#auxiliary fe

As opposed to you I lack guidance, meaning that I do not have a professor who would correct my essay and keep pushing me to express myself even more clearly and concisely. I come from a country where students aren't really guided by professors and don't have any assignments or essays to write. I would like to be reminded about the other stuff you wrote in that post on the study method you followed and also to get some additional advice on how to reach my goal in my specific case.

I would say my ignorance and lack of knowledge is my second obstacle. My first obstacle is lack of confidence and perfectionism. I rarely ever voice my own opinion unless I know it's absolutely “perfect”, correct and backed by solid evidence and arguments, but as a result I end up never talking or making my stances known, both due to my fear of being attacked and also because I don't trust myself or my intelligence. Rationally, I know I am as capable as everybody else and more, but when I confront myself with others I automatically assume that what I think is inferior, that the other person knows more about my even though I've found that many times that is not the case.

For example, there are people who don't know much about some political and social topics, or debaters who, despite not knowing everything or not always providing a good answer and argument, are still confident and bold enough to voice their stances and expose themselves like that. Meanwhile I am on the opposite extreme end, I often stay completely silent unless I know I am omniscient or something. I know this trait is unhealthy and that I need to allow myself to be imperfect over and over again to learn from my mistakes, but I guess the biggest issue is that I am afraid of being attacked or, to take responsibility of the thoughts I hold, and that means facing criticism for it eventually.

I know being people pointing out the flaws in my thinking allows me to improve and gain a more complete perspective, so I have to reformulate: the think I fear the most is being misunderstood and ostracized, being labelled as a malignant person when in actuality, I'd be glad if someone corrected me in order to enrich my worldview, in fact I would love to discuss like this, I just don't like people assuming I'm evil based on a political stance I have. So the more appropriate question to overcome my mental block would be: how do I handle people misunderstanding me and assuming the worst of my intentions?

In summary: I'm asking advice on 2 issues: the first issue is the same you used to have, which is, the feeling that I have an intellectual potential I cannot express because I am currently limited in my competence through lack of knowledge and thought articulation. The second issue is related to my lack of confidence and fear or being misunderstood. I also think that my intellectual and debating skills are also limited by this severe lack of confidence, not just by an objective lack of knowledge in my areas of interest.

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I'm afraid I don't remember which post you're referring to. Perhaps look under #learning or #critical thinking or #writing.

With regard to my intellectual potential, I grew up in a mismatch of personality and environment. It is not an uncommon problem, especially for Ns, since they are a statistical minority. Reflecting on my childhood, I wasn't encouraged to develop the natural strengths of my personality but I also wasn't heavily discouraged or barred from being myself. It was mostly the case that people just didn't know what to make of me and therefore didn't know what to do with me. Being a responsible kid, I was often left to my own devices. At a certain point, I knew I was on my own and had to take learning into my own hands.

From a young age, I felt as though I had certain intellectual abilities that weren't being recognized and nurtured. My family did place great value and emphasis on educational attainment but it was mainly for the sake of financial stability, not the kind of education that I personally needed for satisfying my intellectual interests. Unfortunately, this led me to develop poor study habits because I was of the attitude that school learning was just a practical matter of passing exams rather than a matter of deeper intellectual growth.

I was very fortunate in that school came relatively easy to me, so I basically coasted and managed to get above average grades for most of my grade school years. It wasn't until late in high school that I became more determined to apply myself in order to see what I was truly capable of. Up until then, I almost never read a book from cover to cover. Perhaps because the subject matter was finally getting closer to university-level specialization, it became a lot harder to get good grades on exams around eleventh grade.

I was very fortunate in that a couple of teachers took special interest in me because, like me, they thought I wasn't working up to my potential. Through their constant scolding and humiliations, I finally got it through my thick skull that reading the books was the best way to not only ace exams but to be knowledgeable - to become actually smart rather than just look smart on a report card.

It was then that I started to value memorization of facts for building a strong foundation of knowledge. I'm an avid note-taker and I used to spend my lunch hours reviewing notes over and over again. It was also then that I developed a deep passion for reading textbooks. Even now, when people ask me what they can get me for birthday or Christmas, I'll tell them to buy me a textbook I've been eyeing. (They think it's funny until they see the prices.)

While I wasn't the best student in school, I was always very intellectually curious about various subjects outside of school. As a teen, I would try to seek out information about stuff I was interested in. However, without any experience or guidance, I'd often end up choosing... not the best resources for learning. Being young and impressionable, choosing the wrong sources can really set back your learning because then you have to waste time unlearning crap in order to get back on track.

I quickly learned to value textbooks because they were organized and reliable, written by the recognized experts in the field. Introductory textbooks often provide the best big-picture view of a field of study, which paired very well with my holistic learning preferences. You could say from then on, I became a serious student, not just in school, but in lifelong learning. I was very fortunate that a love of textbooks made university so much easier for me.

I wouldn't be the person I am today without the years I spent toiling away in formal university schooling. It was through formal schooling that I learned the best tools for self-study in adulthood. I understand that not everyone has the chance to attend university or work closely with professors, especially in the first couple of years. However, if you are a serious student, in or out of school, you have to take the initiative to discover the experts, learn from them, and solicit their advice and feedback if possible.

