearing certain responses to my struggles. i get sick of hearing the same way that people share. it’s so so so hard to care for new people too because before receiving, i have to get to know them.. omg i don’t even care to get to know them. 

but i also know that i can’t really go on like this. it’s so hard to love when ur not receiving love. 

ok i get it like i gotta adapt and adjust to this new.. i won’t say season.. let’s say this new circumstance but i didn’t let myself feel sad when people first left so i get to feel sad now ok. 

I get annoyed when I’m feeling fine and then I walk into a church gathering and I’m told to reflect on all my sins and ways that I fall short. Even if I started off feeling fine, I walk out starting to question if there’s something I should be repenting for and then when I can’t find anything, I’m like uhh is that wrong..

it’s like creating problems that weren’t there before..

and i feel like i’m just hearing the same stuff over and over again.

A song that I remember lying in bed my sophomore year listening to and crying to on the Wednesday of the first week school after a difficult conversation. A song that I would come to despise for the rest of the year for the memories that were associated with it.

Today this song has a new meaning. Still associated with mourning. But in the sense that it would remind me to live in remembrance but not in the pain. 

is when people roll my eyes at my mom and don’t want to help her because of her heavy Chinese accent but then when I ask, they’re more patient and willing to help.

I hate to admit it but when I was younger, I was ashamed of my parents’ accents. As I grew older, I feel like I want to protect them. To step up and speak for them when people aren’t showing the same respect as they would to someone who spoke English better. 

