tw.

note to self: stop putting effort into people who don't even return half of it

while they have moved on from you, you are stuck in a loop, left with the pain unable to heal. while they got over you, you still wonder where you could have made a turn for the better, blaming yourself for everything. you just cannot move on, wondering if you ever will.

part 2 of "the urge to disappear everywhere online", literally planning it in my head; logging out, deactivating, deleting all of my accounts on every single platform, cutting off pretty much everyone, getting a new phone number or none at all & just disappearing like i've never even been there, even moving to a different place if i could.

"we are the hurt inside your head

hello there! i read your vent entries, and i am so sorry you have been treated this way. i would love to befriend you and make you my favourite person. i relate to your past experiences heavely and it weighs me down too. i think you are a lovely person trying your best, its not your fault okay? you are breathing, surviving and putting all your energy to live in this stupid thing called life but i promise you none of this is YOUR fault. you are not easily replaceable, you are not meant to be abandoned. you are meant to be loved and taken care of, you deserve a gentle love if not romantic be it platonic! you deserve unconditional love, you are not problematic the problem is in the people not you. you are just as worthy of love as anyone else excluding those horrible people who made you question your worth. - an admirer🍥

"friends" that quietly become distant & quit reaching out eventually because they realize you're too much for them.

"we didn't see the signs" my ass i've been 'openly' struggling with my mental health for years, don't even think about bringing one of those lying ass statements once i'm gone. don't start caring when it's too late you didn't care before you don't need to start caring now, don't even show up to my funeral if you're someone i know.

the best people are those that abandon you at your lowest for something minor making you the bad guy then proceed to make you feel extra lonely & left out.

do i even mean anything to anyone..?

how come everyone else is worthy of your love, your time, your effort.. your little acts of love.. your attention.. and i am not? why am i always the excluded one?

first they make you feel like they love you. then they openly leave you out, making you feel absolutely miserable.

lonely. unwanted. worthless. forgotten. avoided. useless. unlovable. insignificant. left out. insecure. unimportant. failure. burden. hopeless. unspecial. ugly. unstable. rejected. irrelevant. pushed away. ignored. lost. misfit. overlooked. vulnerable. outcast. isolated. empty. heartbroken. neglected. helpless. unworthy. abandoned. waste of space.

..but it's weird how people's energy changes when they talk to me and yet i see them happily interacting with their other friends. not with me, though. never with me. even when i most need them. when all i want is to be loved.. seen, wanted. am i really that unimportant, never as good as all the others? is it my fault that i'm not ever good enough for you? just tell me that you don't want me.

..but why did you go from messaging me every day, several times a day, checking on me, showing interest in me and reassuring me to suddenly distancing yourself from me, messaging me less and less until you just. stopped..? am i really that disposable, replaceable.. unlovable? just say so..