#internalised transphobia

Regulus stares at the mirror before him, his eyes drawn to the crescent-shaped scars on his chest. They're hideous. He's hideous. The sight of them makes his skin crawl. Before, his chest had felt like something foreign — a body he had been forced to borrow — now jagged scars were all that remained. Reminders of all that he has left behind. It makes him wonder if it was a mistake — if he should have done this. Would it have been better if he had stayed her?

When he was still her, he had been sure of a future — a future filled with respect and certainty. He had a family that held status, wealth, and influence within the wizarding world, but by choosing to be him, he had lost all that. Sure, the Black family wasn't a place filled with love, but it had been a stable place to live.

He remembers binding until he could no longer breathe, remembers avoiding mirrors and flinching upon seeing his own reflection. He remembers the pain, the fear, the wrongness of it all, and yet there is still some traitorous part of him that wonders if his mother had been right after all. That there really is something wrong with him.

He couldn't have stayed her. The thought alone makes him want to tear his skin off. But standing in front of the mirror, fingers tracing the pale, rigid scars on his chest, he can't help but wonder if it was all worth it.

Was being him worth losing all he has ever known?

“Hey love,” comes the soft voice of James. He's leaning in the doorway, eyes focused on Regulus. Regulus looks at him through the mirror.

“Hey,” his voice is quieter than he wants it to be.

James lifts himself off the doorway and makes his way across the room until he's standing behind Regulus. They meet each other's eyes in the mirror.

Without a word, James takes his shirt off and holds it out.

Regulus stares at the red fabric.

“I don't want your pity.”

“Good thing that's not what I'm offering.”

After a long moment, Regulus finally takes the shirt and slowly leans back into James's embrace.

Zane getting lost in his thoughts right before the internalised hatred starts dripping in

[ my piece for pride this year ]

internalised transphobia has been a huge part of my life since i realised i was trans, but every pride is one year closer to a year where i can fully accept myself for who i am

being trans in public has worsened my anxiety, my depression and my relationship with my family but i hope that one day my identity wont be a cause of conflict, but a cause of joy for myself and my loved ones.

Slowly getting more and more repulsed with every bit we read about "love." We began to feel disgusted, but then decided-

If they look crazy to us, we're going to be honest with ourselves, and thus, look crazy to them too! Because how they see us doesn't matter!

We're plural, trans, loveless, aegoromantic, apothiplatonic, aegosensual, and many, many more complicated things. We cannot change these facts! Things will be as they are, and that's it. It doesn't matter how crazy we may appear, or how we think one day we'll wake up. And everyone will realise how weird we are, leaving forever. Because that's just a nightmare!

Even if they did leave, let them! We deserve to be honest, our existence hurts no one, we have the right to be here.

When I can't talk about the trans experience being different for each individual without another fellow fucking trans man replying to me transphobic memes.

This is why I don't feel inherently safer in trans circles, as an intersex NB transmasc.

[Under the cut: TW transphobic meme titled: Meet your fellow trans man (according to online discourse). This was sent to me by a binary trans man on Reddit because I said some trans men don't want surgery.]

I know now that ROGD is a huge terf talking point and that in reality what had happened was i came off a mood-stabilising medication that completely supressed my gender dysphoria up until that point. I dont even know what i found about it that made me think both that rogd was real but also that my transness was real at the same time