Apologizing when youβve messed up without spiralling is so important for your relationships.
Messing up doesnβt make you a monster. It makes you human. And learning how to apologize with care, without guilt-tripping or panicking, is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships.
Hereβs some ideas of how to do this.
Pause and take a breath.
Before you rush in with βIβm sorry, Iβm the worst, please donβt leave,β take a breath. Remind yourself that youβre not bad. Youβre learning. You can handle this. And if needed, try a skill to prevent any urges.
Genuinely apologize with the intent to validate and show remorse, not to get reassurance.
A good apology isnβt about begging for reassurance. Itβs about acknowledging your impact.
βIβm really sorry for what I said. I see now that it hurt you, and that wasnβt okay.β This is a great way to apologize instead of something like βIβm sorry Iβm such a horrible person and you probably hate me now.β
The difference between these two is the second one makes it about you, and puts pressure on the other person to reassure you instead of sorting through their own feelings.
Apologies should be about acknowledging the other person and how youβve messed up and not done just because youβre afraid someone will leave you.
Try not to be defensive.
Even if you didnβt mean to hurt them, what matters is that they were hurt. We often want to defend ourselves because we want the other person to know our intentions but sometimes this can come off as invalidating. The example Iβm going to share below is a way to apologize to someone while still getting to share your intentions because while the apology is about the other person, sometimes we need to do this for our own peace of mind. This way of wording should still allow the other person to feel heard and validated while honouring your feelings.
βI didnβt intend to make you feel that way, but I understand that I did, and Iβm sorry.β
Donβt make assumptions. Ask questions.
Instead of scrambling to fix everything or smother them with affection, try finding out what they need.
βIs there something I can do to make this right?β
βDo you need some space or want to talk it through more?β
Be patient.
You can apologize perfectly and still need to wait for the other person to feel ready to reconnect. That doesnβt mean you failed at your apology. It just means they need time and youβre strong enough to give it to them. And if they cannot forgive you, know that while theyβre allowed to feel that way, it doesnβt mean you arenβt allowed to forgive yourself.
You deserve to be heard too
Sometimes, we need to apologize for lashing out. And weβve lashed out because weβre upset with the other person. While it isnβt okay to lash out, your feelings are valid.
It might be useful to use something like DEAR MAN to talk about an issue you might be having. And while this should be done after the other person is ready and has accepted the apology, it isnβt okay for them to keep throwing it in your face to avoid their own part in things.
You should apologize for your actions but you should not apologize for having feelings. Sometimes that can get confused. You might apologize for how you acted when you were upset, but you donβt owe an apology for being upset in the first place.
