#self regard

"i need friends who I can have any type of stupid conversation with, such as big ideas, gossip, dreams of the future or planning a trip. That I'm able to connect intellectually and emotionally, who is funny and we can spend time doing nothing in silence. Who are supportive of me and wants the best for me always. Who are empathetic with others and good people. that enjoys staying in watching movies or playing games or brainstorming. or going out to a chill place to get beers and laugh together. also a person who's there when I'm feeling lonely and sad. that makes me feel like im not so alone."

for example, I know I also should be friends with sensors but i find it very difficult to connect with people who cannot engage in a more abstract or idea oriented way of talking, people who take things I say very literally. I know it's their own way of speaking and it's not natural for them to engage in abstract ideas but I find it hard to find common ground with them. I have an ISTP friend, for example, and I really love her but sometimes I'm anxious because I said something funny but it wasn't funny or interesting for her because she took my humor literally. for ex:

she: "I'd like we could travel"

me: "Me too, friend… You know what? we can do it! we can get to the airport and tell someone their flight has been canceled and get to plane in secretly. Nobody would notice! hahaha"

she: "oh… that's crazy… haha"

and then we don't connect as well as she does with other people.

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There are two issues to address:

1) Validation & Acceptance: When you have low self-worth, you have a very hard time validating, accepting, and loving yourself. Thus, it certainly helps to have someone in your corner to validate you and encourage you to accept and love yourself. Positive self-regard is a legitimate need, because it is necessary for psychological well-being, so it's not unreasonable to want someone to help you fulfill this need.

Where people generally go awry is when they expect that a friend should be perfect, i.e., that they always know what you want, always say the right thing, are always there when you need them, etc. A "good" person is not the same as a "perfect" person. A good person puts out their best effort, but that doesn't mean they always succeed or that their good intentions always produce good results. Expecting perfection is too big of a burden to place on any one person, even if they are willing to accept the burden. You should ideally have a social support network to lean on, rather than expecting just one person to fulfill your every need.

Another way people go awry is by being too self-absorbed because they are too needy for validation and acceptance. If you want to make friends with a good person and keep them in your life, it's important to remember that you also have to be a good person to them. You have to offer them validation and acceptance in return, in order to make it worthwhile for them to stick around.

2) Shame & Low Self-Awareness: When you have low self-worth, it is often accompanied by deep-seated shame about your needs and wants, leading you to hide them away for fear of being rejected for them. When you have gone neglected for a long time, you lose touch with yourself and then don't know yourself very well, unable to express your needs, desires, and feelings constructively. It makes sense that you would want a friend who can relate to you, read you well, and teach you something about who you are.

It is important to have like-minded friends because they reflect back to you the aspects of yourself that you like to see, which helps build up your self-regard. However, don't forget that it's just as important to have challenging friends, because they reflect back to you the aspects of yourself that you're trying to hide, the parts of you that you're deeply ashamed of. Otherwise, you might remain forever blind to your shame and its influence over you, thus stalling your growth.