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summary: after he insists they're just friends, she gets a much needed reality check from Lily and finally confronts him
wc: 4.2k
warnings: self loathing(R), ig hurt/comfort?, angst with happy ending??, miscommunication, english not being my 1st language
a/n: I got back into my atyd spiral and decided that I really do need Remus J Lupin
! masterlist !
"What's up with you and Remus?" Lily asked suddenly, sitting across from you in your favorite spot in the library
You hummed quietly and looked up at her from your Transfiguration homework.
"What do you mean 'what's up with me and Remus?' " you asked before looking down at your parchment paper
"Hello? I have eyes, you know?" Lily placed her forearms on the table and lightly leaned towards you "You two are avoiding each other like fire. Everyone can see that"
You let out a quiet scoff and rolled your eyes, without answering you went back to writing your essay. You didn't answer her, obviously. The ink on the paper began to swirl and blur before your eyes, it stopped making sense some time ago.
Lily watched you for a long moment
"You know that you should talk to him" she said quietly
A hollow laugh slipped out of you āYeah. Because thatās worked out so well lately, Lily, thanks for the advice"
āYou havenāt actually triedā she looked at you with something you could call a pity and oh how you hated it
āI didā you snapped, louder than you meant to. A few heads turned again. You lowered your voice āI did, Lily. He justāā you swallowed, jaw tightening āHe shuts down. Or he leaves. Or he acts like nothing ever happenedā
āAnd what did happen?ā she pressed, not looking away even for a second
You stared at the same line of your essay, over and over, until the letters blurred and your head started to hurt. Everything but just not to look at her, it would break you.
āI donāt even know anymoreā you admitted after some time of silence, your voice barely above a whisper āOne minute everythingās fine, we're having fun, and the nextā¦ā you trailed off, shaking your head āItās like I imagined all of it, and maybe I didā you shrugged lightly
Lilyās expression softened, but she didnāt interrupt. She never did. That was what you loved about her, she wasn't like Mary or Marlene, Lily just let you say whatever was on your mind without interrupting.
āYou ever get that feelingā you went on hesitantly ālike youāve already said too much? Like you crossed some line you didnāt even see was there?ā Your fingers tightened slightly around your quill āAnd now you canāt take it back?ā
Silence settled between you. A deafening, flat silence.
āā¦What did you say..?ā Lily asked gently
You hesitated. But then, added, much quieter now āEnough.ā
That was all.
Because that's what happened. You're sure you said so many words while talking to Remus that you probably wouldn't even have written them in your essay. So many pointless words.
It hadnāt been planned. That was the worst part.
If youād had time to think about it, really think, you probably wouldnāt have said anything at all.
You were sitting beside him, like you had a hundred times before. Same spot. Same worn-out sofa in the common room. The fire crackling low, most people already gone to bed. It was quiet in that comfortable way that never used to feel awkward with him. Because how could it?
Remus had a book open in his lap, though he wasnāt really reading it anymore. You could tell. Heād been stuck on the same page for at least five minutes. And that's not really like Remus 'I enjoy a little reading' John Lupin.
āYouāre not even turning the pagesā you pointed out softly, a little humour in your voice
A small smile tugged at his lips āI am thinking about itā
āThatās not how reading works, Moonsā
āSays who?ā
You huffed a quiet laugh, shaking your head āYouāre ridiculousā
āMhmm. Iāve been told countless times "
There was a pause. Not uncomfortable. Not yet. Justā¦quieter. Did it feel weird? Maybe a little.
Your shoulder brushed his slightly when you shifted, and neither of you moved away. That was normal. It had always been normal.
ā¦Right?
You glanced at him. He was already looking at you. That wasnāt new either. You often caught him looking at you while you were doing stuff. Even when it was something as simple as using your wand to pin your hair up or listening in Professor McGonagall's class.
But something about it feltā¦ different this time. Like the moment lingered a second too long. Like neither of you quite knew what to do with it.
Your stomach flipped. And that was definitely weird.
āRemus?ā you said, before you could stop yourself
āYeah?ā
You hesitated, cursing yourself mentally.
There it was. That tiny window where you could still back out. Say something else. Make a joke. Pretend youād forgotten what you were going to say. You shouldāve taken it. Instead, of course, you had to open your mouth.
āCan I ask you something?ā
His expression softened slightly "You just did, sillyā he let out a soft chuckle
You rolled your eyes āYou know what I mean, idiotā
āAlrightā he said, closing his book halfway, giving you his full attention now āGo on then"
That made it worse. Now you just had to say it.
