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Self-actualization is the process of realizing and fulfilling one’s full potential, encompassing personal growth, authenticity, and the development of one’s abilities.
Self-Actualization in Transgender Women
'Self-actualization for transgender women often involves the process of integrating one’s authentic gender identity into all aspects of life, overcoming societal stigma, and reclaiming personal agency. This journey is shaped by both internal and external factors, including gender dysphoria, internalized transphobia, and social marginalization.
The Path to Self-Actualization
Research and lived narratives describe a gender trajectory from self-discovery to self-acceptance, which can be broken into stages:
Self-discovery: Recognizing and affirming one’s gender identity.
Disclosure: Sharing this identity with trusted individuals.
Socialization: Navigating societal reactions and building supportive networks.
Self-identification: Formally aligning one’s identity with legal, medical, and social records.
Self-acceptance: Living authentically without internal conflict.
Each stage can involve psychological trauma such as gender dysphoria, suppression of identity, and repeated stigmatization.
Overcoming Stigma and Dysphoria
Social stigma—negative attitudes and stereotypes toward gender nonconformity—can severely restrict opportunities and self-expression. For many transgender women, this stigma is compounded by gender dysphoria, which can lead to distress if not addressed through affirming support. Transitioning—whether medical, social, or both—can be a key step toward reducing dysphoria and aligning lived experience with identity.
Role of Support and Affirmation
Affirming environments, whether familial, community-based, or clinical, are critical. Gender-affirming therapy and supportive relationships help individuals shed cultural baggage rooted in transphobia and embrace their authentic selves. Personal narratives, such as those in memoirs and poetry, often highlight resilience, self-assertion, and the pursuit of dignity as central to self-actualization.'
Self-actualization for transgender women is the integration of authentic identity into all life domains.
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~ A story about a hallucination becoming a man and a man who can finally become a woman ~
Summary: Kolt is taking it easy, staying back, playing it safe. Watcher and Gambler might be satisfied with that, but Beater is a hallucination of actions. Or perhaps a man. Thing have been changing since he left Kolt behind, and he is becoming more and more real by the day. So, what does a hallucination turned man do with his life? Infiltrating and taking down a corrupt institution practicing a modern form of slavery sounds like enough excitement to get him through the month. Just wait till he learns what real pain feels like.
Meanwhile, Cedar has been living in her own world of pain, trying to hide what she is as she survives in a program designed to destroy every part of her that matters.
Masterlist - Chapter 2
Content: Institutionalized living weapons, trans character having to hide who she is for her safety, panic attack, controlled sleep schedules
Cedar closed herself in a closet, well after she had lost W2#07 in the halls. She slid to the floor, back to the door, and buried her head in her arms, biting into her knee to try and keep from crying out.
"I could have sworn he said sister, not brother."
Somehow, some way, W2#07 knew about Kam. Somehow he knew that Kam had a sister.
Had Kam been taken into the Resource Program? How else would W2#07 know about Kam? Where else could he have possibly talked to her brother. This wasn't fair. This wasn't right.
She needed to get her brother out. The idea of him being trapped here the program right along with her made her sick to her stomach.
She wanted to scream and cry. There were tears that wanted to fight their out and there was breath caught in her chest, but she couldn't let it out. She had to hide. She couldn't let her emotions get the better of her here. She was stronger than that.
She swallowed hard, trying to control her breathing, trying to calm down from the panic attack she had worked herself into as her heart beat loudly in her ears. She didn't have time for this. She would need to make sure that she was ready for lights out. She had to be ready to take the punishment that Orin had in store for her. She was a leader. She was stronger than this. She had trained herself for this.
She took more controlled breaths, her nails digging into her shin as she let the slight sting ground her. Then, she reached out to stroke the objects in the cupboard, forcing her mind to work and figure out what she was touching in the darkness.
That was certainly a mop next to it's bucket, this had to be a container of some sort of chemical, and that.... Cedar wasn't sure what it was.
She slowly calmed down as she touched the object, trying to sort out what it was until she realized it was a stapler.
That made her laugh a little.
Finally, feeling ready to face what was ahead, she got up and opened the door to the closet, stepping out in time to see a small stream of trainees coming around the corner.
They did not laugh or talk. She could see they wanted to talk with one another, but it was clear that they were not allowed to. Some of them were wearing gags or even muzzles, probably from breaking some rule of silence. Cedar never had to wear any such device, as she had been very well behaved, but some of the others had. She remembered the last of her group, designation W4#20, often had to wear them for a few weeks because when he panicked, he panicked loud.
The muzzles never made it better, though. She always got the sense that he already had trauma around gags. Maybe that was why he was forced to wear them so often. The trainers had sensed that weakness and exploited it. What was his name? The one he wanted to go by?
Cedar gently scratched the scar on the side of her head where she had been chipped before coming up with it. Waylon, that was it. He had admitted to her that he had some sort of medical condition that kept him from being anything but dead last in their group. Hence the 20 in his designation.