Learning should be proactive. You have to use every good resource available to you. Nowadays, there are so many university-level resources for free on the internet, so there's really no excuse. Unfortunately, with the advent of AI, too many students are taking shortcuts that end up neutering their own intellect; knowledge is endlessly watered down into meaninglessness. One of the many reasons I quit teaching was because serious students became rarer and rarer, which sucked all meaning out of education as a calling.

If it matters to you to be an intelligent person, there's no avoiding the work that is necessary to build up knowledge and expertise. These three steps are fundamental for proper self-study in any subject:

You have to do enough research in a field to at least understand which specific area(s) you want to focus on, as well as which experts, books, and resources are best to learn from.

You have to put in the hours of grunt work to learn and memorize the foundational knowledge of the field.

You have to take every opportunity available to put your knowledge into practice and obtain feedback about how to improve.

If you can't do the above, your learning process will always be very slow and probably full of detours.

The first step has been made harder because of social media and the proliferation of scam artists. Learning through social media is probably one of the worst ways to learn. It is unstructured, the info is unreliable, and it can lead you in entirely the wrong direction. At best, social media should only be a jumping off point for finding good resources but never the main source itself.

It seems you've taken some time to get to know me and my level of expertise, which is a good sign. You probably know that people often ask me for book recommendations about various subjects. I answer such requests because I feel it is my duty as a well-educated person to help people find good learning resources, and it's also a way for me to pay forward the kindness of my past teachers and mentors.

If you want to improve your critical thinking, I've already recommended some good books on the resource list. The practical guide by Thomson is particularly useful because it is structured just like many critical thinking courses offered at the university level. If you're unable to take a formal course, this book is the next best thing.

The second step is hard for people who aren't good at or willing to put in the time to methodically memorize information. I don't know about where you live, but in my country, the educational system is always swinging back and forth between those who say "education should (boringly) focus on fundamentals" and those who say "education should be fun and engaging". Honestly, I'm not in the system so I have no horse in this race. I can only speak from my own experience.

The best kind of learning is both rigorous and enjoyable. "Rigorous" means you follow a well-established, systematic method of learning. "Enjoyable" means you are doing something that is aligned with your personal preferences, likes, desires, or passions. I don't think learning is always "fun" per se; I think learning ought to consistently produce a feeling of accomplishment which is intellectually enjoyable.

I don't know where you are on this step. There are a lot of practical skills involved (and they are usually taught in school), such as: scheduling and organization, reading comprehension, note taking, regular reviewing, etc. In order for the things you learn to sink into memory, you have to schedule regular study and review sessions. Self-study is self-motivated. You don't have to push yourself to the extent you would as a college student, but you still need a good system for tracking your progress.

The third step is hard for people who don't have enough motivation and/or can't handle feedback well. You want to learn things like critical thinking, debate, and rhetorical skills. Feedback is essential to improving all three, so if you can't handle feedback, you've severely handicapped your learning. There are a few things I can say about this that you probably haven't yet understood.

Fear isn't a reason to not do something. Feelings aren't the problem. You are a human being, so you're always going to have feelings. People are always asking me about how to "get rid of" various negative feelings such as anger, anxiety, etc, without getting that they're actually asking to demolish their own humanity. Being a humanist, I will have no part in such an endeavor.

Fear and anxiety are normal human emotions and they're always going to be there when you undertake any risky activity. A normal emotion shouldn't stop you from doing things that you know are good for your well-being or long-term growth. How does that saying go? Courage isn't the absence of fear but the understanding that some things are more important than fear. What's most important to you? As Ni dom, failing to prioritize the things you know matter most is the road to stagnation.

What's the worst that can happen by standing up to speak your mind? You get called out for being wrong? You get attacked for your beliefs? You get ridiculed for being stupid? As negative as these experiences sound, they are not the end of the world by any means. You only feel they are the end of the world because of EGO, because you are too wrapped up in proving yourself worthy. And to what end? If you're learning purely for the sake of your own edification, why get wrapped up in what others think? Unless the intention behind your learning is something else, something more suspect?

Generally speaking, people who are always out to prove something have a self-worth issue. If you believe your worthiness as a person is equal to how much you know or whether you're right all the time, then I'm afraid the issue lies in your personal beliefs and values about humanity, i.e., there's a serious problem with the way you judge people. And you'll be easily affected by others' judgments because they trigger the negative judgments YOU already have about yourself (i.e. toxic shame).

I can't change your beliefs and values, only you can. If you don't know how, that's what cognitive-behavioral therapy is for. Self-worth is deeply related to Ni+Fe development because, if you've internalized the wrong kinds of values from society and are thus trying to live up to some stupidly impossible ideal, it's your job to change your beliefs and values as part of the process of growing up into an independent individual.

What's the alternative? Continuing to let the opinions of others run your life forever? If the most important thing to you is fitting into some false image that society convinced you is ideal... then what you want is fundamentally incompatible with learning to think for yourself. This means good critical thinking skills are forever out of your reach.

It doesn't matter what you believe, whether you believe in the tooth fairy or the earth is round, someone out there is going to disagree with you and attack you for it. This world has all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs. Accept this reality. Everyone has a right to an opinion but not every opinion is valid. Being a good critical thinker means being able to separate the person doing the speaking from the ideas and their validity. If the ideas are true/valid, take them seriously. If the ideas are false/invalid, taking them to heart is completely unnecessary. If you care about being right, why pay all your attention to the people who are wrong?

