#queer vent

I wish someone had a crush on me

Today was the firsy day i've ever looked at myself and thought i looked even slightly masculine. I felt so euphoric. But then the crash came down. I never should have chased that freedom. I never should've reached it, not even slightly. Now i'm just left with what could've been. Even that bit of masculinity wasn't enough. I still didn't get gendered correctly. And it's entirely my fault. People can't guess if i don't tell them. Except i'm too much of a coward to say it. Happened once. Got told it couldn't be. Didn't say it twice. I've always been scared of failure, so much that i don't even try to do anything that could possibly fail. That turned me into the failure. I'm the source of all my pain and it's getting so bad that I think I might deserve it. Everytime I get dark thoughts like this i've got that rational part of me that tells me it's not my fault. That i don't deserve it. That i didn't deserve it. It's getting harder and harder everyday to hear it. Might as well ignore it. Might as well ignore it all.