hockey rpf enjoyer

Many, many people celebrated Pulse. We were told we deserved it. That it was God’s punishment for our sin of loving the same sex. We are sent messages like these I received in 2018:

We in the community often call the victim count 49+ to include the survivors who couldn’t live with the pain.

The event was never officially declared a hate crime or targeted homophobic attack and is rarely listed as one in databases.

At our vigils for those slaughtered, Extremist Christian groups showed up to protest, holding signs like this:

ID: Me kissing a woman I was casually seeing in front of an angry looking man with a “Sodomy is Sin” sign.

Please understand how much more than just a mass shooting this was. We are still to this day harassed and told we deserved it by some.

“This isn’t a straight story.”

“They got caught.”

“It looks more like forgiveness than pride.”

“Forgiveness implies there's something that was wrongfully done.”

It took Shane a moment to realize why he’d awoken. Everything was calmer here at the cottage, and for once he wasn’t dealing with crack-of-dawn alarms and early flights. But once he processed the noises of the man next to him, he rolled over quickly, concern flooding through his body.

Ilya was moaning, and not in a fun way. His face was screwed up with anxiety and fear, his limbs twitching, and Shane quickly realized that he was having an extremely unpleasant nightmare. 

For a moment, he hesitated. He’d never seen the other man look so terrified, especially in sleep. For all the times, especially lately, that they’d been vulnerable with each other, they’d never been like this. Raw terror, childlike panic, hands gripping fabric in fright. He didn’t know what Ilya needed in moments like this, what might make it worse.

But his heart ached for the man in front of him, so he let instinct guide his actions. 

“Ilya,” he mumbled, moving close, placing a firm hand on the man’s naked shoulder. “Ilya, wake up. S’just a dream.”

He stirred, just a little, noises getting louder, but didn’t open his eyes.

So Shane gritted his teeth and tried again, shaking the man’s shoulder a little. “Ilya, baby,” he said, blushing at the word but unable to regret it. “C’mon, Rozanov, wake up…”

And this time, eyelashes fluttered to reveal Ilya’s hazy, teary-eyed gaze. “Hollander? You are…?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” Shane nodded, thankful he seemed okay. “You had a nightmare. It’s, um…it’s okay, yeah? I’m right here, you’re safe.” He couldn’t for the life of him imagine what the other man was dreaming about, but he had to think that any comfort was helpful.

In a quick movement, Ilya lurched closer, wrapping his arms around Shane and pressing his face into Shane’s chest. “Fuck,” he mumbled, inhaling shakily.

He felt a little insensitive for smiling at that moment, but it felt ridiculously natural to wrap his arms around Ilya as well, to hold him like this. “M’here,” he repeated, pressing his face into Ilya’s curls. Then, after a few long moments, he asked, “D’you…want to talk about it? Was it about Russia? Your mom?”

“No.” Ilya pulled back, visibly less stressed now, but still obviously shaken. “Nothing like that. Was when you got hurt. I…you did not open your eyes, this time.” His lips quivered a little, like he was trying to hold back something. “Is fine, I am fine now.”

But Shane had to take a minute to hold back tears. He hadn’t thought–not really–about how much that moment must have affected Ilya. Hell, if it had been reversed–if Ilya had been flat on the ice–he didn’t know what he would have done. He reached to cup the other man’s jaw in his hand. “I’m fine now, too,” he reminded him, kissing him soundly. 

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“Hollander. You called me ‘baby.’”

“Go to sleep, Rozanov.”

“Okay, malysh.”

"What does that mean?"

"Go to sleep, Shane."

"One story before bed?" Jade whined, her big, brown eyes making Ilya's heart ache as they reminded him of Shane. "Dad always tells us stories when he's home."

"Jade, you have to go to sleep," Shane said from the armchair, smiling fondly as all of the Pike children cuddled up to Ilya on the couch. "It's your bedtime."

"Oh, Hollander, you are killjoy," Ilya said, waving his hand in the air. "One story will not kill anyone. Plus, if boring Pike can tell story, so can we!" He grinned as Shane shot him a warning look. "Okay. Let me think." he looked around for a moment, clearly seeking inspiration. "Ah! Okay, once on a time there was two kingdoms. One was kingdom of yellow and black and one was kingdom of blue and red. And each kingdom had beautiful prince..princess."

The children made ooohh and ahhhh noises, settling into the cushions.

"Of course, the princess of the yellow and black kingdom, Lily, was a little more beautiful than princess of other kingdom, Jane, but is not important," Ilya said with a smirk, eyeing Shane, who snorted derisively. "Anyway. One day, the princesses met. Because...uh...they are having a painting made. And after painting, they realize: they are in love!"

The kids let out little yelps of delight, making both Shane and Ilya smile.

"Yes, yes, is very romantic. But there is problem! The kingdoms, they are enemies!" Ilya exclaimed dramatically, throwing his hands in the air and beaming as the kids gave him scandalized looks. 

Shane couldn't help but grin fondly, entranced by the way Ilya spoke to the children.

"So, Lily–she is the more beautiful, more talented one, yes? She is very brave. She asks Jane to meet her to have...um..."

"Have tea!" Shane jumped in, narrowing his eyebrows at Ilya, who grinned and winked.

"Yes, tea! The princesses, they are very good at tea. Love tea very much," Ilya agreed, stifling laughter as the two of them avoided eye contact so as to not lose it completely. "And they have tea together often, yes? And fall so much in love."

"But it was a secret? The love?" Jade asked, eyes as wide as saucers.

"Yes," Ilya nodded somberly. "Very sad, right? The princesses were very scared that their love would not be accepted by their kingdoms. And then one day, very bad thing happened."

"What?!?"

"A...letter. A letter that was sent between them. Was found by Jane's friend and both kingdoms found out," Ilya replied, nodding his head like he was delivering terrible news.

And of course, all of the children were staring at him with rapt fascination, like this was the most terrible thing they hear in their lives. Shane grinned at the sight.

"What then?" Arthur asked, fully in awe.

"Well, some people, they do not like it. Many people in both kingdoms were very angry. They say the princesses were being...betraying," Ilya explained heavily, but Shane could hear the emotion in his voice. "The princesses were very sad, that their love was treated this way. Like was not real."

"But it was," Jade frowned indignantly, like she was ready to fight kingdoms herself.

"It was," Ilya agreed, smiling softly at her. "So what do they do?"

"Fight!" 

"No, no," he admonished, smiling. "They find new kingdom. A red and black one, with both of their colors. This kingdom loves and accepts them, and is happy for them and their love. And now, they are together forever, happily ever after."

Shane smiled along with the kids, eyes finding Ilya's. 

"Good! They should be happy," Jade said with a grin, hopping up and dragging Ruby with her towards their bedroom. 

"Mmm. It was a good story," Shane agreed, standing and gesturing for Arthur to get up as well, while Ilya helped Amber. "Inspired by anything in real life?"

Ilya grinned. "No, Hollander. Do not be so stupid. Fairy tales are not real."