Yes, taking feedback can be hard when you're completely identified with your beliefs and values. So how about not identifying so hard? How about giving yourself the grace to experiment with different identities rather than expecting yourself to have everything magically figured out. Do you expect everyone around you to be perfect all the time? If so, I would stay far away from you. But if you believe progress is a process and that people should be given the room to make mistakes and improve, then grant yourself that freedom. Only you can let go of your perfectionism.

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You're not asking the right question, likely due to low emotional intelligence. Any time a person asks "how do I stop" feeling or thinking whatever, it actually means they are evading the problem. You're deflecting blame onto your feelings, specifically feelings of shame. Shame that is excessive or out of proportion to the situation is called toxic shame. If you believe a feeling is the problem, then the band-aid solution you come up with is to try to "eliminate" it.

However, shame is merely a messenger. Killing the messenger is never a proper solution. Recurring mental patterns exist for a reason and knowing the reason is the first step towards an exit. Shame is alerting you to something about yourself that needs to change or improve so that you can grow as a person. If you don't grow, the shame will persist and even get louder and more disruptive each time it gets triggered.

You say your current therapist hasn't been helpful. It may be that you got a bad therapist and need to find a better one. But it may be that you have a good therapist but you're not doing enough to help them help you. A therapist can only be helpful to the extent that you can offer up useful information about yourself for them to work with.

So far, you haven't offered me useful info as to what's really behind the shame other than the superficial reading of having "fallen behind", which may indicate low self-awareness. Or it could be because you're only looking for a quick-fix ("elimination") rather than an actual solution (as achieved through hard-earned personal growth). I don't offer quick-fixes and neither do most therapists. If you require further help from me or your therapist, you're going to have to put in some self-reflection work to at least provide some clue as to why you suffer the problem.

The most I can do is prompt you to raise your self-awareness through building general knowledge. Suffering from the shame of social comparison is usually an indication of being at level two ego development (as explained in the guides). It means being preoccupied with social matters that usually affect adolescents such as: fitting in, belonging, obtaining approval, receiving affirmation or acceptance, etc.

Generally speaking, a person should be able to get past level two once they are well into adulthood. However, there are many factors that can have a negative impact on ego development. When ego development is lagging, it's important to reflect on why exactly it's happening or what factors caused/contributed to the lag. There are many possible factors to consider, such as:

lack of social skills

distorted beliefs

unhealthy value system

dysfunctional social upbringing

fear of being alone or abandoned

experiences of bullying or peer ostracization

attachment issues from childhood

issues related to low self-esteem or low self-worth

for INFJ, problems related to Ni and/or Fe development

mental health issues that have impeded social development

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To recap: The problem is that you were sheltered and didn't get enough socializing experience to feel confident about socializing? Is the most logical solution to keep sheltering yourself, to keep depriving yourself of socializing experience? I think not.

When you're a kid, you don't have much, if any, control over your life. You're not responsible for the decisions that adults imposed upon you. However, now you're free to make decisions for yourself. If you choose to continue along the path those adults set for you, what's going to happen? You'll keep being that "stupid" kid forevermore. That's not what you want, is it? Choosing safety over growth (i.e. being held back by fear) over and over again is how people get stuck in a rut and eventually end up loathing themselves.

Do you think it's a good idea to make a big decision about the trajectory of your life based on one bad experience? Do you expect that life should never be difficult, that you should never have to experience failure, that you should never have to suffer ever? Do you think you can go through life only defining yourself by good experiences and disowning the bad ones? If so, you're not being realistic. Life is full of pleasure, fun, joy, and beauty... but also challenges, difficulties, problems, and PAIN. Every experience, good and bad, is valuable for becoming the person you're meant to be.

While it may be true that being sheltered hasn't adequately prepared you for meeting life's challenges, it is all the more reason to actively push yourself to break out of your childhood programming. Your ego development was held back through no fault of your own but now it is your responsibility to address the problem. You owe it to yourself, if you truly care about your well-being and your future.

It's imperative to learn better coping strategies rather than hiding away. If you don't know how or where to start, that's what therapy is for. There are so many ways to work on yourself; if one way doesn't feel right, all you have to do is try another way. There's no reason to turn one bad experience into a life-altering catastrophe.

It's not the end of the world to not know what to say. It's not the end of the world to get judged by people. It's not the end of the world to feel ill-equipped. You only feel that these things are the end of the world because of ego, because you are still stuck in the mindset of a child who is cowering before the "powerful" adults. You're the adult now. You get to decide how to respond to low self-esteem, toxic shame, and the opinions of others. You can keep being the passive victim, or you can stand up and take the lead over your own life.

Children see the world in terms of who has the authority and power to reward and punish, so they operate mainly on fear. Is there no other way to be in this world? Are you going to treat everyone you meet as a threatening "parent" out to criticize and punish you? I get that it's hard to behave as an equal to others when you feel "behind". However, there are two things you haven't understood yet:

(1) "Ahead" or "behind" are relative terms. Relative terms are not absolute but you are treating them as such, which is illogical. Let's say two people are running a 500m race. Person A starts at 0m while Person B starts at 50m. Obviously, Person B is going to be ahead the whole time with such a big advantage. But is it then reasonable to turn around and yell and scream at Person A for being a failure? Is it their fault for not having a head start? That's not a fair judgment, is it? You're being similarly unfair to yourself. Being unfair to oneself is what perpetuates low self-esteem and toxic shame.

