I've examined my sexuality many times throughout my life, but only recently examined my romantic attraction. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I'm aroace, but I find it's not in the same way most people are aroace.
For me, I find it is specifically the attraction that I lack as opposed to a desire to engage in the ~activities~ associated with it. What I mean by that is, if you think of attraction as a sense, like all your other senses, that supplies your brain with information about its environment, I lack the 2 that tell it to react to stimulus considered "sexual" or "romantic". However, I'm still capable of understanding those stimuli because I have other senses. Someone who can't see the sun may still know it's daytime because they can hear birdsong. Someone who can't hear the music may still know it's being played bc they can see a person jamming out to it in their car.
In the same sense, I lack the sense that is romantic attraction because I don't get any information (generally about myself) in reaction to a stimulus. I don't get butterflies in my stomach. I don't feel any particularly emotional way the same way the stories say you're supposed to when you have a romantic crush on someone. My brain isn't getting the same info that other people's brains seem to get from similar stimuli. The same can be said for my lack of sexual attraction. I don't get a physical reaction to other people's bodies. I don't feel arousal just at the sight of a person. I still get aroused from other things and I can tell a person is "sexy" because I have other senses and a brain that can connect dots. But I don't have the same reaction others do to the same stimulus.
But, in my case specifically, none of this means I lack a desire for the interactions that tend to go hand in hand with those senses.
I follow aroace blogs, and a lot of what I see from them is validating the experiences of people who not only lack the attraction but the desire for these things. Which is great! People like me who still desire those things have the benefit of being able to say, "At least I still want the trappings that society has deemed are necessary even if I can't honestly say 'you're hot'." And that's... fine.
But it creates a dilemma for me in that I crave the intimacy that comes with having a life partner, but I lack the necessary senses to discern who I want that to be. Allos can tell well enough to narrow down their options pretty well. And other aspec people don't seem bothered by this dilemma because they just don't have the desire for these kinds of relationships.
I guess, if we continue with the senses metaphor, I could use my other senses to make up for the ones I lack, but that's a skill I've yet to master, considering I only confirmed I'm aro to myself this year. And I find as I get older I'm increasingly lonelier in part because I don't know how to find that life partner but also because I fail to feel a sense of belonging in the aroace community due to the particularities of how my identity has manifested.
I can't say I'm exactly upset about my identity or what it is. I'm glad to have figured it out. In a way, I feel the same about it as I do about my ADHD or autism. They're a part of me and they're not likely to change anytime soon. No use being upset over them. But like my ADHD and autism, my identity presents problems to the way I want to live my life, even before we get into the problems society causes me because of these things.
I just wish I knew how to navigate these problems better than I do.