Cedar shook those memories off as the last of the teenagers went past and she stalked down the hall to where she knew the rooms for her team would be.
Of course, the first person she saw was W2#07. He was sitting on a top bunk, working on his report, his tongue stuck out a little between his teeth. She could tell he was glancing down at someone else's report every so often before nodding and muttering himself and continuing to work on his.
She thought about reprimanding him for this sort of cheating, but he knew something about her. He knew her brother somehow. She needed to get on his good side for long enough to get that information out of him, so she let him be.
She checked the clock and said, "Lights out in 30."
There was a general sigh from the group. No one complained, everyone wanted to go to bed after all, but they all knew that they did not have enough time to get ready for bed and finish their reports so they would all have to get up early, which was worse than just staying up late to finish the reports.
Cedar was trying to decide if she should even start her report or expect to write hers in blood with Orin.
Why she ever let anyone put her in charge, she had no idea.
She sighed and went to her bunk, standing in front of her bed where her bag was still packed.
What was the point of unpacking it? She wouldn’t have time to really enjoy sleeping tonight. She pulled it off the bunk and shoved it under the bed before going to the bathroom.
Everyone was scrambling to get their reports done before it was time for lights out, so she had it to herself.
She put her hands on either side of the sink and stared at herself in the mirror.
A dark skinned man stared back at her with stubble in desperate need of shaving and hair that was just a little longer than regulation. She stared and stared, trying to fine Leslie behind that face somewhere, but there was just this man who was tired and bruised and uncaring that the sight of him made her feel sick.
She shook her head and went back into the shared room for her dopp kit so she could shave. If she was going to be beaten tonight, she wasn't going to be dealing with stubble at the same time.
As she finished wiping her face up, she looked into the mirror to see W2#07 standing there, watching her with interest. He was just as interested in her as she was interested in him. There were cameras in the bathroom, however, so neither of them could speak. There was no privacy to be had as a Resource. You were property from the moment someone signed your name to the Program.
W2#07 folded his arms and leaned against the wall. "So, why the name Cedar?"
That was a deeply personal question for a Resource. You could never go by your birth or preferred name, and the designations were often confusing, especially in the heat of the moment. The name you chose for yourself was personal and sensitive.
Cedar didn't plan on telling anyone where she chose her name from.
"Where did you get yours?" she asked.
She didn't expect him to respond.
"I got that one because it's all I want to do. All I want to do is fight people, make them bleed. I want to sink my fists and teeth into flesh," Beater said with relish. There was a feral look about his eyes, a place where humanity went to die, but then it faded back and was replaced by a thoughtful, human look. "But I did want to apologize, for what it's worth. You're not someone I should take it out on."
Cedar turned to face him fully instead of looking at him through the mirror. "And why is that?"
Beater just raised an eyebrow at that.
She gritted her teeth for a moment before she asked the question she had been dying to ask him since those fateful words left his mouth.
"Is he safe?"
"Yes," Beater said with a half shrug. "Safe as houses."
Cedar relaxed slightly. That was good. Really good. She had been so afraid he was a Resource, but no Resource would ever call another safe. Not really.
She wished she could ask where he was. Or how Beater knew, but this was not the place for that kind of questioning.
Beater took three steps forward to close the gap, patted her shoulder, and turned, leaving the bathroom.
He had left a note under the collar of her shirt.
She cleaned up the sink, packed her things away, aware of the scratchy paper against her skin, and then went back to the main room.
She was careful as she put her kit away, slipping the note under it with her things. She couldn't read it now. She would get to it later. She would have to go soon. It was almost-
"Lights out!" someone called down the hall and people scrambled to get in bed before all of the lights shut off.
She stood in the darkness, listening to the last of the shuffling around her before she went to stand by the door.
Sure enough, the door opened and someone with a flashlight blinded her for a brief moment.
"Manager wants to see you."
Cedar nodded and followed the Resource out.
The door closed behind her on the room of Resources settling down for the night and she went to her doom in the darkness.
They did not go to Orin's office. They went to one of the small training rooms where Cedar did not have to knock as the door was already half open.
She stepped inside where the lights were on and did not see Orin, but she went to stand in the middle of the room, her legs shoulder width apart, her arms folded behind her back, and she waited.
It was not a wait she appreciated. It really made her think about the Resources she lost, the ones who were injured, and the pain that would be met out for that waste of time and training on weapons that were now decommissioned.
It also made her think about Kam and Beater and that note that was waiting for her to get back and read it. She really needed to read that note. Maybe it would explain how Beater knew Kam. Why he was so strange. How he had access to the outside world.
But this all could be a trick. Beater could have been planted by the higher ups to test Cedar, and if that was the case, Cedar was failing that test badly. Badly enough that she might need to be retrained. She had not been retrained before but she had seen what it could do to a Resource. To Resources in her own group and her own batch.
There was a soft creak behind her as the door opened. Orin always loved to enter behind Resources. Resources were trained to hate having their backs to exits, and every manager knew that and preyed on that trained instinct.
