#internalized aphobia

Neil Josten, who was beat by his mother for looking a bit too long at kids his age, who wasn’t given the chance to explore his sexuality but is realizing that there wasn’t much there to begin with.

Neil Josten who is surprised when he considers Andrew in that way.

Neil Josten, who doesn’t feel attraction to him at first. Who doesn’t even realize that’s what he’s feeling until Andrew spells it out for him. Who does not know what it’s like to be attracted to people like that.

Neil Josten who’s coming to the understanding that you can’t beat attraction out of people. That his mother wasn’t the reason he didn’t spare a glance at people as he got older. That it’s a him thing. Because he never once felt like this with anyone before now. And kissing never felt like this.

Andrew Minyard who hates that he feels attraction. Who has a complicated relationship with physical attraction.

Andrew Minyard who has slowly come to accept that part of him bit by bit. Who can finally see that being gay wasn’t because he was assaulted as a child. That it’s not and has never been his fault; that he’s not like them.

Andrew Minyard who, even after accepting his attraction, does not get crushes. Who stares at his brother every time he shows interest in dating a girl, because he can’t understand why.

Andrew Minyard who doesn’t care enough to try to understand. Who is perfectly happy with hook-ups. Who sees romantic relationships as something disgusting.

Andrew Minyard who thinks, deep inside, that he might be wrong. That maybe they did break something in him. That he is incapable of love, something that is supposedly the most human feeling. Andrew Minyard who covers that fear up with knives and fake smiles and threats.

Andrew Minyard who meets Neil Josten and does not think he is anything different. Who slowly starts feeling things he didn’t before. Who finds himself confused by the knots in his stomach when he says to himself that Neil is just someone he’s attracted to, because it feels wrong somehow. In a way it has never felt before.

Andrew Minyard who is convinced the medication has finally broke him. That it has started making him feel things he doesn’t.

Andrew Minyard who dreads returning to Palmetto because he thinks he won’t feel it anymore. Because he’s grown too attached to the idea of liking him to go back and feel nothing again.

Andrew Minyard who is surprised when he sees Neil. Not because of the change in appearance, though that does intrigue him, but because there’s still that feeling.

Andrew Minyard who begins to wonder if maybe he was never broken in the first place.

Kevin Day who does not understand attraction. Who is confused by the concept of crushes as a child and bewildered by the idea of attraction as a teen.

Kevin Day who excuses his lack of crushes with his love of Exy. Who never has to deal with his lack of feelings because he simply does not notice their importance. They do not have relationships in the Nest. He is not pressured to date by Riko (quite the opposite in fact). He doesn’t see his lack of those feelings as anything other than logical; why would he date when that’s time he could be spent practicing?

Kevin Day who sleeps with Thea in front of Riko and finally understands that he doesn’t feel something others do. Who lays there, bored, wishing this would go faster so he could practice his shots.

Kevin Day who starts noticing the differences between himself and others after that. Who sees his future teammates sneaking off with people after practice. Who is no longer just annoyed but also concerned. Even more so when Riko starts talking about the issues with gay people on their team.

Kevin who starts feeling shame over it for the first time in his life.

Kevin who starts dating Thea because he thinks it’s what people expect of him. That he SHOULD like her; she’s good at Exy and smart and, objectively, pretty.

Kevin Day who is an awful boyfriend because he does not see the point in relationships. Who sees Thea only as a means to an end and not a meaningful relationship.

Kevin Day who does not feel any different in these fields when he meets Andrew and Neil, but still feels… safe.

Kevin Day who will likely never experience attraction but still finds himself drawn to Andrew and Neil more than other people.

Kandreil who do not experience attraction like most other people, but find love (in whatever form) in each other.

Kandreil who live with each other as adults but do not put extraneous labels on each other because they know who they are and what they are to each other, even if that confuses other people.

Kandreil who are not and never have been broken, to any degree.

Kandreil who don’t owe anyone an allo relationship because it would make them any more “comfortable”

I believe I am on the aromantic spectrum because my romantic attraction fluctuates and I spend a long time (more than a year or months) having one crush that consumes me completely. But then when I simply feel no interest in dating or just like romance in fiction and yumeshipping, I feel like I'm faking because I'm "giving up" on love and my mom always says that when I say I don't want to try and date that I "look sad" or "giving up" because I'm just 20.

Sometimes I tend to believe that too, until the idea of someone I don't even know or a friend that I like only as a friend liking me romantically or sexually fills me with dread. Probably also because the one time it happened with someone I felt no desire to even like that way I only felt regret.

That and sometimes I picture my ideal life with living alone with my cats and drawing.

But sometimes the nagging feeling I need to at least date someone someday, and having it be someone in real life makes me just never want to meet anyone ever.

The nagging feeling you have is internalized aphobia.

It sounds like you are aegorose, specifically fictorose (maybe also lithorose or unirose?)

What is the Aspec Helpdesk?

my brain: …do you want to have a romantic relationship with a man or woman?

me: not really

my brain: do you want to have sex with a man or woman?

me: hard pass