Your hands fidgeted slightly in your lap āAre weā¦?ā You stopped, grimacing at your own voice āThat sounded soo stupid.ā
āAre we what?ā he asked gently
Oh, fuck you, Remus John Lupin and your stupid ability to be the gentlest person on the whole planet.
You let out a breath, forcing yourself to just say it āAre we justāfriends?ā
The second it left your mouth, you felt it.
That shift.
Small.
But unmistakable.
Remus went still. Not dramatically. Not obviously. But enough that you noticed. Enough that your chest tightened immediately.
āI mean...obviously weāre friendsā you rushed to add, words tripping over themselves now āI just...sometimes it feels like maybe itās...more? Or Iām reading it wrong, which is also possible, and thatās fine, I just thought I shouldāā
You stopped
Because he still hadnāt said anything.
āā¦Remus?ā
He looked at you. And there it was. Not anger. Not confusion. Something worse.
Conflict.
Like he was trying to solve something in his head that didnāt have a good answer.
āIāā he started, then stopped
Your stomach dropped.
āItās okayā you said quickly, even though it wasnāt āYou donāt have toāā
āI donāt think itās a good ideaā he said suddenly
The words landed harder than you expected.
You blinked āWhat?ā
His jaw tightened slightly, like he already regretted how that sounded, but he didnāt take it back.
āUsā he clarified quietly āIf thatās what youāre asking, y/nā
Oh.
Oh.
Right.
You nodded once, a little too fast it almost made you dizzy āOkayā
That was it. That was all you said. Because what else was there to say?
Remus looked like he wanted to explain, like there were more words sitting right there, waiting, but they never came.
The silence stretched. Thick. Uncomfortable. Nothing like before.
You forced a small shrug, looking away āYeah. No, that totally makes senseā
It didnāt.
But you said it anyway.
āI mean, weāre fine as we areā you added, your voice sounding distant even to yourself āI was just...curiousā
He didnāt respond to that.
Didnāt agree.
Didnāt disagree.
Justā¦watched you, that same conflicted look still there, like he was holding something back. And somehow, that made it worse than if heād just said no.
You stood up abruptly āI should goā
āYou donāt have toāā
āI doā you cut in quickly, maybe too quickly āI forgot, I promised Lily Iād help her with somethingā
That was a lie. But it was the first thing you could think of.
Remus nodded slowly āRightā
Another pause. Neither of you moved. You had to say something, right..?
āGoodnight, Moonyā you smiled slightly
āGoodnightā
You didnāt look back when you left. And that was the problem. It wasnāt just what he said. It was everything he didnāt. And that was the problem.
Lily exhaled slowly, leaning back again, studying you like she was piecing together something fragile āSo you told him how you feltā she asked to make sure
You didnāt respond, but that was answer enough.
āAnd he didnāt say anything?ā
You shook your head, not really trusting your voice.
Not entirely true, but not entirely false either.
Heād looked at you. That was the worst part. Not confused, not upset, justā¦ distant. Like something in him had already decided to step away before youād even finished speaking.
āI wish heād just said itā you muttered āAnything. That he didnāt feel the same. That I was being stupid. I donāt care.ā Your voice cracked slightly despite your effort to steady it āJustā¦ something real.ā
Lily reached across the table, nudging your wrist lightly āHeyā
You pulled your hand back, not harshly, just enough āIām fine.ā
āYouāre notā
āI said Iām fine.ā
The words came out flat this time. Final.
Lily studied you, then slowly nodded. āAlrightā she said, though her tone made it clear she didnāt believe you for a second. She stood, gathering her books. āBut for the record? Avoiding him isnāt going to make it hurt less. It justā¦ stretches it outā
You didnāt look up.
You didn't want anyone to see the little droplets falling down your cheeks. What exactly caused this? Only Godric knows. Maybe it was Lily being so damn right about everything? Or maybe it was all the emotions you held back finally bursting out?
The sound of Lilyās retreating footsteps seemed to echo in the quiet expanse of the library. Only when the heavy wooden doors clicked shut behind her did you finally let your shoulders drop.
The dam broke.
You pressed the heels of your hands into your eyes, trying to force the hot, stinging tears back, but it was useless. They leaked through your fingers, smudging the fresh ink on your Transfiguration parchment until the essay you had spent three hours on was utterly ruined. A perfect metaphor for your life right now, really.
