#internalised aphobia

I am non-binary, and somewhere on the aroace spectrum. From time to time, I find myself imagining a “relationship” (a label I don’t really like) with a good friend of mine, only to realize that they would probably not perceive me as who I am and might treat me like a stereotypical girlfriend; which I am not.

I could go into detail about my boundaries and what I would need in a relationship, but at the end of the day, I often feel like my identity and orientation are too complex for others to understand, and that maybe I’m just not cut out for this.

Slowly getting more and more repulsed with every bit we read about "love." We began to feel disgusted, but then decided-

If they look crazy to us, we're going to be honest with ourselves, and thus, look crazy to them too! Because how they see us doesn't matter!

We're plural, trans, loveless, aegoromantic, apothiplatonic, aegosensual, and many, many more complicated things. We cannot change these facts! Things will be as they are, and that's it. It doesn't matter how crazy we may appear, or how we think one day we'll wake up. And everyone will realise how weird we are, leaving forever. Because that's just a nightmare!

Even if they did leave, let them! We deserve to be honest, our existence hurts no one, we have the right to be here.

Graphic/ Original Post by @acedadadvice / acedadadvice.com

My comment (which is only my personal opinion and was typed up on the fly while eating breakfast, I didn’t put any research or deeper thought into it):

“Examine why. Like, what actually bothers you? Do you think you can’t have relationships? Wrong, read about happy a-spec relationships. Do you think you can’t have/ enjoy sex? Wrong, look up cupiosexual and sex-favorability. Do you think you can’t have a committed partnership? Wrong, QPRs, pseudo-romance, cupioromantic.

Like, I get that being aspec “others” us. But if it actively bothers you, sit down and examine why/ what aspect exactly bothers you, and then fiddle with that.

While I personally see no need to, I know you can even overcome sex-aversion. That is possible. I don’t want to, I don’t mind being sex-averse. But you COULD get more sex-favorable through e.g. therapy. It doesn’t change your orientation, it just modifies how you personally feel about engaging with sex acts.

We are not broken.

Please, choose today to stop hating yourself, to start being consciously accepting of who you are. Who all of us are.

Every time I see a post from an aspec person saying that they're broken, that they hate themselves for being aspec, that they wish they could change their orientation... it hurts.

You cannot hate yourself into being someone other than who you are. Your only options are:

1. Be aspec and hate yourself

2. Be aspec and don't hate yourself

There is no secret third option.

I'm generally unbothered by aphobia and amatonormativity when it comes from people who aren't aspec. They generally don't know what they're talking about. But when it comes from someone like me, saying that people like us are broken and worthy of hate, it hurts. Some part of me thinks "well it must be true then." I'm old and wrinkly enough to know that voice should be ignored, but it's still there.

I know people struggle with their sexuality and want to share the burden, I get that. I just wish we could couch it in less destructive terms. "I'm confused". "I'm sad". "I feel left out". "I'm worried about the future". "I don't feel accepted". "I don't like being a minority". Not "I hate myself and I feel like I'm broken".

I don’t want to stand alone in a crowd of couples anymore.