Starting to hang out with a lot of medically transitioned trans people irl kinda sucks, like, on one hand hanging out with trans people is great on the other hand I feel like I'm failing some standard.
I don't even have any good explanation to tell them. "Why haven't you transitioned already" genuinely I don't know. A million and one things has happened to me this year, my life were kinda comically on fire around me, but I can't give a real answer to explain it. None of these things feels good enough.
I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo where I'm forever lost and I'm watching my life passing right in front of me. Every day I dream about getting free and every day I keep getting more and more swallowed by the waves trying to take me down, and people keep telling me "why aren't you freeing yourself? Just learn to swim. I was able to do it easily" or "you should really find some help to get you out of it" and every day I keep getting more and more lost to the depths.
A part of me dies every time I try to explain why I'm unable to free myself. I really don't have any good reason for it, things just are. I can't explain the why.
Even tho I'm surrounded by more community than I ever had before I feel alone.
I think about transitioning every day and every day this goal feels further and further away from me and like one day this option is going to escape from me completely.
It makes me feel suffocated. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is ever going to find me.
I'm stuck inside a limbo I have no idea how to get out of.
