The Menagerie

do you feel like, around certain people, you are an entirely different kind of person? with some people, you are outgoing, excitable, loud, outspoken, confident? with others, you are quiet, reserved, shy, anxious? obviously these do not mean these are necessarily two different people, right?

well, I mean. what the fuck is "a person." or rather what the fuck is "a consciousness" is maybe a better question.

plenty of systems have the whole "i have amnesia and my parts are profoundly distinct and cannot communicate with each other internally" etc etc etc but 1) this is like. a specific expression of a broader phenomenon and 2) this is not the only way to be plural.

a better example than the above is maybe "when I'm at work, I am Literally A Different Person than when I am at home with my wife."

this is something that I think most people would not balk at saying, even if it's nominally in jest or hyperbolic. but like, what makes that not literally true?

if we accept that a Part or an Alter or a Headmate or a Distinct Psyche or whatever you want to call it Does Not Need to be profoundly distinct in the way the "DSM-5" articulates it as, i.e. you can have parts that do not have amnesia and who share some level of awareness, memories, etc, can communicate internally, etc. what determines the boundaries of a Part? In our experience, the most constrained definition of "what a part is" could be defined as "a distinct psychic mode of existence which can be temporarily occupied, and is sometimes occupied based on contextual triggers."

your "inner child" is a part! your "worksona" is a part! when you have a bad day and you hear a voice in your mindspace that tries to encourage you to get up and take care of yourself, that can be a part!

likewise, the voice in your head that denigrates and derides you can be a part. and, if you give yourselves permission, you can try to talk to them.

imo. the biggest "hack" for "determining if you are plural" (fake, everyone is plural) is giving yourselves just. permission to even "pretend" to be distinct. you may shock yourself. you may surprise yourself. you may think into your mindspace "hello, is anybody there?" and you may be surprised to find that sometimes. someone might answer back "yes."

the way we first realized we were plural was literally that we were in a car talking with a friend who is a system and they said to us, "well, if you were separate parts, what would you say?" and then an entirely different emotional state clicked into place and a cheerful and excited voice piped up out of our body and said "WELL, if I ever got to distinguish myself as separate, I would..." before stopping and realizing what she had said.

the thing is that plurality is psychic. it is "psychological." it is, by definition, "all in your head." because every part of your personhood(s) is "in your head." you can play pretend. you can do imagination games. what makes that "less real" than other thoughts in your mindscape? if you pretend hard enough that you are different kinds of people in your mind, you might just literally be different people in your mind. why not? what makes on "personality" or "psyche" or "fragment" real, and another "pretend?" it's all pretend. none of it is pretend. your personhood is made up in your mind. you are already playing pretend! you are playing pretend that you are a person! having thoughts and beliefs and emotions and opinions is make-believe! it is made up of the same essential psychic Stuff as playing pretend.

you may be pleasantly surprised to find out how joyful the different parts of your heart and your life might feel to be granted the respect and autonomy to distinguish themselves as distinct and unique and each worthy of personhood, choice, and expression.

DING DING DING WINNER OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT I'M SAYING AWARD GOES TO THESE TAGS (/GEN)

Snowball in Hell, acrylics, 30cmx20cm

But it’s not a pennant-winged nightjar. THIS is a pennant-winged nightjar… if you even care.

can’t forget the Lyre-tailed Nightjar! there’s actually a number of these ridiculous guys, and they’re partly why caprimulgiforms are some of my favorite birds

photo from here:

comb-shaped claws on the middle toe have evolved multiple times among a diverse variety of birds, found in nightjars, barn owls, herons, frigatebirds, and a few other groups. and despite looking exactly like they’re used for preening out feather parasites, they might have other uses for keeping birds clean that we haven’t yet identified:

the medieval peasant in my head watching me eat: thou knowst what would MAKETH this meal? dried fruits.

me, getting out the raisins: god damn, etheldred, you are SO right

(some background: it wasn't 30 years ago that the military of a dictatorship massacred protesting civilians by railgunning them from tanks and helicopters. not only is the democratic revolution still in living memory, but there was also a popular movie this year about the military coup. Han Kang became a nobel laureate last month for writing about the people who died in those protests.)

the special ops team's guns on the night of were loaded with rubbers, but there were reports that real bullets had been handed out ready to be used if the order came down (south korea bans the use of guns. it is also treason if you fire at parliament.)

what helped was the speed with which people rushed to take action against this middle-of-the-night onslaught. soldiers had been sent to politicians' homes to arrest them before they could gather in assembly, but the politicians had already headed to parliament for an emergency meeting.

a lot more Koreans were tracking the situation via social media, news reports, radio channels, and personal streamings. night shift workers at parliament barricaded the doors. the scrutiny and pressure put on the military troops attacking parliament was not insignificant. it bought us the ten minutes required for parliament to slapdash a martial law cancellation motion and vote on it, even as the strike team was breaking the windows and pushing in to the assembly hall.

this could all have gone really fucking wrong. we were saved by every civilian who put themselves in front of gunmen (including disabled human rights protestors), every councilor who jumped a wall to go vote, every reporter who shared breaking news on-site, every single audience member of live streams and social media, every police or soldier who tried not to escalate violence against civilians.

At the same time, people with ADHD also have fears that are based on real events in their lives. People with ADHD nervous systems are consistently inconsistent. The person is never sure that her abilities and intellect will show up when they are needed. Not being able to measure up at the job or at school, or in social circles is humiliating. It is understandable that people with ADHD live with persistent fear. These fears are real, so they do not indicate an anxiety disorder.