It sometimes pisses me off so much that I seriously can’t help the rude “yea f you” edge that comes out in my voice. 

~~~

1. Rediscovered old Mayday Parade, Marianas Trench, and Lana Del Rey and I absolutely love

2. If I could play a character in a movie, I’d wanna be Lorraine Broughton in Atomic Blonde

3. Stuck somewhere between wanting to be loved but not wanting to receive bc I feel like I owe them something/always have to meet their expectations of me

4. The one thing that triggers me more than anything else is feeling like someone else is trying to make decisions for me

5. I feel like I should stop complaining about Harvest bc I'm scared of influencing other people to start thinking negatively about Harvest too

6. It takes a lot for me to respect people.. (I also thought it’s really stuck-up and prideful of me but tbh I think it’s just my personal definition of respect is different from the standard respect you’d give to, for example, a professor) but I’m superrr sad that the two people I respect the most are leaving 

7. Being away from Harvest and being alone a lot this summer has made me kinda revert back to how I was in high school.. for lack of a less dramatic way to put it, I feel like somewhere alone the way, I shut off my emotions and life is very much easier that way. Haven’t cried since I left aa. Doesn’t mean I’m necessarily happy.

8. Happiness is overrated. 

9. Passion is overrated. The saying “do what you’re passionate about” is bs to me. If I was doing what I was passionate about, I’d be staying home all day playing with puppies and kittens and painting. 

10. I’m such an old soul. Being around actual adults all summer makes me feel like I aged 10 years. Not exaggerating. But this actually makes it so hard to stand people (especially underclassmen) bc sometimes I’m just thinking.. wtf are u doing especially when it comes to when people feel the need to show off what they’re doing on social media. There’s a difference between posting something vs showing off. 

11. For so many things, I keep asking “but what if there’s something better out there” and it’s hard to not feel like I’m settling even when I’m super grateful with what I’m given

12. I’m horrible with change. 

13. I had a heart to heart convo with my mom and she told me “yes, you deserve to be loved” - my heart had never felt so full. 

14. So much politics in the workplace damn. Again, passion is overrated. I’ll get jaded no matter what. 

15. I’m such an introvert. Yea, I’ll talk when I need to, but I need time to not talk to anyone to recharge.

1. DC is so hot and humid. i actually miss michigan winters. ok not michigan but winter for sure. 

2. “on a scale of 1-10 how much do u miss aa?” “ahaha yes”

3. I’m so thankful for my dad’s car. In maryland, we live in a neighborhood with lots of minorities and i see some people walk 4 miles in the heat for groceries while im in the car driving back from Trader Joe’s listening to music from my damn airpods and eating cookie butter ice cream. im so spoiled.

4. work is so hard. “managing big data” is often one of those common phrases people bs on their resumes but seriously keeping track of a million spreadsheets for multiple projects at once is hard. and remembering your steps for manipulating the data with various sets of R code and then retracing when ur supervisor asks u what u did and then when some things don’t match up when you’re overlaying clinical trial data with your raw counts omg like WHAT WHY R U LIKE THIS. i literally sat at my desk today for 10 mins watching the code run while my laptop is overheating and im sweating and praying to God for the tenth time like pls mAkE tHis WOrk!1!1!!1

5. making friends here is hard. definitely confused when i see other people hanging out with all their intern friends on insta stories bc the youngest person in my office other than me is at least 30 years old. great people and seriously super thankful to be here but man it’s so lonely

6. mom jeans are amazing but i have yet to find a pair that fits perfectlyyyy but maybe im just too picky

7. i have gone to the mall every single weekend so far since i’ve gotten here bc there’s nothing to do. i’ve bought four sets of earrings but i actually dont know how to take out the current ones that are in my ears.

8. i really miss having nyc just a train ride away. nyc > dc. 

9. super dramatic but i feel like i dont have a home anymore. like i have houses but we’re selling the one in nj and lots of nj friends are leaving jersey and then i have a house in maryland but idk anyone here and i know there’s a deadline to my time in michigan so..

10. maryland drivers are absolutely awful. maryland traffic is horrendous. my dad and i were one car away from a car accident on the way to work and now i have ptsd whenever i wanna switch lanes. 

11. i miss having a community. it’s definitely not healthy letting thoughts brew in my head bc it all just spirals down a black hole and turns to shit. i miss having people to talk things out with. and texting just isnt the same. my thumbs are so lazy.

there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t think about leaving harvest. the line gets blurred between what do i want vs what is obedient to God bc i don’t even know what i want.. and i dont know what God wants. 

i resent myself for it. but i also resent how much harvest hurts. 

i resent the past. i resent that i cant even bring myself to pray about the things that hurt bc i dont want to think about it. i resent the voice that tells me that im being too dramatic. and the voice that says no one understands. 

i dont like talking about it bc im sick of the harvest answers. im sick of “go pray about it” “go to God” “what would God want” “what’s most honoring to God” “God understands” 

how can i expect someone to understand and to have a response that i want to hear when i refuse to dig into why i feel this way and i dont even know what i need to hear

5.24.19

part 11/12 and 12/12 of a tweet basically advising to not date in your early 20s.

this is literally just for myself. Not saying I think dating in early 20s is bad. If it happens, it happens. 

5.23.19