"You're here," Orin said softly. "Good. We have a lot to go over, W4#01."
Chapter 4
A.N. - Yup, that's right, new posting schedule, lolol. I think y'all will get either one or two chapters each weekend cause there's more time and I don't have to stress myself out during the work week making sure I post after work and errands. We'll see how this goes. And, man, I adore Cedar. I heccin LOVE her! Please leave a comment if you are so inclined. I wanna know what you think so far :3
~ A story about a hallucination becoming a man and a man who can finally become a woman ~
Summary: Kolt is taking it easy, staying back, playing it safe. Watcher and Gambler might be satisfied with that, but Beater is a hallucination of actions. Or perhaps a man. Thing have been changing since he left Kolt behind, and he is becoming more and more real by the day. So, what does a hallucination turned man do with his life? Infiltrating and taking down a corrupt institution practicing a modern form of slavery sounds like enough excitement to get him through the month. Just wait till he learns what real pain feels like.
Meanwhile, Cedar has been living in her own world of pain, trying to hide what she is as she survives in a program designed to destroy every part of her that matters.
Masterlist - Chapter 1
Content: Institutionalized living weapons, trans character having to hide who she is for her safety, implied threats for later violence, scuffle between main characters
Cedar stood rigidly outside of Orin Matthew's office. She wasn't very sure where they were exactly. They had left the main city of Crestlen and drove a ways out through the fields and small forested areas that served as Crestlen's agricultural area. Then they were out in land that was too rocky and badly graded for farming.
At some point they were given hoods to wear and then there was just darkness and the muffled chatter of Resources trying not to feel like they were cattle being driven right to the slaughterhouse.
It was training facility, Cedar knew. They had seen young Resources in the yard before the teens were shooed away back indoors. The Resources were showed a place they could change out of their gear and into their yard outfits, but Cedar had made her way straight to Orin's office.
She always knew where Orin's office was. No matter where they ended up, he chose an office on the middle floor of the building, no windows, and the room number contained a number 5. Every time.
This time it was room 15 on the second floor.
Cedar reached out and knocked, steeling her nerves.
There was 2 seconds of silence, like always, and then Orin said, "Come in."
Cedar opened the door and closed it, coming to stand in front of Orin at attention.
Orin looked her over, slowly and carefully. He had such a distinct face, but Cedar could never place where he was from. That wasn't uncommon, though. Most people were racially mixed, but you could usually guess where their parents came from generally before the MAD event forced everyone into such close proximity 800 years ago, if you had read enough history and seen enough pictures of what people looked like before the MAD event.
But Orin had a distinctly racially ambiguous face that was unlike any face Cedar had seen before. Sometimes she wondered if it was done cosmetically to purposefully create a sort of uncanny valley feeling. Or maybe that was just her bias from knowing what he was and what he could do to her.
He could really, really make her suffer.
"Sir," Cedar said softly when he made no move to start the meeting.
He nodded and said, "You did well."
Cedar tried not to show her surprise, but she must have failed because Orin laughed, low and soft.
"Most Resources in your position would have failed. You would have all been killed or captured. Instead, you kept your head and got everyone out."
Cedar nodded slowly and said, "W2#07 is mostly to thank for that, sir."
"Don't attribute wins to others that you could easily pass off as your own," Orin said sharply.
Cedar simply gave a nod. "Yes, sir."
Orin got up from his desk with a sigh. He came around the desk to stand right in front of Cedar. He was just a little shorter than Cedar, maybe an inch, but Cedar still felt like he was towering over her.
Orin looked her up and down. "You would make a good team leader one day, you know. You have a ways to go, but I know you will be everything I need you to be."
Right up until the point I can tear out your throat and escape, Cedar thought to herself sharply.
Orin smiled, almost like he could hear Cedar's thoughts. "You will be paying for the lives that were lost under your watch, however."
"I understand, sir," Cedar said.
"I will come get you at lights out to serve out your punishment."
Cedar nodded, recognizing this as the dismissal that it was and turned to leave the office.
"Oh, and tell the rest to wait for me in the yard when they're done changing."
Cedar nodded again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Beater, who had quite the time of figuring out how one got in and out of clothing and was glad to pawn off his struggling as just being injured, waited in line with everyone else as the sun started to inch down toward the horizon. He didn't really know what time it was, but he was surprised it was already so late. He guessed that it had taken them a minute to get out of the labs and that it had been quite the drive to reach this... wherever they were, but still.
Beater was quite content, however. He watched the sun go down, enjoyed the breeze on his neck, listened to the people breathing in line, and matched his breathing to theirs. He relished in every detail of it. He even loved how his feet faintly ached for how long they had been standing out here, waiting. Everything was a joy now that he was free and separating himself from Kolt.
