#internalized acephobia

What I haven't seen much discussion about is how it applies to her too. Eva Stratt doesn't have friends, or a family waiting for her. She doesn't have a dog either.

What is the Aspec Helpdesk?

Mirabelle, out of stubbornness, spite, and a moment of manic anxiety decides she wants to try to hook up with someone, just to prove she can. I mean hey, it’s supposed to feel good, right? And it would only be one night, it’s got to be easier than trying to make herself fall in love. Right??

So she meets a stranger who’s cute enough, at least, Mira’s pretty sure they’re attractive. They have nice hair and a good style. They kiss a little bit, and Mirabelle just feels sort of uncomfortable but it’s fine, maybe she’ll get used to it. But the moment they try to kiss her with tongue she’s so disgusted she just pushes them away. And then she’s so upset with herself for BEING disgusted that she has a panic attack and starts crying.

And then she just. Leaves. And she feels awful and humiliated and doesn’t understand why she can’t just WANT this like everyone else. She never had that full conversation with Siffrin where he mentions finding sex gross too, so she feels like she’s entirely alone in this. Bonus points if Siffrin is demisexual and actually HAS had sex with whatever partner you headcanon him with. So Mira REALLY thinks she’s the only person like this and something is fundamentally broken about her.

The irony is that I have always had difficult considering myself queer to any degree, like it didn't feel like a word that applied to somebody who had such few consequences from their sexuality. And most of the bigotry against me has been other gatekeeping queer people. Fuckin' amazing.

Kon ignores his phone all week, and definitely ignores the group chat. It’s not–it’s– 

He should just leave it, probably. Cassie and Tim and Bart are gonna want a just-them chat to, like, talk and plan dates and be cute and flirty and fucking sext in, probably, and–and he might as well just . . . just leave, and let them have that. 

Though they probably already made one anyway, given Tim’s whole general, like . . . Tim-ness, so really, it’s just that he doesn’t wanna . . . that he doesn’t know how to . . . 

He has to lie to them every time he sees them now. And there was–there was already stuff he wasn’t telling them, because like, fucking obviously there was or he never would’ve been included in Cassie and Tim’s dumb little adorable presentation thing, they would’ve just–just borrowed Bart for it and told him they’d talk to him later, or . . . or something like that. If they’d known, they wouldn’t–they wouldn’t have–

They wouldn’t have asked him for it, if they’d known. 

I was a late bloomer. I didn't really develop my sexuality until I was already an adult, and I identified as asexual for years before that. When I realized I wasn't, I just stopped using the ace label. No harm done to me or anyone else. Calling myself asexual served me perfectly well until it didn't fit anymore.