You're obviously male, you're not female or intersex
Well. I’ve been getting a few people saying this for a while now. Let me make a few things clear for both trans people and those who consider themselves exclusionists:
1. Having looked at my birth records, and having seen the scars that I have on my genitals, along with evidence that doctors were following the teaching of Dr. John Money, and sticking to very strict surgical schedules and hormone injections, I can safely conclude that I am Intersex, not transgender.
2. I never cross-dressed, nor do I have any desire to. I do not classify myself as a ‘lesbian’ and will continue to life my life as a male (although a feminine one).
3. I have no desire to be involved in the transgender community. Please do not take this the wrong way, but the violent activism is one of the major reasons I am not getting involved.
4. I use male-designated restrooms, etc. I have no desire to encroach on female spaces.
5. I am not a ‘real woman,’ and while many see me as male, many times throughout my childhood and even up until I turned eighteen, I was often mistaken for female.
6. I am not a ‘real man;’ I have often been treated as beneath women for my feminine appearance.
7. I own the privilege I have, and the privilege that I have consistently had throughout my life. While interpersonal relationships opened me up for ridicule, I was never at risk of being sexually assaulted while walking to me car or walking down the street.
8. I am working on sending Children’s Hospital of Boston, where I had the surgeries, a letter accompanying my request form explaining that I know what they did to me and that I really don’t want to get a lawyer involved (I truly don’t. I just want to know what was done).
9. I have no desire to go any further in transition. Yes, I am on hormones. The night sweats I had since my teenage years (signs of menopause) stopped after I started taking them.
10. I am not depressed or angry that the doctors mutilated me. I just want to know that they learned something from it; this may sound odd, but I want to at least know there was something gained from this.
11. I have yet to get an ultrasound or MRI to identify the scar tissue that a doctor mentioned in passing while performing a routine scan about three or four years ago.
12. No amount of hormones or surgery will change your biological sex. A lot of older transsexuals have a hard time with the younger ones because of this statement.
13. I don’t wish that I had been born female. I don’t wish I had been born male. I just wish that the doctors had told my parents at the very least, so they could help me make an informed decision before or at puberty. I was pretty gender non-conforming as s child, so I could have likely gone either way.
14. Unlike many transgender people I have come across who constantly change their intersex narrative (or say that they were born with something bizarre that clearly doesn’t fit with what they look like), I am still learning about what was done to me. All I remember as a child were the shots (disguised as allergy shots) and the mysterious surgery that I woke up in the middle of when I was seven.
15. In the past I may have written here and elsewhere that I see myself as female. Now that I reflect on that, the truth is I don’t see myself as anyone else but myself. I just want to be who I was born to be.
16. If I choose to have any surgery ‘down there,’ it will likely be to have the doctors put me back the way they found me (I was born with extreme hypospadias, and the urethra opened up near the scrotum. The repair was crappy; I can’t urinate standing up, and I fear infection).
17. I understand that there are many transgender individuals who label themselves intersex. Much like how I can’t stand it when able-bodied people pretend to have a disability (taboo did a story on one such person), or how people ‘identify’ as autistic, I hate it when transgender individuals say they are intersex, and in conversation with them, they rarely mention any surgeries, etc. I have intersex friends who can tell someone is faking a mile away.
18. I do not have to prove myself to anyone. I am writing this because it has been on my mind for some time to respond to those accusing me of not being intersex, and I had refrained from posting because I needed to be sure from multiple records my mother saved over the years (The old hospital has denied me access - which is a pretty common narrative).19. I never fully masculinized. My features in terms of facial bone structure (the deep onset eyes that many who disagree with transgender people transitioning) are somewhere in the middle of male and female. I entered puberty late, didn’t have to shave much until my mid twenties, and it was always patchy. My voice - a constant source of ridicule while growing up, never fully deepened. I don’t have an Adam’s apple. An ultrasound or MRI will show if I have a prostate.
If you have questions, feel free to ask. If you doubt I am Intersex, I respect that. I’m not looking to convince anyone of anything. I don’t have time to spend doing that. There are a number of education-related conferences on learning styles, etc. that will be coming up, as well as some poetry journals I’d like to submit to, so you will likely find me in here less and less.