Beater smiled to himself, his lips twitching around the scar hidden as an injury. He wondered what it would be like to have hallucinations at his beck and call. Based on the way he was created, he assumed that one day he would be able to manage some on his own. He knew he would be a more effectual host than Kolt. Heck, Beater was almost certain he had the energy to summon Kolt as a hallucination rather than the other way round.
Beater amused himself with that thought for a minute until a door opened and a man with cropped black hair and almond eyes came out into the yard from behind. He walked slowly around to stand in front of them, eyeing each and every one of them. His eyes lingered on Beater, cataloging his injuries.
Beater did his best to keep his face neutral, but he eyed the man in just the same way.
He had an old foot injury. Beater could tell.
Beater inwardly frowned, and then realized he could feel Watcher hovering on the edge of his vision, watching everyone and everything.
What are you doing here? Beater tried to ask, but the connection between them was too weak, and then Watcher was gone. Beater got the feeling that Watcher didn't get much from the brief moment he was here beyond the insight into that man's old injury, which he had passed on to Beater.
Thanks, Beater thought toward Watcher, wherever he was, before he concentrated on the man who was still staring everyone down silently.
"Well done on making it out alive," the man said. "We are waiting to get in contact with Harry and Co Labs to get your next assignment. In the meantime you will stay here. We have cleared out a set of dorms for you lot and you will be expected to be up at regular time to train. You may also be asked to train up some of the RITs in here. You will do so without sabotaging the training paths they are currently on."
"Yes, sir," everyone barked at the same time.
Beater was glad the guy wasn't looking at him when they did so as he didn't manage to speak the words along with everyone else. He needed to get with the program quick. He didn't want to be caught out just yet.
Beater reached deep for Kolt's memories for when he was in the Hero Training Program. Those felt like they would be a good pattern for what was going on here.
"I also want a written report of everything that happened during your mission yesterday," the man said. "On my desk by 5 AM."
Beater wrinkled his nose. He had been looking forward to finding out if he could sleep. Plus he wasn't even there for half of the mission. That was annoying.
"You're dismissed," he said, before pacing off. He was good at hiding his issue with his foot.
Beater huffed, annoyed and glanced around. The leader of the group had a distant expression on his face, clearly not looking forward to something. He was not the toughest looking guy in the yard, but he seemed the most well rounded. Beater considered him for a long moment before casually making his way over.
The leader's attention snapped to him, the W4#01 clearly printed into his clothing.
"Heyla," Beater said casually.
A tall pale man stepped forward defensively, as did the woman with him.
"No need for that," Beater said, unphased. He had faced off with much worse. Well, maybe not much worse. He didn't have much life experience, but he was certain he could take these two on if he had to despite being on the shorter side now. "I just needed to talk to W4#01 over here for a mo."
The two glanced at the leader who nodded.
"I'm Beater," he said.
The leader gave him a sharp look. "That's quite the name."
Beater shrugged.
"Have you earned it?"
Beater, depressingly, hadn't felt like he had, but he got the sense that would change soon enough. He shrugged again.
The leader considered him before saying, "I'm Cedar."
A wave of confusion hit Beater. He'd heard that name before. No, Kolt had. From that Depletion kid. But Beater had been pretty sure Cedar was a woman? He knew Kolt called Cedar Depletion's sister at some point. He could taste it in the memories he was borrowing from Kolt.
His hesitation was clear as the woman leaned forward and said, "You got a problem with that?"
"No," Beater said. "Just... thought I'd heard of you, but..." Beater looked a little closer, but no. Nothing had changed. He needed to get Cedar alone to ask a question or two. "Look, I have something private to ask you, if you don't mind. No funny business, I just need to confirm something while there aren't so many people looking."
"Whatever you want to say, you can say in front of these two," Cedar said sharply.
Beater wasn't Watcher. He wasn't all knowing about people's weaknesses or previous names or pasts, but he could tell when someone was hiding something.
"I don't think I can," Beater said. His tone was strange, even to him. Lighter, wispier.
Cedar raised an eyebrow, glanced at the other two and then made some sort of signal.
The two frowned at him and backed off as Cedar gestured for Beater to follow.
They made their way out of the yard and into the main building. Cedar found them an empty classroom, closing the door.
There was a moment of silence before Cedar struck like a snake, grabbing Beater and shoving him down across a desk.
Faint pain sparked in his newly made body, but he paid it no mind as he twisted, rolling like fog out of Cedar's grip.
Cedar snarled as Beater thrust himself up, planting his shoulder in Cedar's stomach.
Cedar fell back and Beater found the violence singing to him, filling his throat like good water. He couldn't help himself as he slammed his fist down into Cedar's cheek, watching his head snap to the side before grabbing Cedar by both shoulders and pinning him there.
They panted for a moment, Cedar subtly shifting to find a way out of his position.
"Do you have a brother?"
Cedar froze, a little color draining from his brown skin. "How-"
"Mmm... could have sworn he said sister, not brother," Beater said. "Unless there's another Resource named-"
Cedar surged upward, slamming a hand across Beater's mouth, glancing at the corner.