(2) Everyone is an individual and has their own path to take in life. Life can be unfair because some people have more privilege and access to opportunity in society. But life is also fair in that we each have our own unique set of challenges to deal with. The challenges other people do or don't have to deal with have no relevance to you. The only thing that's relevant to you is facing up to your own set of challenges and discovering your own unique path to personal growth.

Adolescents see the world in terms of who is "better" or worse", so they operate on insecurity, envy, jealousy, and conformity. Is there no other way to be in this world? If that's not how you want to live your life, then the onus is on you to set your beliefs and values straight, to move beyond that immature mindset.

As you imply, if you're going to set a goal, define it properly so that you know what you're actually aiming for. You say you want deeper relationships but don't know what "deeper" means. Is that true, though? You must have some idea about it, otherwise, how could you come to want it? Give yourself some credit. If you've suffered relationship problems, maybe it's a sign you need to improve some social skills, but it doesn't mean you know nothing at all.

Having realistic expectations doesn't only refer to how you view others, it also includes being honest about your own needs, desires, and limitations. It's difficult to get what you want when you can't even say what you want out loud in the first place. What does an ideal relationship look like to you? Describe it, in detail. What appeals or doesn't appeal to you in people? What are you looking to get from your relationships? What is it you feel has been lacking so far?

Healthy INFJs are generally accepting of individual differences, which means they don't expect everyone to have the same needs and desires. Not everyone is going to be compatible with you, so you have to cultivate the ability to spot good relationship potential (Ni) and direct your effort to where it counts the most. Otherwise, you might spread yourself too thin or hit too many dead ends. As an introvert, the energy you have for socializing is limited, so spend it as wisely as you can.

When people use the word "deeper" to describe a relationship, they are usually referring to the concept of intimacy. Intimacy is a way of describing or determining how close two people are. You don't need to have a lot of experience with relationships to know that there are varying levels of closeness. A simple example: stranger to acquaintance to friend to lover - these gradually go from not intimate to very intimate.

Intimacy can be nurtured in a variety of ways. The two most common ways are though communication and sharing.

(1) With respect to intimacy, communication refers to what two people can talk about. The more intimate the relationship, the more freely you can talk about private matters. What makes intimacy through communication difficult is that it requires both parties to be capable of a certain degree of emotional vulnerability. And the path to vulnerability needs to be traveled at a safe and comfortable pace. Go too slow and the relationship stalls; go too fast and you might trigger defensiveness or mistrust. Thus, you can rate the intimacy of a relationship based on how vulnerable you can be with each other.

(2) With respect to intimacy, sharing refers to what two people experience together. The more intense the experiences you've been through together are, the more intimate the relationship tends to be. What makes intimacy through sharing difficult is it requires two people to spend a significant amount of quality time together, which means there has to be a certain level of commitment from both parties. Not enough commitment and the relationship fizzles or it becomes inequitable. Thus, you can rate the intimacy of a relationship based on how many meaningful memories you've experienced together and want to continue to experience together.

When you lay out the definition of intimacy like this, you might feel discouraged because of how hard it sounds. This brings me to an important point: True appreciation and enjoyment of relationships happens during the journey toward deeper intimacy - not at the destination. A relationship can always become more intimate, so there is no real "destination" per se. If you enter into a relationship as though you are relentlessly pursuing "deeper", you can actually come off as having an "ulterior motive" that ends up turning people off.

Caring only about the end result and not the process of getting there is a common trap NJs set for themselves. It is a consequence of being too idealistic and wanting relationships to match up to a false image. Relationship magic cannot happen when your mind is distant, living in some imagined future, and not present with what's happening right now in front of your nose.

For example, some INFJs have said to me that they don't like small talk because it is "shallow". They mentally check out as soon as things don't meet their expectations. This actually reveals that they don't have any genuine interest in people. Rather, they fancy themselves "deep" and merely use people as tools for validation.

Small talk is an important part of the journey of building a relationship because it is an opportunity to express genuine interest in people, which encourages them to invest interest in return. Wanting to skip over the early stages of relationship building means you're basically expecting to get a deep relationship without having to put in the effort to build it. This is unreasonable and increases the chances of relationship failure. (Thinking that one should be able to achieve success without following conventional rules and procedures is a common expression of N arrogance.)

Based on the two points outlined above, there are some things you ought to do to improve your relationship chances, and they go along with Fe development:

(1) Improve your communication skills. Communication is not just exchanging data. Communication is not just goal achievement. Communication is the means through which two people learn about each other and get accustomed to each other.

Most of what is communicated between people is not in the words themselves but in the feelings and emotions that pass back and forth. The biggest factor that influences the way people make relationship decisions is how the other person makes them feel. So, are you aware of how you make people feel and why?

If you're only thinking about the "data" or the "goal", then you're probably not attuned to feelings and thus not attending to them. This is something to be mindful of because having suffered from Ti loop means you aren't as in touch with feelings as is necessary to be a psychologically healthy individual.

Learning how to communicate better also includes understanding the importance of being proactive and taking initiative. You have to seek out good opportunities and extend invitations to people to converse or spend time with you. As you get to know each other, slowly steer the relationship into deeper territory, all the while monitoring if the other person is cooperating.