I spent 3 hours at Barnes and Nobles yesterday and I came across the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. It talks a lot about how women often picture this romcom-esque love story but in reality, bitch - better be falling in love with Jesus. It also talks a lottt about healing and basically.. how healing isn’t living under a facade of strength (reminds me of that Kelly Clarkson song “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”), it’s being willing to admit you’re broken and allowing God to redeem those areas of your life.

It sounds all great and spiritually-sound but as I read about the personal anecdotes she gave, some of them hit a little too close to home and stirred up some emotions that I thought were left in the past.

It brought me to question.. so then.. am I just never completely healed? Because every time I think about painful parts of my past, it brings up shame, guilt, bitterness, etc. / How do I know if I’m completely healed? omg - what does it even mean to be healed then? 

(No, I don’t believe in “well if you have to ask, then you’re probably not totally over it.” Even if that’s true, it’s more complicated than that) 

I think about all of my past relationships that I thought I healed from. The girl who was obsessed with body shaming. The girl who manipulated me. The girl who ditched me to date a guy. The guy who cheated on me with his ex. And the list goes on. 

The saying goes something along the lines of “learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them.” I used to think that not repeating a mistake was an indication of healing. And yes, in a sense, sure it could, but it goes deeper than that. Yesterday’s hurts. Still today’s struggles. For example, eating disorder from the past.. sometimes things like confidence and self-worth and my relationship with food are put into an uncomfortable spotlight. Or getting cheated on in the past.. still makes it hard to believe that not all guys are trash. Sounds discouraging.. as if I’m permanently damaged.. tainted.. but it’s a reminder of how much more I need to invite God into those areas of my life. 

Yes, I understand that we’re all broken and sinful people and constantly in need of God’s love and grace daily, but I guess I see another layer of it now. I’d always thought of it more as like “I know that at any moment I could always mess up and hurt someone” but it also speaks to so much of the brokenness and the sins of my past that are constantly brought back up.

No, it’s not a sign of weakness to continuously struggle with the same things - something I’m still learning and fighting to believe.. and even allowing God to mend those parts of me and figuring out what that even means/looks like. 

This past semester, I saw myself really starting to believe the lie that I have to show God that because he loves and the Bible is my source of strength that yes God, of course I’m healing - I mean.. look how much it’s improving my mood, making me a more loving person, how much more I’m putting my energy toward serving.. I also started believing the lie that not “getting better” was equivalent to saying that Jesus dying on the cross wasn’t enough for me. Growing in faith and progressing in healing are separate (sure related, but not meant to be forced to match in pace). 

SO.. while it sounds discouraging as if I’m just doomed to eternal sadness and pan because I’m never going to completely heal (or at least I haven’t seen signs of it in my life).. it’s all the more important to look to the cross and understand the redemption that Christ’s blood has won and COMPLETED for me. 

2:55am 3.14.19 

i can’t sleep.

God whyyy

why is it so hard to believe that your love is enough for me

it’s so hard to say yes. so hard to obey. so hard to care. so hard to love. so hard to trust.

But how can you disregard how much I have pursued you. Have you forgotten that you are chosen. 

But God, I can’t.. But God, I’m not good enough.. But God, I don’t understand..

Can’t you see that I don’t call you to be perfect. How can you hear how I’m speaking to you and yet still want to deliberately run away. Did I not raise up the weak? Did I not fulfill all of my promises? To Abraham, to Moses.. 

But, I want to do things on my conditions. based on what’s convenient for me.

Can you learn to hold your tongue? Can you remember how I’ve been faithful to you in the past? I have shown you that I will always be faithful to you, how do you have the audacity to not trust me now?

But, I want to chase after the things that will lessen the pain even a little bit.. even if it’s only temporary.. I’m so sick of feeling misunderstood. so sick of putting up a front. so sick of using good discernment. 

But i have so many better things planned for you. Can you trust me?

..God, I can expect you to do great things. Show me how great your love is for me. Pull me closer. Draw me deeper. I want to know your heart for me and for your people. Show me that I’m not fighting alone. Show me that when I feel surrounded by dimness, frustration.. feeling like no one fully understands me. Show me that I’m surrounded by your love. That you understand me perfectly.

Show me that you can multiply the little I have to offer. Show me that my obedience isn’t for nothing. Show me that the pain and the waiting isn’t for nothing. Show me how you’re shaping my heart to be softened to love you more and in response, to let that love overflow to loving others more.  

coming home for spring break was a lot more emotionally taxing than I’d thought it would be. 

- sad to see us packing up and moving to maryland

- frustrated with the disconnect between loving my parents and showing that i love my parents

- realized i miss the dark east coast humor

- lacking a sense of belonging/a sense of home

- sad that sometimes, it’s the first and last time i’ll get to hang out with someone

- sad to be going back to aa

- stressed about waiting for summer plans and si

- realized how unloving and impatient i can be

- i hate the anxiety i get from opening slack for my si independent study

- stressed about spending my time on things that i feel like are a waste of time

- stressed about reconciliation

“All I want. All I need.

More of you. Less of me. 

Take this life. Lord it’s yours.