Beater followed his gaze and realized there was a camera.
Beater nodded, indicating he wouldn't speak anything more of it.
Cedar slowly let go of Beater's mouth and Beater got up, offering a hand to Cedar.
Then, Cedar left. Beater tried to follow, but Cedar was fast and obviously knew these halls better than Beater did so he just got very lost.
He stood in a hallway that looked just like all of the others and huffed. So, that was the correct Cedar... probably. Or not. And he didn't trust Beater, that was clear.
Beater shook his head, turning his mind to the other task at hand. Which was stealing someone's report at some point to figure out how it was supposed to be formatted and what happened before he took over as W2#07. He wanted to at least figure out what was up with Cedar before he went around revealing himself and fighting a presumably glorious battle against whatever leadership there was to be found around here.
Chapter 3
A.N. - THEM THEM THEM!!! Things are not going well in the friend making department here. This environment is intent on forcing them to mistrust one another, and Cedar has grown to become very very distrusting over everyone around her because she is terrified of being found out. But, man, I just want them to be friends right off the bat, lolol
~ A story about a hallucination becoming a man and a man who can finally become a woman ~
Summary: Kolt is taking it easy, staying back, playing it safe. Watcher and Gambler might be satisfied with that, but Beater is a hallucination of actions. Or perhaps a man. Thing have been changing since he left Kolt behind, and he is becoming more and more real by the day. So, what does a hallucination turned man do with his life? Infiltrating and taking down a corrupt institution practicing a modern form of slavery sounds like enough excitement to get him through the month. Just wait till he learns what real pain feels like.
Meanwhile, Cedar has been living in her own world of pain, trying to hide what she is as she survives in a program designed to destroy every part of her that matters.
Masterlist
Content: Living weapons, injuries, fighting, guns, mentions of dead characters
See, the most annoying thing about being a hallucination is that your whole identity is tied up in the guy that was hallucinating you into existence. That gets tired real quick. Especially when all you want to do is fight and experience things and really get your knuckles bloody, and the guy you're tied to is terrified of getting into any more fights.
Beater was tired of it. He wanted to go out and get things done. He wanted to cause problems and learn about things on his own. He wanted to get into trouble without anyone dragging him back to heel. He might be a hallucination, but he was still a person... he was pretty sure.
That was the other thing about being a hallucination. It was hard to see where you ended and that other guy started. It was hard to figure out just how real you were at the end of the day when you knew you weren't in some capacity.
So, of course Beater wandered off when the infiltration of Harry and Co Labs started. Everyone in the Dragon Gang was so intent on blocking exits and finding Gale and that vigilante, so it was easy for Beater to slip away. All of Kolt's focus was on Watcher, anyway. No one would care if Beater wandered through the halls and found a couple of guys to fight.
Beater caught sight of movement down at the end of the hall and broke into a sprint, heading straight for the trouble.
The scientist glanced back and panicked upon seeing a man running down toward him. The scientist screamed, high pitched and animal like.
Beater made quick work of the man, leaving him bloody on the floor.
"Boring," Beater muttered, rolling his eyes. He had hoped to come across a couple of guards. Maybe some of them would come to investigate the screams?
Beater wouldn't be that lucky.
With an annoyed sigh, Beater kept exploring.
The place had cleared out fast. Anyone who hadn't managed to escape were probably fighting at one of the blocked exits to escape. But maybe some people would come flooding back through the halls like trapped rats looking for another way out.
Beater licked his lips and rolled his shoulders, eventually poking through the labs themselves in case there was anything interesting to look at or learn before he had to go back to Kolt.
He rolled his eyes at the thought of Kolt. What a loser.
He had wandered through a handful of labs before he found something that caught his attention. He slowed by a counter with a laptop open to a half written paper about Heraline reproduction.
"How stupid is this," he muttered, ready to be amused by whatever buzz word slop he was about to read. Everyone claimed to know something about the Heralines, the aliens that had visited the planet before the MAD event about 800 years ago. Everyone was certain they knew how those creatures reproduced amongst each other or how their society really was. It was really stupid. Beater was familiar with all of Kolt's memories that had to do with dealing with Heraline obsessed lunatics.
He skimmed the page for just a moment, his smile slowly slipping from his face.
There is a lot of speculation in the scientific community about Heralines in general with most of our knowledge of them lost during the MAD event. We have been forced to reverse engineer what a Heraline truly is from the contaminated DNA that can be found in Powered individuals.
One thing we can only theorize about is how they reproduce. Stories that remain from before the MAD event often refer to Heralines that were not quite real.
Beater stared at those last five words. He grabbed the laptop off the counter, holding it on one of his arms and scrolling desperately. Words flew by his widening eyes.
Hallucination like beings.... born from the mind.... maturation process....
And then this:
We have been able to mimic these beings in Powered individuals ranked higher than an 8 in Power level. These hallucinations are typically fleeting. It is believed that the strength of the mind needed to create a hallucination is more than the average mind can provide. Still, this is exciting-
"I don't care," Beater snarled. "I don't care! How do I become my own person!?"