Some lonely people complain to me that they can't make friends because they aren't interested in the conversations they have with people. It makes me wonder why they don't steer the conversation in the direction they want. Do they just sit there doing nothing as they get talked at? Being too passive is problematic for socializing because things only go one-way instead of both-ways.

How can you tell if relations are getting deeper over time? Look at the content of your communications and evaluate it on a scale from "public" to "private". Are your communications broaching more and more private matters over time? If so, then the relationship is getting closer. If not, then there's distance, and try to figure out why. Maybe the person isn't as interested as you hoped, or maybe you've hit a psychological wall of some kind.

Here is a general outline of how intimacy evolves in stages (including some red flags that indicate further intimacy might not be possible):

i. Open with small talk, usually by reciting generalizations and conveying everyday information. This is a chance to gauge mutual interest and potential compatibility. Conversation is maintained through asking simple factual questions. (Red flags: They are uncooperative or unresponsive. Chalk it up to bad timing or a bad day if you want, but if nothing changes after 2-3 attempts, move along.)

ii. Comfort increases; curiosity shines through. Conversation is maintained through asking open-ended questions that encourage sharing of preferences and opinions. This creates opportunities for interesting and fruitful discussions, though disagreements can arise. (Red flags: They crap on your preferences/opinions for no good reason. You strongly disagree with their preferences/opinions on moral or intellectual grounds.)

iii. Trust increases, so people talk more about their beliefs, values, wants, desires, plans, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. This creates opportunities to encourage or cheer each other on. Conversation usually flows effortlessly and energetically. (Red flags: They put down your ideas, without offering any reasoning or alternative views. Your beliefs+values seem irreconcilable with theirs.)

iv. Closeness increases, so people feel free to express feelings/emotions seriously and earnestly. This creates opportunities for mutual validation. Conversation feels very engaging but may ebb and flow depending on the difficulty of the subject matter. (Red flags: They often invalidate your feelings or imply you are abnormal, without offering any explanation of their perspective or any expression of care about wanting you to feel better. You just can't relate to their perspective on things no matter how hard you try.)

v. Intimacy increases, so people feel safe to open up about things they don't normally reveal, e.g., bad habits, suffering, fears, insecurities, faults, flaws, failures, traumas, etc. This creates opportunities to express mutual empathy and care. Conversation feels supportive and compassionate. (Red flags: They are childishly judgmental or criticize you for things you have already expressed sensitivity about. You lack empathy for their struggles.)

vi. Deep intimacy is achieved when both parties can be completely authentic and honest about what they really need (from each other). This opens up opportunities to honor, strengthen, or renew the bond over the long term. Conversation feels spiritually nourishing and reinforces feelings of closeness and unity. (Red flags: They show no genuine interest in hearing about your needs, let alone helping you fulfill them. You feel the urge to pull away because their needs are too much, unreasonable, or shouldn't be your responsibility.)

Remember: Different people have different intimacy capabilities. The more compatible you are with someone in terms of background and personality, the quicker you can establish intimacy. However, for a variety of legitimate reasons, not everyone is ready or willing to go as deep as you want them to go. Heck, you may not be ready, either. The key is to stay in touch with the realities of the relationship. If opportunities pop up, take them. If opportunities dry up, reassess what role you want the relationship to play in your life. You need a variety of relationships in life, so it's not healthy to think that "every relationship must be deep or else sayonara".

(2) Improve your conflict resolution skills. Generally speaking, healthy INFJs are willing to go above and beyond to make a relationship work. If anything, they need to be mindful about not committing or giving more than others. However, relationship work does not only refer to commitment. The work also refers to the willingness to work through conflict. INFJs are often conflict avoidant and can even get very extreme in taking conflict too seriously - not good.

Relationship conflict is normal, especially as relationships get more intimate and there's more private stuff to run afoul of. I personally don't know one healthy long-term couple that doesn't get into regular arguments. Conflict must be accepted and embraced as an opportunity for two people to align themselves better.

When you first meet someone, you don't know anything about them. Studies have shown that even close friends/lovers don't really know each other as well as they believe they do. At some point, you're bound to overstep or offend by accident, and that's perfectly normal.

What matters most is how you handle conflict. Do you run away? Clam up? Ignore? Deny? Get defensive? Backpedal? Make excuses? Fret and fawn? What you should be doing is communicating authentically and learning important lessons about what to do (or what not to do) in the future. In this way, two unique individuals gradually forge more and more common ground and mutual understanding.

You know a relationship is going well when you're able to work out conflicts without residual resentment and feel stronger for having been through it, even if you had to fumble and stumble. However, not everyone is equally capable of conflict resolution. If you run into problems too often, if problems keep recurring, or if problems remain unresolved for too long, then at some point you have to reassess and reflect on whether the relationship is healthy enough to keep going.

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That post was about INTPs with regard to inferior Fe and lack of regard for one's place in the social world. In case it needs to be said, beware of extrapolating information about inferior Fe and trying to apply it to auxiliary Fe. The two should not be treated the same way.

Although they are the same function, the difference in functional stack position makes a big difference in the perspective one ought to take toward function development. Anyone of any type can experience socializing difficulties, but the underlying reasons behind the difficulties are very different for each type and thus require different approaches.

Yes, in many ways, it is problematic to have a weak sense of self. And, yes, being empty inside means you don't have much to contribute to the world outside. Although this might apply to you, is a weak sense of self really the root problem in your particular case?

