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This has only just come to mind but I really don’t like being regulated when there’s negative shit I have to deal with, or anything overwhelming I have to deal with. Which makes sense why I mysteriously just stop taken them.
Ethan attends counseling groups on Tuesday. The clinic recently changed the time of a few groups, including a mindfulness group, a movement group, and then the group Ethan loves attending: a writing group!
Here, you can see I was supporting him throughout the day, such as holding his snack and encouraging him during writing group.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
TW: (detailed)SA, PTSD, Trauma (pls lmk if I need to tag more)
I really want thos off my chest and I don’t really know where else to post it so I’ll be posting it here.
Before you read I’m okay with getting DM’s in case anyone has any questions or maybe to even find other people who have been through similar stuff because at this moment I just feel very lonely and like I’m all alone in this.
Back when I was 15 years old (I’m 23 now) I had a really strong bond. Idk if I want to name drop him or not but I don’t think namedropping will do any good. But the man was in his 50’s. He used to be my mom’s boyfriend until they broke up because of some things that clashed. Because he had been really close with me and basically treating me as his child I finally had a, what felt like, genuine father figure when I was a young teen from 10-15.
A few months after turning 15 however I went to visit him (he and my mom had already broken up for like a year) and I still visited him because we would do father child activities together on some weekends like go out shopping, watch a movie etc. on my way there I accidentally took the wrong train because I thought the board said to Rotterdam, not Den Haag. Either way that was already the first thing that went wrong but it wasn’t too bad. Everything was fine when I got there, we ate dinner and he said he decided he wanted to give me the key to his place so I didn’t have to keep ringing the doorbell all the time and I could just come inside.
Later that night when I was going to sleep he came to check up on me. Back then my mom woulf often carress me like she did when I was little in a motherly way because it soothed me and he knew that. Because I saw him basically as my father I was fine with him doing the same. However. I did not know things would go wrong that evening. I hate thinking about it but he started touching me in places that weren’t okay. He kept asking me “is it okay if I carress you here?” And at first it was just over my flank and tbh I didn’t think anything malicious of it at all yet until he started going further. I froze up and I know that was a stress response but I couldn’t say no and I didn’t know what was going on and if it was okay or not okay, I also was a pubering teenager I felt extremely conflicted and strange about it all. It went on for a really long time. There was no penetration but he did basically SA me.
Eventually I managed to squeeze out “I’m tired, I want to sleep” and it stopped at that.
The thing that bothers me most about myself is because he had touched me in spaces my hormones were going crazy and I felt like I had to “finish it” when he was gone to get rid of the feeling. It’s still something I think about and blame myself for.
After it had happened I looked for the very first train I could take back home because I didn’t hear him go to his room until too late. I told my friends from at the time what had happened and I’m so glad they lived in America because they were still awake. I told them what I think had just happened and I needed advice. I slept until my alarm would go off at 4 or 5 am, I don’t even remember at all how I checked if he wouldn’t be in the livingroom at all but I knew either way. I dressed myself, packed my stuff and quietly walked to the livingroom to get the rest of my stuff. I took off the key (which looking back I think it was a way to gr00m me) and I left his house. I remember almost running to the trainstation, crying and shaking. I remember at the metro there was a middleaged woman on the platform this early in the morning and I think I remember a random man there. It’s not sometbing bad I just remember it for some reason. I got into the metro and went to the trainstation. It was quiet. I texted my mom asking her if she was awake, if she was home and that I was coming home already. In the meantime I kept in contact with my friends online and even though we’re not friends now anymore I really owe them my thanks for staying with me through that night until I got home. Once I did I cried in my mom’s arms and told her what had happened.
I still blame myself for not taking up on the offer to go to the police about it right away so they could get his DNA off it and punish him for his crime. But I also know I was still in such a shock and I wanted nothing more but to shower how it felt off. I still can’t help but remember how it felt and I wish I could.
There’s a lot of thoughts in my head “was taking the wrong train a sign?”, “how could this have happened?”, “why did this happen?”, “am I his only victim?” Etc.
It’s questions I shall never get answered. Sometimes I want to search his name up on google or something and look if he’s gotten karma his way or not. I stopped doing that and I’m able to hold back now because doing so will make me spiral but I really wish none of this ever happened.
Me and my Psychologist have decided I would get trauma therapy once I’m back from Japan bc there’s more trauma in my life but it really scares me. I’ll do it either way though and see what will help me but until then I will stay strong and hope my times in Japan will do me good as I’ll finally be away from a lot of the trauma I’ll be able to leave behind in my home country.
I want to know if I’m the only one with an experience like this or close to this or not. Sometimes I feel like everything is so quiet around me and nobody understands what it feels like to have gone through such a trauma. I know there’s other cases of SA but I feel like whenever I read their stories I can never really relate to them.