He nearly scrolled passed the paragraph he needed.
It is believed that the hallucination, after maturing for a period of time dependent on the strength of the host, will feel the urge to leave their host more and more. They will finish their maturation process, presumably, after living away from the host for long enough. Though if this step is taken too soon-
Beater slammed the laptop down, too excited to put it down gently. He paced in a circle, feeling slightly feral. He was breathing too hard. Hard enough that he could actually feel air moving slightly through his nose. Was it too soon? If it was too soon he could die. Disappear forever. He didn't know what came after for normal people, never mind what happened to.... whatever he was.
He bit his knuckle, trying to think through the volatile emotions he always had to deal with. He couldn't stand being around Kolt anymore. He wanted his own life. He didn't know what he would do, but anything would be better than this.
At the end of the day, Beater was a hallucination of action.
He read through a couple of the paragraphs one more time, and then he rushed out of the lab.
He was free. He was free!
He didn't know what to do.
It was a little overwhelming to consider, but Beater didn't let that stop him. The thing was, even though Kolt was boring, the Dragon Gang and their goals weren't. The idea of tearing down an institution just because they were doing things you didn't like was exciting. Beater didn't have much of an opinion on the Resources themselves, but he was intrigued by the idea of helping to topple the program anyway. He knew that there were supposed to be Resources around here. The spies the Dragon gang had indicated that there had been a group ordered to the labs, so they had to be around here somewhere if they hadn't already escaped.
Beater didn't really have a plan. He never did. He just stopped in one of the labs, found a fire escape map, and read it over until he found one of the security rooms.
He sprinted down the halls as the sounds of distant fighting and shouting reached him, making him vibrate with the need to put his fist through someone's face.
He panted as he reached a security room, and put his violent energy into slamming his shoulder through the door.
"YES!" Beater crowed as he proved to be solid enough to break down the door. "That's what I'm talking about!"
He scrambled into the seat in front of a wall of screens showing different parts of the buildings. He grabbed the mouse, reaching out for Kolt's knowledge of security systems to go through everything.
He saw scientists, screaming and terrified as they tried to escape through the lower levels, he saw Kolt dragging Gale back down through the halls to safety, and he saw the fights breaking out between the guards and the invading Dragon Gang/EVU forces.
He grinned at the violence, allowing himself to watch one idiot get pummeled from three different directions before he continued scrolling.
Finally, he found what he was looking for.
"There you are," he mumbled to himself as he watched a small, tight knit group make their way through the hall. They were being led by a dark skinned individual with the identification code 'W4#01' on his shoulder.
The leader looked back at the group, making sure they were all together trying to reach another exit.
Beater could already tell that the exit was blocked.
He got to his feet and ran again.
He laughed to himself at the joy of it. He had never felt so free. He could go do what he wanted. He could be what he wanted and Kolt wouldn't be able to tell him what to do. He could just be.
He turned a corner, slowing as he approached the group of Resources and realizing that he didn't really have a plan.
He frowned to himself before shaking his head. He would figure it out. After all, he was free. He didn't really need a plan. He could do whatever he wanted right now, and that meant he could throw himself into a situation and figure out what he wanted from it as he went.
The sounds of fighting got louder and louder ahead, and Beater crouched, making his way quietly along the wall. He made himself invisible as someone came around the corner, shouting back over their shoulder.
He kept moving, just watching.
He peeked around the corner to see the group of Resources fighting against the vigilantes that were holding the exit. Some of the Resources lay dead or injured on the ground.
"Retreat!" the leader called as he shot at the vigilantes, laying cover fire before he followed the rest of the Resources down the hall.
There was silence for a moment as the vigilantes watched, though they didn't give chase.
"I hate having to do that," one vigilante, a tall blonde man, said. "They weren't meant to be here."
"Brainwashed or not, they would have killed us," said a brunette woman with the longest hair Beater had ever seen. "Hopefully the Dragon Gang can capture the rest of them. They have the right experience for dealing with all of that."
The blonde nodded and sighed softly. "Alright. Let's grab these guys so we can get their bodies back to their families."
"Optimistic," the brunette said. "They're here because they don't have families."
The blonde nodded mournfully.
Beater watched as the group started to clean up the bodies, hauling them out the door to... somewhere. What did people do with dead bodies?
Beater started to get memories of funerals that Kolt had been to and shut them out. He had been asking rhetorically, he didn't actually care.
He scanned the bodies on the floor, as an idea came to him. These Resources would never be seen again. The vigilantes probably wouldn't announce their deaths and there would be no family members to question any that miraculously survived.
Beater grinned as he spotted one body in particular. It was a little shorter than he liked, but otherwise they had the same frame and a face that Beater wouldn't mind having for the rest of his life.