A weak sense of self is actually simple to address. All you need to do is start living life more openly, actively, and assertively. It's not very difficult to "contribute". If you are an able-bodied person, there are many worthy causes you could devote yourself to. There are lots of possibilities all around you if you open your eyes and look. Get up and get out into the world. Do things. Participate. Get involved. Experiment. Explore. Take charge. Take on more responsibility.

Through gaining a wide variety of life experiences and learning about yourself from them, you'll gradually forge a stronger sense of self. Adolescence to early adulthood (13-25) is normally the time when people do the bulk of their self building, which is why you generally see teenagers demanding more and more autonomy to live life on their own terms. If you've lived a sheltered life, either because your parents sheltered you or you sheltered yourself, then you are more likely to have a weak sense of self because of not possessing enough worldly experience. It's never to late to start, though.

But you aren't able to implement this simple solution, are you? Why is that? You mention social anxiety, the root of which is usually shame, most likely toxic shame. Shame is a normal and healthy response to falling short of moral ideals, i.e., feeling like a "bad" person prompts you to change your behavior for the better and become a "good" person.

However, toxic shame is about not valuing yourself because other people have, intentionally or not, made you believe that you have no value, perhaps to the point where you believe you are inherently a bad person who can't change. Shame is a more primary concern in your case than weak sense of self, though the two can be related.

The real world mirrors back to you the truth of who you are. Therefore, in order to see yourself, you have to make yourself seen out there in the real world. But the world is an imperfect mirror. If you've been unlucky and encountered too many people throughout life who have made it clear that they don't like what they see when they look at you, it is only natural for you to not like looking at yourself as well. You are not to blame for that.

This raises an interesting question, though. How reliable and valid were those people's perceptions of you? After all, we know that human beings suffer from many kinds of biases and prejudices. Are you certain that the people who have judged you did so objectively and impartially? Are you certain that those people were eminently qualified to appraise you and your worth? You'd better be certain, that is, if you're going to adopt their way of judging you and put yourself down so harshly.

Framing the problem like this, perhaps you can start to see that it goes deeper than Fe. Perhaps it goes all the way down to Se. It is easy to spot INFJs with unhealthy Se. They are usually unwilling or unable to participate in the real world. Why? In the real world, there is no place to hide, so you don't get to indulge the fantasies of unhealthy Ni. You don't get to lie about who you really are. It is safer and more comfortable to live in an insulated world of your own making, where you don't have to hear outside opinions about yourself.

Isn't that what you really mean when you say you've "neglected yourself for a long time"? That you've purposely avoided facing up to reality and, thus, haven't been developing your potential? Perhaps it's time to confront the discomfort you feel in the real world and understand what it's really about? Perhaps it's time for you to grapple very seriously with the question of how you define the worth of a person?

Do you believe that every person you meet has to "contribute" something to you in order for you to consider them worthy of your time and attention? That's a very cold and transactional approach to human relationship, isn't it? If you don't believe that, why would you assume that you must "contribute" something in order to call yourself worthy?

It's easy to spot people who suffer from toxic shame. They behave as though they don't have a right to speak or even a right to exist. Do you believe you have a right to exist in this world? If so, speak up for yourself and take up the space that is rightfully yours. You really want to connect with people? You'll find it difficult as long as you believe you're not a person worth connecting with and that no one would want to connect with you.

You've asked me how to get to know yourself better. I've pointed you to the best path, which is to participate fully in the real world and go through the exciting process of building a life of substance for yourself. Maybe this is the last thing you want to do, but that usually indicates it's the most important thing you have to do.

I probably “intellectualize” a lot generally as I rely a lot on external advice, self-help, researching, psychology, etc. to figure out my problems. I don’t know if this is inherently a bad thing—if I hadn’t found many of psychology’s ideas I definitely would hardly be in a good place. However, every time I do this, I feel guilty or afraid that I’m navel gazing, and uncertain whether I actually am. If I don’t do this, however, I feel intractably stuck. Most of the progress I’ve made relied on my own ‘pure’ judgment in some form, but when I continue to tap into it I start becoming delusional or something, and even more stuck. I will detail my problem now and how this happens when I try to work on it.

I have been trying to be more patient, more resilient, and gain awareness of the thought processes that lead to disappointment. On the way, I realized that one of my major problems was immense frustration whenever something ‘went wrong’. I think this is very related to Ti loop and Se grip. If something doesn’t ‘make sense’ to me or if I don’t know what it means for me—such as someone’s mean comments, negative intentions; what makes certain tasks or activities purposeful; whether I’m choosing a good direction in life—I don’t feel my life (presently) is ‘meaningful’ anymore, that my ‘good’ actions are meaningless things that I am ‘forced’ to do to be well-adjusted. I feel an urge to escape from the situation and move into nihilism, perhaps narrowing my point of attention to a very small point so that I don’t have to think about it all. I want to forget about all of the mess. My unrealistic expectations perhaps pile up when I do this.

