#adhd depression

Like I'm scrawling my life in a crayoned chaos while they all flow in elegantly inked cursive.

I just re-read this great post by @marias-studyblr and it inspired me to try something:

I’m going to start setting daily goals for myself that I have to do before I can do any leisure activities. This will give me incentive to do my homework, and the reward will make me feel good about doing my homework. I’m hoping this feedback loop will work for me.

Because I don’t have homework due every single day, I’ll break down my tasks into smaller tasks and stagger them throughout the week.

I’m not going to over-do it. I know that doing so has often derailed my progress in the past. I need to keep it simple and relatively easy if I want to stay consistent.

Every Monday my professors post the new Weekly Folder with all our assignments for that week. So every Monday I’m going to look at all my assignments, and create my weekly schedule. I’ll post it here.

So every Monday I’ll post my weekly schedule. Then every day I’ll post my daily schedule. And just to add a level of accountability, I’m going to post updates every day as well.

While writing this, I feel like I’m lying to myself. “Like I’m actually going to do that.” I’m so used to failing at time/task management because of my adhd that it’s reflected in my self-esteem.

I may not actually follow through with this. But I’m gonna try. I need to try this, because if it works, it would be life-changing for me. I’m only three weeks into my first year and I’m already suffocating. This is why I stayed an extra year in high school and took 5 years off after high school to work — I was putting off post-secondary because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it. And now that I’m here, I’m scared I might have been right.

I'm having a hormonal fluctuation or backlash at the moment and this week has been full of nervous anxiety/dread. It's not a great feeling, and I often end up drifting from the ADHD-spurred anxiety attacks into the depressive episode that comes as a defense mechanism from the overload of feelings my body is creating. This puts me in a difficult position because it creates the feeling that:

I want to do things that I love as a distraction; I would like to be creative, I would like to fixate on something positive, etc...

I cannot fixate on anything because everything feels like too much input on an already oversaturated brain.

I end up feeling nothing internally, while still reacting to other people's art. Which drives me back into the circle of "I want to create something like this", but without any capacity for emotionally driven force. So I can't draw anything, because I can't connect with what I'm drawing.

It's just an excuse

Your being dramatic

Learn to control yourself

Stop moving (stimming)

It's all in your head

It's not that hard

Your just lazy

Your to emotional

Kids with ADHD receive 20,000 more insults by the time they are 12 than children without it. Here is a list of REAL and SERIOUS ADHD symptoms.

Undeveloped object permanence (out of sight, out of mind)

Trouble Processing change/transition

Trouble Sitting still (oh wow! You got one right!)

Experiencing anxiety when handling boring things or when sitting still for to long

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Sensory overload

Remembering simple/basic information

Excessive thinking (which can be dangerous if they also suffer from depression and/or an anxiety disorder)

Acting without thinking (which can lead to physical harm)

Forgetting/losing things

Difficulty with Organization

Little to no sense of danger (again can lead to physical harm)

Scratching, biting, picking at your skin. Usually around your finger nails. It's almost always unintentional and we do it subconsciously.

Anxiety disorder

Oppositional defiant disorder

Conduct disorder, depression, insomnia, autism spectrum disorder, epilepsy, dyslexia, Discalculia, and Tourettes syndrome.

Mood swings

Bipolar disorder, personality disorders, and obsessive compulsion disorder (OCD)

I have ADHD, Aspergers and LOADS of tics, I may be funny, and quick with puzzle books but I also struggle to feel confident in myself, to engage with school, to be on time, to be around other people, to keep my temper, to sit up straight, to talk ‘normally’, to not distract the whole class every lesson and to eat when I should.

For me, my quirks came with intense embarrassment and anxiety, I think a lot that I will never be ‘normal’, never be loved, or respected. Because I am neuro divergent. I would trade my ‘intelligence’ and ‘quirkinesses’ if I could have the piece of my mind that I feel is missing.