You sat there in the suffocating silence of your favorite spot for what felt like hours, staring blankly at the stone wall. Lilyās parting words hung in the air like a heavy fog. Avoiding him isnāt going to make it hurt less. It justā¦ stretches it out.
"Easy for her to say" you whispered bitterly to the empty rows of books. She didn't have to look into Remus's eyes and see that agonizing, guarded wall go up. She didn't have to feel the sudden, freezing chill of a friendship dying in real-time.
With a shaky exhale, you stuffed your quills and ruined parchment into your bag, blinking away the last of the tears. You couldn't stay here forever. Eventually, Madam Pince would kick you out anyway.
The walk back to the Gryffindor common room felt entirely too short. Your feet dragged against the stone floors, your mind spinning. You dreaded crossing that portrait. What if he was there? What if he was sitting in your spot by the fire, reading that same book, looking at you with that awful, pitying conflict?
You paused outside the portrait of the Fat Lady, taking a deep, stabilizing breath. Get a grip, you told yourself sternly. You're a Gryffindor. Act like it.
"Mimbulus mimbletonia" you muttered
The portrait swung forward. You stepped through the hole, your eyes instantly darting toward the fireplace, entirely against your own free will.
The common room was mostly empty, save for a few fifth years whispering in a corner over chess. The worn-out sofa was vacant. Remus wasn't there.
A wave of relief washed over you, followed immediately by a sharp, pathetic pang of disappointment. You hated yourself for it.
"Y/n?"
The voice came from the shadow of the staircase leading to the boys' dormitories. You froze, your heart violently hammering against your ribs.
Remus stepped into the dim amber light of the hearth. He wasn't wearing his school robes anymore, just a faded, oversized brown sweater with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. He looked exhausted. Dark circles shadowed the hollows beneath his eyes, worse than usual, and the full moon was still over a week away.
"Hi, Remus" you said, your voice tight, choosing to use his actual name instead of the familiar nickname that now felt like a legal liability. You immediately made a move toward the girls' stairs "I'm just heading up to bedā"
"Can we talk? Please?"
The sheer vulnerability in his voice stopped you dead in your tracks. It wasn't the distant, closed-off Remus from a few nights ago. He sounded almost desperate, his knuckles whitening as he clenched his fists.
You kept your back to him for a beat, swallowing the lump in your throat. You didn't turn around until you were sure your face was a perfect, unreadable mask.
"I don't think there's much left to say, is there?" you asked, aiming for detached but landing somewhere closer to fragile "You made yourself pretty clear back then, Remus"
Remus flinched. It was a tiny movement, but you caught it. He stepped off the stairs, closing the distance between you, though he stopped a careful three feet away, as if respecting an invisible boundary line you had both crossed and broken.
"I didn't" he said quietly, his voice cracking slightly "I didn't make anything clear. I panicked, Y/n. I said the easiest thing I could think of because the alternative..." He trailed off, running a frustrated hand through his sandy hair, making it stick up in wild directions
"The alternative being what, Remus? Telling me the truth?" You crossed your arms, defensively shielding yourself, oh how you hated yourself "If you don't look at me that way, you could have just said so. It would have hurt, yeah, but at least I wouldn't feel like I completely hallucinated the last four years of our lives"
"Hallucinated?" Remus stepped closer, his eyes wide, a sudden, fierce emotion breaking through his usual calm exterior "You think you imagined it? Y/n, I am losing my mind. I haven't slept in three days because every time I close my eyes, I just hear the way your voice dropped when I told you it was a bad idea"
You stared at him, completely thrown off balance "Then why did you say it?"
"Because it is a bad idea!" he burst out, his voice a harsh, tortured whisper. He looked around the common room nervously before looking back at you, his eyes swimming with something terrifyingly raw "For you. It's a horrible idea for you, Y/n."
He took another step, and before you could retreat, his hand twitched forward, as if he wanted to reach out.
"You deserve someone who can give you a future, Y/N. Someone who doesn't disappear once a month to break their own bones. Someone who isn't a danger to everyone they love" he whispered, the self-loathing practically dripping from his words "When you asked me if we were more than friends... God, it was all I've wanted to hear for months. But I can't be selfish with you. I can't drag you into my mess"
The silence that followed wasn't flat or deafening like the one in the library. It was electric, charged with a truth that left you entirely breathless.
Lily was right. You hadn't actually tried to talk to him. And Remus hadn't been avoiding you because he didn't care, he had been avoiding you because he cared far too much.