For example it so happens that I have poor social skills that often leads people to reject me. Of course, it is unreasonable to expect anyone to like me. But when I tell myself ‘it’s okay if people don’t like me’, my frustrations become extreme; I become provoked, implacable. “Why should it be the case that even if people reject me, they think I’m a bad person just for having emotional issues, make gross assumptions about my behavior, etc. etc.” I often resort to thinking those people are ‘shallow’. And it doesn’t help that in reality, I’m getting increasing amounts of evidence that even decent people can be very shallow. I guess it’s not my business and my interpretation is what matters—my judgmentalness here shows my own struggles. And if I’m being honest I’m rather OK with the rejection per se. What bothers me immensely is that the rejection was based on things that indicated that they were first of all looking out for their own comfort rather than mine, that they blindsided my unrealistic expectations of them. I feel exposed for being so out of touch.

But I’ve attempted to be more in touch with reality often, more realistic, but it doesn’t work. All I can think of telling myself is, ‘you should know that people are shallow’, which doesn’t seem realistic at all; it’s just a blanket statement. Or I tell myself, I should go out for your own enjoyment, not necessarily for genuine connection with others. Or even better that I should be more adaptable, chill, focused on mutual enjoyment. I’ve often gone out with these intentions and ended up being totally lost on what to do, acting even more awkward probably creeping people out. This ties back to that things ‘stop making sense’. Like I don’t understand what’s happening around me; I’m here for enjoyment or I’m trying to be adaptable, what does that mean? How does it tie to what matters to me? Sometimes I figure out in the moment why something matters to me practically and act pretty well, but it requires a lot of mental work and tying together all the complex factors quickly, and it happens rarely (though more frequently as I’ve made some sort of progress). It requires thinking of everything at once. And I’m slow when it comes to things like this. It doesn’t help that I feel very angry when I realize that my ‘slowness’ is the thing that’s leading people to misunderstand and judge me. It feels unfair… and then same thing with this, I try to figure out my unrealistic expectation that the world should be fair and reasonable and defuse it, but now it’s double complicated with the original thing.

Similarly I often struggle with figuring out how to find more meaning and purpose in life. I have many meaningful goals, like helping out my family, making progress in my career, learning good things, solving my emotional problems, building a social support system, becoming a better person. I don’t actively feel hopeless as long as I don’t touch on my blindspots too much. But when I try to grow more it comes crumbling down. Like I’ll become disappointed that I think so much about external rewards when it comes to my career. It is pretty clear that I want to be validated for the work I do and it often motivates me, I wonder if a bit too much. But instead of addressing this directly, my mind commonly becomes a mess noticing; I go on internal monologues about how it’s so unfair that I’ve to lose social validation and be judged if I did more meaningful work, or that the industry I work in suffers so many issues, on and on and on until I’ve formed a full internal narrative about how the world sucks.

Anyway, I suspect a window into this issue comes when I try to work on it. I’ll try to make mental models of when my emotions get triggered, what are the ‘underlying issues’ (emotional intelligence, denial, etc.), but if I don’t actively resist by feeling sleepy and detached, I become very frustrated, intellectualize, start reading psychology or researching abstract things like ‘how to solve emotional problems’ lol. I suspect I actually do it right a lot of the time, except with immense self-doubt that interferes with learning. I’ll tell myself, why am I learning about emotions, I should be just doing what I need to do to grow. Also, very often I don’t know where to look or how to interpret what I read, making me more confused. And when I try to ‘handle it myself’, telling myself I myself know what’s best for me, I resort to just ‘powering through’ my frustration, which doesn’t work very well. Either way, my frustrations and underlying hopelessness pile up and I give into some sort of weird entertainment or falling asleep.

I think if I were able to think more clearly and prevent my messy mind I’d be far more efficient. Yet this thought itself triggers me! I become afraid, throughout history, people didn’t really have access to psychology and stuff, or to modern scientific / critical thinking courses, do I not have the resources to handle myself? Am I avoiding or evading my problems? Also, isn’t ‘intellectual development’ going to make my detachment worse? Isn’t Ti loop a problem? I have a lot of evidence now that I should just bite the bullet and work on the critical thinking related to properly sorting out my mind. To be fair I do often start doing this; I’d crack open a book, Google things, or think about my issues more systematically. The anxiety is usually quite extreme though and I don’t learn for long. Sometimes, when I get frustrated or upset I’ll do things that are obviously useless, like Google very very specific questions as if I'm talking to some human expert, lol.

Anyway, you can see how messy and divided my thoughts are here. I guess I would just appreciate some help clearing my confusion and making sense of what is happening to me. I suspect the main issue to prioritize is my pattern / habit of not being able to work through problems patiently. But I’ve thought so for a while and it’s not helped too much, so there's clearly something I'm missing. I’m afraid I'm wasting time digging on this when I could be living a more meaningful and fulfilling life. Sorry this got long, and thank you so much! I am always stunned by your knowledge and insight.

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In a nutshell: Almost all the thought patterns you've described are characteristic of Ni-Ti loop, with a few examples of Se grip sprinkled in. When tertiary loop exhibits such a prominent role in your psychology, it is a clear indication that there is a serious problem happening with dominant and auxiliary function development.

You've learned enough type theory to accurately identify some unhealthy thought patterns and try to apply a "fix", but you still don't have enough self-awareness to catch the majority of them, so it's easy for you to get swept away by them.

It's obvious you're trying your best to work though your issues, but your best isn't good enough sometimes. If it pains you to hear that, it means you are not in touch with reality. It is a reality for everyone that life cannot only be made up of successes.

