#internalized acephobia

What I haven't seen much discussion about is how it applies to her too. Eva Stratt doesn't have friends, or a family waiting for her. She doesn't have a dog either.

Mirabelle, out of stubbornness, spite, and a moment of manic anxiety decides she wants to try to hook up with someone, just to prove she can. I mean hey, it’s supposed to feel good, right? And it would only be one night, it’s got to be easier than trying to make herself fall in love. Right??

So she meets a stranger who’s cute enough, at least, Mira’s pretty sure they’re attractive. They have nice hair and a good style. They kiss a little bit, and Mirabelle just feels sort of uncomfortable but it’s fine, maybe she’ll get used to it. But the moment they try to kiss her with tongue she’s so disgusted she just pushes them away. And then she’s so upset with herself for BEING disgusted that she has a panic attack and starts crying.

And then she just. Leaves. And she feels awful and humiliated and doesn’t understand why she can’t just WANT this like everyone else. She never had that full conversation with Siffrin where he mentions finding sex gross too, so she feels like she’s entirely alone in this. Bonus points if Siffrin is demisexual and actually HAS had sex with whatever partner you headcanon him with. So Mira REALLY thinks she’s the only person like this and something is fundamentally broken about her.

Asexuality is a funny thing trying to cope exist with

but i just feel like a letdown.

i feel like he deserves better than me, somebody who’s not like me. somebody who’s not ace.

i love him and i never wanna leave him and i wanna grow old with him, but,, i’m scared. i’m scared that i’m not enough and i feel guilty for being ace, even though i can’t control it.

i question why he loves me sometimes, even though his love and him as a person are so, so unimaginably important.