Sourest Rockstar

*pulling myself out of a shallow grave* you call this a fucking GRAVESITE, i call this a DISGRACE *dusting the dirt from my shroud* u gotta PACK the dirt in there boy i wanna feel like im being tucked into bed by a STEAMROLLER, i want 8.8k psi MINIMUM on this bitch *hacks up a shovelful of soil like a cat retching up a hairball* I'VE SLEPT UNDER MEATIER WEIGHTED BLANKETS

They made a grave mistake didn’t they

You sure were coffin up a lot of dirt, are you okay?

now now gaud, dont be a casket case

...i'm about to put all of you in the fucking ground

With what fucking steamroller?

On the one hand I would prefer a functional government, but on the other, the sheer comedy and Schadenfreude of the House Republicans descending into petty, humiliating chaos while the Dem folks are showing up with literal popcorn and chanting for their own Speaker nominee like this is a high school sports game is filling me with manic glee.

Excuse = Reason I Don’t Want to Hear

OH

@bogleech in regards to your posts from a few days ago.

I do know this one from when I worked in retail, and its in the same family as parents dismissing children with "because I say so." It's heavily normalized but it shouldn't be, because it's really just a power trip kind of thing, wanting their ego stroked by forcing humility from a peer. When someone pulls this I actually do stop being sorry at all because it feels like they don't actually care about what happened so much as the opportunity it gave them to feel superior. Retail managers practically cream over getting these moments.

The way my grandmother phrased it was “reasons explain why you did something, excuses explain why you think you shouldn’t apologize.”

Your friendly reminder to not spend money on gacha.

if your response to this post is "too late for me" i want you to sit down and think very, very hard about your life. Because maybe you said it jokingly, and it IS a joke, then good for you, but if you actually do spend significant amounts of money for a jpeg you're not even sure you're going to get, you might have a gambling addiction and that is a serious problem not a joke or a meme.

and on a similar note, keep in mind that people who do spend money this way need support, not ridicule. these types of games are specifically designed to engage existing addictive tendencies and to create them in vulnerable people. addicts aren't stupid or irresponsible, and the root causes of addiction are often genetic and traumatic, so please be compassionate, not dismissive

What else am I supposed to do though?

why are people even questioning obesity in america

why is your tea liquidised?

….. Where exactly do you live that the tea isn’t liquid?!?

No it’s sweet tea you drink it cold

WHO DRINKS COLD TEA???

HAVE YOU NEVER HAD ICED/SWEET TEA BEFORE?!?

England, you stole tea from China.  You’ve had it a mere 4 centuries compared to their 30+.  Don’t play like you’re some kind of authority.

[skeletons ooh-ing]

Shots fired. World War Tea has officially begun.

#INTO THE HARBOR

Englad doesn’t own anything

except that time we owned most of the world

If I stop reblogging this, I’ve gone to the other side.

I have only seen this legendary post in screenshots, so today is a blessed day.

HOLY HELL I FOUND IT

And this is why I love Tumblr

Drinking cold tea is like drinking cold hot chocolate. Sure, you *can* do it, but you *really shouldn’t*

I only see this on pinterest omg….

[Video: a construction worker shoveling dirt as children on the other side of the fence yell “YAY!” every time dirt is moved.]

Often I am struck with the child like desire to just dig a hole. Kids love to dig holes.

Kids have a pure admiration for blue collar workers. Garbage truck drivers, construction workers, fire fighters, etc. They appreciate and respect these people more than grown ass adults do.

This is taught OUT of kids. And thata the problem. Dont destroy or undermine the admiration for the diggers and garbage guys. Cuz they keep us goin! I’m always grateful to the guys in the garbage truck and the people working behind the orange barrels on the highway.

Sorry mate, the entire approach of the American people is to condescend to the rest of the world, “we’re fuckin great rah rah land of the free etc” yet we all watch on while it becomes more Gilead by the day. And while America is asleep at the wheel China gets stronger. Shoot each other in the streets, eat each other alive the Empire falls. Any danger of doing it quietly?

I mean, if that’s how you really feel about it, at least dont pretend like you’re trying to help as if voting has never occurred to anyone in the US who is unhappy before. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We’ve all already heard “I can’t wear a mask anymore or ever again because it has traumatized me” so how much do you want to bet that any minute now we’re going to start hearing “it scares me/my children that other people still wear masks”

“Sorry to hear that. Try eating my ass, it might help.” If you are in an area where it makes sense to still wear a mask to slow the spread of Covid (read: fucking near everywhere in the US, and quite a lot of places abroad), then I don’t care what you think about me wearing a mask. I’m going to keep my hatefully oversensitive bronchial system insulated from your petri dish of a face via any means necessary. A mask is the minimum, a pane of glass would be favorite.

the first post ever on tumblr

I WAS EXPECTING IT TO BE A REMAKE OF SOME SORT HOLY FUCK

WHO THE FUCK KEEPS BRINGING THIS BACK

World Heritage Post

like actually though. i’m in AWE of the notecount.

reblog to give your friend a bad day

this is the monalisa of tumblr

“And to your right you’ll see the colour of the sky post, and tumblrinas desperately trying to scroll down to it’s end.”