You stood there, completely paralyzed, the echo of his words bouncing around inside your head until your brain finally managed to process them.
It was all Iāve wanted to hear for months
The anger, the embarrassment, the crushing weight of rejection that had been suffocating you since that night, it all just vanished, replaced by a sudden, dizzying rush of clarity. You looked at him, really looked at him. The tense line of his shoulders, the way he was practically vibrating with anxiety, waiting for you to say something, to run away, to confirm his worst fears about himself.
"You idiot" you breathed out "You fucking idiot"
Remus blinked, entirely taken aback "What?"
"You absolute idiot, Remus John Lupin" you said, your voice finally finding its strength. You took a step toward him, closing that agonizing three-foot gap he had so carefully tried to maintain "You think you're being noble? You think you're protecting me?"
"Iām trying toā"
"Well, you're doing a terrible job!" A half-sob, half-laugh escaped your throat, and you wiped a stray tear from your cheek with the back of your hand "Did you ever stop, even for a single second, to think about what I want? To ask me how I feel about it?"
"Y/n, you don't understand the reality of it" he said desperately, though he didn't step back as you moved closer. His eyes locked onto yours, wide and terrified "The war outside... my condition... itās not just a monthly inconvenience. It's a curse. It ruins everything it touches. I can't let it ruin you"
"Let me worry about what ruins me!" You reached out, completely throwing caution to the wind, and grabbed the front of his faded brown sweater. Your fingers balled into the soft fabric, anchoring you to him "Do you think I care about a future that doesn't have you in it? Do you think I care about some perfectly safe, easy life if it means I have to sit across the room from you and pretend you're just a stranger?"
Remus let out a ragged breath, his chest heaving. His hands hovered near your waist, trembling, fighting a brutal internal battle against his own restraint.
"I've known who you are for years, Remus" you whispered, looking up at him, your voice cracking with all the emotion you'd been hiding "I know about the full moons. I know about the scars. I know the worst parts of you, and I am still here. I am choosing to be here. So don't you dare sit there and decide for both of us that I'm not strong enough to handle it"
That broke the last of his defenses.
With a low, defeated groan, Remus closed the final inch of distance between you. His hands came up to frame your face, his long fingers tangling gently into your hair, his thumbs wiping away the damp tracks of tears on your cheeks. His touch was warm, slightly rough, and so incredibly tender it made your knees weak.
"I'm sorry" he whispered, his forehead leaning down to rest against yours. His breath was warm against your skin "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I'm a coward"
"You're not a coward" you murmured, closing your eyes, completely losing yourself in his closeness "Just stupid. You're just a little stupid, Remus"
A small, genuine breath of a laugh shook his chest "Yeah. Brilliant at school, completely stupid at everything else"
He pulled back just enough to look down at you, his eyes searching your face, no longer guarded, no longer distant. They were full of a quiet, fierce affection that made your heart skip a beat.
"If we do this" Remus said softly, his voice serious but laced with a vulnerability that completely undid you "if I let myself have this... I don't know how to do it halfway. I'm all in. Even when it's bad. Even when I'm trying to push you away because I'm scared. You'll have to fight me sometimes"
You smiled, a real, bright smile that felt like the first bit of sunshine after a massive storm. Your hands moved from his sweater to wrap around the back of his neck, pulling him just a little bit closer.
"Moony, I've been fighting you for the last three days just to get you to look at me" you whispered "I think I can handle it"
Remus didn't say anything else. He didn't need to. He leaned down and pressed his lips to yours.
The kiss wasn't frantic or rushed, it was slow, hesitant at first, like he was still terrified he might break you, before deepening into something that felt like a quiet, desperate relief. It tasted like warmth, like the familiar scent of old books and chocolate, and the crackling fire of the common room. Every ounce of unspoken tension, every late night glance across the library, every pointlessly wasted word from the past week just melted away.
When he finally pulled back, his hands were still resting securely on your waist, keeping you flush against him. He looked down at you, a soft, incredibly rare, beautiful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"Lily is going to be incredibly smug about this, you know" he murmured, his thumb lightly brushing against your hip.
You let out a genuine laugh, burying your face in his shoulder "Oh, God. Don't remind me. She's never going to let me hear the end of it"
You stayed like that for a long moment, your face hidden in the soft fabric of his sweater, listening to the steady, reassuring thud of his heart beneath your cheek. It felt surreal. Just an hour ago, you were crying your eyes out in a dark corner of the library, convinced that everything was ruined. Now, his arms were wrapped tightly around you, refusing to let go.
