#nonbinary problems

I don't put # men dni on any of my posts.

I don't like it. I find it dysphoria inducing and I find that transmasculine, nonbinary, and genderqueer community often find it dysphoria inducing. I find it anti indigenous. I find it colonial. I find it tired and reductive. nonbinary people are not all "non men" white feminine afabs with they/them pronouns who are agender/neutral about gender writ large. a lot of nonbinary people are actually bigender+. a lot of us have race(s) that play into our gender.

man/woman arent inherent opposites in any way. it's a really white & Western idea to believe otherwise. I understand sapphic community not wanting cis men to fetishize them, and blah blah fucking blah, and simultaneously, whether you tell them to "dni" or not, I don't think the ones you're worried about would stop or think twice if they're the ones you actually want to dni. however transmasculine people and trans men, especially the butch and lesbian variety, will think twice if we are allowed to be around you, or should be around you at all.

because we dont want others to be uncomfortable. we dont want you to be uncomfortable.

I also always worry about alienating people exploring gender, new to exploring gender, or baby transfems on any of my posts. I simply block men that are weird and fetishistic to me. trans or cis.

being bipoc & gender complex in what feels and seems to be majority white agender fem(me) "non men" spaces makes me a little insane.

but no. I don't put "men dni." I find it exhaustive. regressive. overstated. you're not really as inclusive of "nonbinary people" as you think you are if your idea of nonbinary actually just means "(white) neutral/feminine/woman adjacent."

I'm not kidding. I genuinely couldn't find any gender-neutral LGBTQ+ groups, they were ALL categorized by gender in this way and it really made me feel grossed out and unwelcome as someone on the nonbinary spectrum because like. Great. I'm either "man-lite" or "woman-lite" in this scenario. I have to choose between joining the "gay men's" community or the "gay women's community" instead of just. y'know, the fucking lgbt community as a whole? And before anyone says anything about "oh well maybe it's just dating-" no. No it isn't. I did not filter for dating groups only or any of that shit. I genuinely only saw gay men or gay women centered groups. Some of those included dating, yes, but the majority of them did not.

It's just. Genuinely frustrating. On so many levels. I really wish the LGBTQ community as a whole would stop treating nonbinary people as some "other" that can fit into whatever category- like? Does anyone else get that feeling? That it's not just, being inclusive to nonbinary people, but that the majority of the time it feels like "men, women, and if you're neither of those, whatever, you're welcome as long as you're close enough to the gender I prefer."

being nonbinary, whether you identify as trans or not, comes with its own set of specific obstacles that being a trans binary person doesn't come with. this isn't to say that binary trans people struggle less than us, obviously; it just happens that our struggles are different, because we're nonbinary.

here are a few examples on how being nonbinary makes my life difficult:

i can't legally change my gender marker to x or remove the gender marker from my id entirely

many languages (such as portuguese, german, spanish and french) don't officially have gender neutral pronouns, which means that nonbinary speakers have to come up with new terms, which aren't recognized and respected by other speakers 99.999% of the time

it is especially difficult to pass as a nonbinary person because the idea that gender is binary (m/f) is so deeply ingrained in westerners' minds that they wouldn't conceive the possibility of a nonbinary person even when said person is dressed androgynously

and please keep in mind that these are struggles i face as a white able-bodied person who is not an immigrant. other nonbinary people have it much worse than i do based on their circumstances and other axises of oppression.

While transfemmes and amab enbies are seen as being dangerous perverted men, it's way more common for afab trans people to be seen as confused women being put in a dangerous position by nebulous outside forces.

If a trans woman is seen as something dangerous and powerful hiding as something weak, and thus she's seen as a threat, a trans man is seen as something innocent that can't fend for itself being place in the dangerous position of something powerful and competent, and thus he's seen as a victim. It's a disturbing and distorted type of sympathy. Transandrophobia hurts as much as transmisogyny, but transandrophobia is unique in that it's much more common for the transphobes doing it to see their bigotry as a form of protection and love.

(Also, sorry if transmascs and afab enbies (and transfemmes and amab enbies) are being lumped together. Transpobes deal in agab, not gender identity, so when talking about how transphobia works, we kind of have to split it that way. I say this as a transneutral enby who doesn't even tell strangers online my agab.)

So we end up in this very weird position where people treat misgendering afab trans people as something they're doing to help them. It's done by terfs of course, but it's also done by the type of person who says "women and nonbinary people" who basically treats afab trans people as women with different pronouns. There's this aura people have when talking to or about afab trans people where it feels like they'd consider not treating them like a woman to be a disservice to them. I've even seen a lot of transmascs fall into this trap themselves, especially with modern "feminism" often treating femininity as a group that must be maintained as fought for as opposed to a harmful social construct. So many young afab trans people end up being pushed into either trying to make their identity something that doesn't offend binary femininity, or feel a need to completely detach themselves from womanhood by suffering the worst of male gender expectations.

If you find yourself misgendering (and that goes deeper than just which pronouns you use) afab trans people and thinking it's to help them, take this as your sign to stop.

If your an afab trans person, please remember that you can be loved and protected without being treated like a girl. You can be cute and pretty without being a girl. You can be emotionally vulnerable and given affection without being a girl. Your achievements can be celebrated without you being a girl. You can have community without being a girl. And you don't need to be treated like a child to be protected, you don't need to be misgendered to have community. Anyone who will only be able to love you by seeing you as something you're not doesn't deserve you.

One of my most memorable stories was one of the first days back to school.

I'm on the bus, and a kid comes up to me and asks "Excuse me, are you a boy or a girl?" I looked him dead in the eyes and said "no." He nodded, ran back to his freinds and shouted "He's Bisexual!"

This one was really funny because I prolly confused the hell out of some kid some kid. We were in a crowded hall way and he pointed to me and shouted "Are you a girl?" I shouted back "No" even though I was being pushed to walk forwards by like 15 ppl behind me so he shouts again "So you're a boy?" I shouted no again and then had to walk down the stairs anf the conversation ended. I wonder what that kid was thinking after that.

Hanging out with the weird kids I usually get asked out as pranks. A boy comes to me and says "will you go out with me mate?" *points to freind* the freind then says " *kids name here* that's a boy." The kid then goes "No! That's a girl." They aregued for abt five minutes xD