NOW THAT TUMBLR HAS ANNOUNCED TO SHORTEN LONG POSTS, REBLOG TO TORMENT YOUR FOLLOWERS ONE LAST TIME

welcome to the club

It is so, so difficult to explain to people that your favorite book is about transgender feminist dwarves, Nazi werewolves, and the mystery of a missing piece of really old ritual bread. And Opera saves the day.

yes, give us those sweet, sweet, terrible descriptions

A tortoise who’s really a god, finds an allegory for Jesus and they go on adventures in an ancient greece like place and then a desert 

The chief of police averts a rerun of an ancient war, partially despite and partially because of being possessed by a dying dwarf’s graffiti

It’s like Les Miserables but Javert is the good guy and also there’s time travel.  

Macbeth but it’s about the witches

Chapter one, the protagonist is hanged. Then he’s put in charge of the post office. Yes, in that order.

it’s like mulan if there were way more mulans in mulan and also pratchett is extra irritated that too many people missed the point of jingo

The bureaucrats of the universe get annoyed at the paperwork humanity causes so they decide to steal Christmas.  Replacement Christmas is done by Death and replacement Death is done by goth Mary Poppins, who is also in charge of the investigation.

these are all nice and accurate reasons to read discworld if you haven’t yet

Romeo and Juliet football AU but the other team is wizards

Hollywood????

An entire clan of tattooed, hairy, kleptomaniac, alcoholic Scotsmen decide a little girl is their new best friend whether she wants to be or not and she rescues her absolutely worthless brother by discovering the power of selfishness.

@cosmictwobyfour

Someone is dying, journalism is being invented, and part of Pulp Fiction is going on in the background.

The universes burocrats want to measure everything so they pay a man to imprison time so everything will stop and they can measure things in peace. Goth mary Poppins saves the day, the fifth horseman of the apocalypse is the best Milkman in the world, and chocolate saves the day. Also someone was born twice.

Classic dynastic machinations are happening in fantasy China, to be completely overturned by a gang of elderly barbarian heroes and the world’s worst wizard and best sprinter

Death incarnate battles a shopping cart for the fate of the world.  

@grifalinas

Phantom of the Opera au, except there’s witches, a cookbook that is thinly-veiled pornography, and Christine is played by a fledgeling witch with multiple personalities who can’t stop being sensible long enough to enjoy herself

Hidden heir to the throne decides an cynical, alcoholic cop is the best role model in the world.

Atlantis provides an excuse for a xenophobia-inspired war between Britain and the Middle East but it’s fine because the armies are arrested for conspiracy to cause public nuisance.

Death doesn’t want to do his job and runs off to form a death metal band, so teenage Goth Mary Poppins has to step up and be the Grim Reaper instead

The Apocalypse is extremely British. There are somewhere between four and twelve Horsemen, depending on who you think technically counts. The only real prophetess in history considered Betamax losing the video wars more significant than JFK’s assassination.

This may be some of the best excel sourced humor.

This is 10000% more in character than every moment of the Dark Knight franchise.

i can’t believe bruce breaks text into two rows rather than using the “wrap text” feature

tim cleans this up for him later

What the hell did Melvil Dewey do???

Christianity is the polar opposite of "exactly what it says on the tin"

Christianity has over forty thousand tins and most of them are some level of valid based on their horrid mishmash of ideological edits that they pass off as a cohesive religious text.

hey want to see something gorgeous but viscerally discomfiting?

No <3

ok i spent 40 minutes learning how to compress a gif for you fucks, please tell me it works now

looks kinda yummy not gonna lie

politely I am going to ask you to expand on that???

my immediate thought when I saw this was “this is the jelly that they harvest those gummy sharks from. I wonder if they breed around the foam?”

I found a doctor like this… and I almost cried… my “bad” cholesterol was 2 points above “perfect”, otherwise 100% healthy on the tests, and she said “body size doesn’t indicate health. There are large people that are unhealthy, there are large people who are perfectly healthy. There are small people that are unhealthy, and there are small people who are perfectly healthy. Healthy isn’t a specific body size.” I love her. 

HEALTHY ISNT A SPECIFIC BODY SIZE

I wanna go to this doctor!

My doctor’s entire commentary on my weight has been “you’ve got a slightly fatty liver and you’re probably gonna need to replace your knees sooner than your grandpa did.” Nothing about cholesterol, nothing about heart problems. Just commenting on my actual health. Really hope the chemo goes well for him.

screw sponsored content, I’m doing anti-sponsored content. just gonna talk about brands that SUCK

Friendly reminder that GIMP does pretty much everything Photoshop does, and it’s 100% free. Fuck DRM and the license culture, we have plenty of open source options available to us as a consumer.

reblog to save a digital arts major

Reblog to save an artist.

oh jEEZ