Remus rested his chin on the top of your head, his breath shifting your hair "We should probably sit down" he murmured, though his grip didn't loosen even a fraction "Before my legs completely give out from the shock"
You huffed a laugh against his chest, finally looking up at him "The great Marauder, taken down by a conversation"
"By you" he corrected gently, pulling back just enough to take your hand. His long fingers slid perfectly into the spaces between yours, a natural fit that made your stomach do that familiar, dizzying flip, only this time, the anxiety was completely gone
He led you over to the very same sofa where it had all gone wrong a few nights ago. But as you sat down, the atmosphere was entirely different. Remus didn't sit on the far edge this time. He pulled you right along with him, tucking his arm around your shoulders and pulling you into his side. You curled your legs up onto the cushions, resting your head back on his shoulder.
The silence that settled over the common room now was warm, heavy, and incredibly safe.
"I kept looking at your spot in the library today" Remus admitted quietly, his fingers idly tracing patterns on your upper arm "James kept kicking me under the table because I was staring so much. He told me I looked like a pathetic, kicked puppy"
"You were being pathetic" you pointed out, a small smile playing on your lips "And Lily caught me. She knew exactly what was happening"
"Of course she did. Evans sees everything" Remus let out a soft sigh, his fingers pausing their movement to gently squeeze your arm "I'm sorry I made you cry, Y/n. When I saw you walk in just now...your eyes were all red, and I realized I did exactly what I was trying to prevent. I hurt you anyway"
You shifted slightly, looking up at his profile in the firelight "You didn't break me, Remus. The only thing that was hurting was the thought that you didn't care"
He turned his head, eyes dropping to yours with an intensity that made your breath hitch "I care so much it terrifies me" he whispered "It's always been you. Even when I was trying my hardest to convince myself it was just a stupid crush that would pass. It never did."
Your heart swelled, warmth spreading through your chest. You reached up, your fingers lightly tracing the faint, pale scar that ran across his jawline. He didn't flinch away from your touch this time, instead, he leaned into it, closing his eyes for a brief second.
"Good" you murmured "Because I'm not going anywhere"
Remus smiled, that sweet, slightly lopsided smile that always made your knees weak. He leaned down and kissed you again, sweet and lingering, before pulling back with a sudden, thoughtful look on his face.
"What?" you asked, noticing the shift
"I just realized something" he said, a touch of his usual dry humor returning to his voice "If we're... whatever we are now..."
"Boyfriend and girlfriend?" you offered, your cheeks warming up at the words
"Yeah," he smiled, the word clearly tasting good on his tongue. "If we're boyfriend and girlfriend, it means Sirius is going to find out. And he's going to be absolutely insufferable"
You groaned, burying your face in his neck as the realization hit you. "Oh, no. He's going to make a speech at breakfast, isn't he?"
"Worse" Remus chuckled, his arm tightening around you as his chest shook with laughter "He's probably going to try and give me 'the talk' about respecting you, as if he isn't the one who sets curtains on fire for fun. We might have to stay in this common room foreverā
"Deal" you whispered, looking up to meet his eyes one more time, entirely content to stay right where you were "I'm perfectly fine right hereā
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
Open starter! (Doesnāt matter how long itās been up)
Tony felt alone. Sure, he had friends. But he always felt like they never really enjoyed his company. Rhodey was his first real friend. But he always seemed a bit annoyed with Tony. Pepper was only his assistant. And even she looked fed up with him sometimes. The avengers? Tony assumed they only saw him as that one annoying acquaintance that was only good for money. Thor was always trying to fight him, Clint keeps pranking him, Natasha is just downright creepy, Steve is patronizingly kind to him, and Bruce keeps avoiding him. Maybe he shouldnāt overthink so much. But he couldnāt help it. He never truly felt loved. Ever, really. Didnāt even know if he was worth being loved. So here he was, another day in the lab by himself, overthinking to the max. Once again wondering if heāll ever be worth loving. Not even a friend asked him to do something. As if they all forgot he existed.
His body ached, a dull, but annoying ache. He hated his chronic pain. But never told anyone about it. He never told anyone about a lot of things. About the pain, about his childhood, about all of the things heās actually gone through. People assume he has a perfect life, everything handed to him on a silver spoon, and never put any effort in to see past the facade of him being āfineā. To see past the cocky, arrogant billionaire, and truly see Tony. And that? That hurt more than Tony would ever admit.