He concentrated, focusing on the face, on the size, on the shape, and he internalized it, imagining himself as that. If he was born in the same way that Heralines were, then surely he could affect the way that he looked with his own imagination and the strength of his own mind.
Lastly, he memorized the guy's identification tag just as the vigilantes came back for the body, and then Beater slunk away.
He made himself visible again after another hall and looked down at himself. He had the basic outfit that the man had been wearing, thought none of the weapons or gear. He was also a little bloodied and bruised, but Beater didn't feel the pain as he touched his face and his cropped hair. His finger lingered on his lip. There was a scar through it, but the man Beater had copied didn't have a scar there. He tried to change it, but it wouldn't budge.
"Oh irradiate it all, Kolt," Beater snapped. Kolt had a terrible scar through his lip there. It seemed that Beater wouldn't be able to get rid of every reminder of the man he had been created from.
He focused on making the scar look more like a wound so he wouldn't be questioned about a scar that hadn't been there before, then he unzipped and pulled the collar of the shirt away from his neck, stretching the high collar as far as it would go so he could look at his collar bone.
The tag 'W2#07' was marked on his collar now, just like it was supposed to be.
With a nod, Beater made sure he limped convincingly as he made his way down the hall toward the voices discussing their options around the corner.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Cedar was having a bad day. This assignment was supposed to be routine. It was Cedar's first time being in charge of a unit on a proper assignment, and she had expected it to be simple. It was supposed to be simple. The unit was being sent to help guard Harry and co Labs, but the very day that the unit got there, the labs were attacked. Cedar didn't know where anything was, she didn't know the layout of the labs, and she didn't even really know most of the members of her unit very well.
And now, they couldn't find a clear exit.
Cedar looked over her shoulder regretfully. The exit they had tried had been guarded by vigilantes, and that fight did not go her way. She lost her very first Resources, and she knew their losses would land squarely on her too masculine shoulders.
She looked at the rest of the unit, counting up who she still had and gauging how much more gear they had to their names.
It wasn't pretty.
This wasn't how this was supposed to go, but Cedar would be irradiated and left in the wastes of yesteryear if she was going to give up now.
"We're going to need a map of this place," Cedar said gruffly, dropping her voice to a rumble. She hated the feeling of it in her throat, but she knew it would get her more respect from the other Resources. "Split into groups of three and search the rooms and labs to find a better layout of the place. See if you can't find some way to get a signal out through the block to call back to base and inform them of our situation. If you see a hostile, try and disengage and warn the other teams in the area. Stay away from the exits until we have a better plan."
"Sir," W3#12 said sternly, "if we find any Harry and Co Labs workers, do we attempt to bring them with us?"
"No," Cedar said. "We can't be slowed down right now. We'll be lucky if we make it out of here alive."
W3#12 nodded and the unit started to sort themselves into groups of three when movement out of the corner of her eye made Cedar turn, gun pointed at the chest of a man in Resource clothing. He put his hands up lazily, looking over all of them, and she recognized him as one of the men that had fallen during the fight with the other Resources. He was from a different batch than her and one of the men she wasn't familiar with, but he seemed tough. His various wounds didn't seem to bother him much outside of a limp. His designation marked him as W2#07.
"Bastards took my weapons," the man said, sounding deeply annoyed.
Cedar hummed. "You can still walk, yes?"
"Yeah, I can walk," W2#07 said.
"Good. We're looking for a map that will give us a better layout of this place."
W2#07 nodded and took off down a nearby hall without waiting for a partner. It was a wonder he hadn't gotten himself killed yet if he always went off on his own so eagerly.
"Resource!"
He turned, head cocked.
"We're searching in teams of three."
"I'll move quieter with just myself," he replied, clearly unafraid of any disciplinary action this might cost him before he headed off down the hall again and turned a corner.
If it paid off, Cedar wouldn't turn him in. If he didn't come back, that would be simple consequences. She didn't expect to see him again.
She watched the groups each head off before she and her two closest friends, Nova and Toby, made their way down a hall where the lights were dimming, likely due to some damage to the power grid for the labs somewhere.
Nova stayed right on Cedar's heels while Toby guarded the back, all three silent in their tasks. Sometimes Cedar felt these two knew her better than she knew herself. The three of them had worked together to survive training. Toby had been there to help her when she first got there. Nova had taught Cedar how to hide away all of the parts of her that mattered so the instructors couldn't tear those parts of her down.
Neither of them really knew her, though. She couldn't trust anyone, not even them, with her secret, even when hearing them refer to her as 'sir' or 'him' felt like a betrayal of some kind.
They cleared hall after hall as it got darker and darker, and found nothing much. It seems they had wandered into the storage part of the facility as they only really found tables, chairs, cleaning supplies, extra lab coats, and science equipment that was either new or broken.
"We should turn back," Toby said softly. "I have a bad feeling."
Cedar had to agree. It felt like someone was watching them.
"Alright. We'll turn back."
She thought she saw something move in the corner of her eye as she turned, like a figure in a hoodie, but it was gone when she looked closer.
