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@diamondnokouzai
can horse sex be feminist? and other questions the modern world refuses to answer
this is a re-upload of my video essay about suzy mckee charnas' Holdfast Chronicles series of books and cirio h. santiago's 1988 ""film"" The Sisterhood. watch out!
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i hate myself for being who i am and then im hypocrite enough to hate everyone else for feeling the same way. why couldnt i have been born worth something too?
i want to be important enough that people mean it when they apologize to me thats all
is it a lot to think that doctors should think im important. is it too much that i ask they be fucking punctual.
i look around and i see humans treating other humans with courtesy and i know its disrespectful to not be on time and i know that none of that applies to me. im not a human. if i were a human i would merit human courtesy.
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and they always kick me when im down. no one ever hurts me just once. they see that im weak and they use that. ender wiggin was right. i dont want to win this fight, i want people to not pick fights with me.
and my therapist's notes from my visit. she said i denied homicidal or suicidal urges. but thats a lie. she didnt ask. if she had asked i would have told her how badly i want to die.
it has to be my fault. i was born the wrong species or something, or its all because of my past life. it cant just be that i only meet and interact with people who dont care. theres something about Me that makes people recognize me as wrong and other. it has to be my fault.
is it inherent to my being? do i just not merit human attention or respect? i dont know what else. maybe i dont deserve it from anyone.
i just dont know how to be important to humans. i dont know how to be respected.
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what do i even do about this. go to therapy over it?
stop telling people to go to therapy because some therapists will be 10+ minutes lateto every appointment they can be and also they will cancel appointments after their organization texts you to ask if youre there yet.
life isnt always better than the alternative but saying that makes me crazy apparently
maybe if i were more interesting as a patient or if my problems actually mattered. but no im the one where you can cancel appointments because you dont know how to plan for traffic and im the one where you can be on time to just one fucking appointment out of fucking 20 and im the one where you can say you live an hour away from work and STILL BE TWELVEFUCKING MINUTES LATE TO A FUCKING EVISIT. im the one that you can blow off and ignore. she kept saying that other appointments run long. mine dont. mine never do. because its okay for other people to use up my time, but my time is not important enough for other people to respect it. why bother. its just me.
like since she cancelled my appointment. btw she confirmed that it was literally purely and solely due to FUCKING TRAFFIC that she canceled on me. and then she was 12 minutes late to my appointment today. anyway since she canceled my appointment, sincerely, i have not been confident that i would step on the brakes if a car was turning left in front of me. if i can do it without being liable, i will.
my therapist didnt seem bothered by this at my appointment either.
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I do agree that its possible for someone to wanna do all the makeup, shaving, etc kinda things for themself but we should kinda interrogate what "for yourself" really means.
Like, do you do it because you like looking at yourself in the mirror? Thats awesome! We should look at our bodies and enjoy them. Do you like how your legs feel in fresh sheets after shaving? I get u, i liked that too! (Alltho i recommwnd trying full hairy legs in fresh sheets too, it feels GREAT) Do you like experimenting w makeup, doing crazy looks that you can wear all day and get compliments on? Thats so cool id like that too ngl!!!
But if it means "leghair makes me feel unclean" (where did you learn that?) or "im grossed out by my bare skin and i just wanna feel conventionally pretty and looking conventionally pretty makes me feel happy" (why does it make you feel happy?) idk if that is for you? I think its for internalized expectations rooted into u from childhood
I guess a pretty good thing to ask urself is "do i still have fun doing these things when im not around other people or seen by other people" or "are there other activities i would rather be doing, such as arts and crafts, making myself a banging meal, playing sports, watching movies etc, and if i stopped right now and instead went to do that would i have more fun"
is it actionable/72 hour holdable if i tell my therapist that the next time shes 10 minutes late for an appointment, especially an appointment SHE HAD TO FUCKING RESCHEDULE BECAUSE OF FUCKING TRAFFIC, that i will murder her in the lobby? cause shes got 3 minutes to avoid hearing that.