The best way to build a strong and healthy sense of self is to realize your potential. The first key point you're missing is that potential isn't only realized through building yourself up for success; a significant portion of human potential lies dormant, waiting to be mined, in every single one of your mistakes and failures. If things don't work out for you, keep trying until you finally become smart/skilled enough to get it right. (This is the Ni component of the problem.)

You are essentially denying yourself very valuable opportunities to realize your potential because of trying to escape or deny the things you don't like about reality. To have "unrealistic expectations" means you always expect things to go perfectly for you. You basically walk around as though you are entitled to perfection from everyone and everything, as though you are owed everything your heart desires. This kind of unreasonably impatient attitude is toddler mentality. Is it not the epitome of egocentric thinking? Unfortunately, this leads you to suffer constantly from self-inflicted disappointments and frustrations.

If living life well were as simple and straightforward as your "unrealistic expectations" make you believe, then we would all be doing it, wouldn't we? You call others "shallow" when your own thinking barely skims the surface of how complicated human life really is. This kind of hypocrisy is characteristic of Ti loop, of a mind that is unable to detect its own errors.

One obvious sign of Ti misuse is the tendency to criticize others as a means to deflect disapproval of oneself. No, it is NOT a "fact" that the majority of people are shallow; this is a value judgment that you came to just because a few people didn't live up to your subjective expectations of them. One of the first lessons they teach you in critical thinking courses is how to tell the difference between facts and values.

Ti loop is insidious because it makes you overconfident that everything you believe is "fact" and thus unassailable. Invincibility feels nice, right? Unfortunately, it is actually just imperviousness to facts. As I explained in a previous post, tertiary loop is tempting and addicting because it allows you to reside in a mental space where you are never wrong. But that constitutes a denial of reality, which is precisely what makes one delusional in the long run.

Tertiary loop is an ego defense mechanism. People use defense mechanisms to avoid facing up to inconvenient, unpleasant, or uncomfortable truths. Instead of using Ti as it is meant to be used - to examine and vet one's own judgment transparently - looping INFJs use Ti to invent "truths" that are more convenient and comfortable to believe in.

Ti misuse in FJs often manifests as shifting around blame by telling cause-and-effect "stories" that patly explain the motivations behind undesirable behavior. Your story of choice uses "shallowness" as the main theme... which means you are the only special "deep" one in the world, yes? Another aspect of "unrealistic expectations" is walking around believing that everyone should be like you or else they are inferior.

Unfortunately, these stories ultimately bring you nothing but a false sense of power, a momentary ego boost. You really showed those people who rejected you by calling them "shallow", right? No, nothing was achieved and no problem was resolved. If anything, it made you less willing to open up and socialize, which only serves to hamper future Fe development. If one doesn't take tertiary loop seriously, one starts to spiral deeper into it, getting further and further away from healthy development.

The first step for ending tertiary loop is to admit that your way of thinking is wrong. If you can't do that, if you're too addicted to the mere feeling of being right, then you'll continue the slow descent into self-loathing. I can't tell you how many INFJs have said to me that therapy didn't work for them because they couldn't handle the therapist implying that their thinking was flawed. Some of them even knew they were wrong but still weren't willing to give up the comfort of faulty beliefs.

For someone who struggles so much internally, it's surprising that so little of what you wrote was devoted to feelings and emotions. It's actually not surprising, though, because defense mechanisms are used for the precise purpose of covering them up.

Underneath the thick web of Ti stories and rationalizations is a boiling cauldron full of negative feelings and emotions, right? Though you keep trying to intellectualize them away, they are still there. And the more you try to intellectualize them away, the hotter they boil. What's in the cauldron? Anxiety, loneliness, alienation, guilt, shame, sadness, anger, disgust, resentment, rage, hatred... what else?

What happens with Se grip is that those buried emotions get the better of you, so you lose control of yourself, and your mind behaves as though it doesn't belong to you. To improve your emotional intelligence requires you to finally take ownership of your emotions.

The second key point you're missing is that as long as you're unwilling to deal directly with your feelings and emotions, you'll need defense mechanisms, basically forced to do all manner of mental gymnastics to escape feeling bad. This is the origin of Ni-Ti loop. You're trying to get away from the reality of yourself and how you feel like a shameful social failure, so you have to invent stories and excuses to soothe yourself. And in the moments you are aware of the fakery, you feel even worse about yourself for being a fraud. (This is the Fe component of the problem.)

What's so wrong with allowing yourself to feel, especially when not allowing it leaves you worse off? Are you not human? It fucking hurts to get rejected, so cry about it. It fucking hurts to feel lonely, so cry about it. It fucking hurts to fall down, so cry about it. And once you're done crying, get on with life. Is that not preferable to getting totally lost in a mental maze of harmful and hateful stories?

Do you really want to be a more realistic person, since chronic loop indicates otherwise? Start by facing up to the reality of yourself and learn to accept what you see. Yes, people suck sometimes and the world sucks sometimes, but so do you, because you're a part of the world - stop pretending otherwise. You may not have the power to make the world suck less, but you absolutely have the power to make yourself suck less.

You can always change your part of the world through being a better member of it, through making better choices - this is the spirit of Fe. "Choosing" tertiary loop means choosing to believe that change isn't possible, that change isn't good, or that change is unnecessary. And where does that leave you, as Ni dominant who needs change to make meaningful progress in life?