She and her friends were quick to head back the way they came, though she kept what she saw to herself.
Then, W2#07 came around the corner.
Cedar was shocked to see the man, having expected him to keel over and pass out somewhere or to be captured, but he looked even more energetic than before and seemed to have found a weapon somewhere.
"I think I know how we're getting out of here," W2#07 said.
"And how is that?" Toby asked.
W2#07 grinned and just gestured for them to follow.
The other Resources had gathered again and W2#07 said, "I already let this lot know. Some of the higher ups had hidden ways out that their lackeys wouldn’t know about. I think I found one."
"And how do you know the vigilantes haven't already plugged it up?"
W2#07 laughed, reaching into his pocket before tossing a twig with a few leaves clinging to the end to Cedar. "No one out there," he said with a grin, his mouth twisting slightly around the injury in his lip.
Cedar judged him for a moment, trying to get a feel for his character. He'd been quiet before, and didn't seem very interested in anything going on around him, but maybe he was just on an adrenaline high.
"Show us," Cedar said with a short nod.
W2#07 nodded, grinned, and turned.
They followed him through hall after endless hall. Mostly, he moved efficiently and expertly, but sometimes he moved like a careless Trainee.
Cedar didn't know what to make of him. She didn't think she really wanted him on her team. He was erratic and strange, and there was just something off putting about him.
She needed to find a way to get rid of him.
Soon, they were in an office and W2#07 wiggled a panel open, revealing a tunnel.
It was lined with light strips that did nothing to pierce the darkness beyond but showed the direction the tunnel went.
Cedar pulled out a flashlight, as did the other Resources. W2#07, on the other hand, went in without one, seemingly unbothered.
Cedar didn't realize she was holding her breath until the door on the other side opened and W2#07 was stepping out into the sun, holding the hatch open for everyone else. She could see the tree that W2#07 snapped the twig off of.
"Stay low," cedar said softly. "I don't doubt there are vigilantes and gang members nearby."
Everyone nodded, staying low and quiet as W2#07 crept forward, looking around a little.
"Do you have signal?" he asked, almost too eagerly. No one was ever that eager to return to base.
Cedar frowned and checked and shook her head. "We'll probably need to go out a few blocks."
"Easy enough," Nova said. "Lead the way."
Cedar nodded and did so, keeping a close eye on W2#07 as she went. He fell in with the group, looking preoccupied with some thought or another.
Cedar shook her head, focusing on getting them out of the area without being caught and calling home base. They only had to go out a block before the signals stopped being blocked and Cedar was inundated with a whole set of messages from Orin Matthews, their Resource Manager.
She called him quickly, and he picked up immediately.
"Where are you?"
"A block west of Harry and Co Labs," Cedar replied sharply. "The place was taken by the Dragon Gang and the EVU within an hour of us being there. We need a pickup."
Orin sighed deeply. "How many lost?"
Cedar did the fastest head count of her life, every moment that passed deepening the pit in her stomach. She was going to be disciplined for not knowing off the top of her head.
"We lost 6 Resources, sir."
"How many injured?"
"3- no, 4," she said, glancing at W2#07 again.
"Alright, W4#01," Orin said. "Stay out of sight. Pick up will be there for you in 15."
"Thank you, sir."
"When you get back, you will meet me in my office. Alone."
Cedar closed her eyes. She wanted to shower and shave her face to within an inch of its life. It looked like she would have more things to worry about before the end of the day, however.
"Yes, sir."
Orin hung up.
Pick up was there in 10. Everyone piled into the vans and Cedar sat between Toby and Nova, trying to keep her shoulders straight and back despite how she wanted to curl in on herself. It was moments like this that made life truly unbearable. She had done everything in her power to prove herself masculine to hide what she was, and now she was saddled with all of this responsibility. She wanted to be home. Well, not home. Her parents had kicked her out after finding out what she was, after all. But she wanted to be somewhere safe. Somewhere that she could start figuring out who she really was deep down. Somewhere she could take her little brother out to-
No, she couldn't think about Kam. That was a surefire way to lose any sense of control she had in this situation, and she could never be seen crying in front of the Resources she was supposed to be a leader to.
Ced- Leslie didn't want to be here.
She swallowed hard, looking at W2#07, who was staring out the window like he had never seen anything more interesting than the city skyline. Despite his injuries and his shaking hands, he looked like a man reborn.
Cedar couldn't trust him. She couldn't trust anyone.
Chapter 2
A.N. - EEEEEEE here it is!! It's good to finally get to posting this! Important information: If you read 'Undercover Operative' (second to last chapter) in Fallen, be aware that this chapter is no longer canon. It didn't fit the story, really, and also messed up the timeline so badly that it nearly broke everything. I have no clue why I wrote it, honestly. Anyway, this is going to be awesome! I love Cedar and Beater so much and I am so excited to write more about them interacting. They're going to have a pretty rough start to their friendship, and it has been a delight to think about and start writing.
